Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Just a few format and spelling errors. This are easy fixes and something I usually skip if the story jumps out at me.

Emeric wasn't capped the first time.

'foetal position' should be 'fetal.'

Susan not capped first time on screen.

This idea has been done quite a few times so the idea itself doesn't grab me. One of the characters Janine is just given a description of 'a secretary type' (if she's going to be a character in the story you will want to give her a better description that that.)

Since she didn't appear in the rest of the ten pages I don't know what her role in the story will be, but if Janine doesn't play a role in the story then I wouldnt even name the character or even explaining anything about her character. She's just a secretary and that's it.

The bit in the bathroom where he couldn't see his reflection was interesting.

I don't really have any emotional connection to Dave at this point though. He's jerk to the one person who is trying to be nice to him. I'm not really upset that Susan wants to leave him. I undeerstand that he will change wit his arc but guive him at least one redeeming quality at the start.

As I stated before this story line has been done to bits so you have to raise the bar and bring something completely original to the table. Right now, I don't see it. Not to say with some work it could get better. Good luck with it.

Andrew Allen (Level 3)

First off, this surely had to to be the winner of the logline contest - simply superb.

This was a lovely little script. You have clearly paced it well, and the structure is no doubt in place. It has left me wanting more, and this is quite tough to do!

There is a nagging little feeling, however, that it reminds me of something already filmed, but for the life of me, I can't think what it is - although, I inevitably think 'Ghost' with a touch of 'Drop Dead Fred'.

Absolutely nothing wrong with the writing, and I think any criticisms will be largely based on personal taste - I loved this line, btw: "Little minx, hiding like that."

Dave feels a little generic in the office and like a '90s Kevin Smith character, but he did grow on me.

Good opening and I hope to read the whole thing. I am not being dramatic when I say that thus far, this one has production potential. There is a wide possible appeal to this script, however, I do fear that its allure is very now, so hopefully you won't miss the boat with getting it made.

It surely has enough to go to the next stage.

Nice work.

Andrew

Austin Jones (Level 4)

This is GREAT! I love this twist on this idea and I can't wait to read more. Great dialogue. Great set up as to who this loser is. Love where it is going. I guess I kinda wanted there to me more to his death than there was. I understand that he causes it by his actions but it seemed deflated like his bad luck should have been really bad like his building falling in or something unexpected. It has a very Heavenly Kid feel to it and I loved that movie! Very funny dialogue also. I hope you move on so I can read more. Great idea here. I did have a thought and I'm sure you heard this one already but have you thought about "A Matter of After-life and Death?" Maybe it’s a bad idea but just a thought. Best of luck!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The pacing is great. Descriptions and dialogue are solid. The characters are entertaining. The plot is unique and refreshingly original. The dark comedic genre is established early and reinforced throughout. I did notice a few typos. Overall, I'd say this was a very solid read and if it were longer, I'd keep on reading without a second thought. You started strong, ended on a nice cliffhanger and managed to introduce us to many of the main characters in a just 10 pages. Well done.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Before I start - this is one of those loglines and titles that really made me want to see the screenplay.

I found these pages amusing but...amorphous. I wasn't that clear what was going on, the characters had no depth, but it tickled me enough, just enough, to want to know how it would proceed. I think, though, it's largely carried along by your flare for smart lines and I wonder if this could be sustained to make a workable plot for 100-120 pages?

Some notes made as I read:

A huge bunch of flowers arrives into the office - on its own? This is poorly phrased. A shame for your first sentence.

Emeric should be capitalised when first introduced.

Dialogue between Emeric and Dave - long and perhaps not entirely driving the plot forward? You have a real gift for funny dialogue - but sometimes I feel it's used just for smart lines...not for anything else. Is this a problem? I don't know.

He’s got morning-after-mouth. He’ll have to open his eyes. Nothing there to spew. Odd... - these are details we can't see on screen - you're TELLING us things, not showing us.

"Okay so I’m having an out of body experience...no that’s horse crap...I’m still asleep? Having a breakdown? I can’t be."!- Sometimes, it's not natural when people talk to themselves - this is one of those times.

Three efficient taps. Then four aggressive BANGS. - Why did you capitalise BANGS and not taps? I find capitalising annoying, inconsistent capitalising even MORE annoying :)

Gilmore Girls?

You know they all die in the last
episode. A fire at the inn. Whole
town's toast.
No sound from inside.
INT. DAVE'S FLAT
Dave still struggles to get a grip on the door.
DAVE
They would never kill Rory!!

I simply don't understand the above section or its relevance to the plot.

Who IS Ernest? I haven't a clue. There's no explanation of him when he appears, apart from his appearance.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Alright I can get over that strange form of English you are using. This is a delightful tale of the dead. Sort of like 'Dead Like Me' except they match make. Ok, before I wrote that last line I was thrilled to read more, but then it hit me that this isn't that original, but you know what I loved 'Dead Like Me' and I'll probably love this too. I expect to be reading the full screenplay next. Oh, and great writing by the way.

Note:
- It's 'INT. DAVE'S SHITHOLE - KITCHEN - DAY
- Page 9 Dave's dialog 'So, if I am dead, why am I in a diner watching..'
- Don't italicize. bold. underline, etc. anything.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

First, I have to say, this logline is brilliant. I could totally picture this playing at the local movie theater.

