Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

I think you are a good writer and this was fairly successful, though I think it was a lot of story for a 5 page script. I wish the reveal of the polygraph would have been near the end, because it was a good reveal and it felt rushed. I also think that the whole storyline was a bit too familiar. Every other crime shows seems to have a similar storyline. That said, the briskness of the pace did make it exciting and the dialogue was natural. The "Taylor smiles" at the end felt a little forced.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I have a few questions about this one:
How could Taylor just walk out of the precinct? Why didn't the polygrapther force the detectives (or someone) to listen to him. He got a confession! Even if a lie detector is not admisible in court a confession is.
Why is Taylor smiling at the end when he's is most likely getting killed? Is it because Parker is corrupt?

Ashley White (Level 3)

I thought that this one was pretty good. I thought that your dialogue flowed very naturally. It was a little weird for the Parker not to tell O'Hara about the polygraph test since it actually might have made him sleep better to know that they caught the guy. I had a problem with Parker just letting Taylor walk out to kill again. I assumed he would have been arrested on the spot!

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

There weren't a whole lot of suprises in this script. After about the first page, I could see exactly where it was taking me. I'll concede that having required closing lines can make suprises difficult.

There was some clever dialogue and I enjoyed the twist with the polygraph examiner. Structurally, the script was sound. A lot of information about situation, character and location was conveyed quickly and effectively. The characters came through clearly. I liked the calm, detached quality in the Det. Parker character and how that matched the John Taylor character. I found Det. O'Hara to be somewhat cliche.

Overall, I think this script has a lot of potential and would benefit from being less about plot and more character driven.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

You'll get a bunch of writing critiques, but the story itself is fine. I was confused at the polygraph storm out. I really can't believe the polygraph person wouldn't have raised the alarm.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love everything about this story except for one thing and I'm having trouble getting past that one thing.

The killer confesses, but because the detective doesn't listen to the polygraph expert they let him go?

That seems beyond imagining, especially in a case of this importance.

Other than that, your craft is great, the story is compelling, the characters are well-drawn, and the ending is powerful.

Lastly, great title.

Christopher OConnor (Level 3)

I have trouble pegging this script into a genre. Is it really a mystery? I feel like with a bit more work, it could be a pretty damn good mystery, but as is lacks any of the elements that make a mystery.
I also have trouble tring to understand two things. Why is Parker the crooked cop? And why did the killer admit to what he did other than to gloat (also, their answers are admissable in court, so he DID confess)?

David Birch (Level 5)

you had me going until the end...just didn't seem to "jive" with the required ending...tough to buy the premise of not reviewing the whole polygraph...but, who knows...the writing was well done (loose the CONT'D...they're archaic...not used anymore other than to carry dialog from one page to the next)...other than that nice job...p.s. liked the dialog...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I really liked this SP. Only improvement I would have is to work on writing in a more active voice. Very good job.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I never thought I would be writing this, but I wish there were a bit more dialogue enliving up the scenes. I think you're really good at telling the story through images but some clever dialogue could embellish the visual impact you make all so well. I also wonder at the plausibility of the polygraph expert not revealing that the man has actually confessed to the crime. That strikes me as the most pressing bit of information and I can't imagine it being held back under any circumstances.

Jay Simms (Level 3)

I didn't enjoy reading this script at all. The story was sort of lame and hard to read the whole thing. Their was no flow at all. I'm trying to understand why everyone is "smiling" at certain points. I guess I don't understand the story, or the way it's told. SORRY

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very suspenseful! Very good!
I was pretty much on the edge of my seat.
Characters were well defined.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: Detective Parker (late 40’s) is working with a younger detective O’Hara (late 20’s) on the case of three unsolved teenage girls gruesome sex murders. Each took place in forested areas outside the city. John Taylor (30’s) is a prime suspect. He is being lie detected tested by an un-named Polygrapher.

When the Polygrapher finishes his testing, Taylor leaves the police station as Parker and O’Hara pass him to speak with the Polygrapher. He tell them he has good and bad news. The bad news is that he passed. O’Hara misunderstands and storms off, before the Polygrapher makes his bad news findings plainer.

