Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

I must admit I really like Zombie stories, so that alone gets some brownie points. The cool thing about this one is that it avoids the comic spin that zombie stories ussually take and goes for drama instead. It is a little talky tho. I would like to see the Lawyer and the cop get taken down instead of just hearing the characters talking about it. I could see maybe that happening and then the actions switches so we can see what happens with the people who stayed behind in the courtroom.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Took a while to know it was a zombie spin, but once that became clear it made more sense.
Try adding something else to it, waiting for someone to die, even in to a zombie, gets a little boring after while, especially in a 5 page script you know its all going to be over soon.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

His lawyer and Kate didn't even make
it to the car. And Officer Barnes- hmmmm, do we need all these names here? I think it would suffice to say 'the others' - your way we are left thinking who the heck are these people? and it deflects from the story(and we never did find out)

I liked the suspense you built up, but there was too little in the story to make me understand...why the zombies? Why that particular moment? Why those people?

Without this back story, really - just a gratuitous zombie fest with no foundation.

I think a longer version of the story could deal with those shortcomings, because it was, in essence, a good story, well-written.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This was inventive for the courtroom and such. I hoped everyone didn't do what I did, but now I think everyone is going to do a story in a court that has nothing to do with court. The zombie thing is nearly totally and absolutely tapped. I mean it's all been done before. There is nothing more anyone can add to the zombie film. This was no exception. However, you tried a character piece, you got some emotion in there, and hell your scriptwriting skills are awesome, so you're getting a VG from me.

Notes:
- Put a single dash in the scene headings. I know you are trying to be a trendsetter, but stop. please.
- You don't need 'from off screen'. It's clear in the action that we can't SEE the source.
- Page 2 and I'm thinking 'The Myst'. And heck I wish it were.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love a good zombie story and this did not disappoint. You had a great characters and I loved the energy and atmosphere in this story.

Your craft is great and this was a very fun read. The ending wasn't really a surprise, but still there was something kind of oddly sweet about it.

Very well done.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Great structure. When the script starts you have know idea what's going on and the dialogue helps build this interest while at the same time moving the story forward. I also like the way Cali wanted badly to leave, which created additional suspense in relation to the Description, as I thought for a second it might be violated. The ending was a slight let-down, but that says more about the skill with which you build the story than the ending itself.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Nice setting and the storyline kept me wondering about what was happening to Zeke. I found myself wondering what was wrong with Zeke as I read through the story. It was only towards the end that I began to figure out it was a zombie film.

I thought the title was a good fit, especially with the ending. I would have liked to know a bit more about Zeke and what happened to him. Otherwise, I thought you have a good little story here. Good Job.

David Birch (Level 5)

this was a tough one to review, because the writing was done at such a high level...your formatting was spot on, and the read flowed well...where i felt it fell apart was the story, itself...their was too much of a disconnect between the body of the story and the ending...unless i missed it, i didn't get from, virtually, proving her innocence to a conviction...i'll go back and read it again before the end of the voting, just to make sure i skipped over something...anyway...it still was a positive read...

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The kind of story I do not usually enjoy but this was well-written and held my attention throughout.

A few comments....

"Cali stands, exits. Carson steps in to the room, takes the seat Cali had occupied seconds earlier." I suspect you meant to put a new SLUG LINE here.

"Don't let me turn in to one of them." Think you mean turn INTO ...."

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

Very cool! I was waiting for someone to do the zombie scenario. I liked the dialoge, and the descriptions were well presented. A nice, easy read. If I had to change anything, I would leave out BEATS between the dialogue. The dailogue is already good enough to where we don't need to see a dramatic pause. Good job!

James Lynch (Level 1)

I liked the way the story progressed. It kept my attention and desire to know what was going to happen next. At the end, however I felt a factual disconnect between what was going on with the characters and the moaning crowd outside. I would have liked to know, or even have been able to guess, the connection between the suddenly suspended divorce proceedings, Zeke’s injury (which had something to do with the moaning outside) and why Cali needed to still be married to Zeke in order to shoot him. Where could Gruber have found nails and a hammer in a courtroom?

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Very good!
I stayed engaged through all five pages.
There was a nice build and an ending full of conflicting emotions.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I thought this was okay. I've seen the "people trapped in a building with creatures outside ready to come in" theme waaaaaaaay too often. Curious as to what kind of creatures they were. And I feel it could have been set in any location and that the "divorce proceeding" was kind of just thrown in there.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Synopsis: In a courtroom besieged by (presumably) zombies, a couple that was undergoing a divorce hearing rekindles their love, tragically. When the husband is wounded, he asks his friend to kill him so that he doesn't turn into a zombie, but his estranged wife says she can do it. She shoots him, and then herself.

