Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I am always a big fan of ensembles and also of films that focus on the inner workings of people. I think that this would make an entertaining little short.

I'd like to see a little more personality off of some of these guys and gals. Maybe find a way for some of the characters to imply more and say less...the juror who thinks about the defendant belonging in the gutter could be made more powerful by giving her a more subtle way to imply that she was never going to give this guy a chance. Likewise, it would be more compelling to hear something more specific that tells us our sympathetic juror is going to pull for forgiveness without so directly stating it.

You might also play with pacing and juror responses/preoccupations. Maybe they all get their solo thoughts, then there's a more rapid-fire sequence of thoughts that correspond to different reactions (which could be really interesting if it didn't completely line up with the expressions you show of the characters right before the verdict) as the verdict is reported...easier said than written, right?

All-in-all, I like what you have. I'd love to see it pushed a littler further into the hearts and minds of the jurors, though. I get the sense that they screw this one up, but that works well as being almost on the incidental side. Or, give our defendant a little more to do so that we know what's at stake with the trial.

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

Cute, and quite accurate. I must admit daydreaming myself when I had jury duty.I noticed the prosecutor's speech matches the juror's thoughts more often in the second half of the story than they do at the beggining. I would suggest rewriting the beggining to make this consistent.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

It took a while to read, but I enjoyed what you did with it. The only problem is with all the jurors being seen, we forget what the first one was doing and thinking when we met them. A small problem, but I as it went on I got more excited for the next juror to see what they were like. Good work overall.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was well written and paced. I thought the script was going pretty well, offering a candid and humorous look into the minds of the jury, but I felt like the ending fell very flat. There was no real climax and the punchline didn't work for me. Overall, I thought this had a ton of potential and maybe if you had a few extra pages to follow them in to the jury room, that potential may have come to fruition, but as it is, it left something to be desired for me. Nice effort. I'd like to see it expanded.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I like the idea of showing the uselessness of most jury's at least British jurors. It was a lot to follow with the many characters and their own day dreams. If done right it could look good and still get the point across. Good Job.

Notes:
- Is the defendant male, female?
- ... can mean fade.
- Deary me? No one says that. You telling me a child of the sixties would say this?
- Clerk of court's line should be (o.s.)

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think this is a very clever idea and it works well for a short.

It does start to feel a tad repetitive, the idea that everyone is thinking about something that the shouldn't be, but your different characters are all very distinct and the ideas so visual, that I think for a short film, it would work very well.

My only real complain (and it is a small one), I think you can come up with a better title.

Christopher Pedersen Cook (Level 3)

Clever and funny. I like that the case background is left unspoken. This supports the story as a whole in a most poetic way. What I got out of it was that even if you can support the ideal and collect a jury representing a diversity of ages, backgrounds and cultures, they will still have one very important thing in common. Thus, I found the ending to be both humorous and poignant.

Darren Cole (Level 2)

Sad but true story. Interesting perspective on all characters. Writing style was different than I have been reading, as far as daydreams, but I caught up. As always i felt like it had a hard time fitting in five pages, but the story wa told as full as it could have been. The fantasy stuff was not my bowl of rice as far as the reporter went, I enjoy a more wholesome story.

Over all good story, my best to yah.

DC

David Birch (Level 5)

interesting concept...well written/formatted...tough, in a five pager, to not play to stereotypes...but, this one went a little too strong in that category...would have preferred to see someone break the "mold" and through us off track at the end...but, that is what makes each of us individuals...but your writing is solid...thanks...

Denise Sodaro (Level 2)

This is a fun concept. Ignoring the very boring court room, and what the jurors are really thinking. Although it would be even more fun, to further "see" the daydreams of the jurors, even more so than their internal comments.

It was a nice, ironic twist at the end - the juror, 'proud' be part of the proceedings and ultimately to decide the fate of the accused.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Good writing style. In my opinion, there are too many characters to keep separate. It may have been more effective to focus on one or two jurors and draw a deeper contrast.

A few notes...

DEFENCE should be DEFENSE.

"Addresses the jury" and "continues his speech" is redundant. Show him addressing the jury and continuing his speech ... don't tell us!

When writing numbers in dialogue, always spell the numbers out. Example: "kindly refer to page 37 of..." Should be page thirty-seven.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

I loved the concept and everything about this - from the title to FADE OUT. Very well written and the message comes across clearly through the distinct characters and their voiceovers. The only thing I might comment on is the use (overuse?) of ellipses. My understanding is that they're to be used when dialogue peters out. I wouldn't use them at the beginning of a side, especially if the previous side ended with them. But this is a minor thing. You did a great job!

