Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I think you have a good beginning here. The dialogue between Jim and Megan was good and showed good tension there. I also liked the interaction between Sara and Jim it might have seemed at first far fetched with the red pepper but you worked it out.

There are some technical issues regarding formatting. In the slug there should only be one dash between elements. Also I would also refrain from stating physical details of characters (clothing, weight and other features)unless it directly impacts the character regarding the story. Otherwise those details will be figured out by the director and the costume designer etc.

When you are giving a quick description of character you used dashed for one description like Megan at the beginning. But then used colons for Matt and Katie and for Rich. How you want to state those is more up to you ( though some people here might harp on that style) but which ever option you choose just do that consistantly throughout the whole piece.

Also the line...'A PARTY OF FIVE sits at a large table in another section of
the restaurant.' is stated but then you state the characters seems redundant. I would just cut that first and state the characters sitting at the table together at the restaurant.

You ended the ten pages right where I was hoping you would that Jim and Megan are breaking up we know there is a possible connection with a new girl Sara and we have the grouop of friends that they will relate to during this. I think with some more polish this is very good beginning and am interested in seeing more.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced decently. The characters weren't really given a proper introduction. On the Bob Sans slugline, I definitely think you should put Bob Sans Restaurant. I re-read that three or four times with no idea what it was supposed to mean. The dialogue is a bit repetitive and expository. If this is a comedy, which I certainly get the impression it is, then I think the humor needs to come quicker. This will enhance the flow and tone of the script. I think this has the foundation of an entertaining script, but it could use a little bit of polish.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

Based on the logline, the concept has a lot of potential, but these first ten pages don't quite live up to this. Perhaps that's because the most interesting and potentially funny part of the story, where Jim tries to get Megan back using fake horoscopes, doesn't start until later on.

For a romantic comedy, there's not enough humour, although the red pepper conversation is amusing.

Also, Jim and Sara's red pepper conversation shows the chemistry between these two characters, who will presumably fall in love later in the script.

Although Jim is right to be skeptical of horoscopes, his overall cynicism makes him a less likeable character.

The ending of these first ten pages, with Megan echoing Ben's earlier line, which clearly indicates that she's going to break up with Jim, setting the story into motion, is reasonably good.

There are several spelling and grammatical errors.

For example, the writer needs to be consistent with the name of the Japanese restaurant. In sluglines it's called "BOB SANS", and in dialogue it's called "Bob San's". It would make more sense for it to have an apostrophe, but it definitely needs to be the same throughout the script.

On page 3, "Why don't you get the Cobb salad." should be "Why don't you get the Cobb salad?"

On page 3, "I haven't red meat in four months." should be something like "I haven't had red meat in four months." or "I haven't eaten red meat in four months."

On page 4, "There are couples having much worst conversations" should be "There are couples having much worse conversations".

On page 5, "Ben smiles bitter-sweetly" should be "Ben smiles bittersweetly".

On page 5, "The only thing I regret is saying that 'I love you.'" could perhaps do without the word "that".

On page 5, "Jim and Megan are joined by MATT and KATIE: An All-American couple and RICH: a shabby-haired and soft-waisted gent" should be "Jim and Megan are joined by MATT and Katie, an All-American couple, and RICH, a shabby-haired and soft-waisted gent".

On page 7, "because Jupiter is 900 trillion miles from Mars instead of 300 trillion miles from Mars" could do without the second "from Mars".

On page 7, "There are certain times when people are more apt to find a partner" should be "There are certain times when people are more likely to find a partner".

On page 7, "the conversation come to an abrupt halt" should be "the conversation comes to an abrupt halt".

On page 7, "a sidewalk lined with closed shops and opened eateries" should probably be "a sidewalk lined with closed shops and open eateries".

On page 7, "Jim speaks with the duplicate conviction he had at dinner" should be "Jim speaks with the same conviction he had at dinner".

On page 8, "every guy who counts The Wedding Crashers and the best comedy ever" should be "every guy who counts The Wedding Crashers as the best comedy ever".

On page 8, "You'll have new boyfriend next week" should be "You'll have a new boyfriend next week".

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Still a good title!

Logline confusing - don't know what I said about it before - but when I read 'using her subsequent horoscopes to manipulate her into believing that they are "meant to be."' - I thought you meant the HOROSCOPES were meant to be until I'd read it a few times.

Genre - rom com?

I'm afraid that what I found in the first ten pages was that I felt as though the ending was already revealed (that Jim would end up with Sara)

The settings - KITCHEN, GRILLE, JAPANESE RESTAURANT, COFFEE SHOP...I would have liked a bit more variety...

The business about horoscopes seems to be revealed mostly in exposition = characters telling each other about it.

The characters - I could hardly tell one from another, I;m afraid - except that some were male and some were female. They didn't appear to have individual voices and the dialogue and the pace was sometimes plodding.

I really liked the IDEA of a woman driven by horoscopes and a man manipulating horoscopes to win her back - a WONDERFUL idea with great potential - but not realised in what I've read here, sadly.

Here are a few technical points:

Unusual not to have a FADE IN: - kind of starts things off for me.

EXT. APARTMENT -- BACK PORCH -- MORNING
Jim exits the back door of the apartment - don't need to tell us it's the apartment twice.

"I haven't red meat in four months." ? word missing here? (quite a few mistakes throughout - important to get your work proof-read before submitting.

