Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

You have a very good idea going here and it moves along fairly well. The characters are nicely defined and the dialogue done pretty good. the only real issue I have with it is that even by page 10 you just touching on the premise of Memphis' plan to eliminate Tim Roth.

I would say that you might want to try and trim some spots so that the actual plan is forming by page 10. the quicker we can get to the chase the better but the set up right now is going well. Good job.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The writing and pace here are very good. The characters are well rounded and the dialogue reads believably. There were a few typos that I noticed but nothing too distracting. The story here seems interesting and the genre is right up my alley. I can't help but feel like this is destined to become a dark comedy once his plan gets set in to motion so it might be a good idea to work on setting that tone early on. If the rest of the script was here, I'd keep reading. Nice work.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I know from my own experience (with Jamie Oliver!) that we have to be very careful about using real people's names - so, just warning you one more time - beware! I'm sure I'd be flattered if I were Tim Roth...

Completely love the intro, the Henry V toilet cleaning sequence - great transition from 'actor' to flushing toilet!

"With his mobile phone to his hear" - watch out for typos - bad impression.

Hmmmm - The FIRST toilet scene - great - the second with the agent - not so sure...perhaps over playing the toilet scenario? It seems to me to be a very MASCULINE sense of humour - the bad smell in the toilet. Don't alienate your female readers, is my advice. Or maybe it's just me that thinks, 'Oh jeez, another fart joke, or another bad smell in the toilet joke - NOT FUNNY.'

This was very well set up. Your characters had character! And were distinguishable one from the other - a bonus in this contest. I very much want to see what comes next!

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

So this dude is going to replace this other dude. If this is a serious drama he probably won't kill him. If this is a comedy he will, but nothing has been over the top yet, so I'm guessing serious dramedy. This was pretty well written, but I have to say movies about movies even if just actors don't work for me.

Notes:
- What's wrong with fade in?
- The first page made me cringe and then the toilet brush, was great, sure it was expected, but there is no other way to do it.
- Who's Tim Roth? Is he real or made up?
- Double space before your scene heading.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I absolutely adore this title and logline.

Memphis (great name btw) is a wonderful character. I like him a lot and I real feel for him. I love all the different ways people mistake him for Tim Roth. I think this is a great setup for the rest of the script.

About the only thing I didn't like was the bathroom scene where he doesn't get the job. It felt cheap and unnecessary. I think it might have worked better if he didn't get the job because he looked too much like Tim Roth (or at least something that has to do with his look).

Still, your craft is great and I really enjoyed this a lot. I hope I get to read the rest of it.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I loved the opening sequence all ending up with the blue toilet water. I also thought the smelly bathroom scene was great. But after that, I found myself wondering where this story was headed. It wasn't until the last few lines of the last page where ASHLEIGH suggests to MEMPHIS that he bump off the real, Tim Roth that I get a sense of what this might be about.

There probably "is" a bigger story here, but I just didn't get it, and I found myself asking whether of not this can continue for another hundred pages or so.

You have a couple of scenes that could play out as the inciting incident of your story, but neither was very strong for me that keep a lasting image in my mind. Also, what is your theme? Where is it stated? These are just a few questions that found myself asking myself as I read your story.

Along with your opening sequence, and the whole bathroom scene, I liked how you showed MEMPHIS' struggle with his acting career. That you can build on and use to move your story forward.

In the first ten pages, we meet several characters, but I only pick out two, MEMPHIS and ASHLEIGH as your main characters. Will their be any more "main" characters? Who is your antagonist here? Tim Roth? All these things kept bouncing through my mind as I read.

Overall, I think you have a funny concept here, but I fear there might be a few structure issues at hand. Keep chugging along with this, I'd be interested to read more.

Dave Kunz (Level 4)

Enjoyed the opening. The juxtaposition of Memphis' backstory and passion and dreams set against the harsh reality of what life actually brings him was well crafted, particularly the payoff with the toilet bowl. I also liked Memphis' unflagging enthusiasm for acting and marketing himself.

But beyond that things tailed off for me. Some of the dialog was on the nose (e.g. "The best maid a gal could ask for"). The way his audition "crapped out" didn't strike me as believeable. The barroom/buddy scene with Steve came off as just any two guys talking, there was nothing special about them as characters, no reason for me to buy into them and want to keep listening. And the "you look like Tim Roth" card was played two or three more times than necessary.