I really liked this a lot. Dave is a wonderful character. I love his acerbic sense of humor. The quirky dialogue throughout is great.

My only concern is that this story overall is reminding me a lot of the movie "Ghost Town" (which I liked quite a bit). Still it feels similar enough that it might be tough for your story to stand out in the marketplace.

Still, your craft is great and this was a very fun read and I hope I get to read more.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I liked your story idea, and your logline, however, it took a long time to get things moving. It wasn't until page six, where Dave discovers he's dead that things actually get rolling. In my opinion, that's too long... You run the risk of loosing the reader before then, especially if things start off slowly.

A couple of observations.

Character intros... When you first introduce EMERIC, you did not put his name in all caps. Emeric is described as, "endearing sci-fi fan glows,". What exactly is this? Instead of telling the reader he is an endearing sci-fi fan, show show it. What is he wearing, how is he acting, what can the audience see that they can determine he is a sci-fi fan?

Description/Action lines... Way too heavy. I think you can cut most of it down, and still say the same thing. It's all about keeping it lean for a fast read. Instead of saying, "Emeric does an understanding smile.", say Emeric smiles. That's good enough. Also, keep things in the present tense, get rid of the "ly's", the "ings", etc.

Dialoge... Not bad, but still a bit on the rough side. No big deal, just needs a good once over, but there was a fair amount of on-the-nose dialogue. Avoid things like, "Come baaaack". Spell it correctly, and thow in a brief description if it's needed.

Continuity... Here's something that jumped out at me the second I read it. When Dave discovers he's dead he goes into the bathroom for the second time. He closes and locks the door. Okay... no problem, BUT... When Susan comes knocking on the the door, suddenly, Dave can't get ahold of the door to open it. Again, nit-picky stuff, but nonetheless, it's noticable. You want to minimize these sort of things to keep your reader engaged in your story, not the distractions.

Overall, not bad. I would try to find something that hooks the reader right from page one if you can. Perhaps moving Dave's death scene up to the first page. Just think of all the questions the reader will have trying to figure out what's going on with the divorce, office situation, etc. If that's not engaging, I don't know what is.

Still a Good Job!

David Birch (Level 5)

most of the writing was delivered at a high level...one format error was the non-cap of emeric on pg. 1 (no biggie)...my primary complaint would be that the story, while well written, moved a little slow...i would have liked to see more back story concerning the divorce...that said, this is the first one so far (and i'm over a third of the way into the que) that i would actually like to see more of...so good luck on the vote...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

Very funny stuff! Dave's acerbic wit is consistently humerous throughout, I laughed on more than one occasion! I would have perhaps liked to see more build up before the moment Dave dies, to get more of an idea of his character whilst he's still in the land of the living. Emeric needs capitalisation on the first page. I loved the celestial mouth to mouth scene, would look very funny on screen. A great little screenplay!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Here are the notes I jotted down as I was reading your script:

*
Nice interaction between the two cubicle-slaves.
*
“…there’s only so long I can allow you to suckle on the
teat of this company’s kindness, if you catch my wave.” Great line from the smarmy boss a-hole.
*
Use (filtered) for voices heard on the phone, not (O.S.).
*
BRUTALLY excellent outgoing voice message for Susan.
*
Picking the fly out of the beer then drinking it: a disgustingly pathetic (AWESOME character) move.
*
Funny scene…giving himself mouth-to-mouth. Surreal and funny.
*
You made need even just one more little quip to introduce Ernest. I know his name is capitalized, but you still bring him in like we should know who he is. We just need a little more formal introduction. Along those same lines, remember that this is the first scene where we actually get to see Susan LIVE and in REAL LIFE. A little more formal introduction of her is probably warranted. She’s important!
*
“They would never kill Rory!!” I know nothing about Gilmore Girls other than the fact that it’s a TV show that I never watched…and this exchange is still hilarious to me.
*
“Oh come on? One tear?” This is such a sad and brilliant moment. It makes me pull for Dave so much. It worries me though. Susan becomes REALLY unlikeable in this scene. Do I need to see something likeable (even something tiny!) in her if I’m going to enjoy the rest of this movie? Something to be aware of.
*
Dave seems to take the appearance of Ernest in stride. Should he be shocked that Ernest can see him?
*
“Let’s go get some hashbrowns, Steve.” Funny.
*
“…are you just going to smile like a retard…” Wayyyy too abrasive. This line is a very different Dave than we have seen thus far. Cut it.
*
I don’t understand the diner. Ernest can be SEEN and can TOUCH things? I think the “transformed” line is supposed to cover this, but it’s not enough for dumb ol’ me.
*
The writing style in this diner scene is so different than the pages preceding it that I’m guessing this comes from a different person (is this a writing partnership?), or you were in a really BAD mood when you wrote it. The Dave in this scene is really snide and abrasive and pushy. Not the same guy from the beginning of the script at all.
*
The introduction of the whole “Hand of Fate” thing is a little jarring. I feel like it comes out of nowhere…not smoothly.
*


I really enjoyed pages 1-8 of this script IMMENSELY. Dave is such a likeable, genuinely pathetic guy that I just want him to be better and WIN, and that is HUGE to bring out those kind of feelings in your audience.