"much worst" - much worse?

'more a Maxim guy than a GQ man' - hmmmm - I remember this description from another script. Didn't understand it then and still don't now!

"Jim speaks with the duplicate conviction he had at dinner -- much to Megan's chagrin" "Sara is now getting slightly annoyed at all the questions and responds tersely" - phrases like this are more telling than showing...

"His incessant arguing drives Megan to light a cigarette." - again, all you need here is 'Megan lights a cigarette' - although I'm not sure if this would be her response.

The Wedding Crashers and the best comedy ever - as the best comedy ever?

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ok, Rom Coms aren't my thing, because the format structure is so well known to the point of being boring. You really have to bring something unique to the table. You do have the format down so far and the dialog is witty and natural. I'm just not sure I wan't to go on this ride. The good thing is, if you make it, at least I won't have to read something that is poorly written. Good Job!

Notes:
- Why no fade in?
- single dashes in scene headings
- use proper punctuation
- pg3 'she hasn't what for four months'
- spell out numbers in dialog

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great title.

This is very nice, it's very cute, and it's very sweet, but it never really rises about that. I realize this is a a horrible note to give, but it needs to be funnier. This made me smile, but it never made me laugh out loud. The dialogue needs to be wittier. The situations bigger. This feels more like a sitcom than a movie.

Still, the logline is great and I think there is a ton of potential here. The trick is to find unique angles to approach these scenes from. What makes this movie stand out from the crowd? Why do we care deeply about Jim? Why do we care if he loses Megan?

I hope that helps.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was just okay for me... It reminded me a lot of "Friends", sort of.

The one main thing that really stuck out for me was that there wasn't anything that hooked me into your story. It just seemed like several people in and out or restauraunts simply talking. I couldn't identify with any inciting incident that gave purpose to your story. If I missed it, then I apologize.

I did notice a few formatting issues, nothing serious, but nonetheless, still there. When the story opens up and MEGAN is sitting at the table reading from the paper, why is her dialogue in quotes? This is done a few times in your script.

One thing that I picked up on is you have a lot of direction for your actors. Especially parentheticals. If I find myself doing this, I know something is not 100%, and I go back and tweak my action/description lines. The writing should be tight enough that the actors/readers should be able to pick up on these emotions without explination from the writer.

I read this script aloud and realized that most of your characters sound alike. There are no unique qualities about them with regareds to speech. In the real world, everyone speaks a bit differently, and so should our characters.

Overall, still a good job, but something more is needed to pull your audience into the story from the start.

David Birch (Level 5)

nice snappy dialog...formatted to a "tee"...liked the characters...story was interesting enough (even though i wouldn't classify it as my top genre)...so high marks all around...thanks for an interesting easy read...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

A good idea with many possible avenues for romantic encounters. Couldn't help feel as if the restaurant setting was a little too cliched for your Rom Com, but then that is the nature of the beast I guess. Thought the scene with Jim at work was too short- consider using it to paint a more thorough picture of his character via dialogue between him and his work colleagues.
Some of your descriptions were needlessly uninteligable; I had trouble picturing an 'All-American couple', or deciphering the 'GQ/Maxim' analogy.
'Wedding Crashers and the best movie ever'= as

Dusty Fincher (Level 3)

Okay, a few things to start off. The characters seem pretty well defined and have their own personality, so that's good. It seems to work pretty well as a story for it's intended audience. I have to confess, I'm probably not part of that audience, but that doesn't mean I can't watch a movie like this (I am married, after all). I'll give you this, you seem to be basing your comedy on relationships and characters, so I give you props for that.

A bit of a negative:

Looks like you forgot to put the "had" in the following line.
"MEGAN
I haven't red meat in four months."

Another line with a word missing.
"MEGAN
That's a rather cynical outlook.
Don't you think people should be
together because they make each happy,"

There's also a time or two that I found a word that was supposed to be another word (I do that kind of thing all the time), so you definitely wanna go back and give it a good proof read.

Some positives:

Really liked this character description. I can picture this guy.
"more a Maxim guy than a GQ man."

Also, I liked a lot of your dialogue.

All in all, I think this'll end up an entertaining script, but it does need to be polished a bit with the missing words and such. Good luck.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are a few things I jotted down as I read through your script:

*
There’s something about how you jumped in to this script that doesn’t sit right with me, and I almost feel bad bringing it up because I can’t quite put my finger on it. It just doesn’t have the feel of a FIRST scene…it just kind of jumps in and goes and feels more like a skit than a feature…I don’t know. Worst note ever, right? I’ll try to come back to this because I feel like it’s significant, but I’m having a hard time putting words to it.
*
Little typos:
Page 3: “I haven’t HAD red meat in days?”
Page 4: “…couples having much WORSE conversations right now…”
Page 6: “together because they make each OTHER happy…”
Page 8: “…counts WEDDING CRASHERS AS the best…”
Page 8: “…you’ll have A new boyfriend…”
*
I like the chit chat vibe of the group scene in the restaurant. Very indy movie casual conversation thing. Nice.
*
“Spicy.” for the crying cover. Nice. Very funny. That whole exchange with Jim is really great.
*

Boy you have a real talent with dialogue. A real real talent. The problem is, in these ten pages, I didn’t really see you hit your stride until about page 5 or so. Those first couple pages just seem forced to me somehow.