But my main critique is that Memphis, at this stage, is not an overly sympathetic character. He comes off as whinny and self-pitying ("Why can't I have a career like Tim Roth?"). You've done a good job at making Memphis an active protagonist, but I don't see any reason to care about him if the pursuit of his lifelong dream means the elimination of the real Tim Roth. Your logline states that Memphis "...orchestrates an absurd and desperately misguided plan..." so your challenge as a writer becomes, how to make that line of action compelling and sympathetic...what is there about Memphis that will cause us to cheer him on? At this point, I'm having a hard time seeing a reason to root for him if he goes through with it, because I'd probably root for Tim Roth rather than Memphis.

Spotted several obvious typos.

All-in-all there's a lot of good work here.

David Birch (Level 5)

most of the writing was done very well...i did have some issues with all the "ly" words (sheepishly, delicately)...there frowned on by studio readers...but that's a minor issue...the dialog was the strongest ingredient of the story...liked it...the "tim roth" premise is problematic because it requires the playing of the playing of copyrighted material...unless you own the rights to these movies that's a huge no-no...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

I felt your script is both intriguing and well paced, you were able to scuplt a character in Memphis that a lot of viewers would identify with.
The opening montage is a good idea but needs tidying- would a viewer follow that the kid shown in the various stage productions is the same?
I loved the punctuation provided by Memphis' resemblence to Roth, as if he is freezing under the cover of his shadow, though you do risk alienating people who havn't seen a Tim Roth movie.
"He checks his watch/for the time"- tautology.
The scenes of him cleaning and reciting lines could do with something extra to maintain viewer interest.
"Look a like"- look alike.
Good effort, a bit of housekeeping and this could be a gem!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are a few things I jotted down as I read through your script:

*
Give us a gender for Memphis right off the bat. It’ll help us establish a visual.
*
“…an Actor.” with the toilet bowl. Freaking perfect. Hilarious.
*
As a Shakespeare nerd, I have to ask why you would start at that point in that speech when the line right BEFORE that one seems to be tailor made for this script, saying basically: I don’t want to share my glory with any other man. Just a thought…
*
The PULP FICTION reference may be a little weak for folks who truly don’t know who Tim Roth is. Maybe throw a “stay cool hunny-bunny” reference in there or something?
*
A vital and important note here: the correct spelling is DOUCHEBAG.
*
Little typo on Page 6: “…if we don’t take control OF our destiny…”
*
You will get copious complaints regarding the Mr. Orange reference, I’m afraid. And I’m afraid that I have to agree…I think you’re overestimating the common person’s familiarity with Tim Roth’s resume.
*
A guy with an orange wig on saying “But what about Sundance?” Fantastic.
*
Four Rooms. Guess what I’m going to say.
*
I’m at the top of Page 9 and there’s another “I need that audition” speech and I’m fading. I need some progress in the storyline.
*


Here’s my take…and just know that I LOVED this logline and reading this has done nothing to make me believe that you don’t have the chops to pull it off.

But these first ten pages just seem to drag, I’m afraid.

I would argue this: your first scene where you show Memphis scrubbing a toilet while reciting Henry V tells us practically EVERYTHING we need to know about his character’s current situation. It’s one of those rare and brilliant moments that bring a person’s lot in life into perfect focus in only a few lines. Have FAITH in that. That scene takes place at the end of PAGE ONE and we don’t really learn anything new about his character or situation for the next 9 pages.

Everything you do after that is simply restating that single perfect scene…in a less perfect way. Move forward from that first scene with authority…maybe have him go straight to the “But what about Sundance?” shoot from there. Dive right in.

Also, I think the Tim Roth references need to be visual. You get Roth on screen on page 9 or so…I think it’s important to establish the likeness earlier and give people who don’t really know him a chance to go “oh that guy”…which means getting a picture of him on screen. I fear that the PULP FICTION, MR. ORANGE, and FOUR ROOMS references are going to fly right past the heads of 75% of your audience.

All that said...don’t stop believing in the potential of this script. It has plenty.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I like how you introduced the characters and the plot's purpose. Hope I get to read the rest of this!

Your writing is very active but there are always places we can improve. Example: "He is buttoning it up when a sharp stomach pain distracts him." Consider "A sharp stomach pain distracts him as he buttons his shirt."

"The coin drops." Don't understant this sentence. Probably just me.

"That's a real complement." Think you mean "compliment".