I thought the humor was on the edge, but not the SHOCK humor that people fall back on these days. You created some really great moments, with some nice visuals.

And then, for me at least, it all fell apart in the diner. Suddenly Dave is having this really aggressively rude conversation with some guy he’s never met. He’s talking very nonchalantly about his situation which is WAYYYY OUT THERE.

I don’t know…like I said, it literally feels like a different person wrote the last two pages.

All in all, I’m willing to chalk those last two up to a minor hiccup, and I can’t wait to read the rest of this one. Overall, I really like your writing style and can easily imagine breezing through 100 pages of it.

Good luck!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I love the script. Can't wait to find out what happens next!

Page 1: A huge bunch of flowers arrives into the office. Since the slug-line says OFFICE, "into the office" can be cut.

Page 1: Only write what can be filmed. How do you film "endearing sci-fi fan"? Is he wearing a Spock mask?

Page 5: "He plops himself down on a tatty chair." Consider instead: "He plops on a tatty chair." "Himself down" is redundant.

I love the scene where he starts to realize he is dead!

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Though the premise and logline are good, and much of the dialogue was catchy, the piece, as written so far, doesn't work for me. I was with you until the Ernest scenes at the end. Then I kind of lost you. First, when you introduce Ernest, I have no clue as to who he is - he doesn't say or do anything in that scene (except pace and check his watch). I think you shouldn't introduce him until he does something significant.

There are a few other story elements that either were confusing or could be elevated:

1. Why does Mike call Dave 'Steve'? It seemed like that was the name he'd be called after he died?
2. Dave's intro ("unwilling office worker/adult") puzzles me. Why "/adult"?
3. On p. 4, "bedsit"? Do you mean bedroom set?
4. I would have liked to have seen Celeste do something more to Dave than just jab him and mark her sheet. Have her do something funny and/or visually impactful to ensure that he's dead and you'll have a great scene.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

You've got quite a few misspellings in there.

I'm guessing you wanted Mike's character to be kind of an oddball, but that wasn't really clear. It just seemed kinda confusing. Particularly when he called Dave by the wrong name. Maybe it would help if you add some lines in there by Dave about how that guy always messes things up.

Not bad overall.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was a fun start. The pacing was a little uneven, it felt a bit too slow, and yet rushed at the same time. Some of the jokes (like "Steve" and the khaki crotch) felt pretty clammy, but others were quite funny (I liked the "Gilmore Girls" gag).

I think the comic tone was pretty strong here, although you wavered a couple times. His death was a little too realistic for the premise, I think. I think more comical, and less messy, less realistic death would fit better.

It felt a little rushed to bring in his death and recruitment so early. Perhaps that was just due to the ten page limit, but I would expect that around the Act I break. I'd like a little more time to get to know Dave, and to find some reasons to like him. As it is, he's just depressed and pathetic. Also, it's not clear up front what Dave wants out of life.

Ernest is a funny character, but it feels too convenient for him to just show up and explain everything. I don't have any suggestions -- but find some fresh way to get across the rules of his new situation. And the whole dead-end job thing seems too familiar, why not give him a more interesting job (maybe an actual headhunter) and make him LOVE his job, and great at it -- that would make his death a much more disruptive change.

John Brooke (Level 5)

It sure is a shock the first time you discover yourself dead, but by then it is usually to late to change your lifestyle.

This Dave character is proving himself to be an overbearing, opinionated anal-retentive controlling egomaniac baggage lugging prick.

I have no sympathy for him, but he is a foul mouthed funny bastard, and I just have to read on to discover the matter of love and death like you promised in your title.

Here goes, your story was lurching along in stand-up comedic style even going through the death throes and all when suddenly a part way down page six a new player ERNEST appears without even a warning or an introduction.
This was a puzzling surprise for, knocking my off my game as I had to search through the script to check that I hadn’t somehow missed this guy. I hadn’t! Now the next name is Susan, I had read about a Susan, she maybe the recorded voice on the telephone that Dave received. Hold it, she is all lower case and is being described in the action line unlike that ERNEST character who got no introduction.

Yah, I may be dense but I don’t this nonsequitur from SUSAN: “You know they all die in the last episode. A fire at the inn. Whole town’s toast.” This comment just hangs out there but it seems to illicit another non-sequiter from Dave’s Ghost: “They would never kill Rory!” what they hell are they talking about?

Then things get a little confused because there is little direrentiat the two Daves. There is a Dave dead on the floor and a Dave running around animate and speaking.

Oh, oh Ernest is back, heck he is some sort of angel guide who seems as confused as me, calling Dave, Steve.

A diner, perfect, this is the best place to get the meaning of life. Now your story is really getting going. I’m enjoying the give and take dialog between Dave and Ernest, wonderful stuff. Very imaginative and moving.

You sure left me dangling on the bottom of page ten, damn.

Your script has all kinds of visible possibilities and it is a compelling story. There is a lot of interest about life after death and many stories, books, poems, paintings and films have been made about the subject. I believe this amusing approach would have a good chance of developing into a comedy worth watching kitchen sink, grunge humor and all.

Damn I shall have to read through it several more times. First impression: a load of irresponsible muck. Guess I’ll have another go when my sensibilities have recovered.

