Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

You have a decent start here. This reminds me a lot of 'The Road' and 'I Am Legend' and other apopcolyptic movies to some degree but I tried to read it for what it was and not what it was similar too. It's important to understand that if you are going to write something that pretty similar that you will need to bring something more to it or completely change it up to show a unique flair.

I noticed some places that could use some trimming one was peter's intro--

'...PETER stands staring into the flames, his mind a world away.
He’s in his thirties but his shaggy beard and sunken eyes
add a decade or more...'

I was able to shave off 6 words and still say pretty much exactly what you had.

'...PETER,(30'S) stares into the flames, lost in thought. His shaggy beard and sunken eyes make him look much older than he appears...'

It's a small thing but every sentence should just get to the point as quickly as possible.

The characters are drawn pretty well and relationship is established that they don't have the best relationship which as per logline will come to bear. The tension is established with the unknown noises but otherwise we are left to wonder if their is any one else left till the girl shows up.

I liked how you showed Evan sees her first through the telescope.

Your story is okay right now. It dpesnt stand out much from anything of the other picks about a future earth after a apocolyptic event so you need to find that part that makes it different. That can be the hardest part of making the story yours.

Amaury Ramos (Level 1)

I think this piece was very well written. It had clear imagery. There was a subtle darkness to it. I would like to see how this father and son duo evolve for better or worse and also would like to see how and if the author ties in the downfall of civilization.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

Your script is going to be one of my favorites, no doubt about it. I like your visuals, neat formatting, almost everything. Almost...

Your main problem here is the pace. Your pace is too slow. You need to use tension-and-release technique more efficiently. Peter and Evan were safe all the time. Their most serious threat was a bunch of drunk singers. -No offense to them- You need to make us worry more about the character. Those are the Holly first-ten-pages. Don't wast them.

Your dialogue was good. But sometimes I felt like you were the one speaking not your character. like this one: "You think anyone’s left?" said Evan. I don't know Evan more than you but it felt like Evan won't say such cool response on the sight of such morbid bonfire. Hope you got my point.

Telling-without-showing-red-flag have been raised twice in your script.
First:
"with eyes that have seen more horror in a decade
than most will see in a lifetime."
Show us don't tell us.
Second:
"but he can’t comprehend it."
How we would know that?

Also "God save the queen" should be put into a dialogue line.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was very well done. Good descriptions, dialogue, characters, pace. No typos or formatting problems that I noticed. The story is very cool. If the rest of the script was here, I'd continue reading for sure. You ended at a great spot to leave the reader wanting more. I'm a fan of the gritty post-apocalyptic dramas and this is setting up to be a very cool one. I look forward to reading more. Nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

As I said in my review of the logline - this sounds very like a BBC TV production called 'Survivors', or rather like the film 'Children of Men' Remains to be seen if the ten pages reveal something that will stand out as being more original...

GREAT and visually stunning opening. The image of the page from R &J burning - tremendous. (but I'm a sucker for Shakespeare) And it continues throughout a very fine piece of work...

My slight concern is that Evan seems very, VERY mature for a ten year old. Phrases like:
"It just took me by surprise.""There’s a reason we’re all still here." - just seem the sort of thing an adult would say - or rather, phrased in an adult way.

"The scope shudders as Evan’s breathing quickens." - Motive? Because he's seen a naked woman? That's what I took from it and again it seems an unlikely reaction from so young a child. I think he'd snigger! Maybe it's just the sight of another person though?

Perhaps, though, his life traumas have left him wise beyond his years? I just think it's something that needs consideration.

That aside, I liked this a great deal for its simplicity and clarity of purpose. The characters - only two - were skilfully drawn and held my attention. It was leanly and beautifully written. I DO so much want to know what happens next!

Cezar Rozmus (Level 1)

The big print is beautifully written. Although at times it feels too eloquent; a lot of the moments described would lose something translated to film. The prose feels like literature rather than a film blue print.

The story is obviously well thought out and these ten pages suggest a slow burning drama. An interesting coincidence that the ten pages end on a such an interesting scene, I'm wondering what impact it would have to open on this beat.

The scene where the two are almost spotted by the drunkards is a definite highlight.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Wow.

Loved it.