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

You have an interesting story idea. I think it doesn't pop for me yet because some of the dialogue is too on-the-nose and some of the description is too direct. For example, when he tells his friend that he's a married man. When Ashleigh "kisses him sweetly" and from the way she relates to him, it's pretty obvious that they're married. So that's all you need. Or, when you say: "The image is just too much for Steve. He explodes with laughter." I would kill the first sentence here and simply retain the second.

Also, on p. 4, how do we see the sharp pain in his stomach, a pain that doesn't go away? Delete it unless you can make it visual.

And at the end, when Ashleigh says that thing about bumping Tim off. Since this is a huge moment, one that perhaps initiates the action of the rest of the movie, why not make it really shine? And he doesn't even have to say anything, but his expression reveals an immense GONG has gone off, while Ashleigh continues to talk about Zack.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

So far so good! I think the main character's name should be said in the dialogue much earlier, and that Ashleigh's name also needs to be said by someone. The "two times" this week scene is good, but I don't know if the dialogue in which the two men discuss their past sounds natural. If Deedee and her mom are not part of the rest of this film, the maid scene should be shorter.....Good Luck.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I like it very much. I gave you a very good. I would have given you an excellent cause the storyline pulled me in in a very real and charming way, but the spelling and grammar errors kept me from doing that.

Jess Flower (Level 3)

There is some really good stuff in here. Please forgive me because I'm not sure, but if you are from outside the United States make sure your American slang is solid when writing about New Yorkers. There were a few things that sounded like they came from the UK in there. We know that he needs a big break. Somehow he tells us too much. The first time he says it (to an agent?) we need it, but after that you can give us less and we know what he is referring to...

John Brooke (Level 5)

Compelling title that tipped me off that this was a story about acting and was further intrigued by your logline so I was certainly enrolled in your movie. I do enjoy movies about theater, acting and anything about movies so you got me hooked from page on

I enjoyed the gentleness of your voice in telling this “O how tough it is to be in show biz” story. Your dialoges are all natural, smoothly delivered and come across in a humble everyman sort of delivery. Very natural and unaffected.

You have engaged me in caring about Memphis, his career, his family and his life. I care what happens to this guy. You made me care, a wonderful gift for a screenwriter to possess. You make this difficult challenge so simple and unassuming, a triumph of the understatement and there is suction and power in your simple words.

The “Tim Roth” schtick is wonderful and the whole ten pages leave me wanting to see Memphis not only surviving but conquering all before him to waves of applause. Very Good and maybe more.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

This was a good go at it, but it left me feeling as if there's stuff missing in these 10 pages. I think you worked too hard to set up Ashleigh with giving Mitchell the idea for what the rest of the movie will be about. The moments when he's getting the comments from people who feel he looks like Tim Roth come across as unrealistic. Perhaps it's the way they say it...don't know exactly.

The whole spewing of shakespeare ( or whatever that was ) at the beginning was not something that hooked me on. I read ahead just to see what was gonna happen next. I feel you wasted several pages there. The Bathroom/Smelly Doodle moment was the grain of rice that sent the script into cliche-landia.

A Good Attempt, but fell short of entertaining me.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Formatting mistakes are taking your story all over the place like little whammies that are hindering you literary credibility. I don't know but something just seemed odd about the formatting of this script. CAPITALIZE YOUR SIGNS AND CAPTIONS. You're prose could use a little work and your dialogue surprises a little but it needs some polishing.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Loved you ten. I thought your pages were light and fun. Your witty dialog, made me laugh, especially Steve and Memphis' exchange on page 5 - very funny.

a typo on page 3 "with his mobile phone to his hear he talks and eats."

It's very well written too.

I liked how there are no insignificant "who looks at who and in what way" in between the dialog lines. I think that what makes it an easy read. No less than excellent job! Yeah, Tim Roth got to go, agree with your character:)

Kirk White (Level 5)

Well besides your excellent taste in Character Names...this is a great "slice of life" for the actors in the room...the bathroom incident is a great piece of REAL business that ads to the life of this. I love that we're getting a real insider's scoop of what it means to be a working stiff actor (not just the lame "perfect world" actors that always seem to creep up into films like this) Memphis is the real deal. This is my second excellent in a row!!! can't wait to read more.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