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Nice job establishing so many characters so well.
It didn't really feel like it had a clear ending. I'm sure it's tough to do that with so many characters and a 5 pg limit. I'd like to see it developed into something longer.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I think it would have been a funny scene to view, but not as a read. I kept waiting to at least find out what the crime was, but I get that the focus was on the jurors. I did think it was a good way of showing the reality of what a lot of jurors are thinking, but that's life. Thought the judge had too much dialogue with not enough versatility.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Synopsis: We hear the inner thoughts of a group of bored jurors during a court case with a soporific judge and council.

Interesting premise, almost a sketchbook of character sketches. I liked the variety of different thoughts running through the juror's heads, and it seemed realistic and gave a good picture of each one's personality. The judge's monologue was appropriately boring, although I think it went on a bit too long after we got the idea.

I like the contrast of Gavin's enthusiasm for the system and the juror's indifference to it, that worked well, here.

I think you could have taken this further. Give us an actual case with actual details and leave the reader with the task to decide the case, when the jury is out. It's a great concept now but it's not much of a story, and lacks resolution and a sense of closure. Good writing though, and you managed to evoke a lot through imagery.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You have wrought a wonderfully revealing physiological tale that your movie title promised. Super. I applaud your cleaver manipulations and mastery overcoming the many formatting restrictions of a five page screenplay. You have succeeded wonderfully. Excellent piece of writing and a demonstration of applied creativity.

This is an insightful movie script well worth seeing produced.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I like the concept behind this script. Focusing strictly on the behavioral patterns exhibited by the jurors was magnificent. Their minds hard at work on everything but the case at hand. Makes you wonder how the hell people get in that seat in the first place, but then again... we're all human...LOL!!!

Great writing and creativity on account of all the mental dalliances taken by the jurors. Made into a short film, this would stand as a commentary on the erroneous choices sometimes made in assembling a jury for a case.

Overall, Excellent Work! Cheers.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

This was a pretty boring script good choice to use montage but I'm afraid it had no effect on me emotionally. The whole thing seemed like a scene from a disney movie the last scene where all the tension is gone and everyone just goes home.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I really like your fun little movie. I think it would be very interesting on screen.

I don't know what to say - this one is my kind of comedy I guess.

The only thing - I cannot understand the last lines that belong to Gavin - I mean you didn't build to that (or tried to build to that) right? And for this reason, the title, I think, is not very becoming. They weren't caught in the act, were they.

I am putting Excellent for it anyway.

I particularly liked the bit about the glasses.

Some (very little) of the dialog could be reworked. Like: Page2 CARLOTA "Two weeks to go. Counting the days..." - I don't think "counting the days sounds natural as a V.O., plus feels redundant. "Two weeks to go. That's fourteen days..." sounds better for me -- just a thought.

Excellent work!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Creative idea for this courtroom prompt. Curious while reading how many "character profiles" didn't make it to the final 12.
The structure is different, easy to follow, and seems part of the tale. Love the variety.
May be the best use of VO ever. The juxtaposition of the Counsel for the Defence's boring pontifications with the interesting musings of the jury is terrific.
Reread the Counsel's speeches, isolating what he says to see if it works. It does.
Well-written. Excellent.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

"Don't time fly when you're havin' fun?" I'm always sharing lines with somebody each month. :)

Not much of a story, here, but it works as a satire, I suppose. The problem with 12 jurors, as I'm sure we all found out this month, is simply the confusing nature of so many characters. I think this would work better in the visual than the written format.

Your tiny snippets of character were very well drawn, even though I was weary of them almost immediately (because after two or three, I knew I was going to be shown the other nine or ten, and I felt no sense of suspense, but rather inevitability). You went for something different, something daring, so I applaud that, although I'm not sure that I'll remember this at the end of the month due to the lack of story.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

I like this title. The characters are interesting and very diverse.

It is a great snapshot into the minds and motives of jurors. The only thing that the great script is missing is some conflict. As it stand now, it seems to be a set up for some fireworks in the jury room.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Very well thought out and executed. I'm not sure how you'll film a tropical beach without leaving the courtroom, but Chris must be okay with it. It does add to the story.

