Comments Made During the Contest

Andrew Stone (Level 3)

I think the concept here is funny - a haunting monster who's just a dude. But, the plot here is a little too thin and I would have liked to see more story and just more happening in general. When it's a 5 page script and you turn in 3 pages, and the script is lacking in story, the fault lies in you not putting on your thinking cap and coming up with something a bit more complete.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I like this concept. I only wish it would have been expanded more. it's only three pages long so you certainly have the space. Add some more to it! Actually I can see having potential as a longer story, maybe feature lengh even.

Cameron Mitchell (Level 1)

Seemed like the beginning of an interesting story. But, that's all it was. Why did you end this on page two? Seems like you took the easy way out. It would have been funny to see exactly what Gor's biz was. At least tell us how Parker came to have this thing in his attic.

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

I think this was a cute script. However, it didn't play like a complete story, more like just an opening scene. I think it definitely could have been expanded to have much more character development, arc, and scope.

The writing moved well but was a little awkward and uneven at times. And the Gor character just didn't translate visually for me. I see a lot of potential for a nice, dark, family type story here, but I think their needs to be much more creativity in the storytelling. I think if the action took place in more than just the attic, that would be a good start.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Hah, this was funny. Your premise was clear and easy to understand. It went sorta fast, but what more was needed. Boy has Ghost, Boy uses Ghost to haunt, Boy gets rid of ghost for a fee. Maybe we could have seen this instead of being told it, but that's all I got.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I'm not sure I totally understand this story.

What is the relationship between these young men and the monster in the trunk? Does he do hauntings for them, like in the movie "The Frighteners".

As it is now, the story feels a little rushed. I'm intrigued by this story and I'm sure it is all clear in your head, but it is a little hard to follow on the page.

David Birch (Level 5)

would have like a little more...seemed like a decent scene, but not enough to make it a story...anyway, the dialog rang true and i could actually visualize your script better than most...too bad you didn't go on...

David Webb (Level 1)

Very intriguing. It definitely makes me want to read more, since it sets up nicely for an interesting story. Some of your actions should be capitalized, though (HAMMERS, BOLTS, et cetera). Kudos on your vocabulary usage with coalescing. However, there is one thing that feels "off". The characters don't seem like they're in their thirties. They act like teenagers, rather immature. Overall a nice story.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

"PARKER, late thirties, blond in a surfer way, and TAYLOR, brown haired and dark, plow through an old bedroom." I can not tell if these characters are male or female or both?

Short and sweet but I didn't get the point of the story. Well written though.

Jay Simms (Level 3)

Short and kind of stupid. It wasn't written very good and the descriptions were kind of strange. I didn't even know what these characters were talking about. And what is Gor's fee? Not so funny, whatever you were trying to tell.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I like it a lot. It's very good. However, right now the line "Get some sleep" does not seem warranted. Maybe if Gor just says something like, "Let me rest up some before we start full force" that could tie it together.

John Brooke (Level 5)

SYNOPSIS: Two brothers one blond and thirties is Parker. The other brother dark and brown haired is Taylor of no declared age. They are searching an old bedroom for a trunk. The find it and a specter Gor materializes. Parker is familiar with the apparition, apparently they did business together in the past. Gor frightens Taylor. Parker and Gor agree on a business arrangement to haunt someone of some place. It transpires that Parker’s and Taylor’s mother had a haunting biz arrangement with Gor. She has died, do now Parker and Gor will run the haunting biz and Taylor will be in on the action.

There is no conflict apparent in this script. It is practically action less. Just talking a lot. The image of the clawed monster materializing is neat but not enough to hang a film on. I was not entertained.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I wish I understood what happened in this script. I see that Gor makes his entrance and then leaves, but I do not understand the part-time job that Mom used to do with Gor and Parker. You had a two more pages with which to expand on the script. If you do plan a rewrite, then I suggest you make use of the space to help the reader understand the ghost's purpose in regards to what Parker has in mind.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

This could have been great but you rushed it especially for 3 pages you kind of just didn't give us a real clue to what's happenning. Try to write more clearly your characters aren't visible to me.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Reviewed two so far and two attics already. I'm glad I kept away from an attic.