An interesting premise. Limited number of characters makes storyline easy to follow.
Clever transition from the recitation, to foamy blue water, to "an Actor."
Acceptable description of Kate, an example of her personality. Bartender probably generic, but would like some description of Steve, Ashleigh, Director Kirk, Bobby the Grip. Clear that Memphis -- memorable name choice -- looks like Tim Roth, but nothing to visualize for Steve, Ashleigh, Kirk, and Bobby. A distinction -- appearance, personality, or voice that differentiates them from each other.
Dialogue somewhat talky. Some funny moments; ie, Steve's retort, "Must be the hair cut," after Memphis' impersonation, and Memphis asking Director Kirk "how much do you need."
Descriptions could use some definition too. Maybe a line or two about what the casting office, dive bar, Memphis and Ashleigh's apartment, and indie film set looks like.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Don't use specific song choices. I don't know them. Doesn't help me. Besides which, you don't want to "force" a studio into using a particular song.

I get all the "Henry V" quotes on page 2. That said, it's still a boring page. He's doing incongruous stuff, but all that talking takes a lot of time.

More specific references (all of which are unnecessary, I think). A "dirty water" dog. I could go look up what it is. A hot dog with toppings, probably. Then why not just say so? ALWAYS use the universally understandable reference (hot dog) instead of the jargon (dirty water dog).

"mouthing his sides" Huh? Do you mean his lines? Is that what a "side" is, a line of dialogue? Or is this just more non-understandable jargon?

"dooshbag". I think you mean "douchebag".

"a like" should be "alike"

All these specific movies! Only deep Tim Roth fans are going to get all of these references. I am not convinced that the high concept for this movie is gonna make it in the marketplace. On its own (without the Roth references), I didn't find it particularly funny, either.

Rating: Fair

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Page 1: The first line is off. It needs to be reworked, and you need to think about how the V.O. will sound over the "raucous" ovation.

When you're using specific dates to leap forward through years, you should use a "SUPERIMPOSE" with the date. I think this is especially important when you're showing a child growing up in a few minutes of screen time.

"Memphis" is a little generic as a person's name. You might want to introduce him as a guy from the beginning. It can be done without being obvious.

I love the visual change from the young Memphis scenes to the toilet bowl being cleaned, and topping that off with lines from Shakespeare... Great juxtaposition.

Bottom of page 3: The "dirty water" dog reference has no meaning to me. I imagine it has something to do with how a street vendor cooks hot dogs, but, does it matter to the story?

The scene where his stomach starts to hurt is written largely for a reader. You need to figure out how to write this using action.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really liked how Memphis' character is revealed through these pages, except the opening. It's weak, and a cop-out to just give a brief retrospective of your character's life rather than revealing what is necessary through actions and conversations with other characters. If you're going to do that, do it with a complete scene at one point of his life, instead of different moments.

I did like the reveal of him working in the toilet, and you could still keep that joke even if it started in the present day with him rehearsing lines. It wouldn't be that strong a moment to an audience - but they would still have a basic understanding of the setup.

I like how the audience has glimpses at different sides of Memphis when he's with different characters. He should develop and be a very strong and interesting character over the rest of this story, which will help when he gets into the more absurd and desperately misguided parts of his plan later on.

You've worked humor and humorous moments into most aspects of the story very well. I particularly liked the image of him wearing an orange wig and trying to be a serious actor. The subtle introduction of the growing obsession with Tim Roth at the end has left me hanging on for more.

Very good.

Maurice Charlot (Level 3)

Tim Roth's a very good guy, has done some great work. I don't know how he'd feel about this script. He might play himself maybe.

Back to business. The script was okay. It didn't get anything extra that some nick picking from everythings he's done, other than that,?

The dialouge is decent and the actions are okay, but the story needs more work.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Well done so far. Best use of VO in the contest! Loved the blue water!

A few random thoughts:

_Pulp Fiction_ is a little old at this point. _Lie to Me_ might be a better choice.

"douche bag"

_Cats_ is a little much for 3rd graders; maybe he's a peapod or the sun or something.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I don't care for the name Memphis. Other than that, I like what I've read so far.

I really like the title and really want to like the script.

Best of Luck.

Michael Heeney (Level 2)

This story reminds me of another movie, which involves a loser who wants to realize his dreams by taking over the life of an extremely specific character actor, where the protagonist quotes Richard the Third, Act 1, Scene 2. Except here, it's a story about a failed actor who also wants to take the place of another extremely specific actor, where the protagonist quotes Henry V, Act 4, Scene 3, while cleaning a toilet bowl. The same, but different.

