Comments Made During the Contest

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

That was entertaining. There was too much symbols that I felt lost. There is something special about this story. I just don't get it. You should probably explain more. Leaving a room for the reader to guess the answers is smart. But the room you left was bigger than it should.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was written and paced well, but the story didn't work for me at all. There was no climax, no twist. It was just a bizarre dream-like tale that the ending fizzled on. The one sided dialogue didn't work here as it seemed like Sophie should have been replying to Jack while he was talking. It didn't feel like a naturally one-sided conversation, just a conversation that had half of it edited out. The title on the title page should be written like a proper title with capital letters. Speaking of the title, I didn't really get it. I didn't see the colors having all that much relevance to the story. Overall, this was a decent effort, but could use some polishing to make the story more compelling.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Reminds me of 'black and white and read all over' - is it meant to?

Capital letter to start your title? Unless you're ee cummings, which I doubt.

Part way through and I'm not convinced thsat Sophie wouldn't talk to Jack - but all is revealed later.

Why do you use so many exclamation marks???!!!

You mean 'lose' not 'loose' - better to check your work before submission to avoid these typos that make your work look less professional.

Why the Barbie doll? I didn't understand.

The colour schemes remind me of 'The cook, the thief, his wife and her lover' (if that's the right title for the Peter Greenaway film)

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Someone likes trippy. This was written well and was formatted fine. I think the visuals would be interesting, maybe not entertaining though? These weird pieces have their place, but they usually fall flat, because we the audience can't get into it. You did a good job trying to pull us in, but I think the odd visuals keep us out.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love the visuals, especially the use of the color red. It was all very powerful and dramatic. I kept fearing what would be cut with that cleaver.

But in the end, I'm not sure all the pieces came together for me. I don't quite know what happened. Maybe though, that wasn't the point and you wanted this to convey emotion more than story and if that was the case this was effective.

Lastly, others have probably pointed this out, but it is "lose" not "loose".

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Interesting title.

JACK tries to make up with his wife as he pops a series of pills.

This script was confusing to me, I had a problem working out where I was in the story. First half of the script is pretty straight forward. There are a number of very arty type of shots described here which I'm not sure is necessary. But then when he looks in the mirror and the place is bare I assume this is the truth and the rest is hallucination. It needs to be clearer in the script.

You build up the tension very well and I was nervous to read on at the start expecting something or someone to get chopped.

The barbie doll in the end just through me.

This reminds me of David Lynch with a lot of symbolism and a story that is not easily understood. I had to work to try and understand it.

David Birch (Level 5)

i'm really not sure what to think about this one...i know that there was a lot of symbolism involved, i just missed it...even after two rereads...the writing was well crafted....my only complaint would be the CHOP, CHOP, CHOP sounders...that seemed to be excessive...i'm anxious to read the after comments so i can go back and reread after the voting is tallied...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

An alternative feel, though stylisation is nothing without slick dialogue. I really didn't feel enamored to Jack or his repentant feelings, something which could be achieved I feel with a clean up of his speaking parts. This script is clearly well thought through on a visual level, though some of the directions left me lost; is Jack looking up towards a mirror on the ceiling? Where do the flowers appear from? I really don't want to nitpick but I was rather lost throughout. Loved the promenance of colour, thought it added to the visual assault on the viewer.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

Really visually stunning. It has kind of this old school absurdist theatre vibe to it that I really like.

I must admit that the ending shot with the Barbie doll kind of threw me off. But I'm absolutely willing to give you a free pass on that one because this was written with such command and confidence. You obviously had a strong vision and I can appreciate that, even if I don't fully understand the "moral" of the story.

The work with the different clothing and the flowers in the sink. Really beautifully written...and clear enough that I could practically see the shots on screen. Nice work.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Haven't decided yet if I like the story. But, the writer provided great visuals and I can see this being put on film.

Garrett Box (Level 4)

I liked it, but I’m not sure what was going on. I don’t know how the constant change of color would pan out. It will either be way cool, or way annoying. What do you mean by, “the scene is bathed in red”? Do you mean it has a red filter or everything is covered with blood? The only thing I can guess is that Jack is having a hallucination about a Barbie doll in a kitchen, and I didn’t get all the chopping. It seems like the imagery was going somewhere specific, but at the end I was lost. Good job at thinking outside the box.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

First let me say that the descriptions were very good. I was seeing the images as I was reading them and they looked beautiful. However, I can not truly say that I totally understood the story as a whole. The woman looked like the barbie, right? So does that mean that she wasn't representing a real person that he had lost?

