Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Written and paced very well. The story was cool, dark and well told. My one and only hangup here is that it was a little bit predictable. I'm not sure why. Probably because the way it was written seemed so straightforward that I knew there was a twist coming and Roser being the killer seemed like the only logical direction it could have been heading. Still, I think this was very well done and if it was filmed well enough, that twist may not be as predictable. Formatting and technical aspects were all spot on and like I said, overall I enjoyed the story. Nice job.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

A good set up. Clever use of monologue idea. The only trouble was, I guessed Roser was the killer almost from the first. I don't know how you could do it, but maybe there's a way of making this more of a surprise?

The very last scene - I wasn't quite sure why he'd look at the detective.

Good work though.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

I've gotta write like 200 characters even if your thing is like super amazing.
- Use proper punctuation, such as 'DETECTIVE ROSER (30s) dressed
casual, forensic gloves, enters the building.'
This was a well used setup with an obvious twist. I was hoping for something more, but don't dispare it was entertaining and well written.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This was feeling like a fairly run-of-the-mill slasher film, but the twist ending totally worked for me.

Like all good twists it made me rethink the events that came before and it case them all in a new (and darker) light.

One suggestion, I wouldn't call Roser a detective at the beginning. It's a lie and you don't need it. We will assume it anyway.

Very well done.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Interesting title.

Roser posing as a detective recalls the events of a mass murder into a dictaphone and reveals he was the killer.

Good script I did get the ending before I read it but it was the ending I wanted. It added an extra twist to the script which it needed. Action and dialogue were well written and it was easy to understand.

As Roser was the killer maybe I'd prefer to know more about him because he was interesting but more back story would have been great. Also we never learnt much about the victims and if anything else tied them to Roser.

It was a good read.

David Birch (Level 5)

a lot of the dialog seemed to read like it should have been in VO...your writing was okay, except that you need to get out of "short story" mode and into screenwriting mode...things like..."something('s) bothering him"...that's the subtext that can't be in your description..."stops in puzzlement"..."He lunges at Jennifer in (a) blind rage"...would be more effective as... He lunges.

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

This was hugely enjoyable, had the feel of some slick US cop show without being too gimicky. The twist at the end was well placed. I feel the constraints of the monologue strengthened this sceenplay, I wasn't sure whether the detective was talking to himself or into his dicatphone- or both. Uber creepy!

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The screenplay seemed familiar as I read it. As if I had seen the scene in a movie. The ending, however, felt original. Try to make the entire screenplay more original. Format was excellent.

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

Good tension buildup and nice twist at the end. Dialogue seemed like musing, which was fitting for this piece. Well done!

A few technicalities:

p.1. Detective Roser, 30s, enters...(insert age right after character's name)
p.1. Roser enters, examines outside back door. Wouldn't he examine it before entering?
p.2. In some woods overlooking... I would delete "In some."
p.3. slashes "with" (add "with")
p.3. He didn't have "a" chance (add "a").

Geoff Peel (Level 1)

My second review ever so sorry if it's not that well written.

Liked the element of the voice recorder to get around the one character only speaking stipulation. Clever.

I was all the time wondering why a policeman would be at a crime scene by himself but you covered this in the ending.
My overall impressions were that it was well written and conceived but unfairly because it tended to have a CSI feel I was a little more dismissive than I should have been. That's my problem not yours.

Good luck in the voting.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I had an idea that Roser was the killer but I wasn't certain of it. I had a desire to keep reading to find out if my hunch was right. It was which was a bit disappointing. It'd be cool to make the audience think that but then take them by surprise. I was thinking that maybe the real killer shows up after the detective instead of before but then it probably wouldn't work in the monologue contest.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

My main comment on this script is that the twist at the end was very good. It was unexpected and clever. However, the first four pages played so closely to Manhunter/Red Dragon it was unnerving. I realize the set up was to make up believe he was the detective, but there were way too many similarities to a very well known scene in those movies. In both there is the detective and his recorder, the tree in the backyard, a man trying to "play husband". If it was a more generic crime walk through or a different location i.e. A city apartment.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Nice twist, but since there were no other characters introduced until the very end, it wasn't too hard to guess that ROSER was the killer. And since it's a crime scene, we know how it's going to end, so it's kind of a "verbal flashback". Those combined, drain the suspense out of what could be a really suspenseful little piece.

The writing was strong, and the pacing was good and kept it moving forward.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Well, well what do we have here, eh? A slimy psycho killer vcommiting a murder that well plsnded and badly executed. Your clever idea of having the Detective cataloged the bloody deed step by step like a paint by numbers work of art deftly created mounting tension. No I have to stip. Damn, it seems that I have to reflect on every bloody story I’m reading here this month. You title does nothing for me or your filmscript.

See you later alligator.

