Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

You have an interesting interpretation of the story that works mostly but still feels disjointed. the V.O. by Cassandra unfortunately explains alot and doesn't allow for great visuals. I think the V.O. could be eliminated and just tell the story and it will work much better.

A couple of technical issues to point out. First V.O should go after the name like CASSANDRA (V.O.) If you are using script software i.e. Final Draft or MMS etc when you type a parenthesis after the name in dialogue a pop up should give the different options like (V.O),(O.S)etc.

You capped Theona's name in dialogue. Introduce her in the action paragraph first then use her name if you want in dialogue uncapped. Caps, Bold and Italics are usually not used in dialogue. Only underlining may be acceptable for emphasis and then used sparingly.

I don't see the need for Cassandra's name to not be revealed till the end. Since she isn't in the story prior to the reveal there isn't any surprise that is her name. So I would use it from the start.

I like the reimagining of the story. Im am not familiar with the original but you have done a good job making it seem current yet have some old fashioned feel to it. That aspect of your script was done fairly well. So, I think with some polishing up and re-working the dialogue some your story is going to be one of the favorites. Good luck.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced pretty well. I did feel like Theona's tale should have been told more and it seemed surprisingly cruel that the Bird family would torch the house while it was full of wedding guests. I also thought some explanation as to how or why Cassandra had the magic ability to resurrect her butchered sisters would have helped make this a stronger script. Overall I felt like this was pretty well done. The dialogue & characters worked for me and the story was pretty cool. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Good job, good story, well done, but I had a bit of a problem with the VO

For a start, possibly YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.) would be better.

I think sometimes you don't need the VO - actions would suffice - for example, in these places...
V.O. YOUNG WOMAN
Clair looked over the whole house,
from attic to cellar...

and

V.O. YOUNG WOMAN
But her curiosity was great... She
went to the forbidden door...

In fact - LOTS of the VO isn't necessary. If you looked at it again and tightened it all up, this would be excellent.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!!! AAARRRGGHHHHH Freaking crappy Voice Overs!!!! Rookie mistake #1 using freaking, damn , Voice OVERS!!!!

Ok, that being said there have been a lot of stories with Voice Overs and yes they are bad, but you have a lot of company.

Holy bizarre monkey stuff! It was working well, especially when I ignored he VO, but then you went of convenient. He had magic, but I had a magic blocking rock, etc... Other than the story problems everything else was good.

Notes:
- I really don't see where the first pages VO is even needed?
- ' A great misfortune?' People talk like that?
- She was curious, but had no desire to escape?
- Really, on top of VO being bad, you are just telling us what we are already seeing?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Wonderful imagery throughout. However, the story didn't make a lot of sense to me.

You do a great job with the tone and mood and your craft is good, but I felt lost at times in the story (especially the end), and I'm not sure it translated to a modern retelling.

Still, this was haunting and I think some of the images will stay with me for awhile.

Cindy S Duvall (Level 3)

Well..."the Feather Bird" or "Fitchers Bird" as it is originally titled is one of those odd Grimm stories that is not to be desired...

First of all, the title should be the original... it is not. This is not the first entry that I have seen to get away with this...

Secondly, I see no reason why this was presented in modern times. The dialogue did not fit the present, not did the action.

Thirdly, the use of the narrator is poorly represented here. The VO should come after the narrator in the character line. And the constant use of elipsis makes the story start and stop throughout, leaving any one who reads this feeling like they are in a car with a person that rides the brakes.

I really did not enjoy this at all... poorly written and executed.

Corley Bonk (Level 2)

The writer did a good job of adapting this tale, also know as Fitcher's Bird from the original tale. What was left out was the first sister being hidden in the basket under the gold that the wizard took to the girls' parents. Without this how do family and friends know to come rescue Cassandra? It's a bit of the plot that is missing and what keeps this story from being very good. I found the voice over a little stale. It is unfortunate the writer didn't find a way to tell the story without it.

David Birch (Level 5)

i thought the story well, you did a good job with the formatting...some of the visuals (pick up truck) conflicted with you dialog (there will be great misfortune)...i know a lot of guys who drive pick up trucks...none of them talk like that...would have preferred a more imaginative approach that would have given you characters more personality...

