Comments Made During the Contest

Aralis Bloise (Level 4)

It's a really good idea, comparing the human race to mice stowing away in an alien ship but I wish it was SHOWN more in the actual action rather than being recited by a character. The story had me intrigued and I kept waiting to see what was going on,which means so the suspense at the beggining is very effective but once the character of Kerr is introduced, it moves too quickly. I would like to spend a little more time getting to like her so I care whether they leave her alone or not, and also find a way to tell her the plan tha doesnt sound so much like exposition.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

I think you have a good idea here, but this is all dialogue based. They're aliens right? or mice? The title can be confusing in relation to the story. It's tough to tell a story and give twist and turns through just dialogue. Practice the 'show don't tell' theory.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and paced well. The story was interesting. The dialogue seemed okay. The characters felt pretty flat to me. I liked the twist at the end with the aliens, but the human plan to multiply across the universe struck me as kind of illogical. I don't know... Maybe if you had a few extra pages to elaborate on that, it'd make more sense. Overall, I thought this was written well, but the story could be improved.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

So why was this set in a courtroom? Yes, it met the requirements of the contest. No, it had absolutely no relevance to the story. You could have replaced the location Courtroom with Library, Bathroom, Supermarket....

I felt this could do better if it was part of a larger piece because the characters had no room to develop distinct personalities. It was all 'in transit' - waiting for something to happen, but nothing actually happening except they were telling us their plans.

A few notes:

Why Mice Rising?

Are the exact makes of the guns an important detail? If not, don't tell us. Means nothing to me.

Closer we get to their Big House...We’re one of several hand picked teams sneaking into
the Big House (REALLY telling not showing)...Being under the Big House...until we board the Big House...Yes, we’re sending teams onto all the Alien ships starting with their Big House. Soon we’ll be on every planet they’ve conquered and every ship in their fleet.(MORE telling not showing) - I just wanted to note all these mentions of the Big House. I felt it was overdone.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great atmosphere. Strong visuals. Interesting characters. Intriguing dialogue.

But, I have almost no idea what is going on. I kept thinking it would be clear in the end, but it wasn't. It almost feels like there is a scene missing.

If this was an exercise in creating tension and mood, it would be excellent (you're craft is great), but I can't help wanting more of a story.

Darren Cole (Level 2)

I felt trapped in the courtroom..was that the intent of the mice? Very pulse pounding and action packed for a 5 page script. enjoyed reading it. More of a directors script with actors given specific movements..i tend to like a script like that more...didn't feel gutted like most i've read.

David Birch (Level 5)

was written okay...the connection between your story and the courtroom was tenuous, at best...lots going on...would have preferred some backstory to help me get "hooked" on your characters plight (i.e. the barricading of the doors)...

Denise Sodaro (Level 2)

This was suspenseful, so much so, that I wanted more. It got a bit confusing towards the end - I expected to see someone exit, perhaps sneak out for the ship and I didn't see that happend. Just the expectation that it was going to happen and then a little static, as the plan didn't quite go as expected. Although I did want to know more the invaders.

Interesting use of the court room, unexpected.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

I think this could be a really exciting adventure story. I know that the script had to be five pages for the contest, but I'd love to see it expanded. I'd love to know a bit of the backstory, who this team is, who they are trying to escape, etc. etc.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Well written and very good script. I would have liked to have seen more mention of the court room, perhaps why it was vacant and dusty ...

Fred Koszewnik (Level 5)

The great strength of the story was the clear sense of desparate determination in the characters. This tense sense of purpose was what pushed the story forward for me. And lots of strange bright lights and loud noises with an unseen adversary IS frightening. I wish the characters had more individualization (if that's a word) that brought out their humanity and possibly brightened the morality and brightness of their resolve to reclaim what had been taken from them. A genuine pleasure to share in your vision.

Geoff Willis (Level 3)

Well, it is IN a courtroom, i'll give you that. Seriously flawed story. Why on earth did Zeph stay with Kerr after just meeting her?

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Pretty good job. You kept the audience interested and kept them trying to put the pieces together right up until the last page.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

I started off liking it, but thought it left too much of an opening as to who they were, and who the trappers were. I guess I was looking for more information to tie it all together. I thought it would make a good beginning of a longer script.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Synopsis: In a mysterious post-apocalyptic world, a group of survivors hole up in an abandoned courtroom, and discuss a raid on the "Big House". They rescue Kerr, another survivor who was taken by whatever is out there. In the end, they rally together in presumably their last stand as the aliens begin their siege on the courtroom.