Very nicely done, love the entire apocalyptic scene. You do a nice job with the characters and their interaction. Good, crisp dialogue.

Wondering how Evan heard the girl swimming under the bridge that's the only part that didn't quite make sense. His dad seems to be a real fruitcake, which makes for an interesting story. Love where you ended it, if it weren't for the log line, I'd wonder if Peter kills the girl.

Great start to an intriguing story. Truly can't wait to read more.

Nice work here.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Sounds interesting. I'm a stickler for good loglines. This one has everything it needs, but is way too long and detailed. Let's see if the ten pages helps out.

Dude's a little unstable. You set a great post-apocalypse world. I'm kind-of a closet fan of these pieces. It doesn't appear that you are falling into the traps that most of these movies do. I imagine clues to the horror that caused this will be meted out at an appropriate pace. Looks like I want to read more, good job.


Notes:
- Watch the use of 'IS' and 'ING'

Chris Messineo (Founder)

First, great title and logline. I am intrigued.

This reads like poetry. Simple dialogue full of subtext. Haunting images. Memorable characters.

In short, brilliant. I loved everything about this. Even the last page is a great cliff hanger.

My only question/suggestion, I wonder if Evan is a little young for this story. Given your logline, I think 12 or 13 might be better. But you clearly know what you are doing (your craft is excellent) and I can't wait to read on (as I'm sure this will be in the top ten).

Extraordinary.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I'm halfway through the reviews, and this is the best one I've read yet! Your writing is tight, and your craft is excellent!

I loved your opening sequence, it hooked me right from the start, and kept me hooked right to page ten. Awesome...

Also, your character descriptions were well done. I liked how you took a few lines to describe your characters and their mannerisms.

I'm giving this one an excellent! I'd be very surprised not to see this one moving on to the next round. Well done.

David Birch (Level 5)

i thought the writing tended to be flowery and self-indulgent...things like "long ago looted" are subtext that go into novels, short stories or comic books...the excessive amount of lines dedicated to every detail of scenic description took away (instead of adding to) your story...give me a hint of why things are gray (or grey, twice), dank and why bodies are being burned, tossed into the ocean, and why evan and peter have seemed to escape the carnage???

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

Would I go and see this movie? Yes. Your opening scenes serve the purpose of character crafting and catching the viewer well. I was somewhat unsure of Evan's idolect, as he seemed to me to be well in advance of his 10 years. The writing is well paced, the dialogue is concise which allows your visual descriptions to be foregrounded. One plot point- why is there only one can of beans in the old couples house? Fair enough if that gets explained later but it struck me as strange they are scavengers if there was an abundance of food in these abandoned homes. Loved the final sequence of the ten pages in particular! A very good effort- top class!

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Nice logline, and title. Sorry I didn't get to it, but you didn't need a score from me to advance, good stuff.

Oh snap, the first ten pages, this is great.

This is excellent. I especially like how you don't spend time on the why's of the apocalypse, lots of subtext and visuals promise to give me more about that later. The inciting incident is great, again subtext. The set-up here promises more excellence with character relationships, action, and everything else.

Great way to have me wanting more with the mini cliff hanger end of page 10.

Everything about this is excellent.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here’s what I jotted down as I was reading through your pages:

*
I dig that first little scene. Book burning is such a powerful device. It is one of those great stereotypes a writer can use. You show one book getting thrown on a fire and immediately it connotes chaos and oppression. Very interesting. (As a total Shakespeare nerd, I am a little wary of this particular quote though…it’s often misquoted because he’s not using the word “violent” the way you or I would, which is in a “books on fire” kind of way. He’s referring to super-lusty, risk-it-all, sneak out of your parents house to have sex in an Old Navy changing room kind of LOVE, and how that kind of high intensity relationship can flame out with equal intensity. All that said, I reckon Shakespeare would LOVE that you are using his exact same words and generating a new meaning…so have I totally beat this in to the ground far enough for you? Super! Let’s move on…)
*
The boy fishing in isolation at the end of the dock. Eerie and beautiful visual.
*
Snagging on a body. Chilling. Nice.
*
The man, the pistol, “Keep the fire going.” I love the TONE of this. I’m not even through page 2 and I’m hooked.
*
“Not before I teach you to fish.” Brilliant.
*
The whole scene with them eating and talking about survival and the past. It’s so good. It’s so natural and yet you’ve set up the world they live in…without removing the sense of mystery. So good.
*
Page 5 and I think that’s the first time you referred to Peter as Evan’s father. That’s interesting. Kind of makes me want to go back and re-read everything with that in mind. It just makes thing different. Why don’t you mention that relationship when Peter is first introduced? (Not saying you should. But you should definitely have a reason why you didn’t…it was a pretty significant hiccup in my mental processes when I hit that line.)
*
Great tension when Peter disappears into the woods.
*
“…can’t even follow a rhythm.” Nice.
*
Stunning ending to these pages. So so so good.