David R. Harding (Level 3)

The lengthy Fitcher's Bird is, I think, an entertaining tale of abduction and remedy.
This offering was retitled The Feather Bird (wasn't using the original title an entry qualififcation?) and, of course, upgraded to a 'modern' version. As so many seem to have chosen to do in this month's (May) contest.
Though the author of this entry was basically faithful to the original, it seems a bit of the 'Grimm Reality' is lost. More is made of the cool, egocentric 'heroine'.
A note on the use of the elipsis: it indicates omission, hesitation or extra signifigance in a sentence. Now, apparently, this writer has their 'narrator' pausing (?) as each bit of narrated action played out. As I imagined this in film, I found it just a bit awkward as a constant in the context of this script. But, this may move toward style and I'm not criticizing that. Or, am I?
Anyway, this is an interesting updating of this tale.

Erin Arbogast (Level 3)

This is one of my favorite story types (Mr. Fox, Bluebeard, Feather Bird, etc. etc.) and I just love that you decided to tell this from Cassandra's point of view. I think it would be good to establish that the wedding guests are accomplices of the sorcerer, otherwise it seems like she killed them at random.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

In my opinion, this story could be improved with less "voiceover" and more action. Always try to "show not tell". When using a voiceover, the "telling" is relied on too much.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I do like that certain gory details were left out. The story itself is gory enough already. I also like the addition of her adding her hair to the skull.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I felt this script never really found its footing. I didn't care foe the voiceover, it felt too mich like it was just reading me the grimm tale. I just never got invested in any of the women in the story. I think this was a very difficult choice and I thinl it just didn't quite work.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

Thought it was a good adaptation. Seems like it would make a good film. Kept me wondering what to expect. Enjoyed the ending. Well written. Felt it never had a lull, and kept the suspense going.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Well this is definitely a lolly-lee-lou kind of tale. Nothin beats having a tub full of women’s body parts stashed in your bedroom.

Is this for real? I guess it’s another bloody Grimm trip to verify the source. Gasp.

Yes you were faithful to the horror instilling skill of the original. Getting that shape shifting stuff into a five page short film script must have been a trip. I must admite I enjoyed your update version much better than that weirdly written original.

You must admit, it does seem odd that anyone, let alone a pretty young woman would want to put sticky stuff all over her head and than let white feather stick to it. Huh! I take this statement back. Based on current fashion and what’s cool, tattoos. piercings, unisex Mohawks and vivid hair colorings, it now seems so mild. Good work.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I liked this. Had a fantasy and modern feel to it. The characters were not highly exciting and the narrative seemed a bit monotonous, but it carried the story well enough. A good adaptation that rang well with the tone and course of the original. I do feel that the visuals were a bit weak in setting up the environs and the scenes. The characters are also vague and bland. It would have been good to have some sort of charaterization or trait that would have added color to the script. Overall, you wrote a ni9ce piece and it made for an entertaining read. Good Job!

Kathleen Clevenger (Level 4)

Wow! I really liked this one. Great story telling. I was a little confused by the line “He stole young girls...” I was thinking he was stealing young girls’... necklaces, or perhaps their hearts, but it took me a minute to realize that he actually was stealing the girls. It’s really a little thing, but you might consider rewording that sentence. Other than that, I can’t really think of anything to critic. It was a fun, smooth read! Thanks!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

You were definitely not certain about formatting but you seem to follow the rules of readability. Your voice overs need to be a little less on the nose cut out the part about stealing girls cause that removes the tension from the script. Some really bad grammar and unnecessary voice overs really hinder this script. You got really careless leading up to the final page rewrite this so a mere mortal like myself could decipher this.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I liked this one. The story is good and I liked the V.O. narration.
I format Voice Over's differently. See what the others say.

So you chose to leave it as a fairy tale, right? It can't be really happening, right? The effigy and the feather bird make it unrealistic for a modern horror. But I understand you chose to stick to the original...

I think it's a good job.

Kirk White (Level 5)

the problem with this script is that you haven't committed to a world. it's like you tried to modernize it but keep all the elements of the original source so it's a mish mash. I think there is so much mileage in the "serial killer" aspect of sorceror that you should have just committed to that aspect and crafted a story around it. as it stands, combining the mystical and real (and this is not a hard fast rule I'm only speaking about this specific instance) doesnt' quite gel.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

First part of this story flows along nicely. Good character definition, and intrigued by what Sorcerer going to do. Obviously, Theona is a Bird, with her red hair, so should include her last name in caps.
Writing style easy to read, but not crazy about the Young Woman/Cassandra's V.O. Believe story would have worked if written in a linear fashion instead of using voice over.
Her sisters are "bewitched" and killed, uncertain how Cassandra can be "ready" for him. And, Cassandra's the youngest at 16. Thought the story more plausible, although it's a fairy tale, if the Sorcerer took the 16 and 17 year-olds first, and the 18 year-old turned the tables on him.
So much happening at the end; ie, the sisters Sorcerer takes Cassandra as bride, honey bath, feathers, wedding, a fire etc. It felt rushed with all the stuff crammed in.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Format-wise, it's more usual to put YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.) than V.O. YOUNG WOMAN.