O’Hara has trouble sleeping, whereas Parker and Taylor sleep the sleep of the innocent.

A forth brutal murder of another teenage girl occurs. Again he storms off. Confronts the Polygrapher and learns that yes Taylor was telling the truth on his Polygraph test. Yes he murdered the first little girl. Detective Parker had heard the complete Polygrapher’s report.

She has arrested Taylor and is taking him in as O’Hara finally reaches her by phone.

I liked your creative approach that matched your little perfectly. Intercutting sleep episodes with the main story swas a wonderful gimmick and gave human depth to your story. Your short film script comes across to me as far fetched but it was a dramatic read. It was a real reach for me to believe the reality of what was written. Question: Why the hell would a trained police officer put a suspect in the trunk of her car? Seems a very unusual Police procedure.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The characters and the scenes were well composed. I like the interplay between Parker and O'Hara. Taylor appears to be a serious serial killer type. Everything is set and well balanced, but the script does not play out well. I cannot understand why the polygraph was conducted and the evidence not acted upon officially. Why did Parker go and deal with Taylor in the middle of the night? It is apparent that she plans to kill him for the crimes he committed against the teenaged girls, but even that is not defined as clearly as it should. The ending also alludes to Parker being the killer. I also don't get the title and the mentioning in the script in Parker and O'Hara's conversation. This script does have immense potential and a rewrite that clarifies the situation at the end would be a great little crime thriller. Great Writing.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Your craft is good but I'm not sure if there is a good story here. I wish there was more to the Title. Its good. Everything reads out kind of blatantly. I'm thinking you're going for a mystery murder. Like the pic that reads murdered you didn't have to tell us that. Its all gleaned from the beginning.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I like your writing style, but thinking you could tighten it even more.

For example: A POLYGRAPHER, male, late 50's, sits at a desk before a computer and all the equipment for a polygraph examination. He removes one of his many business cards, slides it across:"
If you had "A POLYGRAPHER, male, late 50's removes one of his many business cards, slides it across" it would do, I think.

Also, some of the scenes seem unnecessary - like bedroom tossing and turning.

It's an interesting but perhaps a little no mystery entry for me.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Entertaining and well written. Easy read. Characters distinguishable. Recognizable storyline, but unfolded slowly with a nice surprise. Really like the title.
A minor suggestion -- perhaps Debra Parker should force Taylor into the trunk BEFORE she answers O'Hara's call. The mental picture of Parker pointing her gun at the trunk and "Taylor climbs in" doesn't fit, considering she's going to be holding a phone too. Perhaps this line should follow Taylor questioning Parker about her being able to sleep at night. With the change, her undivided attention -- and the focus -- is on Parker's final conversation with O'Hara. Just an idea...

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"Somnus County." That's hilarious. I wonder how many people will pick up your Latin reference.

I refuse to believe that Parker wouldn't have arrested Taylor that night, or even that the polygrapher would have let him leave the building after he confessed to the murders. I'm sorry, that's just a gaping hole in your plot: there's no possible way a confessed murderer would get to go home and sleep in their own bed that night. Perhaps later, on bond or bail. It just makes no sense to me.

The writing is absolutely fabulous. Excellent on its own. Characterizations are very cool, and the script has a wonderful flow. But the story just pulled the rug out with an illogical plot. It tears me up to not give you an Excellent on this one: best of luck.

Maj. Musa Lawrence (Level 1)

Loved it! very clever, very well written. Nice twist. Nice conclusion, and nice dialog. The writer even found a way to incorporate the title into the script. The evens moved along at an even pace for the length. Nothing was rushed, or dragged out. Everything fit into place. Very creative on the writers behalf.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I think you can leave off the "within the county limits" on the first line. You've made it known to the audience that it's a county map.

You need to reword the photos description. There are six photos or there are three photos of this type and three photos of that type.

I don't think you need the "MURDERED" in there, either. If you keep it, you might want to drop the all caps and reword the sentence. You're using all caps to emphasize words that only the reader will see. That isn't necessary. My personal opinion is that all caps disrupt the flow. They lose their emphasis when used repeatedly, too.

"Polygrapher" is a long name. Maybe you could call him Bill...