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

This was a very interesting story. I originally thought you were going to go down the robot wife path, but you really didn't. It was more interesting that he was imagining or inducing himself to see what he wanted to see. The imagery was good and both of the characters were interesting. The description of the woman in the beginning made me chuckle. I didn't care for the triple fade out at the end. I think just fading to red would have been sufficient.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Interesting concept. I really liked the surrealistic execution of this. The repeating colors really created a strong visual connection between the imagery.

The ending was a little unclear. How much of it is history and how much of it is fantasy? I think we need more clues (but not too many -- keep it a little open-ended).

John Brooke (Level 5)

I really enjoy reading full of risk taking rule twisters like this one.

You have pasted up an intriguing surrealistic pastiche for your audience to puzzle over. Definitely an Art House short movie for a niche market.

I was overwhelmed with the symbolisms and stark graphic chilling scense, especially that frighteniung flashing meat clever. Plentih of originality displayed here that causes the viewer to wince in empathetic solicitude. I could feel what was happeing through your stark simple images.

I applaud your attempt at livening up the usual boring ‘Fade to Black’ direction, it’s certainly over the top at the bottom but it is great fun and it reiterates the film from title to the ‘End’ in a few words the entire film.

Perhaps you may consider using -The End.- at the end.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

The way the events transpire in this script, it appears Jack is having a dream. The dream reflects his nature towards his beloved. Besides that, the script really does not delve much more into anything else. I can udnerstand his reactions, but there are no causes for him to be that way. No justification.

I would have enjoyed this script if it was a tad more direct in ascribing the reasons for this happening. I feel it is too abstract and the true meaning of the events are lost. The dialogue also felt very stiff and unnatural. These are two issues that bog this script down. If you'd rewrite with these two things in mind I think you may come out with a meaningful and entertaining script.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Wish you would have written the same title on the title page. This whole script was formatted well until the very end WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT. THE STORY IS CONFUSING AT THE MOST VERY CONFUSING. You kept on banging Red Red tears Red this Red that I wanted to stab myself with a Red knife in my Jugular and Spew Red blood. Try CRIMSON OR ROSE COLORED, as replacements for those words. STOP CAPITALIZING EVERYTHING I'm doing it now, it makes one notice the story but not remember it. I hate seeing that, use it sparingly. The ending was anticlimactic and it did nothing for me but insert more RED INTO MY THOUGHTS. What you did do RIGHT IS YOU KEPT THE DIALOGUE MINIMAL. AND THE DESCRIPTIONS THE SAME WAY AND THATS GOOD BUT THE REDUNDANT USE OF CERTAIN ADJECTIVES BROUGHT IT DOWN.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think this is...while not really my cup of tea (I'm not a huge experimental lyrical poetic film fan)...very interesting and well conceptualized. I can see this unfold quite nicely and the images are outstanding. This is a solid script, well written. Good work.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Good surprise ending to explain physical description of "Sophie" at the beginning. Good characterization of Jack.
His illusion not entirely clear; apparently his wife and family have left him, and he's stoned. Not sure what Sophie and the meat cleaver and red blood actually signify. Mums, especially white ones, can indicate a death; but, it seems Sophie is not dead.
The Barbie-doll reflected in the mirror is interesting. Why she becomes a knife-welding Sophie is confusing.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Nice twist there on the first couple pages: we think he's getting the silent treatment before we realize that the "woman of my dreams" line is accurate. Very Good.

You mean "lose it", not "loose it".

On the whole, for what it is, I liked it. It's not quite as smooth as some of the dream scripts I've read (a short explanation behind the purposes of the red and white pills would've been nice), but it provided a fair share of suspense and wonder. Fading into different colors was a bit much, though.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

I get the reference of the title to the story; however, I don't get the story. The format is done well and I like the concept of the one way conversation. I just don't understand the premise or the meaning of the storyline. The conflict was so hidden and the resolve lost (IMO) that it took away from the flow of the script. I didn't get the White to Red, to Blankness or what was making him angry and the point of the changing colors and his anger and the pills. Maybe it was just me. I just couldn't feel any emotion and had a hard time visualizing things after the look in the mirror and nothing being there. I'm sorry I was just lost in the whole premise of the story and where it was going.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Quite surreal. It's disorientating being in a subjective reality that's presented as real, and then being shown the real, objective reality, but it creates a really good effect which amplifies the story, even distracting from the twisted sense the reveal actually made. I liked that he was trying to hallucinate in order to see Sophie come to life.

Very good.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

This was a cool script. Not everything made total sense but in the context of story you pulled it off nicely. Mainly because the story was less about plot and more about painting a disjointed visual picture. Which you accomplished effectively.