I can’t say enough about these pages. Really really great. Bottom line, if I’m a manager or a prod company I’m on the phone to you right now asking for the rest of this script.

My favorite so far. I cannot wait to read the rest.

Truly amazing work.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I love the visual that you began with. And I love the way it ended on page ten. So I have to say, I hope I get to read the rest of this screenplay. A few things to consider follow:

Consider rewriting some of the words that end in ING. For example: "Cavernous, rotten eyes gazing up at the boy." Consider instead: "Cavernous, rotten eyes gaze at the boy."

"Evan exits the cottage struggling under the weight of his rucksack." Need a comma after COTTAGE.

"Neither inclined to speak or even acknowledge the other." I do not believe the word INCLINED is needed. Consider: "Neither speak or acknowledge the other."

"He watches his father enters the village and disappear out of sight behind a farmhouse." First ENTERS should be ENTER. Second, the words "out of sight" are redundant because that is what DISAPPEAR means. Consider the following: "He watches his father enter the village, disappear behind a farmhouse."

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Very nice work. Original concept, characters well drawn, dialogue good, a lot of good cinematic visuals. You create a murky, dark, mysterious world and everything in it is consistent.

A few minor suggestions:
1. On p.3 you wrote: "For a brief moment he looks at Evan with genuine affection." "He" would refer to the last person who spoke, so I would say "Peter" here.
2. On p.10, "enters" should be "enter," "Even" should be "Evan."
3. Bottom of p. 9, where you say: "Evan nods, afraid to be left alone" - how do we know that? Maybe he nods and sucks a finger or bites a fingernail, some silent sign that would show his fear.

But overall, high-quality writing. I'm hooked and would like to read on.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I don't think there is enough description. I need to feel panic and urgency. It isn't there now and I think that it could be an easy fix with some well thought out descriptive words which will not change the story but punch it up.

Jess Flower (Level 3)

Very very good. I was drawn in instantly. I'm going to be honest and let you know that the first image of the book burning felt like it was done before, but when it was immediately tied in inside the lighthouse I was blown away. Dialogue tight and purposeful. I care about both characters -- even the dad. I really want to read more.

On page 10 in your action sequence it says "Even tracks her" instead of "Evan tracks her." I still knew what you meant because you are a compelling storyteller; but fix it before you send it anywhere.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Déjà vu! I just finished reading ‘The Road’ by Cormac McCarthy. Reading your dystopian filmscript transported me back into McCarthy's bleak haunting story.

Your pace and cadance of your words were suitably poetic and your bleak writing style was perfectly suited to this slate gray story. The simplistic language reflected the circumstances that the father and the son were clawing their way through. Beautifully written ten pages.

Sagas of survial always provide a compelling facination and escape for the view. You have written this well with many stark images. I cared about the boy and his future.

See the New York Times Review: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/08/books/review/Kennedy.t.html

I shall return to your apocalyptic story after a much needed rest.

I have returned and on the reread I must raise your score.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

At first this was shaping up to be very, I am Legend-ish but then you just made me lose interest with your on the nose dialogue. It didn't suck but it wasn't a rousing first ten pages to keep me interested. Remember you have to hook us from the first 5 pages. I didn't feel the emotions of the father and the son but I did get that the son wants to know about the otherwise forgotten past of humanity.

