Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

The frontier western feel of this piece works with the spot on dialogue but the rest of the story just seems uneventful. There were no twists or reversals and all the characters we basically get introduced to get killed in a span of a page or so.

I knew Clyde was coming since this was the only location they were able to be. An interesting twist could be that Clyde is the judge. Crooked judges are somewhat overused too but it would have been something to add some flavor to this piece.

They could have moved around some maybe gone to the judge's chambers and looked out a window watching for him and finding a way to fortify the place or something. With them just standing in the middle of the courtroom for 3 pages just got old fast.

I think you have a good beginning just needs another go at it to polish it up.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This is written very well. Your description of the courtroom in the beginning is amazing. I could picture everything clearly. Your format is spot-on too.

I like the dialogue, and the story flows well. The last line by Vanoath is a perfect way to end your story. It brings it full circle and fits with the title.

I can't really offer any criticism, as I thoroughly enjoyed this and didn't see any glaring mistakes. Nice job!

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

This is a Western setting right? Might be best to put the year in the first slugline if you're trying to portray a specific time period.
Even though all the names are unique and well picked, there might be one too many, but its a small gripe. I like it for the most part. Good job!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced very well. I thought the story was going suberbly right up until the last couple lines. Vanoath talking about justice and senselessness and then letting Booth live just seemed to destroy the awesome mystique you had created around this character in such a short time. So basically, I loved the first 95% of this script, didn't care much for the last 5%. This script is one rewritten ending away from an Excellent in my book. Nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Why the fancy font on your title page?

I do like Western pieces - you do the speech very well. Sometimes, however, I found the speeches a little long. Rather a lot of exposition, telling us what had happened.

This is very good though - I enjoyed it a lot. You built up the suspense nicely. A surprising ending.

Charles Bonet (Level 3)

The world of the story was established very quickly and very effectively. I could immediately see the movie in my head. The dialogue was heavy on exposition but due to the nature of the story, that's certainly understandable. I think I would have preferred a different ending. Never seeing the Vanoath character, I believe, would have made him more interesting and more menacing. I did, however, like the few lines of dialogue he delivered upon his appearance; very poetic. Overall, an entertaining read.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Besides the goofy title font this was technically flawless. Some may argue that you had too long a run of dialog between action. That may be true, but I think in a longer script that would be fine, because we'll know how each character would behave better. The story for the most part kept my interest, but didn't' whet my appetite. I did like the little twist at the end. Great Job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great last line. It really makes the whole story work. I love the way you mix legend with reality and capture the spirit of the old west at the same time. I really enjoyed this. Well done.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Halfway through you're both dreading and anticipating the appearance of the villain. It's classic the way you build his legend before we ever meet him. Thus I was slightly disapointed at his actions when he finally arrived, as they seemed sort of obvious. The final comment redeems this flaw, however, solidifying an extra level of depth I felt vanished for a second in the preceeding action.

David Birch (Level 5)

like the fact that you took a different tack at this assignment...you tightroped the parameters...(literally)...anyway, like the dialog and the visuals...any gripe i would have is with the premise of the story...not sure that it rises to the level of a vendetta...but for the most part, good read...thanks

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

When BOOTH speaks O.S. is this character male or female? Can't tell as written.

"An older man, WAGGONER, his bushy eyebrows cant hide..." The apostrophe is missing: CANT.

"I cant wait till"... The apostrophe is missing: CANT.

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

I very much enjoyed the western dialect which sounded real. You're very brave for trying this. And the storyline seemed to flow forward, setting up and leading up to the entrance of the villain. My only criticism is that the first dialogue between the sheriff and frightened wagon-parts man seemed extraordinary long and wordy although there were some great moments.

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

When first introducing Waggoner and Xavier as men, capitalize MEN. Along with when Paul Quail is first known as "figure slips past the window", capitalize FIGURE. Don't write the dialogue exactly how the characters speak it, leave out accents, it's distracting. You specified the scene takes place in 1898 Arizona, readers already understand the way the characters should actually sound speaking the words. Leave some room for the readers imagination.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Excellent!!!
I was engaged from beginning to end and yet it still had a terrific build.
Dialogue was great! You gave them slang without it being tough to decipher like a past cowboy script I read on MP.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I thought the script was really good, but I felt it was not a good method of following instructions for the topic. I felt it should have happened in a saloon, and that a courthouse was the last place I would have imagined it to take place. I felt it was kind of a cop out. If the topic was Westerns", it would have kicked butt.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Synopsis: A cowboy asks the town sheriff for protection from a notorious bad guy. The sheriff tells him to bribe the bad guy instead. A drunken deputy shows up, and then the bad guy, who kills all three of them.

