Comments Made During the Contest

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The formatting and pacing was fine, but the story didn't do much for me. One point of confusion was the first time Addy went down to their apartment. You say Addy let's Mrs. Gieshack in. If it's Mrs. Gieshack's apartment, wouldn't that be the other way around? Parts of the story were hard to believe. For instance, doesn't anyone lock their doors? These people are continually walking in to each other's apartments with no problems whatsoever. The story wasn't all that compelling. We have a woman with a maze running mouse. The neighbors let themselves in to her apartment and snatch her mouse. She goes to their apartment, carries on a one sided conversation in an unsuccessful attempt to retrieve her mouse. She returns to their apartment, lets herself in and steals the mouse back. Then she purchases a birdcage and tells them she bought a bird. Did they not notice the mouse missing from the middle of their floor? Addy makes a comment that something happened to her mouse even though everyone in the story knows exactly what happened to the mouse because they had a big discussion about her trying to get it back. I don't know... In the end, this didn't work for me. The story needs a lot of polishing.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Intriguing title.

It's a cute tale but not surprising or dramatic. Addy hasn't much personality, not at the beginning nor at the end. You really need to tighten up your writing. Finally, I think that the Gieshacks would CERTAINLY have spoken, so it made the whole thing lack credibility.

A few technical points to help you on your way.

INT. SMALL APARTMENT – DAY
ADDY, early 20s, walks through the doorway of a cluttered
apartment - you don't need to repeat 'apartment'

Some of your details are superfluous 'After hearing the front door shut, Addy walks out of the room, wiping her hands with a small towel.' You don't need to tell us this - if we hear the front door shut and then Addy walks out, it's enough. Why the small towel? What does it add to the story?

I don't think people really ever say 'No, no, no, no, no, no' do they?

"Addy is walking toward the front door of an apartment
complex. She is carrying a large pink cage. Mr. and Mrs.
Gieshack are just leaving the complex." here you use Present Continuous tense all the time, when Present Simple would be FAR better. 'Addy walks'etc.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Notes:
- Remember to trim and compress, but keep interest. Make the words burn.
- Keep your writing active, for example you wrote, 'Addy is walking toward the front door of an apartment complex. She is carrying a large pink cage.' but why not 'Addy walks toward the front door of an apartment complex. She carries a large pink cage.'
I'm guessing the story was about a girl sneaking a mouse past her landlords. I guess it has a three act structure. Keep writing.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I'm not a big rat fan, but I liked Pedro.

I just wish there was more to this story. Maybe Pedro has a truly astounding talent. Or maybe Addy has to go to amazing lengths to get Pedro back. Something that makes this story pop.

Your craft is fine, but it did feel a bit odd that the Gieshack's never spoke.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Okay title.

Addy keeps an illegal rat in his apartment called Pedro but when he's rumbled by his neighbours he has to first steal back the rat then pretend he owns a bird instead.

The script had some charm to it and it felt like a simple story. But there never felt like there was much tension in the script. Not sure if the problem was fully resolved.

Dialogue was pretty straightforward and the action was clear which made the script flow well and understandable.

I thought you could include more twists in the story to make it more interesting.

David Birch (Level 5)

there were some nice emotional moments contained in your story...some of the dialog was a little "simplistic"...with half a page to utilize, i would have preferred it put to use to add a little back story to help me acquire a better emotional attachment to your protagonist...

Dom Kullander (Level 3)

You've either got the makings of a great screwball comedy, or the highly emotive tale of friendship and trust bridging the species, and I can't tell which you've gone for! I felt the monologue constraint held it back somewhat however, as the Gieshack couple could have benifited from a voice.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I did not understand the point of the story but it was well-written and held my interest. My only suggestion would be to encourage the writer to try to write actively throughout the entire screenplay. If you look at words that end in ING, and also look at the words IS and ARE, you will find places which might be rewritten. You can't eliminate all of them, but some.... For example: On page one - "A RAT is running through the maze." Consider instead: "A RAT runs through the maze."