I'm kind of curious how this turns out, since unlike that other movie which this will instantly remind everyone of, there isn't a plausible plot device in place for Memphis to take over Tim Roth's career. Do they trade places, pauper and prince style? Is it murder? Does he take his face, off? Seriously though, this is kind of premise that only works once, and it isn't redeemed by the writing. The shit motiif is forced, Memphis' anxiety that he ruined his chances at getting a part in a Shakespearian play by dropping a giant deuce is corny, and stories about failed actors are almost as cliche as movies about failed directors.

Why is he waiting in a Hollywood-style casting office to audition for the Suwannee Valley Shakespeare? He should be auditioning on an actual stage, or in someone's basement, if it's theater. Why is douchebag spelled dooshbag?

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

(Title/Logline comments are just observations. No effect on the scoring.)

TITLE: Kind of odd but grabs my attention. Immediately wondering if 'Roth' is just a character name or refers to the real actor. Logline answers it.
LOGLINE: Sounds interesting but long and sort of unfocused. I'm not sure the "faced with eleventh hour of wife's bio clock" is necessary. I may be dumb but I'm not sure what 'doppelganger' means. Also, not sure what a fantasy competition with Tim Roth entails.

STORY:
There is a lot to like in here. The concept is familiar but approached in a unique way. The narrative flows pretty clearly and the dialogue is mostly crisp.
However, I think many good things were cancelled out with too many glaring issues.
The opening seems kind of irregular and I think we still need a FADE IN right at the start. I found Memphis' line rehearsal to be too drawn out. Should be cut in half or even more.
I found the use of star's names (Time Roth, Kirsta Allen) and movie references (Gridlock'd) as a concern. I know it has been done is other films (Being John Malkovich etc.) but I really think it pigeonholes your script and will make it terribly unattractive to sell.
There were some words I just didn't understand. I don't mind this in dialogue because it is part of that character (Ashleigh's 'skutch') but when it is in narrative "shuffles toward the LOO.", it becomes confusing.
I think the 'Tim Roth' references are funny and obviously important but there might be a few too many for only 10 pages.
I also found Memphis to be kind of blah. I think he is a good character but maybe needs one special moment to make him truly likeable.

Although it might not sound like it, I did enjoy these ten pages. I just think a lot of these problems really held the story back from being 'Very Good' or 'Excellent'.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Overall: likeable and an easy read but nothing stands out as exciting or exceptional or unique just yet. First page is cliched with the montage and photos.

The cleaning and line running goes on a bit too long.

The smelly shit scene is not really funny and you repeat it via dialogue in the bar, use one or the other.

Characters: Memphis - he's a nice guy, moans a lot, nothing stands out about him except that he obviously looks like Tim Roth and watches all his films.

None of the other characters are memorable, they're just kind of background filler, even Ashleigh, who as his wife should have a bit more oomph and pizazz to her.

Dialogue: good, natural.

Story: not a lot has happened really, you've set Memphis up as a nice, out of work actor who moans a lot about being out of work and looking like Tim Roth. Nothing has really grabbed me. I think you need to cut and bring your inciting incident forward, something biug should have happened by now to hook the reader in and his response to Ashleigh's line about bumping Tim Roth off could be sarky or serious, we need a bit more.

Notes made during the first read:

"mouthing his sides" - what?? you use 'sides' several times, do you mean lines?

opening lines while he's cleaning too long and pulled me out of the story.

"reviews his sides" - what is this? Do you mean 'lines'?

"take control our destiny" - of our destiny

"ally stabbing" - alley??

"a like!" - alike

"ASHLEIGH
Maybe you should bump him off and
take his place.

MEMPHIS
That's brilliant. Why didn't I think
of that?"

I feel there should be more to this as it's the whole crux of your story. As it stands it's just brushed away with a flip comment.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

You've got a good opening sequence that introduces the character well, and you include several exchanges that exactly get across your focal point - this guy looks like Tim Roth. The finest moment is when he does the "I'm dying!" line, though it would be nice to see a shocked reaction from the rest of the bar, or even applause. (I mean, that line has to be SCREAMED to be right.) Drop the first description that he looks like Tim Roth - your dialogue does your work for you.

Your descriptive language falters a bit throughout. There are some basic spelling mistakes ("douchebag", "bullshit" and "alike" are single words). The grammar on your very first line is all over the place, which is not a good first impression. There ar several awkward turns of dialogue. "My luck is right around the corner" is, I think, a mix of two different idioms. "That DON'T cut it" is out of character bad grammar for Memphis. "The best maid a GAL could ask for" sounds like 1955. And most of the second page is filled up with a LOT of Shakespeare, with no payoff.