This was a really cool use of the courtroom setting. A very unexpected story. I liked the sense of action and the tension that you created here.

It was a little confusing as to what was going on. Part of that, I'm sure, was intentional, and I liked the sense of mystery at first, but would have like to know that it was aliens sooner. AFter a few pages, I assumed it was zombies.

Lots of atmosphere, I liked that. The descriptions worked, but didn't seem very original... I feel like I've seen "motes of dust" too many times. What's a mote, anyway? Try using a bit of simile to evoke mood instead of stock phrases.

I liked the jargon. The character names were great, and the "Trappers" etc worked well, in my opinion. The phrase "Big House" sounded a little odd to me, but it was ok.

Overall this seemed like a great setup to an action movie, but it was more of a setup than a stand-alone story. You've succeeded in creating an interesting and unique world. Nice work.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Your cryptic powerful title drew me right in. This is a sinister Dystopian tale that completely ignores the courtroom. It has no significance in this script other than to simply be a piece of scenery. Believe me when I say, “what a relief.” Lots of impending action but hardly anything actually is captured on camera.

I shall return shortly with some enlightenment of value we pray. I shall say again yout title is perfectly wonderful, the story really didn’t transport me or make be feel anything for these young battling sterotypes. It was a fair telling of a sad story.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was well written. For the type of story it is, and for the situation that they are in, the pacing is good and the tension builds up nicely. However, the "Aliens" explanation at the end was forced and on-the-nose. It feels as if you had forgotten to include that information and you just threw it in there.

There should have been a bit of forewarning and hinting as to where the script was headed. The ending came away to sudden and left one feeling lost. Good concept, fair execution, Good overall!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Ok I liked the concept it is a little similar to mine but the action feels quite forced. Fade in is not aligned correctly go to the left. Alot of your description was awkward, but maybe this was rushed. The courthouse was used weirdly and I'll give you props for that but it didn't feel like a courthouse just felt cheated by the events. Even the name big house doesn't do it for me. I get you are trying to play on words (jail) but it didn't excite me. I've been on moviepoet long enough to know that this could have been better. You didn't break too many rules for me so I can accept that. But it is going to be fair for me.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Nitpicking: I don't think you need "the orderly room shows years of abandon", you already said "dusty space". Page 2 Paula "I don't like." - missing "it".

It's a little no conflict story for me. I would expect/like them to be at odds with each other rather than with a protagonist I don't even see. And that's why your story didn't grab me. What they were trying to accomplish (meaning your characters) is over my head. And not only because it's a ski-fi. I'm not a ski-fi fan but regardless if it was clearer I'd understand it. See if the others have the same complaint though.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Structure looks good. The title intimates a story involving "mice." So does the reference to the cheese and jerky snacks. After a couple reads, seems this story is sci-fi. About a group invading a "Big House," sitting atop the courthouse.
Confused by the setup. The courthouse is dusty and neglected. Yet Zeph asks: "Why is this place in such good condition?" Perhaps he is being sarcastic.
The characters sound alike. Not sure what the injected character of Kerr contributes to overall story. Was she supposed to be a love interest for Zeph?
Little bit of action. Lots of dialogue. Just didn't get it.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Payla says, "I don't like." That's a weird sentence, and feels incomplete. Unless, of course, you mean that she actually doesn't possess the capability to love.

Zeph's dialogue, "We're one of several teams..." is really on-the-nose. Payla and Marty already know that.

Mappers and Trappers and spears, oh my! Honestly, your briefly sketched Matrix-like underground sci-fi world is rather intriguing.

"This has been included in our calculations." Oh, really? Which calculations are those? The ones that calculate a guy hanging around just to be with a girl he just met a minute ago and thus sacrificing himself from the cause? I'm being snide, forgive me. Perhaps you should tell us which calculations he means.

This feels like the prologue to a feature-length piece, not a stand-alone story. I, for one, will encourage you to write the full thing. Good luck!