Felice Bassuk (Level 4)

This doesn't entirely work for me because of a few story elements that seemed sketchy. First, it was puzzling to me that Addy's door and the Geishack's door were both unlocked. When the G's entered uninvited, it seemed that Addy should have said something, but she didn't. And second, when she enters their apartment, she pleads with them not to kill the rat. Why would she think that they would do that? And third, why would Addy tell the Geishacks that something happened to Pedro? Her telling them this is tantamount to admitting that she entered their apartment without their knowledge.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

The sentence on the first page that reads "This is Pedro" is not necessary.

I'm not really relating to her connection with Pedro. I was thinking we might find out something really amazing about him but didn't.

I know this is a monologue contest but I think the fact that only she was speaking was hurtful to this particular script. We really needed that couple to interact with her.

Page 2 should say expressions not "impressions".

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

The story was well composed and flowed very easily. This was a very nice screenplay to read, and the writers skill is obvious. I don't think the story or subject is very exciting, but it's well written enough to keep me interested. The best part and I suppose worst part of the story is that I don't think it really goes anywhere. Howevere, even though you don't take the reader very far, it is an enjoyable journey.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was a good setup, and I really like the relationship between Addy and Pedro. It felt realistic and caring, and I could see how much she cared for her pet.

The writing was quite stiff, however. The blocks of action were longer than they needed to be, and the description seemed static. Too much simplistic subject/verb construction. For example, on the first page, from the line "Upon hearing the front door shut..." could be written more actively:

----
The door SLAMS. Addy rushes back into the room. Pedro's box is gone!

ADDY
No, no, no, no, no!

She scrambles out the front door.
-----

I'm not saying this is better, this is just for illustration. The towel, for example, serves little story purpose and really slows down the action. Keep it moving!

I also didn't understand why the Gieshacks didn't speak. Other than the monologue topic of course. Their silence felt a bit artificial.

The resolution with the birdcage was really cute, though and it was a warm and funny ending to a cute story. Just work on keeping the writing active and flowing.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Strangely creatively bizarre story of a rat loving woman that I thought was rather unbelievable but then I remembered that some people are crazy about Chihuahua dogs, boa constrictors and baby alligators.

The whole interaction between the nosey Mr. and Mrs. Gieshack was certainly weird and unfortunately raises some questions by the reader slowing the flow to a halt. Who are these characters? What right do they have of invading a private residence. In return Addy barges into the Gieshack’s place and demonstrates that Pedro her pet can manage a maze. Unbelievable to my understanding she then leaves the box contains her pet rat Pedro, in the custody of the Gieshack’s who obviously hate the animal. Unbelievably the damn rat is still in the box hours later. One would naturally have thought that the Gieshacks would have done away with Pedro. But no, he’s still intact. So Addy steals him back. Then the story actually gets more bizarre, Addy buys a birdcage, meets the Gieshack couple as they leave the apartment complex, who don’t mention anything about the missing ‘Rat Box.’ Addy lies to them, telling them she has purchased a bird, although they can see plainly that there is no bird in the empty cage. Of course they quickly walk away from her, as would I. She arrives in her own place and takes Pedro from his box and put him in the bird cage. This is of course logical, I mean who would notice that was a rat and not a bird. People certainly are not very observant these days, probably too much TV watching.

I guess ‘A Rat in the cage is worth an imaginary bird in the box.’

Rats, I didn’t understand this Skinner Box of a tale on my first read. So I’m going to have to read it all again before the end of the month. It may achieve a higher mark.

On my second read, I concluded that many women fall in love with rats. Pedro is indeed a Chihuahua dog pretending to be a rat in order to be loved by Addy. Right?

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I liked the sweetness of your story – one girl and her rat! I do have a few criticisms though:

First of all, it seems totally unnatural for Mr. and Mrs. Gieshack not to speak. I know you’re constrained by the rules of the contest but if you chose to rewrite this at a later date, a little conversation would go a long way. For example, you could establish the relationship between Addy and her landlords by the conversation they have.