I was also engaged in the underlying tension that built throughout. The woman with the knife and cleaver left me nervous, waiting for something ugly to take place. The fact that it never did, was another great effective play.

I did catch on rather quickly that she was probably not real but it really didn't matter because the twist was not a make-or-break plot point, just a piece of Jack's madness.

Very smooth but offbeat and tense little tale.

Not much else to say. Very well done.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Highly original, unusual and visual. You tell us so much without actually 'telling' us anything - fantastic piece of screenwriting.

I didn't understand the line 'Sophie, you're alright.'

What I did understand was that Jack is in an asylum for killing his girlfriend in a fit of uncontrollable rage and i got all that from visuals. Wonderful visuals.

I loved the red tears and the flowers from her finger.

The barbie on the table jarred a little at the end - just because the word 'barbie' is so synonymous with American consumerism and that image just didn't feel quite right in a piece where every image tells a story.

Is this a William Flink script? if so, fantastic job, best I've read of yours.

If not, still a fantastic job and can't wait to see who wrote it.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

Wow, that was powerful. I love that you didn't feel it necessary to fill the entire script with dialogue as many have done with this month's challenge.

I have an abusive and controlling husband so this hit all the buttons for me. The fact that Sophie was a doll, not a human being with needs and feelings and a voice of her own is so accurate in how these men treat their families. The only thing I would change is that Jack is so focussed on his anger. Perhaps he is just incapable of understanding the true dynamics of the situation (as so many abusers are), but the real issue is not anger - it is control and domination. Anger is just a tool they use to intimidate their families and an excuse they use to justify their atrocious behaviour.

It would be so incredible if you could also bring this dynamic into the script.

I assume you are female and have either some personal or second hand knowledge of this issue. Whether or not you are, you have done an amazing job. Congratulations. I hope this script is produced.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I've read this twice and think I get most of it...

Is Jack hallucinating that the Barbie doll is Sophie? I think that might be it, if not, I apologize.

Your screenwriting is good, there's a lot of narrative, but nothing got clumped up in large pararaphs.

Format appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a really strong visual script. I'm not sure that it has a story in it as such and I think that impression comes from my not understanding what the point of much of it is. It's good stuff and perhaps it's not meant to make sense.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

I struggled with this one. There is probably a better movie here than a script. You can clearly see things happening and it could be wonderfully intoxicating to watch. For me, it's hard to read. I also wanted a little more from Jack. I understand that he's the only one that can speak but he speaks exact word thoughts (eg - Get it under control, Jack!) and we never really see any dimension to him. I admire the stylistic ending you chose for originality but unless you intend to direct this yourself, it's a bit too much directing on paper.

Robbie Comeau (Level 3)

Nice story, a little creepy, and twisty for sure.

It flowed pretty good, and this was way different than the other shorts this time around, which I liked!

This felt like a twilight idea for sure.

Robbie

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I had a very difficult time figuring out what this script was about. The imagery is okay, as everything is fairly easy to envision, but the story lacks continuity. I don't understand the characters' interactions or why their relationship is what it is. I get the feeling that the high concept approach for high concept sake was more important than the story you were trying to tell.

I'm also confused as to why each sentence of action is its own paragraph. You waste tons of valuable space hitting the return key so often. Bring things together in a tighter, more concise manner.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I would just leave out the first two lines.. it doesnt' really add anything.. let's move right to the introduction. you have your slug that it's a kitchen.. and really all you do is say what is in the kitchen. It's not needed.

As I read this, I thought it would play visually well on screen, with the red meat, tears etc, it would be one of those films that would be very colorful and edgy.

However the story doesn't really do anything for me, there's too much exposition and it doesn't go anywhere really.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Not sure about this one. Part of me thinks it's genius and the other part of me loathes it for being pretentious in all its symbolism. I think i'll have to stick to the middle ground and look at it objectively. I'll give it a very good. I'm just baffled as to what I think.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

A very nice, stylistic piece. You have a very smooth style and it's a very memorable scene.

I do wish, though, that it hadn't been merely a scene. There really isn't a beginning... I can't determine stakes (other than his sanity, but that's not really at stake, seeing as how he has pills to control his sanity and/or anger).

I suppose the protagonist is also the antagonist.

Look... despite the fact that it's not a complete story, the craft... the writing... it's so compelling that I am giving you a....

Very Good !

Comments Made After the Contest

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 5/1/2009 11:44 AM

Enjoyed this one a lot. A very clear artistic vision.
Nice work.