The weakness of the ten pages is that your big conflict basically boils down to an awkward bathroom moment. This guy has so many things going against him in his career - he's out of work, he's not very good (suggests the opening sequence), and, of course, he looks exactly like Tim Roth. Any of these problems, or all, could conspire to take him down. Instead, we've got a somewhat uninspired poop joke. It's major flaw is that it's got nothing to do with his character. It's basically an unfortunate accident (please no pun intended). The first big problem he faces must outline his whole problem: namely, that his career is going nowhere because of his very nature.

I hope these comments are helpful, and good luck in the competition.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Love the title. The opening is completely charming and draws me in. Fantastic transition to the toilet bowl. Immediately sets the 'tone' of the piece. Great work. I thought you really slowed the momentum by having Memphis's character 'rehearse' so many lines. It's practically a page. I think that could be trimmed. The casting office scene worked for the most part. You write quick, short action descriptions and I turned pages quickly. Kept me engaged in the set up. I saw it coming that the Agent was the Woman but it works to establish empathy for our hero. The scene in the dive bar was also a little 'talky.' The dialogue itself wasn't bad but we didn't need some of it. Ashleigh's scene was OK. From your logline I expected a bit more conflict up front but I think you've established her arc starting point and we'll watch the sparks fly later. Overall, I think this was a solid entry. You have a compelling lead character and I'll enjoy watching him navigate the minefield that is his life. I am ranking each script personally to arrive at my top own Top 10. Your ranking is: In my Top Ten.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

I love the title. The log line to me could be much leaner.

As for your ten page entry, I must say I really enjoyed it.

Right off the bat, you have Memphis with a voiceover, but I don't know how old he is when he's speaking. Is he the 7 yr old? 11 year old?

I get it at the end of page 1, he's 35.

Not sure you need the voiceover, maybe you could just show Memphis enjoying himself on the stage. But the voiceover works well when you fade in to the bathroom. Well done.

I'm sorry, I'm not sure what "mouths his sides" means or "reviews his sides".

I liked the scene of him coming out of the bathroom! You could feel the tension.

The Steve/Memphis dialog is well done as well.

There's a few mispellings in here- but I'm not going to mark down for them. "Ally" should be "alley".

Not sure what a "loo" is.

I think you have put together a good setup here. There are a couple of funny parts, and I think you could make it even funnier.

Go a bit further in the scenes. Maybe have Memphis drop his cellphone into the toilet. Make him REALLY struggle. Lets see his life being REALLY shitty.

Show him really frustrated. He's too nonchalant.

I am familiar with Tim Roth. When I see him, I know who he is, just cant think of his name. I would suspect you may get comments like, "who's tim roth"? or "someone may not know who tim roth is"...I would understand those comments, but I wouldn't agree. I would stick with your story as you have it. You may have to spell it out for the reader though. Maybe have Memphis tell us who Tim Roth is.

I enjoyed the ten pages very much and would love to read the next ninety. Good luck.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

There is a certain charm and appeal that I find very attractive in your script.

Also, anyone who has Shakespeare and uses Henry V aptly in a script, makes him a favorite in my book.

The dialog's are witty, brilliant and compliment the terse descriptions which are punchy in response to the situation.

The opening scenes are visually cool and serve as great foreshadowing for things to come and set a genre.

A few scenes seemed slightly long, like the one in the bar, but overall I can't help but not want to read more.

One of my favorites.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

The two areas that I rate in this contest that carry the most weight are whether or not the first 10 pages are a compelling beginning and does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline.

Does it have a compelling beginning? Yes. You very quickly set the scene and move through the backstory to get to Memphis' state of mind. You don't have any scenes that aren't relevant to the larger story and your focus is on moving it forward. You introduce the pertinent characters but you don't dwell on them. Very good.

Does it have an inciting incident? I would say more inciting incidents. It seems like several small things are building to the point where change is made and a new direction begun.

Is there a theme stated? Yes. This is the first screenplay I've reviewed that actually states a theme. Very good!

Does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline? So far, so good. You've established that he's struggling, that his wife is obsessed with a baby that is just learning to walk and you've introduced the theme that he has to make his future or someone else will. You've also introduced the idea that he needs to get rid of Tim Roth. You do it all with a dose of humor and realism in your dialog.