Yours is very easy to follow. An easy read actually and I appreciate that.

It's just not much of a story for me - I mean it's too subtle for my tastes. And I couldn't understand what kind of business they were talking about.

Flows well nonetheless. fill in the rest of the pages (I know five is not a requirement, but I'm thinking you left your story in the middle), show what kind of biz they are talking about, make the biz exciting and this could be very captivating.

Or am I missing something?

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good job incorporating the prompt at the end.
Particularly like two well written, visual lines. First, when Gor appears: "Curling smoke begins to rise, coalescing into a ghostly" etc. (Extra space included easy to correct.) Second, when Gor returns to the trunk: "Gor, all smoke with a small belch of flame, dematerializes" etc. (Inserted a couple commas...)
Took a couple reads of this short, short story to understand most of it. Was not aware that Taylor was male until Gor puts "a clawed arm around his shoulder."
Parker's comment "She's dead" -- is he referring to "Mom" who used to be in on the biz with him and Gor? Or, is Parker referring to Gor? Is Gor female?

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I think perhaps you could come up with a cooler title.

I'd like to know the characters' sex in that first line, with such gender neutral names.

"They high five". Um. With a monster? I officially have no idea if this story is a comedy or what. I just don't understand this choice: even if a guy "goes back" with a monster, I'd think their relationship would be slightly more formal than your average surfer dudes. Your monster seems even more "cool" and "lax" than your surfer dudes, though, so I'm simply confused.

Okay, I've figured out my problem with the story. The whole first page is unnecessary. The real story starts with the congregation of characters, when Gor is introduced. Everything before that breathes a completely different vibe of frantic need. Starting with page 2, though, it's merely a replica of Peter Jackson's 1996 film "The Frighteners", with irreverent ghosts and a con artist.

And then, the comedy which is promised in the situations of the ghost haunting unsuspecting suckers... it's just never paid off. Your script ends after a mere introduction.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

You have a very natural writing style. I'm jealous.

Introduce Parker and Taylor with their gender. The names are too generic to leave it up to the reader to figure out.

This is fun and funny and I'd love to see a little more to it.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I didn't quite understand this one. Were Taylor and Parker brothers? And were they conjuring up some old monster to haunt someone? If yes, who? Just a bit vague here.

But my biggest issue was that the three characters sounded the same to me. I kept checking who was saying waht cus they all talked in the same way. Maybe if you gave GOR some kind of distinct language or an accent...something to separate him from Parker and Taylor and then given one of the guys something in particular to say that the other doesn't. That might have given them each their own voice.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The idea is good, if a little familiar. I really like Gor's entrance and description.

There was a good conflict between Parker and Taylor, who both knew different parts of their mother. I always think it's interesting how people are different depending on who they're around.

It could have been a bit longer. This would have allowed for Taylor to be unbelieving for longer, so when Parker convinces him near the end its really been earned and it means more.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

While your writing style and format are fine, they're not enough to make this script work. There's no story being told. It seems thrown together and too brief.

"The Attic" doesn't work as the title either.

I hope my words are not too harsh. I don't mean them to be. But this really needs to be expanded and explained.

Best regards.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

This is physically and conceptually about the leanest script I've ever encountered.

While we all certainly strive for lots of clean white space on the pages, this script could definitely benefit from a healthy dose of more words.

- There is no title page, which I guess is a writers choice but should probably be there.
- Also, we have no description of the setting other than the word 'ATTIC' in the slugline.
- It's also pretty standard to give the sex of the characters in their description. I figured out quickly they were boys but you should state that initially.
- I'm also not sure of the meaning behind the entire piece. There is a ghost monster locked in a trunk that helps a kid haunt people but I never got a sense of why or what the purpose is for releasing him at this moment. They talk about a job, easy money, their mom, but I would have liked some specifics on all of this.