Great setting, the zombies were a breath of fresh air from courtroom drama. I liked the situation and the emotional stakes. I wanted to know more about the characters, what makes them individuals and unique, I didn't really feel that there was a connection between them or between the characters and the reader.

Also, there's not too many dramatic questions in there -- Zeke and Cali are either eaten by zombies zombies or they shoot each other or some combination of the two. Either way they're dead. Usually "raising the stakes" means providing some larger consequences to the characters, but in this case I think you need to raise the stakes by providing some more hope of escape, so that their deaths at the ending has more impact.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Certainly you make points for creatively in using the courtroom as the last defense against the unspeakable, undead. The irony of the divorcing couple finally parting by death is a strong metaphor. Your screenplay begs all kinds of questions in my mind. What happened in the courthouse earlier? Where is the lawyer for Zeke? How come Zeke with a terminally festering and suppurating wound managed to get to the courthouse.

Your ending left me your reader hanging high and dry and without any hint of hope for the survivors of this nightmare.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Wow!!!
I had a feeling there was going to be a Zombier story in this contest. The courtroom makes for such a distinct place to be trapped in with hordes of undead clawing at the doors.

The setting and the purpose for the main characters to have been in court was genial. A divorce case. Everything in the script played out exactly the way a multitude of zombie flicks have portrayed before, but the divorce case and the courtroom is what makes it stand out as a unique example.

Dialogue was typical for the situation, but not bad at all. Technically, the script is a flawless execution. I saw it all coming at the end, but the trip there was pretty fun and the title is perfect for the short. Overall, I give this a Very Good because, excellent as it may be, the script does appear to be a part of a bigger film.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Ok this script just has nothing there for me. Literally what is going on here felt like I was starting in the middle of the story with nothing to go on. I thought this was about hidiing from some pitch back like creatures. I never see the creatures but I guess you are trying to emulate cloverfield so there is nothing that makes me afraid or even intrigued by the script its been done far too many times.

Another thing is I've noticed that alot of scripts on here begin with light or something relating to light you might want to switch that up a bit because for me I see it way too much. Look for different more interesting ways to start it up. It just left me with an empty feeling, sorry. Ok formatting but it doesn't do anything just a reason to kill of your characters.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

This one is very touching.

My only complaint - I don't see why she would kill herself too. Or was it her, did Zeke shot her? I think you did not build up to it, so it was rather sudden. And that's why it feels like something out of a feature.

But still... It's a very easy read, grabbed me so. It's very good I think. No less, for me at least.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Characters defined so able to differentiate from each other.
Seems incongruous that Cali was in court to divorce Zeke, but was willing to end his life. Then she takes her own life. Confusing. Perhaps a more complete explanation about the cause of the divorce might make the murder/suicide more plausible.
Minor, but might change Carson or Cali to a different name so they don't begin with same letter. Occasionally confuse one with the other with the first two letters same.
Don't understand the groans coming from outside. "A hundred of them"? Of what? And they smell the three inside? A different genre injected into this story that doesn't fit.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"anything that isn't nailed down"... I think it would well serve the script to give us a quick'n'dirty description of the courtroom. Since courtrooms are often different, we don't know what is or isn't nailed down. The only thing I can think of is chairs, and possibly large tables. But that shouldn't be left to my imagination, I think.

Where'd they get boards for the windows?

The first six lines of dialogue felt cut and pasted from a thousand movies. I think your script could stand out a lot if something original were there instead. As it stands, I'm struck with monotony from all my other movie experiences.

"You were never a very good liar." The same critique here. I've heard that line a million times before. A little imagination goes a long way.

The final scene with the two bodies seemed redundant. I think the ambiguity would be fantastic if you just ended the script right after Carson bolts for the door.

The zombie twist on page 3, while not anticipated, feels unfortunate. Your script went from being an unoriginal drama to an unoriginal zombie flick. And I only say unoriginal because of the dialogue and the barricade situation. Your format is wonderful and the script is clean and breezy to read.

An infusion into the dialogue could make this a remarkable character study, if you so chose, because right now all the characters are little more than caricatures. Okay, so Cali and Zeke were going to get divorced, then they perform a little Romeo&Juliet double suicide. Why? Original dialogue would go a long way to giving us remarkable insights into who these people are.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

The title had me thinking that one or two people would be dead by the end of the script.

Now that I have read the script, the start is strong. It begins at the heart of conflict of the script. I wonder how the gun got smuggled into the courthouse.