I really like the setting for this. The newly constructed courthouse is a great way to externalize the arrival of justice to the west. Lots of great descriptive details, I love the cedar and the match.

However there wasn't much of a plot. A guy says a bad guys is going to kill him -- and he does. Interesting characters but I wanted to see more plot twists. It doesn't have to be something huge, just something unexpected.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Dang. Well your title certainly fits this here melodrama with a perfection of meaninglessness.

Beautifully rendered, carved with old west craftsmanship into total senselessness, yep!

A beautifully crafted cloud of air. Damn Good.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The script was a bit senseless, but it entertained nonetheless...LOL!!! Just kidding, I only wanted to say that because I thought to myself 'if this script sucks then I'm gonna say...', but the magnificent job you did does not allow me to say so.

Great story and characters. The setting was well established and I liked the way the courtroom kept getting frontline attention, even at the very end...sort of brought it to life as an additional cast member. This script was well done, and while it is not a big story and it is easily predictable, it does have great dialogue and action, making the whole ride worthwhile. This would certainly make a nice little western short. Very Good Work!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

So title page what were you thinking. That made no sense to fancy up the title page. The formatting was not great " not ' : not ... Try and be a little more direct. No huge speeches please... please. It distracts from your story. Senselessness not a good title either I think I get why you used it but didn't work for me.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I enjoyed the descriptions. Yours is a very well written story (couple of comma's missing on page 1 though)

Page 3 - too much of a dialogue for me conveying not that much information for such a chunk of dialog.

Page 5 - seems like Clyde is your main character. His last line is a lot of fun and a touching reveal. But I'd like it more if you set him up earlier and showed him earlier and showed his thoughts about senselessness earlier. Otherwise the preceding four pages are kind of off topic. Or may be it's just me.

Still, it's a good entry, I think. I had fun reading it.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Like the structure of this Western. Rolls along smoothly, good shoot-em-up towards the end, and a terrific reference to the title at the end.
Characters are well-defined; not too many, so relatively easy to keep track of them.
Nature of the prompt makes this dialogue-heavy, but the characters manner of speaking is interesting and well done.
Love this period of history. Enjoyable story.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Don't need a large, bold title.

If Waggoner and Xavier were expecting Booth, I don't understand their reaction. Why didn't they just ask if it was Booth rather than threatening the unknown person?

Contractions need apostrophes. I've noticed a couple instances of "cant" instead of "can't".

The deputy would pause to strike a match in the open doorway?

Page 3 is all dialogue, not a single action line. It looks very unbalanced. A good rule of thumb is, when in doubt, to have more action lines than dialogue.

The real story begins on page 5, and everything before that is exposition. This, too, feels unbalanced.

Vanoath's final line is a fun reversal, but I'm still not totally sure why he said it.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

This is a great script. All of the characters are well developed. I wished there was a bit more of Vanoath in the script.

Good build up and tension created. There anticipation on the coming of Vanoath.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I loved this. Great characters. Great dialogue.

Excellent work!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Some quality writing here. The story was good...didn't blow me away but it was entertaining.

I never did understand why Waggoner and his gang were in the new courthouse. I know they were hiding there but, why? And Booth didn't seem bothered that they were. To me it was just a little too convenient. What if Waggoner and his crew were the ones building it. Something like that anyway, to give some sort of explanation on why they were in there and it wasn't questioned by they sherrif.

And what happened to Booth in the end? Clyde blew everyone away but Booth. Why didn't Booth shoot Clyde?

I like the idea of the old gunslinging justice coming to an end in the new courthouse. That was great. I did enjoy this peice and your writing. Very good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I didn't think a western could be set entirely in a courtroom, but you've done a good job showing a larger story while keeping contained in the location. Although some may complain about the exposition that's made necessary by this, I rather enjoyed all the dialog, and it certainly built rather than decreased tension throughout the five pages.