Very good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I was wondering if someone was going to attempt introducing all 12 jurors. I like the idea but I just don't think 5 pages works for this many characters. I couldn't keep up with what the counsel was saying because he was cut off over 12 times. I think the idea that none of them were really paying attention to something so important is a good idea but maybe would have worked better if we didn't really hear any of the counsel's speach. They weren't listening so why should we hear it? Maybe if it was that muttled type of voice in the background. In the end I had no idea what the court case was about because there was too much going on. Maybe if all we actually hear the counsel say is that the defendant's life is in their hands...or something like that. Then you see them not paying attention.

Good idea though, just needs to be executed a bit better.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I like how you managed to keep each of the jurors distinct. So many characters is hard even in a feature, so stripping them down to one goal/fantasy each was a good idea.

The satire on the justice system was quite sharp, and I liked that you kept away from the mean-spirited side of the line by not revealing what the man was being charged for (it would be much harder to enjoy if someone was being wrongly convicted of murder).

Excellent.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

This was good. Different. I admire the thoughtful and creative angle you explored. The satire was well received and had such a fun ironic message.

Initially, I was worried about the lack of names used for the trial participants (i.e THE JUDGE, DEFENDANT) but later realized how it fit in showing the complete lack of importance of the case itself.
I understand the COUNSEL OF DEFENCE was delivered with a similar midset but I found him quite a bit more unnerving. I get that his blabbering was just background noise but it seemed like an awful lot of valuable space to burn for meaningless dialogue. I couldn't help but fantasize that his ramblings should sound like the teacher in the 'Peanuts' cartoon. I'm not sure how you would write that but it would be perfect.

I liked that each juror brought something unique to the table. It helped to keep my interest. I'll admit, the presentation did become a bit tedious and repetitive but the characters were just good enough to pull it off.

Fun and creative take on the contest. Very good work.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

'His voice is a dreary monotone...no sound is heard.' - a monotone with no sound?

golly no wonder they were all busy doing other stuff - it really was incredibly dull.

The use of (fades) under each speech was unecessary.

I struggled to pay attention and the pay off, althoug an interesting comment on the legal system, fell very flat.

Nothing there to keep my attention.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This was an interesting concept that details, probably as accurate as can be, exactly how jurors behave during, what can be most-times, a tedious jury trial. I also appreciate you keeping parts of the story as visual as possible.

But, outside of this theme of the mostly apathetic jurors, I'm not quite sure of your actual story, plot, or conflict here. Perhaps if we knew the plight of your defendant, we might root for him and become frustrated with his fate being left in the hands of these people. But, I understand you only five pages to work with.

Introducing character after character throughout the entire script might be a bit too much also.

Some sort of twist or revelation might have benefited your story. I understand Gavin's ironic voice-over at the end, but I needed a little more.

Your screenwriting is fine, format appears in order, didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a very strong script that is based on a great idea. To devise 12 different characters must have been very tough and it is hard to avoid cliches, although on the whole you have done so.

I wonder if the title couldn't be something more specifically in line with what the script is about. Something clearly referring to a jury in some way.

I like the smart transition opening.

"DAYDREAM - A TROPICAL BEACH - blue sky, waving palm trees." - For me this would count as another location, although I guess you could add this in post-production without needing to film it.

"CARLOTTA (V.O.)
Two weeks to go. Counting the
days. Must book a bikini wax." - I think that the "Counting the days." line in here sounds like a description of what she is doing in the previous line. So I'm not sure they sit naturally together in her thoughts.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I thought this was ok. I would rather have the people not be the obvious stereotypes that they were portrayed in this to give a "new" feel or something. I think the idea was good but just too much obvious dialog when it came to the jurors. I didn't care what the judge was saying and that was probably your intenet so I appluad you for putting me in the scene. But like the jurors I found it kinda boring.

Format wise I thought you were spot on.

Ryan McNeily (Level 2)

Really great. A commentary on the human condition, in that it is self-serving, fundamentally incapable of living up the request made by institutions like a justice system. The surrealism of the jurors' daydreaming and imaginations colors the drama and also is highly indicative of the jurors' personalities. I think that the counsel's speech is lost in some places, and may be served in revision by tightening up his line of thought, however this is a sharp 5-pager.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

The fact that you have created so many different characters in the jury, in your script, makes this so much more interesting. I think you've taken a really hard challencge (one I couldn't do) and written a solid script. I could really see each character in my minds eye. Their dialogue was matched well with the descriptions of each Jury member.