Well I'm back again after reading your screenplay again. Boy did I ever get it wrong the first time. Your brilliant use of a the dectivve Roser reading a natural investigative monolgue into a digital recorder certainly worked. You tied in the visuals smoothly and seamlessly. Your story could make a creepy short crime film, but I think you have to do something about the ending. The idea that the detective began to be telegraphed in my mind far too early in the story. I my opinion once it's revealed that Roser is the murderer his actions take up to much and spoil the surprise ending. You gave away too much.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

Though the story the protag was unravelling was an interesting one his language became more of a narration than a monologue. Well written though and well paced.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I don't know if you purposely did so or not, but Roser's monologue gave himself away. The choice of words for his dialogue were subtle clues that held me in the belief that the man who spoke was the actual murderer. He had such an easy time deciphering the crime scene and his voice was so entrenched in self absorption that I thought either "He did it" and this will be a great script, or "He's a super CSI Detective" and this script will suck. Thank you for not taking the latter route.

Although I saw it coming, you did a magnificent job in recreating the crime scene and also in the manner the killer got closer to solving his own murder. He was obsessed with his victims and their routine and that made him all the more believable.

Your craft is excellent and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this script. Not because the killer gets away; it's a sad thing that the happy-in-love couple had to die. It's the whole subtextual content of his homicidal rage and the elegance with which the script was carried out. Cheers!

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

First mistake is the structure 'record recorder' use different verb The structure is the problem everything else is good. Your dialogue is weak at times but it gets better at the end. The sentences are repetetive but it was a good story. I saw the ending coming being that It is a monologue contest but by itself it is a good script.

Kirk White (Level 5)

gotta admit I saw the "twist" coming from ten miles away...but it's not a bad little romp, reminds me a lot of Manhunter! I think this will work quite well as a short. very filmable.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Interesting twist. Clever and creative use of the one-person-talking prompt.
Quite a few FLASHBACKS, but still easy to follow storyline. The deliberate placement of Roser's narration after he completes the action is well-done. It could have been repetitive, but works as Roser speaks about what turns out to be a revisit to the crime scene.
In the bedroom, the reference to the oak tree attracting Roser's "curiosity" really isn't true. Obviously he knew at that point that the tree existed. Perhaps he "notices" or "observes" instead. Those references would not ruin the surprise to come.
The oak tree with "Jennifer" carved into it is so visual, perhaps it would make a good frame for this murder. If Roser starts at the tree, his hand breaking the tape might be the second scene. The ending shows the second Detective breaking the tape this time, and ends with Roser back at the oak tree, as is. The final line, where Roser slips away, may not be needed to complete the story.
A knit-pick -- think jealousy is green-eyed not red, unless the red indicates crying.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Your execution is nearly flawless. Very nice cuts between Roser and the Killer.

The first twist is really cool. When we find out that the husband was the first killed (I'd naturally assumed it was the girl since the Killer had been watching her).

The story suffers tremendously with the obviousness of the "twist" at the end. How often have we seen the policeman be the bad guy? Way too often. It made your ending predictable. You only had two choices that I could see with the page restrictions: 1) make Roser the Killer or 2) have the Killer get away. Since you hadn't introduced any new characters, the killer had to be Roser. But then, the whole "piecing together the crime" makes no sense at all, now, because it's not like I can believe he had amnesia or something and had to figure out his own movements. So, the story falls apart on page 5.

The obviousness of the name Roser tickled me. I love playing with names.

You had me for 4 pages, and you're a wonderful writer. Very Good!

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

Love the title. Format was well done and the storyline was great. The entire story was easy to visualize. You could feel the emotion in each character and I love the twist of the murderer. The scene descriptions were well versed, the placement of the voice over’s, although I am not a great fan of voice overs, but they added to the flow of the storyline. I like the ending and the inclusion of the real detective along with the sadness of running his finger along the carved name of Jennifer. You did a great job with your point of views and portraying the mental state of the killer. Well written, Good Luck.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Decent story telling, but the "twist" at the end is a bust. Once you reveal the killer's identity, the previous action goes from being interesting to nothing more than trick played on the audience.

Lonnie McIntyre (Level 2)

I must admit the twist at the end caught me by surprise. I had to read the script a few times to understand exactly what happened. You did a great job guarding the plot twist. I noticed the word "evening gown" used when referring to GLENN's clothing. If this script is aimed at an American audience, I would suggest using "pajamas" instead. That is just my personal opinion. Overall, I enjoyed reading the script.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Nicely written and paced, but I saw the ending coming a mile off. I wouldn't be surprised if others did as well - the murder as detective has been done countless times before.

However I liked how the the killer was trying to buy into Glenn and Jennifer's romantic routine, and that once that fantasy was shattered he had to move onto another. That was a good touch, even if it felt a tad improbable that they would keep leaving their curtains open.