I think maybe I’d like to meet the characters a little more before getting hit with the horoscope thing. I just want it to come up a little more organically I guess…look at the exchange between Jim and Sara around page 9ish, it’s just so effortless and their characters kind of sprout up and grow as their words come out. Which brings me to this, and it’s a doozy:

I just don’t like Jim. Other than showing concern for Sara’s tears, he didn’t do anything in those pages that endeared him to me. I didn’t really see any true vulnerability, angst, or oppression that made me want to cheer for him. That’s a big deal! If this is going to be the guy that’s chasing the girl then we need to WANT him to win, right? We HAVE to like him.

And I have to say that (as you’ve probably already noted) his scene with Sara is the best by far out of all these pages and…really…his character in that scene is WAY more caring, understanding, compassionate, and perceptive than he’s been in any prior scene. There’s a disconnect there that needs to be addressed.

Don’t get down at all. You have talent and a great idea, two things that many many people trying to do this screenwriting thing are still trying to nail down. All that’s left is a lot of hard work.

Rock on.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

This has a lot of potential at being a really funny movie. Hope you get to proceed.

IMO, the following paragraph is too long. I strive to keep mine at three, no longer than four lines. Consider breaking the following into two or three shorter ones. "Jim waits outside a news studio with its set placed in front of a large window looking out on downtown Chicago. Jim looks into the window to see A STRIKINGLY HANDSOME MAN with chiseled features and dark, perfect hair sit at the anchor desk. He turns and flashes a smile at a group of GATHERED WOMEN who shriek in delight in response."

Page 3: "I haven't red meat in four months." This you mean "I haven't EATEN red meat in four months."

Page 5: The sentence starting with A PARTY OF FIVE... how old are MATT, KATIE, and RICH? 20 or 80? Can't tell how this is written.

Page 7: "You can't tell me that because Jupiter is 900 trillion miles... I would write out the number completely. nine-hundred trillion miles. Unless a number is a date, numbers in dialogue should be written out.

Page 8: "You'll have new boyfriend next week." Think you mean: "You'll have A new boyfriend next week."

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Very well written and I would like to read on and see how the story unfolds. Pacing is good, characters are appealing, dialogue flows. A few suggestions:
1. Give Megan's age when you introduce her.
2. It would be more memorable if you could give one or two unique traits to your characters when you introduce them. I would like to know more about Megan and Jim than that they're professionals. You introduce Frank as a "pudgy, middle-aged white male." Pudgy is fine, better to give an age than to say middle-aged, we know he's a male, and what do you gain by saying he's white?
3. Better to show than to tell. For example, when you said, "His incessant argument drives Megan to light a cigarette," you could have just said: "Megan lights a cigarette." Likewise in the sentence: "Sara is now getting slightly annoyed at all the questions and responds tersely." Let her throw him a look and toss a terse line at him.
4. On p.8, why did you say her stay there is short? I expected her to leave but she stays.
5. There are lots of little typos, so check for those.
All in all, very nice work, seems like the start of an entertaining story, and I'm hooked.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

It did not hold my attention. A lot of the dialogue seemed mundane and unnecessary.
The first scene was pretty good though. You never actually said that she was reading a horoscope. You let the audience figure that out for themselves.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

The beginning is great. The bicycle ride sets up Jim and Megan's relationship beautifully. She's not right for him, but he doesn't see that yet, so the audience is ahead of him. He's prone to trying too hard to please her, which shows vulnerability. He's also going against his true nature in being with her, so we anticipate the character arc. All that combines to allow the reader to sympathize with him right away.

The last two pages are also good. I like the bit about the red pepper. The final line completes what's gone before, and at the same time sets up the rest of the story.

Two suggestions:

First, Sara's introduction seems slighted. She gets quickly dumped and quickly leaves, and then you introduce three new characters, which overshadows her. (I'm assuming that, since she's going to be the love interest, she's more important to the story than either Matt, Katie, or Rich.) I wanted to see more of her when we first meet her.

Second, you don't need to telegraph so much. Lines such as, "He makes a sarcastic comment" are unnecessary. Just have him say the line. His personality comes through clearly enough.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Oh, my Gawd. Soap stuff all bubbly delicious. Saccharine sweetness springs to the tip of my tongue. This story is going to test all of my unreasonable foibles. I shall give it the all the thought it deserves and return soon with something this writer might be able to use.

In the middle of page four there is a scene noted: INT. BOB SANS – NIGHT, is this a place or what – oh it’s a Japanese Restaurant revealing another couple having a misunderstanding about the meaning of life/love. It’s a never ending dual monolog played out since the beginning of time, in stories songs, books and movies.

The battle of the sexes, I’m certainly curious how you are going to creatively handle this hackneyed concept and shock the hell out of me, or at least make me care.

Oh, ho towards the end of page five you caught me in another something I have to ponder or look up. This newly introduced character named RICH: a shabby-haired and soft-waisted gent –- “more like a Maxim guy that a GQ man.” I’m guessing that CQ refers to a male orientated slick magazine but I don’t know anything about Maxim. So I guess this guy is a bit of a satirical slob or he’s effeminate or something or both.

By now reading your script think I’m swimming in a slice of life silky seamless small talk when actually I’m drowning. You’re a real professional your structure and your clichés conversations are smooth and uncontroversial, you’re safe no poetic risks here, just damn silky writing. Top marks for you title and delivery, low marks for creativity and ideas as the world turns.