The script really loses ground in becoming interesting or standing out from other scripts that have come before its genre. The Dialogue is my problem have them interrupt each other the Dad is so uninteresting it seems like we have joined a day where nothing interesting happens except on page 10 the gunshot scene. It just seems pretty generic. Sorry I know i may sound condescending but that's just how I feel. Formatting looks to be ok but work on keeping -ING out of your action lines you slipped a couple of times and that could have been avoided.

This is GOOD to me cause it didn't get me really pumped and I think it is because you really haven't given us really interesting characters yet and the set up seems like it has been done before. I cannot stress enough for you to be original and you will standout from the pack. I wish your characters had more of an interesting U.K. dialect because i couldn't really care where we are.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

It didn't ring apocalyptic to me. And maybe it's just me. A shot of them in an apocalyptic city would convince me. Otherwise, they are at the beach, in the forest, at the lighthouse, all expected to be forlorn places. And their cottage looks like abandoned/abused house, that's all. But again, maybe you've got nothing to worry about.

page 2 - it's ok the way it is now, but I'd just put "Peter, late forties"

page 3 - you could get rid of a large chunk of it, starting from "Peter tosses a bone into the fire" up until the next scene. I thought that the message you want to send is perfectly clear even without that part.

Peter doesn't project as "abusive" to me. In fact he seems rather "protective". Also I have no idea why you saying that he's deranged. In my opinion, it's not on the pages. I think you could have it on pages in the first 10.

I liked how you set the mood and the tone though.

Kirk White (Level 5)

you're gonna have a hard time with this one...you can't really write something like this without the inevitable The Road comparisons. But I think you've crafted a great opening...love the "argument" with the books and the hunting stuff. FANTASTIC "cliffhanger" with the redheaded woman which guarantees that I want to read more.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Description riveting, quite visual. Real feeling for atmosphere of some kind of apocalypse affecting father and son.
Easy to follow two main characters. Good introductions of both. Liked the juxtaposition of Peter's experience in the wilderness, with Evan's naivete.
Terrific job luring reader into scene with red-haired girl; assumed ten-year-old would just gawk. Complete surprise to discover Father shoots her.
Moves at a nice pace with a slow unravel.
The dialogue is good, but could use some tightening. Sometimes, Peter sounds like Evan. Evan occasionally articulates older than his ten years.
Perhaps, Peter should talk less. The "burning books" vein seems to indicate that he may have some unorthodox views. His words might be more potent if he said less.
Overall, a very good start.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The opening book almost hearkens back to old black-and-white fairy tale features. Interesting choice, especially with the twist of the book actually burning. I like it.

"redirecting his anger." Not sure exactly what you mean: redirecting at the boy or away from the boy? And how is this to be shown? A little too vague.

It's just my impression, but I think there's too much expository dialogue on pages 3 and 4. I'd prefer to see them actively living in this new world instead of talking about the past and giving away most of the "secrets" of the world. I think the viewer should be able to "discover" what's going on instead of being told point-blank that the past will never happen again. I think most of that dialogue should be cut or moved deeper into the script. The dialogue on the bottom of page 6 and top of 7 is wonderful, though, and would be placed nicely if you hadn't given everything away earlier.

Their travels are a little reminiscent of "The Happening", especially in their explorations of abandoned buildings. Since that movie sucked, I'd encourage you to make sure that your characters are as far removed from it as possible.

I think I already mentioned this in the logline contest, but the whole idea behind this script seems fundamentally identical to "I Am Legend". I'm still waiting to see a definite separation from that movie. I mean, Will Smith hunts for wildlife in that movie, hides out in a house, etc. You need more than just "different characters" to make your script "different" from other movies.

Should the young Evan really be looking at a topless girl? I know, it's a different world, but my inappropriate-meter just jumped off the charts.

You set up the world well, and you write your action lines with confidence. But I'm not sure I'd be riveted for a whole two hours by this concept, especially given its familiarity to the two movies I've mentioned previously. Good luck.

Rating: Good

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm just going to jump right in here...

You can't film "bitterly cold." Work the fact into a visual when you move to Evan on the pier. "Peter stands his ground, redirecting..." - avoid words ending in "ing." Keep the script active.

At the end of page 2 you have Evan breaking down and weeping. It's a little cliche. Personally, I think weeping or crying or shedding tears in any other way should be kept to a minimum. When you do have someone cry, make it a hugely dramatic moment or keep it really quiet - end with the eyes tearing up instead of the tears falling... That sort of thing.