My second criticism is your descriptive paragraphs -- they’re far too wordy for what isn’t an action screenplay. A little trimming is in order.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Technically speaking, the script is well written. Addy's dialogue matches her personality and it is brought to life by the actions that she takes in respect for pedro the Rat.

The script does fall short of a story, however. Nothing really happens. There isn't anything that will make me feel for either Addy or the Rat. Yes, it's cool that she rescued him and all, but that's something that anybody in her position would've done.

The scenes with the Geishacks were also strange as they did not speak. I understand the constraint placed by this month's theme, but the scenes did not seem natural with their silent expressions.

Kevin Carty (Level 4)

Noo no no no no. Like shia lebouf. Anyway this, I don't know what's going on your action lines are messed up and your monologue is boring Abby every sentence BEGINS WITH ABBY. Don't worry I had the same problem but try to limit that change up your sentence structure. Rewrite this so it gives us a real sense of what's going on because I don't get it.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this is not technically a monologue but the rules weren't that clear so I'm not dinging.. this actually starts quite nicely but founders a bit once the landlords take Pedro. A little tooo expositiony and I'm not really seeing why the others aren't responding except that they are not allowed to...which makes me wonder why you chose this particular story to tell for this challenge. I think there is a spark here...but it needs more fleshing out.

KP Mackie (Level 5)

Cute. Empathy for Addy, who may lose her pet, and "ahhh" for Pedro, the rat. Emotion elicited early on, always a good thing.
Terrific line about Einstein, and "rat me out" is a clever choice of words.
Since most of the scene takes place in one room, Addy should probably "walk back into the room," as opposed to walking "out of the room" from where she was.
"He could be in science" sounds a bit awkward. Also, "Something seems to have happened to Pedro" insinuates that she knows Pedro is no longer at the Gieshack's, which implicates her in his abduction. Unless, Addy wants them to know she retrieved her pet.
Why do the people in this apartment complex keep leaving their doors unlocked?
Good job. Enjoyable read.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I had a hard time believing that the Gieshacks would really have said nothing throughout this story. A rat in a box next door, and you don't say anything? Addy plows into your apartment, you don't say anything? You just stand there disapprovingly? To fit the challenge, their silence was a necessary evil, but it doesn't seem to work for me.

Addy's decision to leave the rat with the Gieshacks also struck me as oddly unbelievable: she would've snatched him back and expected the consequences, not left her rat (to whom she already said "I love you"!) in the hands of disapproving neighbors. Even if she planned a midnight rescue.

It's hard for a reader to sympathize with a character who self-admittedly loves her rat. Most of us, I suspect, don't find rats lovable in the least. If the animal had been something a bit fuzzier and with less emotional baggage (like the carrier of the fleas of the Black Plague, for example), maybe you'd get a better reaction from me. Or maybe you want me to look at Addy as a really weird specimen of warped human affection (Addy short for "addled", perhaps), in which case the rat works well.

Also strange that no one locks their doors.

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

I like the title it plays well with the script. The story line was creative and endearing but the fact that Mr. and Mrs. Gieshack say nothing takes away from the believability of the script. Here are two people that are upset and disgusted about a rat being in their apartment complex, yet they don’t speak, just hard to visualize that. I know they could not speak to meet the criteria of the storyline, to cover this you should have it referenced somewhere in the script as to a reason why. They could be non-English speaking (i.e. in Addy's dialogue "I'm talking to you and you have no idea what I'm saying (sarcastically) because you don't speak or understand English...). Also you have this couple, who want to get rid of the rat, keep it, in their apartment, overnight, why? So Addy, could steal it back? If they were so upset with Addy having the rat in the apartment why would they keep it, even just for a night? How did they even know she had a rat? The story could be a cute short about an odd friendship, you just need to clean up the dialogue and fill in a few holes in the storyline.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

The story was cute, quite predictable, but overall charming.