This will no doubt make a viable saleable film and after all making movies are is an industry.

You have put together a good commercial product.

Congratulations. Good and slick.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Good. The main idea of the film is presented well enough in these ten pages. However, I cannot help but feel that almost half the stuff that I read is a rehash of scenes previously presented in previous Rom-Coms before this one. The dialogue is great and it is what kept me reading the whole ten pages, but the circumstances and the things going on are the way so many typical Rom-Coms have begun. I would have liked to see a new direction and a fresh start to this piece. The Characters are already going through the motions of setting themselves up for the love fiasco that will ensue in a manner that is not only predictable, but also cliched.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Like the premise already, lets see if you can write the script. You have alot of safe jokes here and alot of it has been done before there may not be enough panache here to make me want to read another 10.
Be inventive don't run away from being original some won't get it but it will have the distinction of being yours start us out laughing in the beginning or a sweet montage to start us off. Trust me it will energize any reader. Its a by the numbers script and while i like the idea I'm not sold on your execution.
Give your characters some personality for goodness sake. It wouldn't kill ya. People love stereotypes once they are executed well. Give me some the black man that is loud and obnoxious but maybe with a twist possibly a soft side that shows up at the end is always comedic gold. think of things that make you roll on the floor laughing not the seinfeld stuff ( you always get the cobb salad) Lord I cringed when I heard that. No one line one line its not a telegraph service.
try this conflict to spice it up.
guy
Cobb salad you must have crutons in your veins
one day you'll have a coronary attack caused by arteries clogged with crutons.

That could be 3 lines. Your descriptions are quick but are all predictable. I can forgive that because its supposed to be comedy. Formatting is ok.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

I missed the visuals overall. BLT sandwich was a good one. By the way, I would expect her to like her new sandwich so that her point is justified. Maybe, later she could follow her habits on something and get into a mess. Such as choose familiar route and fall (on a whim suggestion, you need to think of something better than my suggestion) My point is visuals is what makes a movie good (ok, I'm sharing shreds of my brilliancy here:)))

Sara's crying is another good visual.

I did not like all of them together in the restaurant. That scene is pretty much dialog driven. I also don't know why they jumped to conclusions so fast. You did not show that the group in a restaurant see her handing the ring back to her fiance. If they did that would help.

page 3 - MOMENTS LATER would be enough as opposed to the full heading.

You had typos here and there... I'm hoping someone else points out what and where.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I gotta say this was the script I was most looking forward to because yours was hands down my favorite logline. I think this story has tremendous potential...so much that I just wanna get rich so I can option from you and direct the puppy. having said that, I was a weeeeeee disappointed with the first ten pages. I think you still have a solid kernel of a story here but the script is a mish mash and not coherant. I don't want to come off as arrogant, but it looks like you read some screenplay book or column that said "hey make sure you introduce all the main characters in th first ten pages" becuase you just jam pack this sucker with lots of people and the story suffers for it. I'm also not 100% clear on Jim's character and THAT (in my opinion) is what you need to establish first! from an initial read, he's kinda a dick to Megan...which is good because she dumps him (I'm assuming from the premise) and his journey to win her back could make him realize that he didn't appreciate her. BUT then he's nice to Sara who is set up (if I know my Rom Coms) to be the one in the end that he really ends up with...if that's the case then the journey can't be that he's a dick redeemed...he has to get dumped soley because Meagan is not the one for him...Sara is. right now it doesn't gel well. I don't get the sense that you know where the story is going from reading these pages. and I really want to because I really want this story to be great. So you can sell it to me and we can shoot it!!!

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good job with characters. Would like Megan to dump Jim in the first ten. What a pain!
Snappy dialogue in the Grille. Similar characters kept straight by good descriptions and individualism in dialogue.
Might provide some clarification to separate "She shivers," when Megan admits to dating a guy named Reuben, from Jim being exasperated. Kept reading for some sign that she was, perhaps, cold. Rereading, line was good for a chuckle.
Uncertain about the flip-flop of Jim's personality when he encounters Sara. He comes across as nice, asking a strange woman if she's ok, and then questioning whether she's been crying. Thought he might be trying to pick her up.
Then he suggests to Megan that they watch a movie; it doesn't fit the previous nine pages of Jim being a pain.
Cute story, with a catchy title and potential.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

It's odd, but my first thought upon seeing your logline again was: "Wouldn't this be better suited as a short? How can this simple story be spun out into a feature length?" I guess I'm about to get my answer. Opening the script... :)

The sluglines don't need a double dash, they only need one. - instead of --

"Look, it's not like we have cosmic forces conspiring to unite Luke Borque and the Chicago Herald in an exclusive interview." This line felt on-the-nose, too forced by the logline. No one would actually say it. Jim should get the same idea across with a quicker, pithier, less obvious way.

The script is littered with small grammar, punctuation, and spelling errors. Definitely make sure that you have a brutally honest English Major check through your work before you submit it to contests. Examples: periods instead of question marks, "worst" for "worse", etc.

The humor in this script is very understated, and I like it a lot. It's dragged down by easily correctable errors, though, and the whole thing's too chatty for my liking (the first ten pages should contain more action than long conversations in restaurants can provide: there's plenty of room later for the love debates, so use the first ten pages to show all the ways in which Melinda's reliance on horoscopes is actually detrimental to her relationships).