On page three you have a "long time" passing while they eat. That's really vague. Things happen as time passes. Tell us what those things are or skip over the time to a later scene in the same setting. Again, "A long beat" would be much more interesting if you wrote an action that occurs as the time passed. It can be something really simple like pulling a fishbone out of the meat or his mouth. Write action.

On page 8: After you describe the charred field of bodies and the two lines of dialogue that follow, you say Evan admires the view. That seems really odd to me. Put some distance between the bodies and the the view.

When they're in the cottage in this new town, use scene headings when you change settings. Peter and Evan aren't moving through this house as we watch. They're seen in one room, then another, and another.

Page 10 is written more like a piece of literature than a script. You're not setting the scenes. You're telling a reader what's going on, not describing what is unfolding on a movie screen.

I have to tell you, I think this is going to make a great movie. You need to work on the writing, though.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I think there needs to be more information...or even just some information on what is happening in the world at this point. By page 10 we should have an idea of what's going on and why or how. The only reason I know anything is because I read your logline, but if I didn't have that to go by I think I'd be totally confused. And your first 10 pages should stand on their own without explanation from the logline.

It seems like it has the potential to be a very cool story, but unfortunately the first ten really didn't give me enough insight on what the story is about.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

There was a lot of sparse dialog and scene direction which was executed to good effect. The characters came off sometimes as one-sided, but that's probably because of the lack of other characters and situations to react to, and would probably grow on me over the rest of the movie.

There's also the potential for some beautiful post-apocalyptic imagery, a lot for a good director to work with.

However ultimately it felt too derivative and similar to other works. It is quite similar to The Road, a book by Cormac McCarthy and now a film.

It's hard to avoid with a genre piece like this, but the father-son + outsider relationship is well-trod territory, as is the post-apocalyptic dystopia. From these ten pages, however well crafted they are (which is quite well) it hasn't brought anything really new to the table for this setup.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

A touching and dark story. I love the realtionship between the father and son. Not the typical father son realtionship. Burning literature. The father has some deep rooted hatred for something in his past. I liked this story a lot. The climax was really good.

I think this one will make it to the final ten. The story and a few scenes alone could get this script there.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

So far, so good, although the story and logline are downers.

"For the first time, Peter smiles," really good!

I only offer two really nitpicky points.

1. "with eyes that have seen more horror in a decade than most will see in a lifetime" can't be filmed, so cut it. Let your marvelous set up do the work for you.

2. It takes hours for a tide to turn. Is Evan really out there that long?

I'm looking forward to reading the next set of pages. Thanks for sharing.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I love your style. It's simple and graceful. And I will keep this review simple too:

VERY GOOD.

One of my favorites.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

(Title/Logline comments are just observations. No effect on the scoring.)

TITLE: Like it. The word "ashes' definitely gives the 'post-apocalyptic' vibe.
LOGLINE: I find it a bit long and rambling. Maybe try "In a post-apocalyptic Britain, a young boy's search for a better life is stifled by his violent and deranged father."
This still captures your theme, hero and villain but seems more simple and relatable to an audience.

STORY:
Love the opening. I'm a big fan of opening with a powerful quote but here I think you even do it one better by giving it the burning book visual rather than just OVER BLACK.
Your narrative is very clean. Great efficient descriptions.
This carries over to the dialogue as well. Extremely crisp and powerful.
Love your use of sound. Even though there is plenty of dialogue, the visuals and sounds are equally as expressive. You really allow the settings to act as another character in the scenes.
I think you definitely deliver on the 'promise of the premise'. The first ten pages are a great start to introduce what was promised by the logline. The hero is apparent and, although no specific villain is revealed, you still establish that danger lurks and the evil is out there somewhere.

LITTLE THINGS:
Not really a criticism but I notice you often flirt with 'telling us feelings or things we cannot see'. Nothing blatant but just something to keep an eye on.

Overall, incredible start. Excellent work. I know my glowing review probably wont help you much but just consider it a friendly pat on the back. I cant wait to read more of this one. Good luck.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Overall: If I was a reader for a prod co or agency, out of the 13 scripts I have already read, this would go ahead of the 2 excellents I have given. Unbelievably good.