Other comments: I scored this one an excellent. I'm not a fan of VO but I think you handle it well and kept it to a minimum.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is great. Great idea, great logline, and the first ten pages are developing nicely. The characters are believable and likable. The story (so far) is believable and interesting. The dialogue is great. I don't really have any constructive suggestions for you. I can't wait to read the rest of the script. (And when you sell it, you won't even have to worry about casting your lead.)

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

Someone obiviously likes the very talented and underrated Mr. Tim Roth. The originality is there and the characterization for the lead is forming into something pretty good. I like the story.

There are a few typos and everything else is pretty spot on. Its a tight and easy read. Hope you make it to the top ten.

Keep up the good work.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3)

" Tim Roth Has Gotta Go" doesn't have to in my book. Its a look into this struggling actors life that looks similar to Tim Roth. Alright script but its repeatitve already within the first ten pages.

"Hey your that guy" and he watches everything he's done. Someone likes Tim Roth I believe.

The character is fine the formatting is also the story needs a little more work.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I really like the idea and I could picture Tim Roth saying the lines. It's one of those crazy ideas, like 'Being John Malkovich' that sound implausible when you first hear them but the more you think about it the better the idea sounds. Kudos for the premise, it is a winner.

With the first ten pages I think you spent a little too long with Memphis rehearsing his lines. Sure you've gotto set him up as an actor but I just think one, maybe two shots of that would be better. Also, with the rehearsal I think you need to say if this guy can act or not. is his attempts in vain or does he have real talent. Tweo complete different scenes if the guy is rubbish than if he's the next Brando.

I do like how the voice over works and how it totally goes against what is on screen when he proclaims that finally he is "... an Actor.". I thought that was funny and sets the theme for the film up nicely.

One thing I suggest is to have a chance encounter with Tim Roth during the first ten pages. Maybe instead of his wife suggesting he bump Tim off, Tim Roth himself makes the joke. They meet in a bar and bystanders are saying how alike they are. Tim Roth then says how shit his life really is and jokes "Hey man, you wanna take my place? Give me a day off!" Or something along those lines.

I did really like this but I just would have liked you to have got to the main stuff during these ten pages.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

The title tries hard to be cute/inventive - but that's just it - it's TRYING. But it isn't.

As for the logline, it's written well... but the idea just has such an echo of Being John Malcovich combined with other "dopplganger" flix that it just leaves me dead flat.

The opening, aside from formatting and stylistic mistakes, simply goes too fast.

You don't open a script with "BLACK", then show these far too quick scenes, THEN have FADE IN. It seems to me to be the kind of "trying to be unique" formatting that is better left to people who do that better. Stick to what people expect and make the story the focus - not the formatting.

Question: How many people are going to know who Tim Roth is, anyway? You're hitching your wagon to an actor (a good one, sure) who isn't really a household name. His biggest projects (in my opinion) are Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs and Rob Roy. Other than that, most of his stuff isn't on the map. I think you should pick a more internationally famous actor.

What are "sides"? Are they lines? If so, just say lines. I don't know what sides are, so it took me out of the story.

I like the bathroom scene and the scene with Steve. That all sounds real and was funny. Steve has a much stronger voice than Memphis. You might want to be careful. Side characters are often funnier, but they can't take over. Steve rules that scene.

Uh oh, problem. You have an entire page dedicated to the bartender talking about Mr. Orange and "the line". I know it's from Reservoir Dogs, but while that movie is good, I don't hear people quote it at all... ever. This entire page hinges on that one line. Again... Roth isn't famous enough for a movie to be made around him.

Oh... just figured out that you're a Brit (use of the word "loo"). That explains using Roth, who is also a Brit. This might work in the UK, but my comments above stand.

I like Ashleigh.. nicely written... but what the heck is a "skutch"? I can infer what it is... but use a word everyone will know.

Problem: When Ashleigh jokingly suggest Memphis bump off Tim Roth, Memphis just immediately goes for it. Now I don't know if he's joking at first and will (in later pages) be driven to it... but the way you present it, he just takes to it. No description showing his reaction... his eyes calculating... nothing. It's like you realized that the end of Page 10 was at hand and you wanted to get that bit in. I think that was a mistake.

Now after reading all of the comments above, you probably think I don't like this.

Wrong.

I do like it. I think you know how to write and that the story, the relationships... all of it feels pretty real. There are problems, but when AREN'T there problems, right? You'll fix what needs fixing.