Rating: Good

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Your opening scene heading could be shortened. If you're going to use "Jim's..." whatever, you want to do each room setting that way... by the room, not the apartment... As in "Jim's kitchen" or "Jim's porch."

In the scene heading "INT. BOB SANS..." I don't know what that means. Get the word "restaurant" in there for the uninitiated. If you used this specific restaurant to denote a type, it's not working for me. It won't work for anyone unfamiliar with it. Use something like "UPSCALE RESTAURANT" instead. If that particular restaurant plays a specific role in the story, then give us the full name in the heading.

In the first scene, it sounds like they're sitting at the table together. Then you have him with his back to her. Confusing. Put a comma between "good" and "too" in the opening dialogue. You describe Megan as looking professional - what does that mean here? In the porch scene a little later she's dressed for biking.

I really don't like all of the eye rolling going on. If you're using this as part of Jim's beginning character - emotional immaturity - keep it, but make sure you emphasize the fact that he stops doing it when he goes through his character arc.

You rely heavily on dialogue and facial expression to tell your story. Get some more action into this. Nothing grabs me until the dialogue between Jim and Sara. I finally feel something for Jim as he's walking out the door. You need to make your audience care about what happens to your characters. I'm finding it difficult.

Your formatting is good. You left out a few words here and there. You need to strengthen your characters up and polish the dialogue. You need some action to take place.

Fairly good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Although romance movies may not be my favorite, this movie looks good.

The double dashes are unnecessary.

I thought the premise as outlined in the logline was a bit weak, but I like how you've expanded it by adding all the minor characters in. Their conversation at Bob Sans touched on the theme just right.

The relationships also feel very real. I could tell right away the lack of chemistry between Jim and Megan was irreparable in their relationship, and the immediate chemistry between Jim and Sara meant that they had to get together. It will be fun seeing these characters interact across an entire movie.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

This is a good concept. I'll admit I'm not a fan of romantic comedies but I found myself liking this. It's a strong set-up with good characters, believable dialogue, and I can see where the movie is going - in a good way.

My only quibble is I'd hope for a few more laughs in the first ten of a movie like this. The comedy feels quite light so far and I think you could improve this with a couple of gags. Rich seems like he has potential to play the clown, you could try making him a bit whacky or irreverant to inject a few more laughs.

Good job overall, I enjoyed it.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

I connected with this on some levels. I would've changed a few things but I see where the writers coming from. Jim is ashamed of his realtionship and is slowly losing affection towards her. Thats some of what I pulled from the script. The wit is there the humor is in there somewhere. The story was done well. The technicals are okay. Not overly descriptive. Just enough. I would like to see what you else you have to offer.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Well told. Solid story. Great start. I like the "conclusion," even though I know it's really a launch, and the whole Coffee Pot scene. Fabulous phrase: "lunch napkins that quickly disintegrate into confetti."

Typos and missing or incorrect words throughout: re-read carefully, maybe even backwards, and/or give to someone else.

I would let the awkwardness at the restaurant just hang. I wouldn't have Rich interject to save it because it won't work. Also, this amount of tension is good from the audience's point of view. They see the conflict coming.

I'm looking forward to reading the rest.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

There are a few spelling and grammatical errors that detract from an overall good start. Also, there are a few things in the story that confuse the development. For example, MEGAN says she doesn't eat red meat (at least hasn't had it in four months) than JIM continues to make food item suggestions that contain meat and she ultimately orders a BLT, which I am pretty sure the B stands for bacon, not necessarily a red meat, but it's definitely pinkish.

Another element that doesn't play well, in my opinion, is that Jim is very sweet to SARA, which would be a very nice set-up for a budding romance if he weren't portrayed as a jerk to Megan.

The dialogue flows smoothly and naturally. Overall, this is a very nice start.

Best regards.

Michael Heeney (Level 2)

The premise sounds hilarious, but precious little of it occurs in the first ten pages. We don't even learn what anyone's sign is, and we get a lot of tedious dialogue involving characters who are clearly going to break up argue about food. Megan talks a lot about astrology, and other characters criticize her for having silly beliefs, but because the script doesn't provide specific examples of her beliefs, and why she believes them, they just feel like a plot device, instead of a real person's thoughts. What kind of person who actually makes decisions based on astrology would say "I guess I'm just an idiot" as justification? There's too much conversation, and too little action. It would help if Jim did something, instead of saying something, which showed him to be cynical and willing to later manipulate Megan.

From the set-up here, it appears Jim is going to try and win back Megan, but eventually realize Sara is a better match for him, because they're both stable realists who have been dumped by people who constantly crave "newness" and adventure. This is sort of the inverse of a standard rom com plot, and it could be funny, but the scenes themselves need work.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

(Title/Logline comments are just observations. No effect on the scoring.)

TITLE: Fits the theme but sounds sort of generic.
LOGLINE: Sounds fun. Could lose the "but fate may have different plans."