I was absorbed right from the off - your description of the barren, bitter landscape with the slight figure of Evan fishing is fantastic, followed by Evan himself - absolutely wonderful, evocative and emotional writing.

The whole of your first page is mesmerising, vivid and shocking.

Peter is as different from Evan as he could be, a cold man with a flash of warmth focusing on survival.

Although little happens in the next few pages you kept me totally interested, I made no notes, I was putty in your extremely talented hands.

You keep up pace and tension throughout and the last action of the redhead getting shot had me on tenterhooks dying to find out what happens next. You certainly write with the beauty and economy of language that this site exalts.

I have no doubt this will advance to the next round and I can't wait to read the rest.

Your talent shines out. Extremely well done and good luck.

(You spell smolder like an American but grey like a Brit.)

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I'm not going to have much to say about this one. Simply awesome. I'm intrigued by the grimness of the world, by the relationship between father and son. I don't see Peter as a monster, simply an angry man lost in a dead world. Evan is certainly empathetic, and I want to see him free from his father's grasp. And at the end of page ten, he gets a glimpse of what he wants, and then a GUNSHOT. Superb.

If anything, I have nitpicks - I love the idea of the books for warmth, but maybe you could underline it slightly more at the beginning. Maybe the fire to the chimney is enough, but maybe I'd like to see hands over the fire (something to immediately suggest utility rather than fascism). Peter says a hypothetical "they're" not like us - I think this is poetry running away from you. Make it "Nobody is like us." Evan's initial description is a little uninspired (compared to the rest) and the word "decade" is used in both character descriptions.

Otherwise, outstanding work, and can't wait to read the rest.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

After reading these pages I felt sorry that there wasn't more. High praise to you for taking my hand and leading me into a world that I could easily imagine and settle in for a journey. I loved the interaction between Peter and Evan. It was real and engaging. The dialogue wasn't stilted at all and you didn't try to tell the whole story in these opening pages. One item I expected after reading the logline was some type of insert or screen shot as to the place and date (maybe a reference to a future year and place?) It works without it but I wonder if it would help a script presentation when someone doesn't have the logline to work from. This is a steller script and one of the best entries I've read. I truly hope you move on but on the off chance that you do not, please contact me so that I can read the rest of this script. I'm extremely interested in reading more. Great stuff. I am ranking each script personally to arrive at my own Top 10. Your ranking is: In the Top Ten.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I like the title. the log line is promising a journey, a struggle...and to me it has the potential to be a great story.

I have to say I love your writing style. This was a quick read.

Some comments: A DEER, seen through a rifle scope.

Try to picture your script as if seeing it on the screen. When reading this, I see a deer standing. Then I read rifle scope, and then I put the crosshairs on. It's a minor thing, but I just wanted to point it out to you.

Maybe use Evan's POV: Rifle Scope


When Peter tells Evan to wait while he checks out the noise, that really got my heart pumping. You set me up for something pretty good, but there was no payoff. He left and came back, and it felt like a let down.

Then Peter makes a comment about drunkards, they cant follow a rhythm. This didn't seem right after a tense moment. Just didn't seem consistent with the tone.

A whole half page at the end of p. 7 - meaningless banter between Peter and Evan. Seems like it can be cut out.

Minor typo "Even tracks her" should be "Evan tracks her"

After reading ten pages, I'm not sure I'd have a clue to what's going on, had it not been for the logline.

At the end of p. 10, good....a glimmer of some conflict...The dad is chasing the girl.

The writing is good, the formatting and style are good.

I'm just didn't feel like there was something to draw me in, to hook me. And I didn't get a sense for their situation.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Fantastic opening shot.

This reminds me of the fantastic Cormac Mcarthy novel, "The Road" and I won't be the first one to tell you that.

I hope however that I'll be the first one to tell you that this is equally good, if not slightly better. At least with the start that you've got going on.

A slight niggle about certain scenes that end on dialog. It's a personal opinion of mine that really good script-writers work out their transitions rather than rely on exiting a scene through dialog. Do work out some description or action to merge one scene to another. It takes away from the slight abruptness.