Laurie Paulin (Level 2)

There's a lot a like about this - the characters are drawn well and it's easy to follow what's going on. I also think it was an imaginative use of the setting. The humanity and pathos of the group are clearly visible and one can identify strongly with the ZEPH character sacrificing himself for a stanger.

So, there is a lot that's really good, but, unfortunately, the story to me lacked a little zing.

I thought about it for a while to make sure I understood why and I think it's because there just isn't enough drama at the end. I know it's difficult to tell a complete story in 5 pages but I felt I hadn't been told everything. That is, I felt I was reading _part_ of a script and not the whole story arc. That could be a good thing as it left me wanting more. However, I wanted to feel more for the characters but found it difficult to do so. (I also need to judge the story in the context of a 5 pager.)

I think maybe you could have made more of the ZEPH character to achieve this - why would he do what he did and would the others have just stood around and let him? Maybe Payla is his sister or a secret lover and she refuses to go without him and causes a big emotional scene. Maybe some insight into what they have lost or why there are so determined to do this thing. Something to highlight the enormity of what they are doing.

I wanted to know more - how they got to this stage, what they lost, where they got to. So, if you have the interest, I think you could develop this into a really good but maybe longer story.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

The title did not mesh with the action that happened in the script. Reading the title I thought it was going to be a tale about mice in a court room. I was pleasently surprised that it had a science fiction twist to it with no mice. When I think of mice, I think of trapped. It is possible that you were intending that the characters are trapped or hunted like mice.

I really like this script. I just think it needs a new title.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm going to write comments as I do a second read through.

I don't get the title at all.

"FADE IN" should be left-justified and end in a colon... FADE IN:

How does a person jam a chair through the handles of a door?

"Closer we get to their Big House more likely we will run into Trappers, don't you worry." The wording here makes it sound like they hope to run into Trappers, but the feeling I get is that Trappers are to be avoided. Also, you're abreviating most of this sentence - which sounds natural - and then you have "we will..." which sounds stiff and unnatural.

Okay. I finally get the title, but it could be made clearer in the script.

This needs some editing. It could be really fun in a longer version, too. It's vaguely reminiscent of "Screamers."

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

They were Mice? Not sure I understood this one. The only reason I pictured them as mice was from your title. Maybe they weren't mice. Alien mice? With guns? Who was after them?

This seemed like it had potential but the whole story and the characters were too foggy. What was the "Big House", a jail? And why was there a courtroom under it? It did peak my interest but unfortunately it went over my head. :(

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really like the atmosphere and setting you've created, as well as the juxtaposition of the formal courtroom and the dystopian decay of society, as well as the mysterious 'Trappers'. Having it all be in one setting really improves on what it can be.

It's really hard to write dynamic action beats, so this is but gentle criticism, but I think some lines could be tightened to make them more immediate.

Similarly some lines of dialog were a bit on the nose, especially the last few, which seemed to betray the subtleties and grey areas of the situation you had established earlier.

Overall it was good.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

This was a well written and nicely paced script.

Although there is some mystery to the action and events, it is still easy to follow but I might have liked a little more explanation about some of the details (tin foil) and some of the elements of this world (mappers,trappers).
However, over-explaining these things might have killed some of the intrigue that you built so I think you did achieve the mood you were striving for.

The action lines are all crisp and a nice blend of movement and short snippets of dialogue make for a quick enjoyable read. Formatting is all good too.

Again, this might be what you were aiming for but my biggest complaint is that the story lacks some structure. I really didn't get a feeling of beginning, middle and end. It felt more like we walked into a random scene. I would have liked to take part in a huge moment or turning point in this mission against the aliens.

Still, I enjoyed the writing style and the way you executed your intentions.

Good work.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Not sure how the title fits with the story, I can see that it means the crushed, little race is rising but it's rather unimaginative compared to the script.

Which is wonderful. I didn't have a clue what was going on until the end with Zeph's final speech, it kept me guessing and curious all the way to the end.

While the idea is great the script does suffer from dialogue and character weaknesses.

I felt none of the characters came over as inviduals, they all speak in the same way and you give them no discerning features, introducing them only by way of guns and rags.

The dialogue throughout is very on the nose, i.e :

'It’s council’s decision. We’re one of
several hand picked teams sneaking into
the Big House.'