STORY:
You are definitely on the way to delivering on the premise. Unfortunately, a lot of this script didn't work for me. I think much of the problem came from a barrage of typos and oddly worded narrative that kept stifling my flow as a reader.
It seemed strange that Jim didn't speak during the opening scene. Everything was reaction shots until he got to work. I believe Megan's reading of the horoscope was presented strangely as well. I think she should have said, "Madame Jackie says 'You tend to play it safe...". I think this would be effective because later on Jim mentions Madame Jackie and it comes out of nowhere.
The line "Jim's acerbic answer brings a smile to Frank's face" could be cut completely. I sort of breaks the flow of conversation and takes away from Frank's clever response.
Outside of the CBS2 building, it says 'Megan exits'. I assume you mean she exits the building but it sounded awkward considering we didn't know she was even there.
These few lines might need attention "I haven't red meat","I at least have to thank...","party odd even".
I really didn't get RICH as being soft waisted-more Maxim than GQ. I also didn't understand his line "Six or more, half dozen of other."

A few other issues:
I know the horoscope angle is a major plot point but I felt beat over the head with it. I don't think every conversation needs to revolve around that specific topic in order to get your point across. I was also distraught by Jim and Megan's relationship. According to the logline, the story is about their break-up and his attempt to get her back but I question whether I want to see that. Jim just seems so unhappy that I don't know why I would want him to rekindle this relationship. I think he and Megan should have some happy moments to give us insight to why they should be together.

I apologize if I seem to negative about everything. There were things about the script that I enjoyed. I think exploring these relationships, along with the horoscope idea makes for a fun journey. I liked Megan's line about '...make each other happy, not keep each other from being unhappy?" and I really dug the Jim/Sara exchange. The pepper banter was very funny and Jim's "That pepper that made you cry..." comment was really a clever highlight of your creative skill.

I just found all those little problems to really disrupt my reading experience.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Overall: I wasn't a fan of your logline and a romantic comedy has to be a cut above for me to tune in so I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed this.

Characters: Jim - there's nothing really likeable about him and he's kind of bland - I also wonder why you describe him as white when you don't use a colour for anyone else.

Megan: pretty iinsipid - why would Jim want to win her back?

RICH: a shabby-haired and softwaisted gent -- more a Maxim guy than a GQ man. - wonderful description, this guy stands out the most for me, if Jim was more like this I'd warm to him and be much more interested in his affairs of the heart.

Sarah: another fairly normal character, rather Bridget Jones in her actions and disastrous love life.

Dialogue: This is what lifts your script up. Your dialogue is excellent, humorous, natural, clever and zippy. I love the 'odd' line about Rich and Jim's line about the red pepper being a fool - really great. And you get your exposition out very well without being on the nose.

Story: doesn't really appeal to me, perhaps because I'm knowledgeable about and keenly interested in Astrology and know that daily ones are incredibly general and that you need to know about your moon sign and ascendent to begin to have a clue blah blah blah

I also sense that Sarah is going to get with Jim and Rich with Megan...?

I wouldn't put this in my top 10 entries this month but I'm sure it will have a lot of fans.

You have a few typos scattered throughout:

they make each happy

The Wedding Crashers and the best comedy ever

I haven't red meat in four months.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You've presented us with a group of characters with unique voices; I can remember each character and get a basic idea of who they are and where they're coming from. reading the opening sequence wasn't laugh-out-loud for me, but I can see how, in the hands of a good director and with the right background music, it would really elicit some great laughs.

You have couple of problems with these first ten, and ultimately, these are problem that would make me pass on continuing to read.

The first is genre-related; I think you're writing a pure comedy (from the logline) but not much here is really funny. The first situation Jim finds himself in is funny, but after that, there aren't any real laugh lines, or laughable situations. Jim has the opportunity to hit Megan with a couple of zingers at lunch, but "I'd like to eat sometime this millennium" is snide, not funny.

The second problem is Jim's introduction versus Jim's character as it develops. I got really confused by Jim's attitude for several pages, because there's a kind of contradiction: is he a pushover, or is he a no-nonsense cynic? If I had started reading on page 2, I would have gotten the idea that Jim holds his own in the relationship with Megan, and that he is getting openly exasperated with her. But why would that person (from the lunch and bar scenes) be so easily convinced to bike to work? The bike gag sets up for us that Megan is in charge, which would understandably lead to conflict when her horoscope eventually leads her to dump Jim. He's meek. That's your set-up for Jim, that's how we meet him. But nothing that happens afterwards corroborates that notion. Either cut the opening gag, or change the character of Jim.

I'd suggest the second, because that's my other huge problem: I like Megan much better than I like Jim. I'm an anti-horoscope skeptic myself, but here's the truth: Megan is positive, happy, without a hint of snark. The changes she makes based on her horoscope are not life-altering: she bikes to work and takes a minute longer to order her lunch. In other words, the horoscope thing is a quirk, not a problem. Jim, on the other hand, is sour grapes. I understand the bike thing, but lunch? He can't wait for his girlfriend to order? She obviously capitulated on the location. He's pissed about a BLT? I mean, come on, Jim. The worst problem is this: it's obvious why Megan will dump him - he's a jerk. Even if you bring out the horoscope as the main motivation, no one would feel sorry for him.

If, however, Jim were the guy you introed from the bike scene, a guy who goes along to get along, who just wants Megan to be happy, and THEN she dumps him because of a horoscope, then you've got a movie.