The final confrontation was amazingly well written and effective.

I also really liked the themes you touched on, of the outlaw becoming outdated. That's an interesting place for a western to go, and it's what modern ones have to touch on to stay relevant.

Excellent.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

'SHERIFF BOOTH limps inside. Grey stubble peppers his square jaw. His eyes are tired. His slow walk even more so.' - great description.

You write well with clear, if occassionally overblown, action.

I did however find this piece heavy going. It took a while to get through, no pace to it, because the whole story unravels via dialogue which means exposition - tough not to do, or to do right in this month's challenge.

The characters, although delineated well, did not spring to life through their dialogue, they all spoke the same way. Clyde is the most interesting and I love his last line but can't believe the sheriff would just stand there and let him blow away three men including his deputy without raising a finger, especially as he just berated Xavier for doing exactly that.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I like westerns and the dialogue here seems authentic for that time and setting.

The story is very straight-forward, probably a little too much so. We see these men having a conversation about the legendary killer Clyde Vanoath with the Sheriff and how scared they are that he's gonna come kill them. And then he comes and kills them.

I thought your twist was gonna be that Sheriff Booth was somehow gonna also be this infamous murderer, his alter-ego, so-to-speak, but there wasn't any twist or revelation and I think the story could have benefited greatly with one.

Your overall screenwriting is fine; format appears in order; only detected a few typos.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I enjoyed this from start to finish, you didn't disappoint me until right at the ending, I wasn't sure I liked the closing dialogue and the fact that this Vanoath was allowed to just walk away. But this was one of my favorites this month. Lots of great imagery, good solid dialogue and fast pace, made this an excellent in my opinion.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I didn't get it. Who's the bad guy? Vanoath? Then why does he echo the sheriff's earlier line about being too old for this god damn(ed) senselessness? Did he take one look at the new court house and have some kind of outlaw epiphany? Why? I really didn't understand the story. Additionally, it was very "talky". It was probably 80 percent dialogue. Remember -- show, don't tell. William Goldman (screenwriter of "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid", among MANY others) says, in his book "Which Lie Did I Tell", "Because most critics and media writers still think screenplays are dialogue, I don't care how often I tell you this -- dialogue is one of the least important parts of any flick." Good words to remember from a consummate pro who truly understands screenwriting. Here are a couple other recommendations from me (a rank amateur who doesn't necessarily understand screenwriting, but who has a lot of opinions anyway). I would recommend eliminating (or toning down) some of the jazzy word choices in your narrative. For example, "A dusty window channels in pale moonlight..." Channels? Or "Booth cops a squat on the defense table." Cops a squat? (Maybe in the outhouse.) Or "The clodding of boots draws closer." Clodding? (It's not even listed as a verb in the dictionary.) Or "His spurs clobber the hard wooden floor..." Clobber? Usually, spurs jingle or jangle. Choose your words carefully. You're a writer -- your words matter. My last comment -- proofread. You have several spelling and punctuation errors. For example, the word "can't" is a contraction. It has an apostrophe. But my major comment would be that the story needs to be ironed out -- the end should be a lot more satisfying than just an off-the-cuff statement from the bad guy.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I enjoy a good western and this certainly qualifies as one. Great job on the dialogue - a real western vibe to it.

I enjoyed the shot of the hat going up in the air, the face exploding, and the hat landing back down on a headless body - great aesthetics.

This is very good - I do wish the Vanoath character had more to say in the end about justice - with him turning out to be a good character after all. Still, it's very good.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was an a very entertaing script filled with snappy WESTERN dialouge that I've learned to love through the years. They speak the language so good I re-read this one again and again just to read these characters chat.

No complaints on my part. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

Shawn Cottrill (Level 3)

I thought that your dialogue seemed very natural and flowed very well. You could hear the accents when you read your screenplay. The did not feel fake for forced in anyway. As far as the plot itself, I thought that is was fair. The way that you described the people and the surroundings was very well written.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

There was a lot that I liked about this, a story of the old west and the fact it was set in Arizona (even though it might have been anywhere in the west).