The ending leaves me with some questions. Did Cali kill herself because of the affair? Did she suddenly realize that she loved her husband so much that she would kill herself? Why would she shoot him when it is likely that he would die of his wounds if she just barracaded the door?

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is one of the best scripts I've read this month. You didn't try to cram a whole trial into a few pages. You didn't try to write about procedures and processes. You wrote emotions. I love this!

Excellent work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

Nice zombie courtroom scene. It was a treat to see how one can make an unusual twist to the usual. I loved how the two was getting a divorce only to be brought closer together. This was an excellent story and the formatting perfect. I actually wouldn't mind seeing this courtroom scene. You're quite talented with making everything visual as a screenwriters does. Keep up the great work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Zombies...always zombies at movie Poet. :)

This was a good idea. I really liked the ending. for me the problem was we arrive in the middle...which is fine...but we never get any answers to anything. Like first of all, what the hell is going on? And I guess Cali and Carson were having an affair? Was Carson her lawyer? Was he a friend of Zeke's? That part is foggy. And lastly, Cali and Zeke. We know nothing about their relationship except they were there to get a divorce, she has moved on and something is going on between she and Carson, then all of a sudden she decides to kill herself after she puts Zeke out of his misery. I think we need something besides tears to show she's still in love with him.

I do like the idea and with a couple things clarified I think it could be much better. Great title by the way, really fits. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

With the confined location in the contest rules, I was expecting at least one zombie story. This story was good, and I really liked the central relationship, how they had actually come to the court to divorce, but the zompocalypse pushed them back together. Likewise all the other characters were also introduced really well.

However I have to wonder how much she really loves Zeke if she went there to divorce him and is also having an affair with her attorney (or so I gathered). This leaves the ending open to interpretation as either a tragic, passionate suicide out of love, more a pointless waste of young life out of selfishness (a similar reading could be made of other tragedies - I'm thinking particularly of Romeo & Juliet).

I think it would help if you established how long they had been holed up together - if it's quite long, then the ending and their apparent renewed love for each other would feel more acceptable, also taking into account the apparent hopelessness of the zombie situation.

That's probably just my cynicism that's making me lean towards the latter interpretation, and I imagine it wouldn't be a problem for other reviewers. Very good.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

The MP crowd sure likes zombie stories. True, this isn't really a zombie story at all, but I don't think the zombie setting adds anything. In fact, I think it detracts. However, it would probably work as a story-arc in a much lengthier zombie-flick. So that's how I grade it, as a scene and not a stand-alone story.

A few other, minor complaints:

"His lawyer and Kate didn't even make it to the car." using first names suggests significance, but Kate really has none in this context. It would flow better as, "The others didn't even make it to the car!" "Officer Barnes" is okay because it explains how they got the gun. But then this brings me to Gruber...

Who in the hell is Gruber and why is he there? What's he hammering nails with, the gavel? I have a suggestion, and it's merely that: Have Gruber be the bailiff. It explains why he's there, it explains how he witnessed Carson's exposition, and it explains the gun. In fact, I think it would be cool to have him using his pistol as the hammer to nail the boards down.

Another thing, the name Zeke really grates on my nerves.

Finally, there needs to be more tension in Cali's decision to off her husband. She seems very cavalier about it.

Best regards.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

A good solid script. The dialogue was quick and crisp and the pacing made it very smooth to breeze through. The narrative was simple but detailed enough to follow easily.

High marks for the writing and formatting skill.

What really held it back was the story itself. I never got truly engaged with the situation. It all felt too familiar for the genre. I would have liked some special angle that made me care about these particular people more than any average group facing zombie peril. I liked the ending but, again, I wish I had felt more heartbreak for these two individuals.

Another minor issue was the appearance of Zeke in the judge's chamber. He is just sort of suddenly in there and it takes a little while to even realize exactly who he is.

Overall, I still think this is good work. Just wish there had been a little more story to match the fine screenwriting skills that you possess.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is very pacy - straight into the action - some on the nose dialogue on page 1:

"His lawyer and Kate didn't even make
it to the car. And Officer Barnes-"

As Kate and the lawyer aren't integral to the plot it could just read: "The others didn't even make it to the car." etc

GRUBER
'Least he left us the pistol." - this line feels cluky, not sure how you could make it less obvious - perhaps CArson just looks to the officer's pistol which is why he can't finish the line??

The ending - did Zeke shoot her? Nice twist if so but comes a little out of nowhere - would make sense as he kows about the affair but perhaps more needed to clarify this other than his smoking wound indicating that he was the last one shot. If he didn't shoot her then that smoking wound should be on her.