The atmosphere and setting are achieved quite well. The dialog's are flawless.

And a great hook at the tenth page.

More please, skilled writer.

Sarah Daly (Level 2)

This is a truly desolate script, and you have packed a ton of atmosphere into this. The slow, considered pace really works and you cleverly imply visuals with your spot-on descriptions. The long shot of Evan for example. We immediaitely get that he is just a tiny boy in a big empty world .We really feel the despair, the loneliness, the uncertainty. but you have countered this wonderfully with the little boy - he is our anchor and our hope - and so we have a lot invested in him and care greatly about his welfare - so, in this sense, we're hooked.
Peter is well conceived too - his harshness motivated and understandable. But he is not beyond redemption and so, on another front, we are hopeful and drawn in.
Your vague references to the 'enemy' work well - the mystery is good - we don't yet know if these are just normal people driven to terrible things or if there is a bigger threat out there. You set this up well.
So far, a beautiful and tragic portrait of a near destroyed relationship and world, but you plant seeds of both hope and also the potential for further and more dramatic conflict.
Good cliffhanger at the end too - and nicely timed. We feel that this is where the story truly begins.
A sparse, well executed story that certainly left me wanting to read more.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

The two areas that I rate in this contest that carry the most weight are whether or not the first 10 pages are a compelling beginning and does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline.

Does it have a compelling beginning? Very compelling. You do an excellent job of setting the scenes, describing this new, horrible world and building tension as Peter and Evan move through it. I want to know what has happened, why and who are they running from and what are they going to. You have me, hook, line and sinker.

Does it have an inciting incident? Yes but I'm not sure if it's the initial move or the girl. From your logline, it sounds like it's him meeting the girl but it could also be Peter making the begrudging Evan move. It depends on how the story unfolds.

Is there a theme stated? Yes, I believe it's "There’s a reason we’re all still
here." from page 4.

Does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline? Yes. You've set up that Steve is very abusive and not very stable and that they're on the run. The the world has changed dramatically and Evan very much wants to know how it was and Steve doesn't want him to.

Other comments: You have great descriptions and excellent pacing. I rated this an excellent. Not much more to say.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Excellent! Of the twelve entries I've read so far, this is by far the best. You're doing a great job developing your characters and slowly painting a vivid picture of their world. Your pacing is excellent, which I imagine is very difficult to do when, in addition to writing a screenplay, you're also trying to win a contest. Great job! Great ten pages! I can't wait to read the rest.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

"From the Ashes" is a good story, with survival as the focal point. The opening scene with the father and son together is very well written. That scene is the meat and potatoes for me. The father wants the boy to become a man, he wants him to put things off like reading and focus on survival instead. Hunting, etc.

The climax on page ten was pretty good. Didn't see that happening, I thought maybe a moster was going to tear his head off. I like what you did instead.

The only thing I would change is maybe some of the dialouge and there are a few typos with your descriptions. Overal a good story well told so far.

Keep up the good work.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

A very beautiful, poetic opening. You had me at "A FIRE".

Overall, there is almost nothing to comment on that is "wrong". It's just a fabulous first 10 pages. Remarkable. I know this will make the top 10. Probably #1.

I have a few suggestions. They can be ignored, but I felt they might help.

Page 3: Lose the "I'm surprised..." and "I don't know why..." dialogue. Going from "Mom said books are a record..." to "... sometimes it's better if..." has much more impact.

Page 8: When Evan asks, "You think anyone's left", Peter should simply shake his head.
Questions don't always have to be answered with a verbal reply. Sometimes a motion, or lack of reply, tells more about the situation that words can.

Your "Riverside" slug on page is missing a "- DAY".

"The room is small, cluttered but immaculately preserved but for a thick layer of dust." sounds contradictory. How about, "The room is small and in perfect order, except
for a thick layer of dust.". Simplify.

"For the first time, Peter smiles" - wonderful !!!!

You've got true skills. This is a fine work. I'm looking forward to finding out who wrote this and reading the entire script. If I make it to the 3rd round, I'm really going to have to step up my game.

Rating: Excellent!

Best of luck.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I think this is good so far. I like how you jump right into the world/life of this father and son. Their situation drew me into the story.

Couple of critiques.