They did and I woke up and discovered your good stuff here.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Dave is a funny guy. It's not supposed to be funny when people die, but the way he reacted to his corpse and then Susan's reaction to the corpse (Oh, Come on, just one tear...LOL!!!) was completely hilarious...well done.

I can see a good Rom-Com in the making, but I fear that the main character will be left out of the Happily Ever After at the end of the script. It will be interesting to see how's it all gonna shape out. Is Emeric a girl or a boy? Hard to discern.

Good writing so far. Keep up the great work and I look forward to reading the remainder of this script. Very Good.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

I got to say I'm already not a fan of the title seems a little corny and borrowed. Even for a romantic comedy. Dude this is absolutely not funny... to me. Work on your timing and your wording. Comedy unlike drama has alot to do with odd funny statements but you shouldn't make it look like you are trying to hard because that's what it looks like.

Most important of all try for godsake to come up with something original. Don't use something like dick and balls and it doesn't fit there. If it doesn't fit the puzzle its not good. The worst part of this script is the dialogue it just doesn't read like a conversation it just reads llke random flat jokes to illicit a chuckle. Your description/action meanders along like a cow chewing its cud. Yaaawn. Cmon homey odd words that may work instead of dick and balls.

Testicles
fried balls
genitals

You got a good idea but the content is not executed well. Make it sound like a conversation and shorten the first few scenes extremely confusing and not that important to moving your story along.

Khamanna Iskandarova (Level 5)

Obviously you are a very skillful writer - nice descriptive, good visuals, witty dialog, good pacing.

It's a good two dimensional story (meaning in a good way; as opposed to one). You've shown his life before and after death, we see his goal in life which is to get his wife back (perhaps, right?) I don't feel so much for Dave though. Maybe it's because I know so little about him: he's not romantic and he loves Susan, that's all. Also, I would want a little more conflict and proactivity from him. He doesn't do much to get her back. If he did he could have gotten himself in funny situation with Susan, I think.

From page 6 on - it's Dave realizing and making peace with the fact that he's dead. Excellent narrative, but there's been so many movies that follow the same routine (he's a ghost and he won't believe it)... I'm sure movies like this will still be made and the same tactic preserved, but when you read one you can't wait till that part is over. Or maybe it's just me.

I can't disregard all the good (in my opinion) aspects of it. The goal is clear, you did not waste your words, managed to show life before and after death...

I was focusing so much on the things that didn't appease me that forgot to mention - it's very funny at places. I appreciated very much "they would never kill Rory" and most of the Susan's lines .

Kirk White (Level 5)

this is a definate contender! very clever reads fast and you quickly establish not only a fantastic protagonist but some very well defined supporting characters as well. My first excellent! can't wait to read more.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Drat. I tried to read beyond page ten, and there was nothing. Hashbrowns, Susan watching trash tv over Dave's dead body, and Ernest. Read a couple times, just cause. These pages were really funny!
Catchy title -- hoping for a story that lived up to it, and got it.
Characters interesting, complete, with a little something different that made them stand out.
Dialogue is snappy, concise, and fit character's personaes.
Description is complete, and not overdone.
Needed to Google: "See you next Tuesday," World of Warcraft, and "on the cards." Good use of trendy idioms and an "MMORPG." Only time resorting to Google and Wikipedia did NOT impede the read.
Thanks for the giggles.
Really looking forward to this completed screenplay.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

The very first dialogue is surprisingly coarse. You probably meant it to shock, but it comes across as a not-so-good way to start a movie, especially one that's billed as a comedy. The vulgarity just sounds so bitter.

Dave is our hero? Not once on page 1 has he said anything remotely interesting, likeable, lovable, or attractive. If I'm gonna watch this guy for 100 minutes, he'd better give me some sort of hint at a watchable character. He just ticks me off. I'm not supposed to be ticked off in a comedy. I'm supposed to root for a fundamentally lovable, albeit flawed, character. Dave has all the flaws without the fundamentals.

The humor is really forced, with the boss somehow forgetting his name, being crude, and accepting backtalk all within the same page. Too much. It's just not funny.

I'm coming to the conclusion that perhaps this was never intended as a comedy. Which is disappointing. This has great comedic potential, but it's reading like a bitter, vindictive, coarse drama, which holds very little interest for the majority of the movie-going public.

The last couple pages salvage a bit of your logline.

Ernest is not properly introduced: age, etc.

Susan is strong enough to break the chain? Stretches believability.

Susan walking through Dave has been done a million times, most recently in "Ghost Town". You need a description that will make your CGI stunt stand out from the rest. In fact, "Ghost Town" contains a lot of the concepts that show up in your script, as well, so you'll really need to differentiate yourself from it: the guy who has to learn the rules of ghosts, etc.

I'm sorry. The main character is foul-mouthed and utterly revolting, and I haven't been "hooked" into wanting to read more about his life. The comedic bits are not funny, they are simply vulgar. The high concept, as promised by the logline, still attracts my interest, but the execution is disappointing at best.

Rating: Fair

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I think I'd start this with "A DELIVERY MAN arrives with a huge bunch of flowers. He presents them to JANINE..." Something like that. You're using a lot of words you don't really need in this opening.