Overall it was entertaining, hit the right beats of a thriller, but there was little insight into the murderer's character other than he liked role play and a very predictable ending.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

You have a story here with a beginning, middle, and end, which I commend you for because of the one speaking character limitation from the contest. I also like the conceit of the recorder to make it more natural that he isn't speaking to anyone. On page 4, I couldn't follow the flow of what Roser was noticing about the murder of the husband. In the first part of the story, what Roser says tedious. My thinking was that this was another stock detective investigating another murder in the standard manner. The twist at the end didn't pay off for me because I felt manipulated. For it to work for me, I would need to see or hear something that I could point to with hindsight as proving Roser was the killer even as I misunderstood or just plain missed its meaning the first time through. I didn't find any such set up when I went back and reviewed the story.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This was well written but the thing that really didn't fit for me was that Roser was introduced as a Detective Roser. I think if you intended him to be a detective he wouldn't have broken the police line tape. And if you intended to imply he was a detective for the viewer - but he actually wasn't - then you should not have introduced him as one.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

This is a good concept for a short script and a good fit within the 'monologue' contest. For someone like me who is a sucker for forensic crime stories, this makes for an intense little story with a simple and spooky flow of action.

That being said, I have a personal issue about this entry because it felt so very familiar. Most of this script is almost an exact recreation of scenes from one of my favorite movies, 'Manhunter' (later retold as the horrible remake 'Red Dragon').

All of these elements can be found in both: Breaking the police tape, detective walking the crime scene home of the victims, using the voice recorder, the kitchen patio door being the point of killers entry, the dialogue recounting the event and posing questions to the killer, the tree in the back yard where the killer scouted his victims, the killer carving into the tree, using flashbacks of the killers POV during the crime.

While I was engaged by your writing, I was also torn by these similarities. You did offer a different twist at the end with ROSER apparently being the actual killer. That was a unique addition that made me feel somewhat better.

However, being such a big fan of that film, it was difficult for me to be completely objective on this review. I felt that I had no choice but to score this script right in the middle. Others unfamiliar with 'Manhunter' will probably love this story because it is such an intense and incredible scene. I will leave it up to them to judge it's fate.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Opening totally grabbed me, I love cop thrillers and I thought what a great idea for this challenge! But it smacked way too much of other movies/books - Manhunter in particular, watching from the tree in the garden, identical. One Hour Photo too.

Putting that aside, it really picked up pace with Roser piecing it together but fell flat when it turned out to be him, I wasn't expecting that because it seemed like way too obvious a choice, really disappointed you chose to go there!

Dialogue was good and pacing great in the middle but lacked originality and a strong end.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

This felt a little too familiar to "Red Dragon." The lone detective, talking to himself, talking into a tape recorder while he investigates the murder of a suburban couple who was stalked by a man who spied on them from a tree, and also carved something into that tree.

I'm afraid I saw your twist, that Roser is the killer, coming pretty early on. There are no other characters introduced and you purposely hide the murder's identity until the end, so who else could it have been?

Your screenwriting is good, descriptive and easy to follow as we vault back and forth in time.

Format appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The idea in this is solid but the way you have laid it out makes it awkward to follow and difficult to buy into. It is a difficult story to write because you are required to make the detective work illogical but that makes it an awkward read.

"Suspect then crept to the bedroom. He caught the victim by surprise." - I'm being overly picky here, but I'm not seeing how he could know this unless he is the killer. (I honestly wrote this comment as I was going along. So I guess that indicates that the concept works but perhaps it is too obvious where it is going.)

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

This is absolutely one of the best scripts I've ever read here at MoviePoet, and I've read A LOT of scripts! Not only is the imagery fantastic, but the twist at the end provides a great retrospect to earlier parts of the script. That makes the imagery even better. You also made great use of the "only 1 character may speak" rule.

I think Roser's character, and the fact that he retraced his steps to make sure he had done everything perfectly, was brilliant. This guy knows what he's doing. Again, the twist at the end made the imagery and retrospect fantastic.

I'll be quite disappointed if this script doesn't make the top 3. Very well done!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Even though half way through I guessed that the killer was Roper, I think you did a great job with this. It's woven very well, from scene to scene. The dialog is top notch, no unnecessary words. The twist is that Roper created his own fantasy of being a police detective to make his fantasy last longer.

Some plot holes.

Would she really not recognize that it was not her husband.

How did Roper get into the crime scene, wouldn't there be offices protecting it? To me that was the thing that made me question the story. I'm not sure that there would ever be an empty crime scene just left there.

But I did enjoy this script, it's well written and the concept was good.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Unfortunately, I found this fairly predictable.

The way you move from room to room without having a proper slug seems like an attempt at style, but really just kind of falls flat. If you'd used "CONTINUOUS" or "MOVING" or something like that, then we'd get the feel that it's a single shot.

But if it's not... if it's a cut from one room to the next, then the style aspect of it falls flat.

I'm honestly not sure if the way you handle your slugs with the FLASHBACK in them is proper, but it seemed wrong. If I am incorrect on this, please accept my apology. But on this subject, you started to forget to use slugs when you slip back and forth. That was a big omission in my opinion. Got confusing.

The dialogue was a bit melodramatic and on the nose. And although I've heard the term "dressing gown", that is a very archaic name for "pajamas" or "night gown" in the US. Just an FYI.

I think that with a story like this, you need to really push the envelope. Perhaps if everything he was doing was in the middle of the investigation - other police and forensics guys running around, I might not have seen the end coming.

Good luck.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/1/2009 10:16 AM

I really dug this story. Normally, I'm pretty good at guessing the twist, but not this time. Very well done.