This is one of my favorite scripts this month. You did a really nice job, creating a fun scenario, with so many interesting characters, all in one room.

good job.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is really great. Very clever and well written. And probably very true-to-life. My favorite juror was the insecure Simon, but they were all good. (One question -- how are you going to show Carlotta's daydream, when the whole thing has to take place in a court room? Instead of a daydream, you might have an INSERT, like Jimmy's, of a brochure about some tropical island paradise.) Anyway, very nice job. My one comment would be the ending. It would have been great to have all that daydreaming lead to a really shocking or funny or at least surprising twist at the end, but it just sort of ends. Overall, though, great job.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

We can't fade in to a black screen - for starters. Have "black screen" then the "vo" then the "fade in" to properly format the opening.

The message you're conveying is a good one: that no one on the jury, with the exception of one man, actually gives a shit about the judicial system; and that it's nothing but nuisance to serve jury duty.

Your characterizations were pretty good. Of course, with 12 people and five pages, you've barely got any room to develop the characters, but that's okay - we get the gist of each person by the way you made them out physically and mentally.

This is something that could be made into an interesting short with the right director and vision.

Good job.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

The opening scene sets up everything very well and the descriptions are on point. Maybe too much but still good.

The dialouge here is extremely good. It's as natural as it could get. Straight out of a courtroom. Well done.

I'd maybe make a few changes with the ending but bravo very good job.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

Thought this was a decent piece with some funny moments. The thrilling chore that is jury duty is always ripe for the picking. Your repetition of the Defense Council's dry speech was spot on and gave a nice flow to the whole piece. The voice over narration was all right, but at times seemed to be over used, such as Juror Mason looking at the clock. I personally did not like the montage at the end, but that's simply my opinion. It may have been fun to flirt with the idea that despite how little most of these people care, they all feel compelled to be there. All in all a good entry. Good luck!

Comments Made After the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 12:05 AM

Congratulations Caroline!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2009 12:06 AM

Congratulations! I'm so happy to see you with another deserving script in the top three. I wish I had your ability to come up with story ideas. :)

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 12:13 AM

Caroline, you're brilliant! Congratulations!

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2009 12:14 AM

Caroline, you are truly brilliant. I really enjoyed this. It was a definite favorite of mine. Well done and CONGRATS

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 2:09 AM

Happy to see it's placed!

Michael Hoffman (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2009 3:05 AM

Congrats Caroline! The winning scores were so damn tight. I'm honored to place with such a decorated MoviePoet vet. Keep up the good work. Your script was such a fun read.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 4:55 AM

Boy, I gave you a horrid reveiw. I'm sorry. It's the first time I've not enjoyed your work. Congrats on placing. Go the Brits!!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 1:37 PM

Caroline, I was right that I didn't remember this script because of the story. But, you know what? I did remember it because of the phenomenal characterizations! A lot of scripts contain two or three characters who all sound and act identical, but you managed somehow to squeeze in twelve completely different people who were all radically different from each other. Hat in hand, I kneel at the figurative shelf of all your MoviePoet trophies in hopes that some drippings of talent will fall on my upturned face.

No, really, I mean it. Well-deserved!

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 1:44 PM

My favorite this month. An excellent script, Congrats.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2009 1:49 PM

Thanks a lot, KP (and everyone else) - I actually used this contest as a sort of challenge. I know when I review scripts I often say 'FAR too many characters for 5 pages! You didn't have the space to develop them sufficiently so I couldn't distinguish one from another.' Or words to that effect.

I was waiting for someone (or many people!) to level that accusation at me (but the premise of the satire wouldn't have worked unless I'd included ALL the members of the jury)

So...I tried to characterise each person in as few words as possible :)

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4) ~ 8/2/2009 12:51 PM

I just read this... really liked it. Strangely enough, I almost did the same exact idea for the contest. I also had one guy playing Suduko! Forgot why I decided against it... guess, I didn't think I could pull it off, but your scripts demonstrates that it was possible. Nice job!

I also think it's great how you were able to create 12 jurors will all different thoughts. So many characters, so little pages, yet it totally worked. And Gavin... you know, there always have to be that one person who is so into their job, it makes everyone else look bad. It would be so cool to see them all in the juror room deliberating. Nobody was listening, except for Gavin, so it could be interesting. Maybe a part two? I would love to read it. But, if you don't, that's cool too. I already have an idea how it would turn out, haha...

Christopher OConnor (Level 3) ~ 8/10/2009 5:55 AM

I how the ending comes full circle. At the start, Gavin kind of doesn't make any sense, but at the end we find out he was practicing his speech. I love that bit all the more just because I do the same thing, myself.

Bill Sweeney (Level 0) ~ 9/20/2011 2:13 AM

I like that this story has a point. It's quite true, too.