At the top of page 2 "Dave rolls back..." instead of "He rolls back..." After Emeric's dialogue it sounds like he's the "he."

You don't use consistant scene headings. Saying "BATHROOM" or "SITTING ROOM" isn't enough. Dave entering the bathroom from the sitting room isn't one smooth scene. You break from him walking toward the bathroom to him looking (or not looking) at his face in the mirror. It needs a full scene heading. Same thing going back to the sitting room.

Lovely goosebumps on the fly in the drink! Absolutely great visual!

Some spelling errors - "own" should be "down" when Daves looking down on his body, for example. The English as opposed to American spellings are fine with me, though.

All in all, I'm really liking this story, but it needs some formatting adjustments.

Good work.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I thought the logline was good, but had the potential to be made into a really clichéd romantic comedy, which I would then have no interest in seeing.

So the first thing I should mention is that what I feared didn't happen. I really liked Dave's and the other characters' cynicism about love and the world. I only hope Dave doesn't change completely during the story - his bluntness is what's appealing about his character.

For some of the character introductions I understood what you meant but they didn't really work: "secretary type", "office worker/adult", and "endearing sci-fi fan". If she's a secretary, then she's a secretary, not a secretary type. If she's not a secretary type, what is she? Likewise with "adult" (you already say he's 30), and "sci-fi fan". The last one is not relevant to his character, and also kind of demeaning if you are trying to stereotype sci-fi fans. If you wanted a similar effect, you could use something like "geek", which has more cultural relevance.

I would think that angels/heaven would have better ways of detecting dead people than kicking them. I could make a similar complaint about A Matter of Life and Death (I noticed you borrowed most of the title as well as a few story elements), which is a movie I quite like, but in that movie heaven works on a system, even if we're never sure how it does.

Overall it was funny and original in the way the story was handled if not the actual story itself.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Good stuff. I enjoyed this. I got a bit of an Office Space vibe in the first few pages, especially Dave's interaction with Mike.

You did a good job setting up your central conflict and introducing some interesting characters in just 10 pages. There's enough here for me to want to keep reading and I got a few chuckles.

My one criticism is that it feels a little familiar or even formulaic. That's not necessarily a bad thing with comedy and it may even make it more marketable, but I had a sense that I could feel the beats coming and the characters feel somehow expected esp Emeric the sci-fi geek sidekick and Mike, the head-up-his-ass boss character.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

So far, so good. Story is clearly written and makes sense. Scenes are a good length. I'm not sure I caught the purpose of Mike's appearance, though. I like that Dave can't see his reflection in the mirror--it's a nice visual clue to his death. Ernest is an interesting character so far.

Thanks for sharing; I'm looking forward to reading more.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

GOOD

I had very high hopes for this one, but it didn't quite meet my expectations --yet.

My biggest complaint is that the all characters are so un-likeable. They have caustic personalities. I really think is would play better with a more light-hearted approach. However, I may change my mind once I read it in its entirety.

It needs a little work, but I do want to read more.

Michael Heeney (Level 2)

I loved a lot of the lines - "They would never kill Rory!" got a big chuckle - and the repeat of "Never.Drinking.Again". The set-up caught my attention, mostly because I can relate to the characters. Even though comedies about dead people in general are kind of cliche, this was fresh enough to overcome it, and it had a great sense of absurdist satire. Would have liked more characterization of Emeric's, because his only purpose right now is to be a concerned foil for Ernest. And if you're gonna make a WoW reference, make a specific one to appeal to the 7 million people who've actually played it - "Night elves don't count" - or something like that :P.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

(Title/Logline comments are just observations. No effect on the scoring.)

TITLE: Good title. I like the clever play on the well known phrase.
LOGLINE: Also very good. We get the main character and conflict along with a catchy hook that brings out the comedy genre.

STORY:
You hit on the premise of the logline. This beginning gets the ball rolling. While, I did like your choice of scenes, I think there were a lot of missteps in the execution.
I found the narrative to lack any real punch. The descriptions came off very wooden and too direct in describing the action.
A few character descriptions were awkward too. I didn't quite get Dave being called a worker/adult? It was also strange how Ernest was introduced. He seemed like he was with Susan. I don't know if this was a deliberate writing tactic but it seemed odd.
I think overall, many of the jokes sort of misfired. I liked the "Suck on the teat of this company's kindness" and "Little minx, hiding" but dialogue like the "Bus? Steve?" conversation was more confusing than effective.
I also noticed quite a bit of times when you 'tell' and don't 'show' the action (looks dejected, watches concerned, doesn't quite know what to do with himself etc.)
There were a few lines that really seemed out of place too. (-will the watering eye form a drop? & Dave saying "What the fuck?!" on page 10.)

I think you have done a good job in laying the groundwork for this story. I just believe you need to sharpen up quite a few things to help deliver the potential of the interesting logline.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Wow, the excellents just keep on coming!

Overall: really, really enjoyed this and I wasn't a fan of the logline but these 10 pages rocked. The only script that had me laughing out loud. The 'newbies' line just killed me. I'm still giggling.

Characters: Dave - unwilling office worker/adult - brilliant description, love the humour in that. I warmed instantly to Dave, even though he is a bit of a see you next tuesday he is also vulnerable and hurting which is wonderful and real, he totally came to life for me and even though you don't give a physical description I completely imagined a bit of a bulky slob with boyish charm. Excellent.