"We have our own magic..." Um, perhaps you need to tell what it is. It's crazy enough to have a Sorcerer who never seems to do sorcery (his actions are more like hypnosis followed by serial killing). It's even crazier to have normal fruit market girls performing their own sorcery.

I think you need a quick shot, not even a scene, of Theona dropping her white egg into the blood, as well.

The Grimms said she'd look like a bird. You say she looks like a beautiful bird. I just have a hard time believing it. If anything, she'd look like Sesame Street's Big Bird without the long yellow beak. She'd look ridiculous! How can I believe she actually looks like a bird?

The Sorcerer is never called the Feather King until page 5. We don't know that name could be an accepted moniker for him. Took me by surprise.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

Great job capturing the essence of the fairy tale without all of the gore.

Cassandra is smart and crafty. It's always good to see a young woman come in and save the day. Maybe you could add a little more of her wit and craftiness during her voice over. The voice over is good. I just couldn't figure out who her audience is. Who is Cassandra telling this horrible story to? I think that knowing who she is talking to will add some color to her voice over.

This has nothng to do with the essence of your story. It's just a technical thing. I have a screenwriting software program and it always puts voice over in parentheses after the characters name YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.). I would check to see if the formating is correct there.

The final image of everyone passing the fire along to burn down the Sorceror's home was a great image. Great job.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was okay. Told like a fairy tale instead of a story though. Especially with the use of a narrator. I think you could have told this as a story if you used visual descriptions and actual dialog instead of the narrator. Maybe like a "Kiss The Girls" kind of thing. It almost had that kind of vibe and in my opinion would have been so much better if it was done in that way.

Formatting a voice over is (V.O.) after the character's name.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

A gruesome and strange story, told again well here.

I think the story would have worked much better without voice-over, as most stories do.

You could have changed some elements of the plot to make it more suspenseful. E.g., the Sorcerer could have been a more threatening presence to fit in with his murders and mutilations.

Otherwise it was good.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

The formatting needs work. Early on some mistakes stuck out like a sore thumb. For example:

(V.O.) YOUNG WOMAN should be NARRATOR or YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)

It was a okay story and the dialouge needs work. They chicks got the guy back at the end maybe setting the souls of the slaughtered women free. Like that a lot. Overall it gets a pass.

Michael Cresta (Level 1)

This kept real well to the actual Grim fairytale, That much I liked. I think it could have had more interactive verbs and significantly better descriptions. As for the flow of the story I thought it was great considering you only had five pages to work with. The tone of the story was above average. Also, I felt that it got a bit confusing when you went from the Older lady to Cassandra. While she was storytelling you could have said somethings like "It was my turn" or "he approached me next". Overall it was a good script.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Bluebeard was one of my favourite tales as a child even though it scared me and this has similar lines. I don't know the Grimm tale and loved the girl turning herself into the white feathered creature at the end.

You tell the tale well through the use of VO, I particulaly liked the line 'but I was prepared'.

A visual feast. well done.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I think you've done a solid job of getting this story across. Perhaps it is a lot of story to fit into five pages so that forces some of the decisions you have made and makes it difficult to develop real tension around what happens.

For me the use of voice over narration for this story doesn't work well. Much of it is unnecessary and the story would be more immediate if you found a way to tell it visually without having it read out.

"WEDDING GUEST" - Should probably have an introduction in the action text.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I had a hard time finding the Grimm tale online, as you have a different title. I'm not sure if you'll end up being dq'd. Hope not.

I thought the story was good. However, in the adaptation it seems you just took the original story and basically rewrote it in your own words. I would have liked a little more originality in the adaptation.

I'm thinking that the Grimm brothers were a little twisted. LOL. Some of the tales I've read are just weird.