I couldn't honestly believe, however, that Mr. and Mrs. Gieshack, having taken Addy's rat, would just stand there saying nothing at all.

A bit of extra time would be useful (there is space) to set up exactly their (i.e., Mr. and Mrs. Gieshack's) relationship to Addy. Why do they have jurisdiction over what pets she keeps, in her own apartment, and in a cage? If pets are allowed at all, then a rat in a cage doesn't seem like an exception to that - unless of course it was a wild rat and not a domesticated one?

Otherwise it was good.

Melissa Goetz (Level 2)

Should b a comma between "Hey" and "Pedro" on first page. Try to stay away fro using "ing".

The grammar, punctuation and formatting are near-perfect. I found it unbelievable, though, that th landlords wouldn't speak in this situation. I also thought the ending was not punchy enough. Not enough happened.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This was fairly well written but it completely failed to suspend my belief. I think the main problem here was neighbors walking in and taking the box. People keep their doors locked. If you had set this in someone's home maybe - but not in an apartment building. Also the conceit of having the two neighbors that didn't talk did not work for me. With a little work this could be good but I don't think it's quite there yet.

Michael Cuculich (Level 3)

Overall, this was well written. I think you should really try to tighten up your descriptions- sometimes they come across as too wordy. I think that you have a good feel for the screenplay format. I wasn't into this story- it was very slight. You tried to show why this rat was special to this person, and I think you succeeded. But it didn't seem like all that big of a deal when it was taken away by the landlords. You kind of downplayed this issue when it should have been a more momumentus event. I didn't understand how she got the rat back- why would they leave their door unlocked? And why would putting it in a bird cage trick anyone? Wouldn't they soon just see it was still a rat? Also, why would they allow a bird as a pet, but not a rat/mouse? Some of these questions I could overlook, but others seemed to negatively affect the story. I also think this piece falls into the trap I have seen many fall into, which is that the one character talking thing does not feel natural. At no point does it ever seen like that landlord woman would not speak. She would be yelling, scolding Addy, etc. It has the feel of someone trying to adhere to the rules of a contest, rather than a natural extension of a story. I also think Addy probably talks too much- you don't need so much dialogue from her. In the end I thought it was well written, but you should try to tighten things up a bit (ie. pare things down). The story felt very slight- cute, but not touching enough to be memorable.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

This was a good short story. It had a nice mix of narrative and dialogue which made for a smooth and pleasant read.

However, I think the story and the characters were a little thin and held the script back.

I liked the simple linear storytelling but I think it could have benefited from some added twist or conflict. I don't mean you have to turn everything on it's head but I never really got emotionally involved in the piece. A quick fix would be to make it a little more difficult for ADDY to get Pedro back from the neighbors. This could have been the major point of conflict but the event just seemed too easy to resolve.

I would have liked just a little more depth to the characters too. ADDY was a decent hero but I wish I knew more about why she took in the rat or why she is so lonely. Just a few things to help me connect with her better. The Geishak's also came off a little flat. They were the antagonists but they didn't seem all that bad or threatening.

Like I said, good solid story. I know it is difficult in a 5 page short but a bit more conflict and layers to the characters would have made a tremendous addition to the script.

Miriam Goldman (Level 3)

Awwwwww that was so sweet! Seriously, fuzzy heart-warmingness is filling me up and taking me over! But seriously- I love Addy and I love Pedro. Seriously, if this were a movie, the little kids who now have Hannah Montana wigs would go out and buy Pedro shirts (and I don't mean vote for Pedro)! You seem like someone who has had a happy experience owning or knowing a pet rodent, and that is a nice thing. I have never had one personally - I am a cat person all the way, and I wouldn't like to invite tragedy like that - but I know how gentle and sweet they can be, so it was nice to get a bit of the adventures of little Pedro. Really, that was just too charming! Loved it!

5/5

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is well written and well formatted and you convey the story well through just Addy speaking.