Emeric: hope he features more in the script I liked him a lot too because he's unusual and romantic and an unlikely confidante for Dave.

Mike: great comedy character, the whole package on display nails his character beautifully.

Susan: amazing bit of writing in that answer-phone message - sheer genius, it tells us so much about her and we haven't even seen her yet. inspired.

Celeste: Love the secretarial, celestial being, quirky and memorable.

Ernest: He cracked me up and the Kris Kringle line is great.

Dialogue: fantastic. The humour is just wonderful. You get a lot of info out without being too on the nose, even the scene with Emeric is well done because of the abundant comedy in it.

Story: great, I'm hooked, I want to know more, the comedy and characters have sucked me right in and I can't wait to see Dave's reaction when Mike gets his hands on Susan!

Really well done. Your craft is superb.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

This one is incredible. Love the title, nice play or words and sets the tone for the whimsy to follow. The writing also is amazing. The story is creative, the details add depth to the characters and the story. It is not all that original on one level (Ghost town plows some of this material just last year), but it is so fresh that it is like a totally new story.

If there is some weakness, it is on a technical point. The use of "CONT'D" between lines interrupted by some action is no longer in vogue. It's not wrong, but the omnipresent readers really like to go with the trendy ideas.

I would be surprised if your script did not make it to the final round. If it continues like its first ten pages, it might be a (the) winner.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I'll start with one note about semantics: I don't think Emeric was properly introduced. Maybe I missed it, but his name was not in caps when he was first on-scene.
Overall, I think this is another script that suffers from the improper pace. Dave and Emeric start in some sort of quick banter before I get a chance to know if I like either or none. Remember, the first 10 pages is intended to hook the viewer in, introduce the world and main characters, and show the rules of the ordinary world.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

There's some very funny stuff here. Dave's alcoholic rant to Susan's picture is fantastic when he switches from rage to pleading instantly. Ernest is funny from the minute he walks in, and is channeling Ricky Gervais with lines like, "We've got a live one...Not really. You're actually completely dead."

The comedy is a little disjointed in the first couple of pages. Dave is an amusing enough curmudgeon, but some of his best jabs go awry. The whole Steve-Dave gag doesn't end in a working joke - I know what he's driving at because I can read his name on the page, but no one's called him Dave yet, so no audience member can quite understand the joke. Even still, it's not as funny as it could be - he might harp on the "on the same bus" bit, and when Mike finally gets it, he could bring up that he's also got his name entirely wrong. (For the best bit, it should be entirely wrong, like Steve-Albert, not Steve-Dave.) Susan's message is also a little hard to swallow: no one would leave a message like that, which would be OK in an absurd world, but you've basically set up a reality not unlike our own (albeit with invisible ghost cupids).

Some description is a little weak: you describe somebody as a "secretary-type" and there are some clauses that need end commas (usually at the end of people's descriptions, like - "DAVE GRAVES, 30s, unwilling office worker/adult [INSERT COMMA] sneers at the commotion from his desk.")

It's a good start that need a little more polish. I hope these comments were helpful, and good luck in the competition.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I'm going to comment as I go along as I do when reviewing features:

Pg 1 - "What a load of cock and balls." - A nice strident start.

"E#MERIC#, 25"

"Then it’s definitely cock." - You might be doing it deliberately but both of his first two lines start with extra words on the dialogue that could be left off. "What" and "Then".

"Why do you think Susan’s leaving me?" - Possible risk that the audience will think Janine is Susan. On the same general subject the audience does not yet know the names of any characters. One of them is called "Captain Dickard" as far as they are concern.

Pg 3 - Okay you were holding back the name deliberately.

Pg 5 - You are not hanging about getting the story moving along.

Pg 6 - "When the mouth is clear, he leans in closer and gives his dead self the kiss of life." - I'm not sure if this is meant to be funny but as it stands it is more gross.

"Susan breezes past," - Does Susan have a character intro somewhere?

Pg 7 - "Somehow he can't." - This line seems redundant.

Pg 8 - For a while I was thinking Ernest was Emeric. The names are close.

Overall I like the comedy element of this and I like the premise. As it stands I think you need to play this sequence out over more time. The reason I say that is that the mixture of serious stuff with the brash comedy is an uneasy contrast. With a little more development of each you could keep them more distinct and then I think it would be okay.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

First all of, let me say that I loved your logline. 'Not only is he dead' was so funny to me and completely sold me on your comedic style. As I started the script, I kept thinking that I was watching an episode of something and then, you revealed it to me in your very own dislogue - 'Gilmore Girls.' Especially the early years. Quick, snappy, witty dialogue in rapid-fire succession. My personal favorite was Aaron Sorkin's short-lived 'Sportsnight.' However, after the dialogue, there isn't really much in the way of a film except for the establishment of Dead Dave as a ghost and that seemed to be handled a little clumsy. In the scene where Susan finds him, you mention that Dave pulls on her arm, yet she doesn't see or respond. If she can't see him and we can -- that's fine but he shouldn't be able to alter what she does physically. Also, Ernest seems too stereotypical as the messenger man for the organization. I alsmost wanted him to be meaner or something other than the lovable, nice guy. Overall, I had a good time reading this opening and I would definitely enjoy spending more time with this script. I am ranking each script personally to arrive at my own Top 10. Your ranking is: Not in my Top Ten.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Good title and logline. Great opportunities here.