I know that polygraphs aren't admissible in court, but confessions are. At the very least I'd think they could get a search warrant based on his answer. Saying you murdered three people should be plenty of probable cause for a judge to issue one. I just don't understand why they don't arrest him when he confesses. Then again, I'm not the go-to-girl when it comes to legal matters. I'm not rating on this. Just asking some questions and thinking out loud.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Well, your writing is good but the story...not believable. Sorry. For three girls murdered there would be more people around when this guy had a polygraph and even thoug it's inadmisable in court, it's a pretty big deal when they admit their guilt. So once the detectives got that confession I'm sure they'd tail the guy...not secretly kill him. So I just didn't buy the story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really like the sparse style you established right from the beginning of the script. That's very effective for stories like this.

The ending was unsatisfying. I like the idea of a cop taking the law into their own hands, but it didn't make sense for her to do that at the end. Why can't they just arrest him? For her actions to be meaningful, they need to be desperate to nail this guy, and it didn't feel like that.

I also had a problem with O'Hara not paying attention to the polygraph results. It seemed strange that Parker would exact revenge after he'd confessed yet not before he'd killed again.

It was very well written, but the story and characters need some tweaks so their actions feel more natural to them and the audience.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

The ending was a little hard to follow. In some kind of way maybe that scene could've been broken into two scenes or maybe been strecthed out. Everything else was pretty good. Your descriptions and the various locations kept this flowing pretty nicely. With a different ending I think this would be much better.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Your writing and format are fairly good.

The characters are well formed for a short.

Where you lose me is the story. It's been done before, many, many times. And I could easily overlook that, but the fact that the detectives let a man walk because he confessed to the murders under a polygraph (even though inadmissable) is too far-fetched and ruined it for me. I realize that you were aiming for some kind of twist, but it just doesn't work.

I do think you have very good writing skills and a talent for story telling, so keep at it.

Best regards and best of luck.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I didn't really get too much out of this script. There's nothing blatantly bad about it but the way it is put together, the believability of events and the familiar subject matter just didn't excite me very much.

I think you have a nice simple story to tell but it doesn't flow very smoothly as we often jump abruptly from location to location and day to night. I also found the characters a little bland, without a whole lot of personality and never really understood their motivation and mindset.

I thought the 'sleep of the innocent' discussion was a cool idea but I didn't quite grasp it's meaning or it's relation to the overall tale.

I did like the unexpected twist in Parker's character but the villain seemed pretty cliched and not very clever, which left me wondering how he hasn't already been caught earlier.

Potential here but could use a few rewrites to help it shine.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

This appears to me to be a very polished script, and I like it. But one thing that I don't like is that Taylor was somehow released after he'd confessed to three murders, and that Parker was willing to allow him to go free in order to kill him herself, yes, sounds fairly noble, but you have to remember that she did this at the cost of another young girl's life, which is awful if you ask me. As far as formatting and spelling, I didn't find too many errors. A lot of double spacing going on in the action lines, which sets a good pace, but maybe some of it could be condensed, or the shots could illustrate more than one detail at a time. With a case like this, though, you have a lot more detectives than two working the case, so it's pretty definite that Taylor would never walk free after confessing. Good job.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

This is well written and I have to say that the dialouge is fantastic. The twist at the end is also enjoyable and is clever. This would be a terrific short. The characters were wonderful, each one unique. Great protaganists and a great antagonist. Also, great use of title, it really worked well.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought you packed a lot of story into five pages. This would make a decent short film I think. I like the tight dialogue and the pacing of the story.

Good characters that are very distinguishable between each other.

Nice that the bad guy got his in the end. Good work.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is really good. I was ready to cry foul when the polygrapher told O'Hara the polygraph results, because there's no way Parker wouldn't have told him -- but the end really took me by surprise and explained that away. Great job with that. Really good story overall. Great characters, especially the slimy bad guy, Taylor. And a good choice of a real emotional trigger -- a criminal who gets away with a crime, even though everyone knows he's guilty. We all hate that, so revenge is all the sweeter. Great job!