Anyway, I hope these comments are helpful, and good luck in the competition.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Breezy and conventional but engaging as well. I think it's worth writing things that get made into mainstream movies. I like the fact that the characters are easily presented and recognizable. We all know people like this. The Jim/Megan intro works well and sets up nicely the plot laid out by the logline. The transition to Bob Sans was a little awkward. We have to pick up completely new characters mid-stream and I honestly had trouble with character identification. One thing that may help is to get away from mono-syllabic first names like: Matt, Rich, Ben, Jim etc. Use some diversity with traditional names, if nothing else to set them apart. The set up to Melinda and Sara's coffee spot was nicely laid out. There were a few typos and ommissions of words in dialogue -- easily corrected if you continue. I'm early in my reviews right now, so I plan to circle back and give my final grade after I've read all of the others but I can tell you that you've got the genre down and the script has some possibilities. I like that the opening doesn't try to tell the whole story of the logline. We're given enough to make us want to pull for the characters to get through their problems. Thanks for sharing this. I am ranking each script personally to arrive at my top own Top 10. Your ranking is: Not in my Top Ten.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I like the title, and the logline is interesting. I could see this as having potential as a rom-com.

At the beginning, in Jim's apartment, it's not clear what Jim is doing to "begrudgingly start the day." His back is to Megan, but I don't know what he's doing...is he staring out the window?

You did a good job in laying out the conflicts and setting up the characters. I like the dialog exchange between Megan and Jim when Megan is deciding on her lunch. I thought two consecutive scenes at restaurants were a bit too much. It's like we spent a couple of minutes at the apartment, then on minute in an office, and the rest at two restaurants, then again at a coffee place.

I would try to come up with a more unique location to reveal all this info.

Your slugline for BOB SANS- sounds like a person and threw me a little. Not that big a deal but I thought I should let you know.

I liked the dialog in this scene and at the end, very good. P.10 dialog -"hopeless romantic"- then "just hopeless" - I really enjoyed that. Good job.

I liked the transition from Ben/Sara breakup, to the party of five.

Page 6, it seems you said "Ben puts down his drink"...but I think you meant someone else.

By page 7, I was worn out with Jim's comments on the horoscope. I'm glad that was the last of the horoscope comments.


I noticed several typos in this submission.

I think you have something here and would like to see what you have in store for these characters a promised in the logline.

Good job- and good luck. I hope you advance.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This script and premise has great potential. It is original and funny and has some really lovable characters.

But several issues mire this down and take away from the pacing and character development which in turn affects pacing.

A lot of the descriptions is pure exposition. Some of it, too on the nose to actually merit explanation since your dialogs are doing the job.

For example,

Jim's acerbic answer brings a smile to Frank's face.

Megan just stares at Jim, not validating his behavior with a
reply.

Ben smiles bitter-sweetly at Sara's perceptiveness.

Rich gives him a "very funny" look.

Jim speaks with the duplicate
conviction he had at dinner -- much to Megan's chagrin.
-----------

It goes on. But I have to stop.

You have some great dialog. Very natural and that really is your strength. I can see you struggling with the description, trying to figure out how much detail, is detail enough.

You actually described Jim's attire in the opening scenes more than twice. and the same details. Plus, they never really mattered because he arrives at the office all wet anyway.

You have the makings of a good feature but these niggles make me apprehensive to read further as the script might repeat these problems and make it hard to go with the flow.

The opening scene sets the tone but needs to be visually or actively engaging to make it a truly remarkable start.

Two things work in your favor.

Your dialogs.

Your structure.

Polish the rest to your advantage. You won't be disappointed.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

There's a whole bunch to like about this script. Most of all, it's your dialog that I love. You've got a great way of writing conversations that sound real.

I am definitely looking forward to reading more of this story. I love romantic comedies.

One suggestion I might have is to eliminate lines like.

She shivers. Jim is exasperated.


You don't need to tell us he's exasperated, show us something he does to let us know he is. "Jim taps his fingers on the table" etc.

You tend to do this quite a bit throughout the script, so I think if you go back and eliminate the unnecessary action lines telling what the character is thinking or feeling, it would make this even stronger.

I think you introduce a lot of characters in the first ten pages. Melinda and Megan's names are very similar. Maybe Melinda's going to be just a smaller character, if so, then maybe it works, but if she's going to be bigger, maybe think about changing her name to something else. It won't matter so much on film, but for a reader, it can get confusing.

Nice job. I'm hoping this moves on, so I can find out where this is going. Again, your talent with dialog and conversation is really great.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

The two areas that I rate in this contest that carry the most weight are whether or not the first 10 pages are a compelling beginning and does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline.

Does it have a compelling beginning? It's kind of like the cliffhanger at the end of the TV season where the result is already known. We know from "We need to talk" that Megan is going to break up with Jim, it's just a matter of what does he do with it. You've thrown Sara into the mix to spice things up as well as Megan's obsession with astrology. You've also done a good job of setting Jim up as a not-very-nice guy and then you throw in his sympathy to Sara which is a nice twist.

Does it have an inciting incident? Not really. We know that Megan is going to break up with Jim but at the end of the 10 pages, she hasn't yet.

Is there a theme stated? I am fairly sure you have stated a theme but I don't know what it is. The reason is because in all of the dialog on pages 5, 6 & 7, you have probably stated your theme but I don't know how the story develops so I don't know if your theme is one of eternal hope and optimism or pessimism, or related to love being in the stars. You lay out several arguments and I don't know which one ultimately turns into your theme.