You faded in to INT. LARGE OPEN PLAN OFFICE - DAY... You could simply have INT. OFFICE - Day, because in the following description you tell us of the maze of low cubicles.

Not sure why Emeric is not capitalized when you introduce him.

Dave's comments made me laugh out loud throughout.

Funniest part- When Mike takes a seat on the edge of the desk!!haahhaha

is foetal spelled fetal? Sceptical should be skeptical.

I didn't like the reference to Gilmore Girls...It's not that big a show to follow it with a reference to Rory. I'm not sure who Rory is, I can guess he/she is from Gilmore Girls. But that one went over my head.

I'm not sure Dave would say "G..God?"....he might say something like, "what are you, god?" or "you supposed to be god?"

I like Ernest's first line. He says "bit of a kick in the nethers I imagine". This really sets his "sound" apart from the other characters. But his dialog that follows makes him sound like everyone else. He uses terms like "newbies" "freak people out"...these sound like terms from today's youth, not from someone who looks like "santa". His dialog is inconsistent.

I'm wondering what's in it for Dave- I'm sure that will come soon.

I laughed a few times out loud, and I want to read more. You're going to have to keep up the "funny lines" for Dave.

Good luck! I hope this makes it to the next round. If it doesn't, I still want to read what you have next.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Dave is not really a likable character, is he now? :)

That is a measure of your writing skills. However the pacing is affected by this as it seems too even at the moment. But you can only do so much in ten pages.

The opening scene has a pretty average setting and nothing dramatic occurs that sets the tone for the whole film. Well, except the flowers. But I want something to immediately grab my attention, either through a unique setting or some action that hints at things to come.

Since you had a choice of a totally fantastic setting in the post death match-making service, wish you could start with a scene taking place there.

Your secondary characters seem a bit caricaturish and I hope there's more to them as the film pans out, as a couple stand out and have potential to play important roles in the plot.

The tiny transition with,

LATER IN THE NIGHT

and Celeste's entry doesn't work as well and perhaps a scene between the two where she's assigned his case would work well. Perhaps that could've been your opening scene.

Many things to like in this story.

All the best.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

This is a good start to a feature. I like the premise and I think it would be fun to see how this all pans out. It's certainly a unique concept. The main character of Dave is an engaging character, I want to see how his adventure turns out.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

The two areas that I rate in this contest that carry the most weight are whether or not the first 10 pages are a compelling beginning and does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline.

Does it have a compelling beginning? Yes and no. You set up that Dave's life sucks. There are obviously reasons that his ex doesn't want to be his wife anymore. But, IMHO, there wasn't anything that really grabbed me and made me want to know more about Dave or any of the other characters.

Does it have an inciting incident? Yes.

Is there a theme stated? None that I found.

Does it deliver on the promise/premise of the logline? So far, so good. He hates his job, hates his life, hates and yet loves his soon-to-be-ex-wife, accidentally kills himself and is recruited to be a matchmaker. So far so good.

Other comments: You spend quite a bit of time developing characters in the first three and half pages that I don't know that we will see again. If they have a role in the greater movie, it would be better if you established that a little bit better. If they are there just to show that Dave is having a rough life, I think you should spend less time on them. You have typos and formatting mistakes that should be fixed. I don't take off for that but if you send this out it could hurt your chances if you have blatant errors, especially in the first 10 pages.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I like the idea (kind of like "Ghost Town"), and I like the logline. But the first ten pages really drag. The dialogue needs some serious work. The opening scene with Dave, Emeric, and Mike goes on w-a-y too long. You really should get some friends to read the dialogue out loud for you. It sounds too forced, like you're trying too hard to be funny. For example, take a look at the first couple pages. Dave reacts badly to the woman receiving flowers. Emeric tries to cheer him up. Dave's response: "Don't try to be compassionate, Captain Dickard. It's unnerving." What does that even mean? Then he asks for Emeric's "honest, albeit potentially worthless, opinion." If he doesn't value Emeric's opinion, why ask for it? You wouldn't do it in real life, and it makes even less sense in the context of the screenplay when you read Emeric's rumbling, bumbling, stumbling response: "Honestly? You want to know? Okay...well... You're a bit of a...umm...kind of a...see you next Thursday." What the heck? Then they have a short discussion about Tuesday vs. Thursday. Huh? To me, it all sounds very forced. And it doesn't move your story along. I would stick with this screenplay, because it's a great idea. But the first ten pages need to be a lot snappier, and the dialogue needs a major overhaul.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4)

It had some very interesting moments but predictible. Its a nice feet but faulters with some of your descriptions. I did like Dave's dialouge, a few minor adjustments on the other characters dialouge and the dialouge could flow smoothly.

I the story is fine, the way Dave dies is fine, it wasn't that funny if it was trying to be. Its hard to judge a script based on the first ten pages but I hope I can read the entire script.

Kudos.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I remember the logline and liking it. I was curious to the type of humour you were going to go for. I'm pleased with the direction you took it. Very Kevin Smith-esque I think.