- This ones pretty minor, but can a regular fishing line reel in a corpse? that seemed unbelievable to me.

- There are a few instances of description that couldn't be shown on screen. The fire "fueled by encyclopedias" for example. I think you should just mention that there's a pile of encyclopedias next to the fire because you show the kid throwing one on almost immediately after. Also "evan nods, afraid to be left alone" should be something like "Evan nods with fear in his eyes." It's a minor thing, but I think something most readers will note.

- Overall, I like these pages. It seems like your just about getting to the inciting incident of meeting the teen girl and learning about the commune in the north.

Overall, good job.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

To start how blessed I feel to have the privilege to read such a variety of stories and textures from story to story,
yours being yet another flavor.

Title: Good - you might be able to be a bit more creative with it. I think its too stock compared
to the words you paint the story with.

Logline: A bit convoluted, but a tighter version that your first submission, as I recall.
I would have liked to see a bit more details from this following sentence,
"violent and terrifying turn" seems like something I would have written ;-)

Opening: A strong opening, a painting of a bleak world not to far around the corner
pehaps. Intresting to see how a slacking teenager and his father interact, when instead
of doing chores, survival is the key target that father is trying to pass on.

Overall: Got me wanting to turn the page, looking for page 11 :-)

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Impressions while reading:

Love the opening, from the FIRE to the book burning and the particular page. Great image.

Evan -- great character, three-dimensional and a protagonist that is sympathetic.
Peter -- another interesting character and care-taker but one who leaves something to mystery, especially with the ending of page 10.

Fine leave -- wanting more and continued interest. I want to continue reading this script and enjoyed all scenes (economical, great pacing and a natural rhythm).

Excellent job.

Comments Made After the Contest

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 6:36 AM

Martin, what a shame you didn't enter into the final leg of the contest - did you not finish in time?

Where are you with the script? I would really like to read it when you've got a finished draft.

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 10/1/2009 11:50 AM

I agree, Martin - however far you made it with this script, you should be proud of the beginning, and keep going. You've really got something good going here.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 10/1/2009 12:41 PM

This was amazing. If you haven't finished it yet - you need to.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 10/2/2009 12:57 PM

Thanks for all the great feedback and for your support. I feel bad about not entering, and even worse for not finding the time to review the scripts of those that did.

The script's currently stalled in the middle of act two due to lack of time. I'll finish it at some point but I've been under a fair bit of pressure at work and this script has had to take a back seat.

Thanks again and congrats to those who completed their scripts in time. A great achievement.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 2/21/2010 9:27 AM

Are you any further on completing this Martin?

Also, wanted to say a proper 'hi' as - small world - we have a mutual friend in Jack Macfarlane whom I was great friends with many moons ago in Somerset and have just re-established contact with via Facebook.

Brilliant to see a Brit writer doing so well - how's the gaming industry??

Heather O'Connell (Level 4) ~ 12/10/2010 10:36 AM

I love the way this is told. Yes, it reminds me of the road, also. I hope it ends on a more hoprful note, though. I'd love to read more, I'd love to see this film.
:) Heather

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 12/11/2010 12:03 PM

Thanks a lot, Heather. Glad you enjoyed it.

It is very similar to (and to some extent inspired by) The Road (the novel, I'm yet to see the film). But developments in the second act take it in a very different direction.

I really need to get this finished at some point. Has it really been over a year?! I'm already behind on other writing commitments but I do hope to come back to this story eventually.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 2/5/2013 10:41 AM

Sooo... after years in the wilderness I just stumbled upon old unfinished draft of this and remembered how much I liked it. Encouraged by all the comments here I've decided to finally get it finished. Watch this space.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 2/5/2013 11:42 AM

Well, it got an excellent from me, so get it done!

Pete Barry (Level 5) ~ 2/5/2013 12:07 PM

This is one of my all-time favorites entries in this contest. Can't wait to read the finished product.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 2/5/2013 2:42 PM

You guys are too kind. Now I have no excuse not to get it finished. If I haven't posted an update about finishing a first draft in the next 4 weeks, you have permission to spam me with insulting emails.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 2/5/2013 3:19 PM

About bloody time. Hoorah! Ha-ha! Spam! Spam! With pickle.