Very good, well done.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

Overall, I felt unresolved about the whole matter. Who's outside? Why are there hundreds of them? How does a solitary bullet wound solve the main tension? Why does Cali take her own life = how does it relate to the main tension? Just too many questions and not enough answers.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I've been reviewing here at MoviePoet for almost a year now and I think every month there's been a zombie story. I dig them.

I did enjoy this, although I felt parts got lost in the translation, leaving me with questions:

So, Carson is Cali's attorney and her boyfriend, is that right?

Who exactly is Gruber? I don't know his relevance to Cali and Carson or to the plot. Maybe edit him out, decrease the character count, and keep it simpler.

Ok, we have zombies, but what's the backstory with them? What exactly happened?

Is there any connection with the divorce and the zombie attack? Maybe a connection could put a cool twist on the story.

The scene where a loved-one has to kill another before they become a zombie is very familiar now, both here at MoviePoet and in the movies (28 Days Later).

The conclusion with Cali's suicide seemed very fast and forced.

Your screenwriting is good, format appears in order, only detected a few typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a solid script that's well written. For me I'd like to have been more threatened by the things that are attacking them, in particular a guy flicking through a magazine seems to send the wrong message. Also the whole story feels like a scene out of a longer story.

"You know we can't go out there." - I've just read another entry that plays on the restrictions of the contest. Fortunately it turns out you don't go crazy on the topic.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I thought you had a great idea and parts of this work for me. What works is that you have a unique take on the assignment. You've combined zombie like creatures waiting outside the courtroom, and a drama unfolding inside. At first glance it seems like a good solid script, but as I re read it again, I found some holes in it.

Number one is, why would they be in a courtroom filing for divorce, when all around them there are zombies out to get them.

How did Zeke get hurt? If he was in the courtroom the whole time.

It seemed to come out of left field that Calvin and Cali (and I would consider changing one of then names, they are too similar) were having an affair. It just seems like a conflict of interest.

Gruber is just flicking through a magazine, while there are zombies pounding on the door? Doesn't seem like something I would be doing, in those kinds of circumstances.

Why would it make a difference whether they were still married, as to if she could kill him..? This part was confusing to me. Why did they both have to die?

As I said, it was good on the surface read, until I started uncovering things that didn't add up for me.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a well-crafted screenplay, and a clever way to use the mandatory court room setting in a unique way. But the story is very predictable. No surprises here. Better if, after the second gunshot, Carson had run into the room and found something totally unexpected. As written, this is just a 5-page chunk of every zombie story out there.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

A nice little zombie courtoom drama with a twist of suicide. Just how I like my features!

Craft is good. A little contrived and cliche dialogue, but it's five pages, you don't have a whole lotta time to give a hefty backstory.

Really like the candle as a passage of time.

Like the lawyer's line about making the other person appear to be an asshole, so true, so true!

Not bad at all buddy. I do wish there was a bit more action, like the zombies pounding the shit outta the door, trying to get in - something to that effect. It would add an element of time to the story and give it a bit more suspense.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

This was a well done and emotional script. Dark for sure but the realtionship between Zeke and Cali seemed genuine. When Cali delievered the words "I can do it".

I knew she wouldn't do it or struggle or kill herslef because that's the way it goes in the horror genre, but they way its handle is done well. I would've left out the line "Cali!" when the second gun shot goes off.

Very good script. I enjoyed it a lot.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

This was a pretty decent script. It was well formed and your descriptions of the courtroom made it easy to visualize. The relationship between Zeke and Cali seemed genuine. I thought that the slow pace was a little boring, but that's my bias against the subject matter. All around good effort. Best of luck!

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This was pretty cool, but unfortunately it's just filled with too many cliches. The zombies, boarded up building, someone slowly turning, having to kill him off before he turns, etc. You had a really cool overall idea, but you didn't really give it anything interesting.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2009 12:13 AM

Great script. One of my favorites this month.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 12:15 AM

I loved this and really thought it would place.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 12:46 AM

Thank you everyone for all the great feedback. I'm glad a lot of people seemed to enjoy it and I'm sorry to those I confused by leaving out the backstory.

Whenever I am stumped by the contest Chris selects, my standby idea generator is to write what I think of as a chapter in the zombie apocalypse that conforms to the contest rules. This script was the fourth one I've had to do here at MP now. (Game On, Seasons Feedings, The Last Day are the other three.)


Anyway, thanks again for all the great feedback! As always, it is greatly appreciated and taken to heart.