The majority of the humour worked for me and the story moved quickly with the inciting incident taking place on page 5.

I don't have any complaints with this one, I want to read the rest.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Not sure about the title. Seems too long. Maybe "Love and Death"? I don't know.

This story feels sort of like "Ghost Town" mixed with "Heaven Can Wait" and a dash of Office Space at the beginning.

Unfortunately, nothing happens in this story (so far) that seems in any way unique. The key to success in screenwriting is giving the reader something new or interesting. You have to push scenes. Witty (or semi-witty) dialogue just won't cut it.

Your descriptions need a lot of work. For example, your opening...

"A huge bunch of flowers arrives into the office. The room is various shades of grey, a maze of low cubicles.

A DELIVERY MAN presents the flowers to JANINE, a preened secretary type who squeals with delight. A gaggle of girls swarm around, ooh and ahh."

The first two sentence are backwards. You should be describing the room, then the flowers being brought in. Plus, it sorta just plugs along. How about...

- - - - - - - - - -
"Crammed with cubicles, the office is large, grey and depressing. Workers huddle in their cubes as if avoiding a storm.

The front door opens and in walks a DELIVERY MAN, a huge bouquet of flowers in his hands. The riot of color causes the head of every girl in the office to turn and take notice.

DELIVERY MAN
Delivery for a Janine Smith?

A SQUEAL from a nearby cubicle and JANINE (25) races for her prize. Other women follow, all chirping their own approval."
- - - - - - - - - -

You get the idea. There's DESCRIPTION here, and it flows.

Other description oddities...

unwilling office worker/adult... how can a director show this?
endearing sci-fi fan - how can you tell he's endearing?

There are some good/funny lines scattered within this work, but for the most part, the dialogue is fairly on the nose, stilted, or just not very interesting.

One big problem is that Dave has no redeeming qualities. We have to have something about him that we can care about. But as written, we don't blame Susan for leaving him. If we don't have compassion for the protagonist, then we won't root for him. It's "A matter of love or death". If we don't love the main character, then it's death for the story.

Example... his dialogue with Emeric... there is NOBODY that would stand for that kind of abuse. Why would Emeric care about poor Dave when Dave is a total prick to him. Answer: He wouldn't.

And some of the dialogue just goes on and on and has zero punch. Like this exchange:

- - - - - - - -
EMERIC (CONT’D)
You’re a bit of a...ummm...kind
of a...see you next Thursday.

DAVE
Tuesday.

EMERIC
Huh?

DAVE
It’s see you next Tuesday.

EMERIC
It doesn’t matter, they both
start with T.

DAVE
It matters.

EMERIC
See this is exactly what I’m
talking about.
- - - - - - - - -

How about this...

EMERIC
You're a bit of a cunt.

Why does this work better? Because Emeric, as described, wouldn't normally say such a thing, which give the line far more impact. and it saves an ENTIRE page.

Mikes DBT line... straight out of Office Space. DBT Reports = TPS Reports. Ugh.

The bit with Susan's voicemail - it's not Susan and it's not (O.S). It's...

ANSWERING MACHINE
(filtered)

You tend to micromanage your description... both with how often (dialogue, description, dialogue, description) and how much (too many specific descriptions in each). Cut cut cut, and condense!.

Not sure what a "bedsit" is. I've been to the UK many times and speak regularly with many Brits and have never heard that one. Make sure to use phrases every knows.

Ernest comes out of nowhere. Weird.

Overall, this just kind of flounders. Not much that is compelling or new or visual.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I think there's some very good stuff in here -- the ex's answering machine message; the first "i'm never drinking again" line -- that shows you have real comedic talent. Overall though, I think it's a bit rough.

The opening office scene with the best buddy and the asshole boss seems rather generic. It doesn't strike me as unique. I had forgotten what your logline was when I started read the pages, and it took me until he died on page 5 or whatever to remember what it was. The first five pages could have been from ANY comedy.

I also saw found the ex's lack of emotion/coldness when finding his body a little unbelievable. I get that you're trying to set her up as a bitch, but I think her being unaffected by finding the corpse of the man she was once presumedly in love with a little unbelievable.

But, again, there's some good comic stuff in there (though not all of it worked for me). My suggestion would be to try and bring in some of the uniqueness of your story into the earliest pages.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 6/1/2009 12:39 AM

I totally dig your sense of humor and I thought this script was great. I really hope you enter more of our challenges in the future.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2009 12:45 AM

Hey, I never guessed it. But you did get an excellent from me. Ha!

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 6/1/2009 11:23 AM

I really liked this Sarah and I'm sorry not to see it advance.

Sarah Daly (Level 2) ~ 6/1/2009 11:31 AM

Thanks everybody! Got some great feedback up there - lots of stuff I would never have considered so really grateful for having got this far - now I can continue with this with tons of comments to work from! Thank you all!!!!

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 6/3/2009 5:00 PM

this should have advanced- well done Sarah.

I'm glad I didn't see a "poor" vote on this. My head would have exploded.

Sarah Daly (Level 2) ~ 6/4/2009 2:55 AM

Aww hey thanks Rob! I appreciate that! And I'm glad your head didn't explode..that would've been messy...