It lacks something for me though. You totally had me right up until the end, I was really worried for Pedro, then couldn't understand why the neighbours hadn't done anything with him and he was still in their flat - that felt very unreal, if they were going to bother sneaking in and stealing him surely they'd have killed him or taken him somewhere else?

Addy gets him back much too quickly and easily - the conflict you set up doesn't actually lead anywhere. She could have struggled to find him and then he found his own way home wowing the neighbours and changing their minds.

It just didn't go anywhere for me.

The dialogue and execution were very good. Story needs more work.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I'm not sure this piece works well as a monologue-only script. It seems that Mr. and Mrs. Gieshack would have something to say. also, I think their goal and motivation would be more clear if they actually said something.
as far as craft goes, I think you need some improvement. that are many cases where you the passive verb, "is." anything like "is walking," "is talking," etc should be replaced with active verbs. I think I also spotted as case where "Mrs. Gieshack is not impressed." show us how she's not impressed rather than simply telling us.
overall, I think the story is too loose. I believe Addy gave up the fight too soon. Her only attempt to negotiate with the Gieshacks was to offer to do their laundry? I think there are other avenues to explore before giving up, i.e. "take him to the pet store, set him free..."

Oliver Webb (Level 3)

Not in love with the story. Maybe if there were more of a back and forth with the antagonist that would be better. It was well written but cut those block of action lines to a max of three-line paragraphs.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

A sweet little tale (pun fully intended).

Unfortunately, there's not much of an impactful story here. Not much in the way of conflict.

What is your theme? What message are you trying to convey to us?

Why does everyone leave their doors unlocked?

The best advice I can give:

Read other spec scripts on this site that have placed in contests throughout the months, determine what the common denominators are with each, then incorporate this into your future screenwriting.

And never stop writing. Good luck!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The main character in this comes over as being genuinely concerned about her pet. However I don't know if this script really works as a monologue because there doesn't seem to be much reason why the other characters don't talk. Also the story in this seems a little thin because it depends on some odd things like unlocked doors and people never looking into a bird cage.

"Mr. Gieshack looks around and Mrs. Gieshack gasps, shuts her eyes, and points at Pedro’s box. Mr. Gieshack grabs the box and they hurry out the door." - This one of the places in this where it seems forced into being a monologue.

"She takes a deep breath and carefully turns the knob. She peeks inside and pushes open the door." - Seems like no one in this building ever locks their doors.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This was cute and short with a wee bit of dramatic tension.

But the theme seemed very weak as far as the contest was concerned. I found it difficult to accept that the old couple wouldn't talk to Addy. And some of her dialog is just exposition or description of what we're seeing or what has happened.

In fact she does the answering for the other characters, which doesn't seem real.

Also, why would they just take the rat to their apartment and keep it there on the floor? There seemed no purpose other than serve as a plot device for Addy to show up later.

That was a good scene by the way and I expected something much sinister with her trying to retrieve the rat. What if the rat got loose? And she uses the raisins to lure him? What if she has to traverse the apartment building in the dark like a rat?

I wanted scenes with tension and pacing. This was monotonous.

The skills on display were let down by plot I'm afraid and the twist would work well in a children's film. But even they deserve to see some tense moments, don't they?

Write one. This script needs it.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Cute story. I liked Addy and her persistance to get Pedro back from the nasty landlords.. I wasn't sure why they'd allow a bird, but not a rat.

Anyway, it was a cute story. I did sort of fizzle at the end. But I thought it was a nice fun read.

Good title.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Loved the title, but that's about it. This is loaded with editorial ("Mrs. Gieshack is not impressed") and what I really didn't get is that if the landlords take the rat why on earth would they put it in their apartment. And why do these people leave their doors unlocked - do they live in Canada? I also suggest losing the passive verbs (is, are, ing) and stay in present tense all the way. The story just didn't make much sense and neither did the characters; the Gieshacks are fooled by a bird cage when they are in the habit of just walking into Addy's apartment? I didn't even feel much of a bond between the girl and her pet.

Comments Made After the Contest