But overall, this fell short of the mark. The characters came across as cliche, the dialog too forced & wordy for my liking. Too much explaining for the set-up. Overall, I'm not feeling it, it lacked suspense or surprise or any real emotion on the part of the characters.

I suggest working on the characters add some fear, desparation and courage. Add more drama, concern for the family that might be left fatherless or whatever. Let's have a show-down from the get-go with the good guys being protected by Sheriff who's trying to be a mediator, we think the matter is going to be settled and then the bad guy settles it with his gun.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

The old west courthouse! Money!

Yes, I'm a fan of westerns. That said I like your script. The dialogue seemed fairly authentic, if a little over the top. I personally felt it added a little comedic relief. The motivation behind Vanoath was particularly good, not seeking reparation but maintaining his legacy. And he's tired of it.

Have a few thoughts on your style. There are a few descriptions that could use a little tweaking. One came on page 1, "a purposeful bang". I'm fairly new to screenwriting, but I feel its prudent to stick to more discernible qualities when it comes to sounds. (By the way, someone please correct me if I'm wrong or misguided - I could use some insight into this matter) Another occurred on page five; "A ray of moonlight gives us half his face". I have been told that referring to the audience or the camera (us) is a mistake, and frankly I agree. It seems to be a bit of a shortcut that takes something away from what would have been a great description of Vanoath. Something to consider in further writing or re-writes.

Overall this is a good short. Hope to read some more of your stuff in the future. Good luck!

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Oh my god... this was GENIUS.

Every single part was perfect. I LOVE THIS.

I'm giving it Excellent only because there isn't something higher. Well done!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2009 12:04 AM

Congratulations! I was thrilled to see someone write a western and I thought this script was great.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 12:04 AM

Congratulations on the win Michael! Very cool script!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2009 12:08 AM

Hey congrats.. I reviewed this with about two minutes to go, and so glad that I did!!! Well done.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 12:10 AM

I loved this. What Tim said!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 12:13 AM

Michael, congrats on making the winners circle! Awesome!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2009 1:19 AM

This sets a bar, man. Fricking great. I hope to write something this excellent some day.

Congratulations, sir. Well done.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2009 2:08 AM

WOW! I’m speechless. (unlike most characters in this script :) LOL

Thank you to everybody. I honestly didn’t expect this at all but I really had a fun time creating this little story and I guess that showed in the writing.

I’m truly humbled. For the short time I’ve been part of this great MoviePoet community, I’ve been privileged to read such outstanding writing and soaked up so much knowledge from you wonderful people. Thank you again.

As for this script, I was surprised to find such a wide variety of little things that people liked and disliked. It seems this simple story offered a different experience for each reader, which I think is pretty cool.

My biggest concern was the ending which some of you notably loved or hated. Funny because I felt the same way writing it. I actually had two different endings and went back and forth for days deciding which way to go.
In the end, for this particular story, I thought maybe the best twist would be no real twist at all. Probably still debatable but I’m obviously pleased with the choice. (especially since my wife despised this ending, so I’ve got bragging rights around the house... which is priceless.)

Thanks again to everyone. It really means the world to me.

David Birch (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 3:26 AM

...right back at 'ya...much congrats to you...must have been amateur night (for me, especially)...LOL...now you''re the one with the win streak to defend...good luck...congrats on losing your "virginity"...

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 5:11 AM

Congrats Michael, well done!!

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2009 8:22 AM

Very well done. Michael!

(I shall pretend I haven't read your comment about me being a 'seasoned vet'! :))

I liked this script a lot and I'm always dead pleased when new people get placed or win.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2009 12:28 PM

Are you kidding? There is no other ending. This was the one. The ending that must be there.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 4:31 PM

Congrats on your win. well deserved indeed!

Shaun Bragg (Level 4) ~ 8/2/2009 1:53 AM

I just had so much fun reading this. The dialouge was really good and I knew when I read this one it was the most impressive one out of the lot.

Way to go man.

Gabe Feinberg (Level 2) ~ 8/6/2009 11:02 AM

Very easy pace and natural dialog. Congrats on your win.

Jay Simms (Level 3) ~ 8/22/2009 4:07 PM

Very nice flow, quick and to the point. A good choice to win.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4) ~ 8/24/2009 12:24 AM

Thanks again to everyone for the continued kind words.