Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

Wow.

Loved it. The wonderful twist of the little girl being this malevolent spirit who in the end is really justified is perfect. I can't see anything that needs to be changed or altered except one small detail of the yellow helmet. I am confused what that was. I may be the only one though so it isn't such a big deal. I think I'm gonna read it again cause like a good movie--you can't just watch it once. Kudos to you.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

I read this twice -- I really like it a lot. You create a great mood and make a statement without hitting the reader over the head. It's very original too -- personifying the forest. Great work!

Brian Wind (Level 5)

It was interesting although I'm not sure I really "got it". I thought it was good, but I'm still trying to figure out what the premise was exactly. The mud girl was the embodiement of the jungle with plans to stop the logging? Was it supposed to be an enviromental awareness piece then?

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Wonderful to have something completely different. Great visuals!

LITTLE GIRL (V.O.)
Fear is the key to a species’
survival.
And boldness is the key to its
demise.

This seemed the wrong way round to me, but then, when I read it again, I realised its brilliance.

Excellent!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Wow. Loved this. Very creative.

Not much to say other than congratulations, think you have a winner here.

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

What an unusual story.

The visuals are amazing. Your images are haunting. However, I don't have any sense of a real story here. I love the mood, but there is no lasting impact. I wish there was a bit more of a traditional story and arc to follow.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Really good, a lovely poem. Wonderful images, and a compelling lead character. But your language is sometimes incorrect. For example: Three hunters prowl "through" the mist, not "between" the mist. There were about 5 places where I found such language errors. But overall, it's a wonderful script.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

Great direction with visuals, loved the end, never saw it coming. Pulled me along fantastically, compelling.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

A most marketable interlude. Ultra-eerie. I don’t always follow the personal logic of the voiceover. Upchucking mud and all the accompanying descriptions are quite graphic. Very good. I caught a misprint: correct thread to tread.

Jordan Entin (Level 3)

First a few quick things.."ignorants" is not a word. Maybe you meant ignorance or ignorant? Also, "unresistant" isn't a word either. And I'm not sure if "the natives awoke me" makes sense. Other than some grammatical stuff I loved it! The voiceovers were eerie and intriguing, like the little girl character. I loved her view on survival and the displays of what she does to survive. I was a little confused about the part with the natives. I also didn't love the ending. The last line seemed a little cheesey.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

I really enjoyed that. The beginning, especially, with that twist. Very well done.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I think you've created a new genre: eco-horror! I enjoyed this read. would like to know more about her story.

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

Definitely a very interesting piece. A bit too direct with your message in parts (i.e. the fly trap cut to her with the logger), but overall I think it worked.

The extended VO worked for the most part, and it was definitely concise. I think Ill come back for a second read.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

While at times the descriptive is a bit choppy overall you do a good job.

I don't understand why you use an eight year old girl to represent what I take to be Mother Nature. Were you trying for something different and unexpected? Since Mother Nature is usually portrayed as an older woman. And the dialog you give the little girl seems to be a bit mature for her.

Marina Viscun (Level 2)

Very interesting and it builds up nicely. Sometimes sentences have no subject, which could lead to character mix-ups.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

The VO contest was a few months ago.

Only kidding - well at least to some extent. The amount of VO's in this script got to me. I am not a fan of VO's.

That being said I can continue on with something I did like about the script. The concept behind this script was excellent. With a slightly different implementation you definitely have something here.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

While this felt, at certain points, like it risked being too didactic, the girls monologue was nicely balanced out by visual elements throughout the script. This also felt as if the intensity of the script continued to rise throughout and it left off at a very good point, seemingly with the wrath of nature about to be unleashed on us fearless humans.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I'm not sure I can even tell you why, but this was my favorite this month.

I liked everything about it.

The style of writing is the same that I try to emulate. Short, but exact.

Don't know what else to say. I loved it.

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

creepy visuals well done

Richard Bell (Level 3)

Liked this better on second reading. Little girl/panther scene in the beginning was unexpected and the personification of the jungle was interesting.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

There are some intense, arresting images in this script but I was confused at times by the monlogues of the little girl. I also struggled with the Voice Over effect of a Little Girl over such intense visuals. I got the message you were sending but I didn't get a sense of story. You paint amazing depictions with your words but I would have liked more of a connection between scenes. There's something here worth pursuing. Thanks for contributing such an intriguing entry.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This is exceptional writing and my favorite moviepoet script out of the ones I have reviewed.

Every word of description and dialog is necessary and perfect.

The only slight problem I have is with the dialog in the last scene. Do we need to know who she is? If she just tells us that the intruders need to be shown their place in her food chain it works for me because a forest would be ancient and much older and the girl would be a spawn of the forest rather than the forest itself.

The title too could be as memorable as the visuals if made shorter.

I just want to know where this will be playing and if I can't see it, could I get a copy?

It would be a shame if this doesn't win.

Excellent and really want to read more scripts like these.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

Not sure the character arced in your story. It was told well enough, but I was waiting for more.

I would liked to have seen more than a one deminsional character using V.O. as her dialogue. Your story may have worked better without so much V.O.

Good Job.

Stan Tjaden (Level 3)

Okay, different. Great visuals. Concise narrative -- few wasted words. Total voiceover?

Tom Zambrano (Level 2)

I had to read this a couple of times. The first time through, I wasn’t too crazy about the narration. Then I just read the narration, and the whole thing began to make sense. I don’t think my initial confusion was the writer’s fault, I think I was just me having one of those “brain fog” moments.
Taken by itself, the narration, for the most part, was very good. Some people would say, “an eight-year-old girl wouldn’t talk like that,” but I didn’t view her as a little girl. I viewed her as a merciless protector of the jungle. So her VOICE OVER was more than fine with me. And the fact that she was a little girl was a good example of being original and not making the obvious choice.