- However, I think the overriding issue is simply a lack of CONFLICT. Every story is built around some sort of conflict, either emotionally or physically, that needs to be resolved. I didn't find any hint of that here.

I actually like the initial idea behind this (a ghost hired for hauntings). You just need a proper story to tell.
Maybe introduce GOR quickly, present him with a job, let him preform said job and then put him back in the trunk at the end.
This simple structure would give you a solid beginning, middle,end and also add a goal and conflict to the action.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Fun, fantasy/creature story.

Not sure I get the overall point of it, though.

Parker feels way younger than a guy in his late thirties and how old is Taylor? Are these two brothers?

Your screenwriting is very good; format appears in order; only detected a few minor typos.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

I'm not really diggin' this from page 1. "Blonde in a surfer way" doesn't rub me the right way. Taylor doesn't have an age designation. "Plow" may not be the right word, unless this room is filled with junk. You introduce a character named GOR with dialogue, instead of in the action. You do describe Gor as a "monster", and Gor is a monster sounding name, but it's a good idea to name your new character in the action lines. "She's dead." on page two doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, I thought Gor was a female for a minute. There's essentially no climax, moral, or real substance yet when you conclude on page three. You also don't need to write "THE END" after "FADE OUT." This sounds like a good concept and I am very sorry that I must be honest and rate it a "Poor". You can definetly improve though if you keep at it. I'm guessing that this is your first entry, so please don't let your reviews this month shock your pride too much. We've all been there.

Rob Dianora (Level 4)

You had some pretty good dialogue in your story. It lacked somewhat of a plot, and I think it could be expanded. That's what hurt you the most in my opinion. I liked the overall light tone though, and when I first saw smoke and monster I thought of Lost. It's a good effort.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Hmmm, I'm a bit unsure if I like this or not. I think it is funny and the dialogue is really snappy and fun. But I wish you'd gone a little farther, and written more. Maybe others will disagree, but I hate those three blank pages sitting there.

Good work though. I like the idea of a monster in the trunk. It was different enough to make me laugh and also enjoy something a little bit out there.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I'm not sure I understood what this was all about. A monster (or a ghost or something) in the trunk, I know, but what's "the biz" thing? There are two key (I think) dialogue blocks that I just don't understand. Gor says, "For a small fee. I haunt." Who pays the fee? Who gets the fee? (Does a ghost need money?) Who does he haunt? Why? Maybe the next dialogue block is supposed to explain that. "I fix. We fix. I'm bringing you in. Clean up the bumps in the night." Wha? Fix what? Bringing him in where? What does it mean to "clean up the bumps in the night"? And then, on top of all that, somebody's mother (Taylor's? Parkers? Are they brothers?) was involved part-time. Is she dead? If so, why did her death suddenly rev up the old business? Would Parker really lose a trunk with his old buddy (and business partner) Gor in it? All very confusing (to me).

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

NOt a bad idea at all. In fact, it was a very very good one that you did a great injustice to by not filling five pages worth of story here. You didn't even have a story. It was rise out of the trunk, go back in the trunk, the end. 3 pages. that's it. You should've developed a story here, I cannot express that enough.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

Short and super sweet. I dig the story and Gor is really cool. There isn't much there but it's all we need because it's put together really well and I can't say many bad things about it besides maybe it's short but so what. I digged it. A quirky ghost story. I think this could be filmed in one day and make a lot of people happy.

Steve Monger (Level 3)

It flowed smoothly but BANG it was over, I didn't expect it to end so quickly. I wanted to see more as I was enjoying so much. Gor's character was funny and the dialogue worked well for me. The description blocks were concise. It's short and sweet but good work nevertheless.