Necessary exposition but very stilted and unwieldy as you'd expect his colleagues to know what the they're there for and what the council has done. This is also true of the last few lines, which while filling us in with much needed and wanted information comes out very stiffly in answer to Kerr's odd question - surely it's obvious they all know what the plan is??

Other than those two weak points, which are easily fixed and will vanish with experience, this is very good indeed.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

A cool, different story for this contest, I appreciate you mixing it up. While this was a fresh story compared to all the rest, the courtroom setting was incidental at best. This story could just have easily been set in a church or hotel room.

Most of the dialogue is very expositional, especially the final lines. The characters talk about things that I would guess they should already know.

I fully understand the difficultly of writing natural dialogue, especially in a five-page script and having to be told in one location.

Your screenwriting is excellent; format appears in order; didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is well written and the story has some well worked tension. It feels a lot like the middle of a longer story. Initially it had a slightly unoriginal feel about it, but as it continued it added some variations that made it more interesting.

"We’re one of several hand picked teams sneaking into the Big House." - This is an example of a line with a slight exposition feel about it for me.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Definitely a unique story. Worlds of imagination in this one! I really enjoyed it. I think this will be a conteder for one of my favorite scripts this month.

Nice characters, and very visual writing

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I didn't really understand the story -- largely because you didn't help me understand the story. In fact, you intentionally kept it hidden until the very end, when we find out this is some kind of human vs. alien thing. So now the fun starts, but...oops, the story's over. Rats! I guess your intention was to build up suspense, but for me it just built up frustration. Who are these people? What's going on? What is the "Big House"? What are trappers? What are mappers? What's in the secret room beside the bench? I still don't know. One other minor thing, be careful of "on-the-nose" dialogue. For example, Zeph says, "It's council's decision. We're one of several hand picked teams sneaking into the Big House." Who's he talking to? Payla? Wouldn't she already know that? Actually, he's talking to us -- the readers -- feeding us information we need to know. But you have to find a better way to do that. That's the trouble with trying to create a whole new world in a five-page story -- there's a lot of 'splainin' to do and not much space to do it in. So, the story suffers. Anyway, my biggest recommendation would be, tell us your story. Don't try to hide it from us and then force it on us with some expository dialogue at the bottom of the last page. That's not very satisfying.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I don't really know what's going on here. It's more of a snippet out of a longer script than a true five pager. I mean, I'm really lost trying to figure out what the hell is going on. I guess I'm just not compatible with science fiction.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

The opening was done well. They came busting in with their weapons and gear and it seem to loose its intensity for half a page.

The characters have cool devices and clothes that fit the story. Your visuals I would like to see.

A little less dialouge and more action would make this a quicker and better read. The dialouge lead the story instead of the actions not to say that was and is a bad thing but in this case more action could've mad this much better.

Thomas W. Brown (Level 4)

I thought this was a pretty decent script. I like the way you alluded to the post-apocalyptic world laying just outside the courtroom doors (saving tin foil, the precious nature of timepieces). It added to the desperation of the characters. I personally didn't like Zeph's final speech which revealed the nature of their assignment. I think the script may have benefited from a gentle release of that information over the course of the story. It seems that both Zeph and Kerr would have already been privy to that information, making full disclosure to each other unnecessary. Overall a good read, best of luck!

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 12:15 AM

Ok, yes this is really part of an idea much larger than the 5 pages would allow, so I cheated and got busted.

But seriously the rules said the story had to be set in a courtroom, not that the courtroom had to have anything to do with it.

Thanks for all your feedback. Not sure how the feature will eventually turn out.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2009 12:18 AM

Your craft is so good, I was sure this was part of something larger and I'm glad to know I'm not going crazy. I bet that larger piece will be awesome.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 12:26 AM

I've written that larger piece from scratch twice. I'm still not happy with it. I'm starting take 3 later this year.

P.s. I probably shouldn't have wasted my last submission of the year on this one. If only I knew the next topic was going to be so awesome.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 1:22 AM

I'm with Chris M. I thought this was a prologue to a bigger world. You've got a whole month to finish it. :)

And I want to read it when you finish.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 5:57 AM

I really enjoyed this Chris, great idea - I'd be happy to read the bigger script when you're done.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2009 1:39 PM

I forgot to mention: I love the title. Don't ever consider changing it.