You're on the right track... and I think this will move on to the next level... but I think you need to change - right now - to a more well known actor.

Young... old... it doesn't matter a ton. The idea is good. If you want a UK actor with lots of 'quote worth' movies... choose John Cleese or Alan Rickman. Yes... Rickman! Plenty of quotes and movies and such. Or Ewan McGregor !

Anyway... hope you aren't too chagrined by my comments. I think the idea has potential and you have the skills to make it work. Keep on it.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I think this is very good. Don't have too much to say. You seem to set up your story well (I only say "seem" because I don't know the rest of the story). You got a laugh on the first page, which is good (the juxtaposition of him saying he's an actor while showing him clean a toilet).

The toilet scene/audition scene(him having to go to the bathroom, then having the woman come in right after him was funny, but it struck me a little random. Like it didn't quite fit with the flow of the story, but that might just be me. I like how you keep having people think he's Tim Roth. If anything I think you could go further with that, having even more people mistake him for it. One thing I'll say is I was expecting him to faux-sing "I'm going to be OK" when he's asked to "Say the words" (that might be my favorite exchange in that movie).

I wrote the note that the scene on page 6 between he and Steve might be a little too "on the nose." I think it could be made to be a little more organic, though I do like the "Which is why all I need to do is find those someones" line.

Then on page 10, I think Memphis' "That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?" line could use some stage-direction or indication of what his tone is. It's unclear if he really thinks it's a good idea or if he's being sarcastic.

But other than those points, I think it's really good and would want to read the rest.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

Title: Like it, its modern and fresh.

Logline: Funny, I like it and want to know more.

Story Overall: Easy read - plenty of white space. Great funny opening!
Ahhaa, I had to look up who Tim Roth was.. I get it MORE now.
(How bizarre, I stopped reading and got some Juicy Juice Juice from my fridge
came back and started to read again and their it was in the script! Whoa -
okay - back to the script)

On His nose twists up...the room stinks. I would drop the "the room stinks."
unless the film will be in smell-o-vision :-)
Your descriptions before and after suffice.

The only thing, as a director, that worries me about this screenplay / film, is getting the *Actual* Tim to play Memphis, otherwise good luck finding a doppelganger that would fit the look-alike part!

I LOVE the part where Memphis pulls out his wallet to offer to keep the film he's in financed LOL!

The last page didn't drive the story forward as much as I would like it to have in the ten-page-section of this competition, but, I get that you were foreshadowing the grief he will be facing from his Baby-craving wife. Yet, the story itself had so much momentum that I definitely want to see what happened next. So I say Job well done EXCELLENT!

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Impressions while I read:

Like the opening, setting up the love of acting works well with the Voice Over.

Monica - "The best maid a gal could ask for". It seems as though Memphis has been cleaning for her for some time, why would she mention Tim Roth? She would have mentioned that before -- felt a bit out of place. Besides, we know he looks like Tim Roth.

Comments Made After the Contest

Tommy Merry (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2009 12:04 AM

Austin, you were robbed - I really thought of, and rated this as one of my faves. Love to read the whole thing when your finished.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2009 1:10 AM

I loved this one too. It had a great sense of humor and I was really looking forward to reading the rest of it. I hope you finish it (if you haven't already).

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 6/1/2009 3:00 AM

Only an actor could have written this one. I thought it was fantastic. And I hope there's a "Legend of 1900" reference in there too.

Tim roth would be perfect in this part. :)

Kirk White (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2009 12:02 PM

you know this is some of your best stuff...so finish it and let's make the mother father, you soxy blitch. by the way....you know you kinda remind me of that guy on the new TV show, Lie to Me...what's his name?

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 6/1/2009 12:12 PM

This was for sure one of my favourites - certainly the one that should have made it and didn't, in my book.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4) ~ 6/1/2009 2:30 PM

This was one of my excellents. I am surprised it didn't move on and sad because I was looking forward to reading it! I hope you finish it if you already haven't.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator) ~ 6/3/2009 5:24 AM

Austin, I really wish this script would have advanced. As I said in my review, I had you in my personal Top Ten and I'm hopeful that you'll share more of this screenplay with me if you have it or finish it. I thought for sure it would move on and I'm confident that you'll do something with it. Best of luck!

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 6/3/2009 4:58 PM

someone voted "poor" on this!? wtf...this should have moved on to the next round.