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I liked this screenplay. I usually find it difficult to be engaged in a five page script, but I was engaged while reading yours. I really liked the story and I thought your format and writing style was really good. You were able to cover a lot of information without making anything seemed rushed. I enjoyed it.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

A bunch of short scenes and actions I like that. Keep us involved while taking us to new locations. That's something I believe writers should do more of.

As for the story it was okay the thriller suspense wasn't as intense as I hoped.

Overall keep up the good work.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

Well written, some nice dialogue. I had to read it a few times to understand the plot and I often confused characters. This might not be your fault to be fair, as I've reviewed so many now and Parker and Taylor change roles each time.

I only just bought the bit where O'hara storms off and thereby didn't see how Taylor passed the test. It's possible but unlikely and may divide reviews. A good read though, well done.

Suzanne Smith (Level 3)

Hi there!
I thought this script was very interesting. I like the premise of the story - detective work catches the serial killer, the story started out very strong for me, then I got all caught up in the visual with the hallway scene. You start off with Parker and O'Hara walking - Taylor walks by them - so they stop to talk to the polygrapher? Is he walking with them? Just because O'Hara leaves the hallway, the polygrapher wouldn't tell Parker? So if Parker was told, why would she sleep on it? If she's sleeping good because she's lost her innocence - why would it take one more murder for her to do something about it? Just my take on it, seems like she disappeared in the hallway, because of this I question when she found out - which is a hole in the plot, yes?
I really like the title. The story leaves us wondering if Parker actually does it - I'm guessing she does, but you never know, maybe O'Hara stops her. It seems like there is a lot more to this story yet to be told, a great way to keep us wanting more! Nice work!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I found this story unbelievable & confusing. Jumpy scene transitions & too many of them. This could be improved by restructuring the tale to clearly define the protagonist & the problem (detective & insomnia?) and creating more dramatic tension between the characters. It had the makings of a good tale, it just wasn't strung together well enough to grab me.

Who exactly is this story about? It could use more character development, some suspense and a lot more action. Less emphasis on the photos on the wall, it's enough we know there's murder and a prime suspect. The scenes of people sleeping weren't working for me; nothing happens. It's enough that one detective is losing sleep and having on-the-job problems. Why do I want to watch people sleep or toss & turn trying to get to sleep. With only 5 pages, this was a waste of time IMO.

Lose the parens in the dialog that direct. Get rid of all passive verbs (is, are, ing) and adverbs (LY).

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This was pretty good, though I think there a few things that hold it back. First off, I think it's a little big for five pages. It seems that we come into the investigation without knowing the detectives, and are then supposed to feel empathy for them by the end. A little more length would really add depth to the story I think. Second, there were a couple of points where I though the flow of the story lagged. For example, the three scenes of the Taylor, Parker, and O'Hara sleeping. It may be an idea to remove the two of Taylor and Parker, leaving the focus on O'Hara.

There are a couple of logic errors that struck me as odd. Number one, I don't think that anyone would be allowed to go free after they confess to killing three little girls. Second, the cop's trunk is lined with plastic (grocery?) bags. Seems like a murder investigator would be a little more thorough and professional if they decided to kill someone.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

I like the idea behind this one, but I think you bit off more than you could chew in just 5 pages. This deserves to be a bigger story (which is a compliment, by the way).

As it stands, it feels as if you're trying to cram too much in. It also felt a bit muddled because of it.

I'd love to read a longer version of this.

Comments Made After the Contest

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 2:06 PM

Damn it, I hate when everybody's right!

The polygraph plot-point was an idea I had in my head for some time now and decided to test it out with this script. I was worried about the plausibiity factor of it, but always thought it was an interesting concept- A suspect passing a polygraph, not by out-smarting the test, but by actually telling the truth.

Well, I got my results and it didn't cost me a nickel. I love this site!

Thanks for all the reviews- the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 9/1/2009 2:14 PM

If it wasn't implausible, you would've won the contest, no doubt in my mind. If you can iron that out somehow, you'll have a great script. Good job!

KP Mackie (Level 5) ~ 9/3/2009 10:47 PM

Paul-
You got one of my fives...

Paul Williams (Level 5) ~ 9/5/2009 4:27 PM

Thanks KPJ and KPM!