Suzanne Smith (Level 4)

Hi there! I love this script! The idea of a ghost, or monster for hire is soooo cool. The script is short and sweet, obviously. Had a problem with the visual, need more guts in the action sequences. For example, Taylor and Parker are brothers? I had to read almost to the end to figure out gender (by description of 'his' or 'him'). I realize Taylor calls Parker bro in the first dialogue bit, but I wondered if they were friends, surfer dudes, bros? There's no mention to Taylor's age, so I'm left wondering if he's an adult? Because these characters were vague in the visual department, I had a hard time feeling any type of connection to the actual story itself. Adding a bit of emotional expression to your characters will also enhance the mood of the story as well - for example, I would like to see Taylor's reaction, is he afraid? How does he react to the Gor, as it stands on a visual perspective, I can only assume his expression through dialogue. Love the concept! What I suggest is minor, on a creative view point - awesome writing!

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Honestly, I did not like this script. Your format was fine, at least in my opinion. It's the story itself that falls short in my humble opinion. If this is an homage to something, it is lost on me. Anyway, there are a few reasons this script does not work for me.

First, I believe it's supposed to be a comedy. The problem is I did not find it funny. In this script, the humour if fueled by the dialogue, yet the dialogue is fragmented and largely incoherent. It jumps quickly and gives very little insight into what the plan is or how they plan on accomplishing it. In fact, after reading it a couple times I'm not really sure what the plan is. It's exposed here:

GOR
For a fee. I haunt.
PARKER
I fix. We fix. I'm bringing you in. Clean up the bumps in the night.

I believe you intend to say that Gor goes in to a house and haunts it. Then Parker goes in and cleans him out, for a fee. It's essentially a big scam in which they all get rich. The problem is, it took me about three minutes of examining those two sentences to figure this out. I was asking myself: Is Gor haunting, with Parker and Taylor playing ghost-busters? Is Gor killing ghosts for a fee? Are they junkies doing this for drug money?;) (I fix, we fix) What I'm driving at is some of these lines are awkwardly worded. In any script, the plot should be readily apparent. In the future, some action lines would give a great indication of Parker's intentions. For example:

Gor
For a fee. I haunt.

Parker
Then, I fix.

Parker puts his arm around Taylor.

Parker
WE fix.

This gives a clear idea of Parker's intentions without sacrificing pace or flow.

As for the length, there is nothing wrong with a two and a half page script, but in that amount of space you need to really focus on the essentials. For example, you spent one full page finding the trunk. This is perhaps not the best use of space. You still had two and a half pages left in which you could have done any number of things to more fully complete the script. Overall this felt like it was a scene and not a complete story. You may want to consider expanding it in a future re-write. I hope this helps out.

PS - Why does Gor need money? He's a monster living in a locked trunk.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Mmmmmmkay what? So these two siblings are going into business with a monster in a trunk? There's no enough information about what's going on. You only wrote for not even three pages. You could've used those two pages to explain more. This was too out-there. Maybe in a fairy tale-like setting it would be believable.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

You don't establish Taylor's age and gender upon introduction, so I didn't know Taylor was a guy until page 2 with: "...placing a clawed arm around HIS shoulder." The story overall has a passive tone to what could've been a very active/exciting tone. I want to watch the haunting, not be told that's what they used to do. I want something to happen today, not tomorrow then we say goodnight. The real story sounds like it will take place tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes because the story ends. So the past and future sound exciting, but today we're only going to talk about it. Ask yourself what the story is about--what's the main question that needs to be answered, then build from around that.

Zach Wolf (Level 1)

I thought it was weird how 2 grown men weren't able to find a trunk in a room. I'd suggest maybe adding that there are multiple trunks in the room, and they are looking for a specific one.

I also didn't understand the "3 is the magic number" line, consider elaborating on that some.

Overall, I really didn't see the point of this script. I couldn't understand where the struggle lies. If the struggle is intended to be them looking for the monster, consider moving them finding it later in the script.

Comments Made After the Contest