Good job.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a faithful adaptation of the original Grimm story, with a few updates. So, good job with that. But, in my opinion, a faithful adaptation is not necessarily a good thing. I'm not a big fan of the Grimm's fairy tales -- I think they were written for children of a bygone era, and frankly I find them kinda dull. So, they need quite a bit of work to make them interesting to a modern audience. Changing the time period to the present and having the sorcerer drive a truck is just not enough. You really have to identify your target audience and keep them in mind when you're adapting something like this. Things just happen in Grimm's fairy tales, seemingly with no rhyme or reason -- in this case, he kidnaps girls, brings them to his house, "keeps" them for a few days, then leaves...and he gives them the key to the room he doesn't want them to enter. Wha? I know, I know, it's for kids. But then, why change the story so it has all the bloody body parts? That's surely not for kids. And why did she make herself look like a bird? And after she revived the sisters, why didn't they just walk away? I know it's just a fairy tale, but that's what I mean -- you can take some liberties when you're telling bedtime stories to children in the early nineteenth century, but today's audiences will want a more solid story. (Or maybe it's just me.)

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

"SORCERER drives his battered truck too fast down a dirt road."

Maybe instead of saying "too fast" you could have put that a truck zips down a dirt road kicking up clouds of dust, this will show us that he's going fast.

Apparently you did just what I suggested above on the next line:

"A cloud of dust billows behind the pickup as it drives away"

Why not the first time?

"The house is lavishly furnished" - what does that mean exactly. Detail!

I believe "V.O. YOUNG WOMAN" should be YOUNG WOMAN (V.O.)


I see where you were going with the horror story, but I think you should've held onto some BEATS for a while. There wasn't much suspense and the whole thing was without any pacing; it just kinda pushed through to the next scene as though it was a montage.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

It was a entertaining and well described story. Didn't care much for the ending but it was entertaining to say the least.

The dialouge was well done and the sorcerer character was interesting. He reminded me of a Disney villian in some ways. Overall a good read. Keep up the writing.

Sibilla Carini (Level 2)

I like the choice of story, but it isn't very different from the original Grim tale. The one obvious difference is the narration, which I like. I think it is a very good way to tell a fairy tale. I find it interesting that you chose to set this story in a modern time period (indicated by the presence of the truck), while at the same time keeping the "magical" aspect of this story. It seems strange, but I can imagine many ways in which it would work out. I wouldn't call this a final draft, but then again no script really is.
Overall, this script is well written and captured my attention.

Todd Banks (Level 1)

This is one of my favorite Grimm tales. I'm not too sure you pulled it off as well as you could have. There are way too many formatting errors, i.e. use of CONT'D, your VO wasn't formatted properly. Now, don't get discouraged with my review here, I can tell you have a knack for adapting others works, and this could work well for you. Polish it up a bit and change a few plot problems and it'll be golden.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

It seemed weird for a mysterious Sorcerer to have a jug o' bleach sitting in his house. The part where the girl basically tar and feathered herself felt distracting. You say she looks like a beautiful bird, but I just can't quite visualize a grown woman, covered in honey and feathers, looking beautiful.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 12:34 AM

I have to say that I love the story, but not my script. When I was first writing this I found myself on page five and barely past the opening. I decided I needed to change my approach. Hence the overdose of VO and the lack of action written out visually. Bad choice...

I did plan on some VO. I think that it works well to enhance the fairy tale aspect.

I used the modern setting with some of the original dialogue on purpose. It's supposed to feel odd. This is an odd story.

I should have used a lot more description for the "white bird." I have no problem visualizing her. That's probably why I didn't go into the detail you obviously needed, Travis. Sorry. The whole thing needs more detail and action.

This is a bizarre little story and I really am intrigued by it. I visualize it with Tim Burton in mind to direct. ;D

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 7/1/2009 1:09 AM

Sorry that you were the brunt of my anti-VO rhetoric, but this was like the tenth script in a row that leaned on VO.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/2/2009 9:45 AM

Chris - I have no problem with your review. Your frustration came through loud and clear and without malice of any kind. :)

The only person I'm upset with is myself. I knew I was having a problem getting all of the story I wanted in, but I held onto it anyway. It needs to be a lot longer than five pages.

When I was reviewing I was feeling the same frustration with VOs that you were. It was a lazy way for me to tell the story. I'm trying to find the time to do a rewrite. If I get it done, I'll post it. WARNING!!! It's still going to have some VO... ;P