Here are some specific suggestions and or questions:
1) Shouldn’t she be called up by the Mud People before she starts reeking havoc and not at the end of the script?
2) Part of her description of herself includes, “Skin black as a moonless night.” Her skin isn’t black, so I’m guessing that this was just a device to temporarily fool us into thinking that the panther was the dark terror. If so, the black skin thing needs to be dropped.
3) I would also drop the panther leaping/her grabbing his throat thing and just have the Little Girl turn and psych him out with her GREEN EYES. This way, when spider hug happens on the next page, it will be more of a shock and carry more impact. (I think Scorpions would be better than BIG HAIRY SPIDERS.)
4) Ignorants? I don’t think there’s such a word. Is it supposed to be ignorance? That would make more sense, but it still sounds out of place to me in this narration.
5) Make the helmet a “safety” helmet. Then, in the end, you can have hundreds of these “orange safety helmets” milling about like worker ants in the distance.
6) There are a few instances where the order of action and dialogue should be changed for better dramatic affect. (When she “treads” on the corpses hand and when the fly gets gobbled up.)
7) There should be a SLUG LINE preceding the introduction of the THREE HUNTERS.
8) There are a couple of instances when you used the word “big” to describe something’s size. Big is such a weak word. Just about any other word would be better.
9) She pulls 3 roots from the mud. Does she have 3 arms?

There were a few more little things, but all-in-all, I thought this was a very good script. Good luck and keep writing.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

Well done script!

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0)

I really loved the tone and style here... even if I'm not crazy about voice overs, the fact that it was a little girl's voice would make it bearable and ethereal. Your narrative description was fantastic, not too flowery but enough to set a "stage" and for my imagination to take hold. It seems like more of an introduction or opening for a longer script, so there wasn't much of a story here, almost a montage. Formatting was great - nice job!

William Coleman (Level 5)

This is a fascinating piece of surrealism, if I may call it that. Visually, it would be stunning and sometimes gut-wrenching. The end point of the symbolism remains hazy to me. If it the young or some mystical power of a little girl that survives. The piece flows nicely and the visual invention is consistent.

I love enigmas, but your piece is just a little too enigmatic. Even so, I'd love to see it realized on film. It would be a great discussion with friends afterwards.

Comments Made After the Contest

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2007 12:05 AM

One of my two favorites this month. Outstanding. Congratulations!

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2007 12:06 AM

Congratulations on your second place finish. Fascinating script and amazing visuals.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus) ~ 8/1/2007 12:15 AM

Well-deserved, this! Fantastic.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2007 12:29 AM

Mr. Z!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awesome. Congratulations!!!

I LOVED it!!!!!!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2007 1:50 AM

Well done, Matias

Lee Carlisle (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2007 1:57 AM

Crap - I made a last minute effort to go back and try to reread all the scripts I thought I needed a second pass on and it appears that I missed yours. I feel really bad seeing that 'Ill come back...' comment. My apologies - I really did enjoy it, and if you want to know more about my thoughts you can always contact me, but I think our esteemed colleagues gave you plenty to work with! Excellent job!

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2007 3:42 AM

Like I said, I'll watch this movie when it opens. The girl reminded me of the creepy oracle girl from Apocalypto. Fantastic.

Deborah Zaniolli (Level 3) ~ 8/1/2007 7:30 AM

Amazing! It's a very strong script that I would love to see on screen.

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2007 9:19 AM

Congratulations, Matias! I really loved this script.

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 8/1/2007 10:42 AM

Wow, what a nice surprise. Thanks everyone for your comments. I’ll address some of them but they have all been very helpful.

Adam: The helmet was a logger’s helmet. The reader is not supposed to get this right away, but later in the story when it’s clear that lots of loggers are chopping down this jungle.

Brian: Your interpretation of the story is correct.

Caroline: Wow. Two reads. Thanks for your time.

Chris, Rick and Spencer: I agree with your critique. I was concerned about falling short in the story department as well. This one reads indeed like the set up of a conflict without escalation and resolution. Something to have in mind for future entries. Thanks for your insights.

Don, Jordan and Ethelyn: Sorry about the grammatical problems and the non-existing words; English is my second language. I really appreciate the chance you gave me to fix what I couldn’t have noticed on my own. Glad you liked it!

Margaret: The jungle chose to be embodied in an innocent looking little girl in order to wreak havoc among the loggers without raising suspicion about its dangerous nature. Her dialogue lines definitely don’t belong to a little girl, they’re supposed to belong to a jungle (assuming a jungle could speak). But since the true nature of this little girl is revealed late in the story, I think your critique is valid; it could feel strange to the reader that this little girl doesn’t sound like one. I’ll think of this. Thanks for pointing it out.

Pia: Glad you liked it. Always a pleasure to read the comments from a fellow simplyscripter. :-)

Rustom: I wondered myself about the girl’s last lines and I toyed with the idea of deleting them. But I feared that the story would be too cryptic if I did. This one isn’t produced and I don’t think it will be because of its ridiculously high budget. I’m glad you liked it.

Tom: The mud people scene was a flashback in which I describe how the girl was “born”. The girl’s first lines are not “her” words since she’s just repeating what the loggers think of the dark terror that rules the jungle (“Wicked winds brought wicked whispers”). The girl has only two arms, but more than two roots plugged to them. I read all your comments and I will have them in mind, thanks.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2007 11:36 AM

People who can write stories in a second language amaze me.

Especially impressive is how descriptive you are. This is one of the most visually arresting stories I have read.

I am really looking forward to reading more of your work.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 8/1/2007 12:41 PM

When in doubt...animate. Pitch it to some animation filmmakers. Its about time we have animated films with mature situations.