Does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline? In the first 10 pages of your screenplay, you haven't really scratched the surface of your logline because nothing mentioned in your logline has happened yet. It would be nice if you alluded to what was going to happen, maybe have Megan say at some point that she needs someone who believes in the stars too or something like that.

Other comments: You have typos that need to be fixed. I don't take off for that but you should fix them before you send this out.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Funny thing -- the last entry I reviewed was one that I absolutely loved the logline, but I was a little disappointed by the first ten pages. This one is just the opposite. During the logline contest, I gave your logline a low score because it seemed sort of goofy to me. But -EUREKA- I love your first ten pages. You're setting up your story with great patience, and doing a terrific job developing your characters in the process. And there is a lot of great dialogue. I laughed out loud at "How 'bout them Cubs?" Great comic timing. And the whole scene with Sara, Melinda, and Jim in the Coffee Pot is great. I can't wait to read the whole script, then go see the movie. Excellent!

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Great setup of the Girlfriend character. I love the interplay amongst coworkers once he's arrived drenched in sweat. Good dialog usage.

Interplay amongst Jim and Megan at the cafe was pretty spectacular.

Sara and Ben's breakup shows why men break up with women in restaurants. Great job on that! The waittress walking up and then turning to continue away is just comic gold.

"...more a Maxim guy than a GQ man." You'll never know how many people I startled at my job by laughing so hard at this. Lovely, just lovely.
That, and the "when you no longer have free will" as an indicator of how to know if you're in love. Hilarity most definitely ensued.

I really thought I was going to hate this going into it. That just shows you that you should never have preconceived notions about what a movie will by just by the logline. I generally loathe romance/comedies, and Mathew Mcconoodlehey, but this tickled the ventricles of my heart and left me wanting more. Is it odd that you can start to feel something different about love after reading the opening 10 pages of a script? I guess so, and for that you get a Bravo!

If you're a woman, I would politely ask you to go home with me.
If you're a dude, then uh... high five bro. Way to be in touch with your feminine side.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

Its fast paced but not as constent as I would like. "Star Crossed" is a good premise and the Jim guy is a asshole, coming from a guy.

There should be more heart somewhere in this script. Its only the first ten pages, very hard to know what really lies underneath this decent script.

The dialouge and the details could use some minor tinkering.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Eh. Easily confused with other similary named stories. Not very punchy.

Logline: I can see the concept, but the logline doesn't do it justice.

Story:

There's quite a bit of dialogue, but much of it doesn't move the story forward.

That's critical.

Every bit of dialogue must move the story forward somehow. But you basically keep beating the drum about the same problem between the two main characters.

The bigger problem seems to me to be the fact that, according to your logline, the man schemes to get his girl back. But from what I gathered reading your script, he absolutely cannot stand her. So it seems less than believable that he'll turn around on that.

Overall, the story is pretty slow going. You've got a great high concept idea, so you need to punch me in the face with it in every scene. You could easily cut 50% of your dialogue and have the same story... and 5 extra pages for the rest of the story.

You also micromanage quite a bit. Dialogue/Description/Dialogue/Description/etc. You don't need to describe every little nuance. Leave something for the actor, the director and our imagination.

Keep going with this, but remember that scripts are sold because they are unique, not just well written or have a good idea. You have to make this script different, exciting, and fun. Right now... it's on the way to that, but not there yet.

Tomisin Ogunsanya (Level 1)

Jim does not seem like a very likable character, which may make it hard to sympathize with him when he surely will endure other shenanigans later in the script. But the storyline seems interesting and the dialogue seems very natural and believable. There is also a touch of humor somewhere along the writing, which makes it very entertaining.

Tracy Ryan (Level 3)

I think you did a nice job setting up the different storylines and introducing all the main characters. The only comment I have is why are they together in the first place? They don't seem to like each other at all. I am not sure where the storyline is going and if he winds up with the Sara instead but I think there needs to be more explanation. Have they been together a long time? Does he have low self-esteem? If they are meant to be together I don't see it. They just seem to annoy each other and not understand each other. Otherwise I think it moves forward well. Maybe a few more adjectives to describe character in the beginning for the different characters.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Impressions while reading:

The first page is boring -- Jim and Megan, two people that do not give the impression to continue reading. She wants to bike to work and he has the shrug of, "why?"...

State Street Grille -- what's the purpose of this conversation? It's flat and doesn't move the story forward in a way that's either interesting or original.

Bob and Sandy appear all of a sudden at the bottom of page 4 and I don't know why they are here and what purpose they serve?

The dialogue is a bit mechanical and doesn't really "grip" or entice the reader to continue -- I feel that there isn't a whole lot there to keep the interest up and the story moving forward.

While I do think that the premise is killer; I don't think that the execution matches that initial thought and/or situation... and sometimes that is due to the bar being raised with initial premise being too "high" to lead itself to fruition.

Trim and only tell what is necessary and you have the story.

Comments Made After the Contest

Shane Shearer (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2009 7:19 AM

Way to tap into your inner girly.

Tom Shipley (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2009 8:51 AM

Thanks Shane (uh, I think). It's funny, hadn't written a romantic comedy before. Just had this idea and went with it.

And thanks for all the reviews. As usually, I shot myself in the foot somewhat with a lot of typos and careless writing (special thanks to Calvin for noting all of them -- and I'm not being sarcastic!).

Overall, the feedback was great and will help out a lot as I move forward on this.