Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

This script needed a bit more conflict to work, I think. I didn't get a real sense of why Rich was being such a Dick (and that did make me laugh!) and that hurt the story.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Sorry, but this really didn't do much for me. There was no conflict and I feel like I entirely missed the point. It was written well but the jokes fell flat for me and the story just didn't seem to go anywhere.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked the story although I felt it was more lake than trees!

I wasn't quite sure of the whole of the first page being devoted to getting ready to go on the trip, because it didn't add anything to the story (and wasted a whole page which could have been used to add to the drama)

Nice twist at the end - and (further to all the discussion on the forum - I didn't see it coming!)

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Well done. Nicely written, great images and you kept me guessing for most of it. I liked the story but was looking for maybe a little more at the end. Also, think you misspelled "yep" as "yeap"?
Still, great job, I really like this one.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I was very surprised by the ending to this story. It felt like it was going to go to a much darker place, especially with Rich being such a jerk throughout the story. I'm not really sure why Abigail is so nice to him or why it ends on such a tender and sexy moment. Perhaps it's all there in the subtext, but if this is a story about renewing a lost love, I need hints of it earlier to believe the transformation.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Generally well written, but there is no story to speak of. You raise a number of omen-like elements that made me think something dark and terrible was coming: the fact that they're returning to a place from their past, the clear tension, even anger, between Rich and Abigail, the isolation of the lake. I felt sure a murder was imminent. On page one, you have this line: "As she gets to her feet she looks back at a DUSTY OLDER RED GRAND CARAVAN." I took this to mean that there were 2 Grand Caravans: Abigail's and one that was "older." This was really confusing, until I figured it must be a mistake. Also, there are a number of misplaced words and typos; makes me wonder if you wrote this in one mad rush, and had no time to polish it. If so, you did a good job for a one-pass, no edit script.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

A couple of proofreading oversights is all I see. I like the story, refreshing.

Erika Cloutier (Level 2)

It was ejoyable to read. Reminded me a little of my husband and I. Apparently she found what she was looking for. The scene where she calls him a dick and he says, "that's not my name" would have been stronger if she hadn't replied with "Well you are a dick though." If it just skipped to the grimace.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

Early on, something more evident in the relationship of Abigail and Rich should be established, then should more markedly evolve. Or, if the point is that not much does evolve, somehow that should be more blatant. These are the kind of characters, and stories (that don’t involve a lot of ugliness, violence and gore) that I especially like. However, it’s a real challenge to make them interesting; but once achieved, it's really admirable.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

A nice little interlude. The characters are believable, but the story arc may need a bit more motivation. Does mere memory of better times serve to unwind the disappointment and resentment? A bit tighter, that's all. Well done.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

Cute idea. However, I didn't believe the sudden change in Abigail and Rich's relationship. They seemed too hostile toward eachother in the beginning for me to understand why they were even in a canoe together. Then, at the end, they seemed to just snap out of it and fall in love again. This script would benefit from a little more character development.

Kirk White (Level 5)

I enjoyed this. very sweet. perhaps you could skip gramma and spend more time with our two lovebirds but overall a very nice time!

Lee Carlisle (Level 4)

The story left me a bit unsatisfied. It was well written and paced well, but something about the ending just failed to grab me. From a conflict point of view, theres not much going on. We see that there is conflict between Rich and Abigail, and thats the main driving force, but even before Abigail goes off to the lake we see hints that things are getting better for them.

And because of that, I think the faux-bear sighting followed by the closing hint that things are looking up for them is just not enough. Weve already got that from their interaction before, so it just came off as a bit unsatisfying to me.

The characterizations also seemed a bit odd: if she was the one with a Blackberry fetish, why was she the outdoorswoman while he seemed to hate it? What was his story?

The only things I noticed formatting wise were in the first scene. Since Abigail switches who shes talking to between lines you should point out who shes saying what to - those first two lines could be confusing.

Also, why the slug of the OLDER RED CARAVAN? Youve already introduced it, so seeing it a second time makes it seem like theres a second red caravan, older than the first one that was mentioned. I had to reread to get what was going on. I think you could just leave it as "she looks back to her car" or something simple.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

You had a couple of formatting errors. When Abigail looks at the older red caravan it should have been in the descriptive and not capitalized. And you neglected to make mention of the time of day in one of the sluglines.

Overall it was a sweet story of a married couple trying and I believe eventually succeeding in rekindling their relationship. You can see the transformation from when Abigail is frustrated with Rich to when she reliving the past as the mermaid.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

It was well written and achieved a beginning-middle-end structure which is never easy in just five pages. I thought this one needed more of conflict though. Something besides routinely discussion between husband and wife.

Matthew Phillips (Level 4)

This is written well. I wanted to see a bit more of a struggle for Abigail to really drive home the fact that they are trying to find each other again. I'm not sure the skinny dipping scene should come so soon. Obviously you had only five pages so... To improve I think you should build a bit more suspense to make the scene where they come back together more valuable to the audience.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

This was well written and the characters were well drawn. But this seemed to be a portrait rather than a dramatic story. Besides the bear, which came off a manufactured, there wasn't much of a drama here except that the couple wanted to recapture their youth. Valid from a character standpoint but lacking from a story perspective.

Michael Thede (Level 4)

Definitely a touching story about going back and re-living the past. I think if there had been more time to develop more I would've liked to have had more insight into exactly where they came from (i.e. who they were when they were 16 years old) and where they are now in their lives. I think that could've filled the final image with an even greater amount of meaning. But, I liked this one a lot!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Nice story, nicely written.

I think I would have liked to see it punched up a bit though. Nice as it is right now, it borders on dullish. I'm sorry, I wish I had better words to describe it.

If they have been together over twenty years, I find it a little hard to believe that Rich would gasp at the sight of his wife walking naked into the lake. Maybe she's just really amazing looking.

Anyway, nice story that could benefit from a dash of hot pepper. :-)

Randy Bigger (Level 4)

Rich changed without a reason to do do. Dickhead, then nice guy. Rich returned to the camp with toilet paper. I got the gist, but it didn't execute well.

Richard Bell (Level 3)

Sweet little ditty. The red caravan in the beginning confused me - thought there were two.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

After a bumpy opening, the script settled in and glided to a smooth landing. I think Rich's introduction and Abigail's opening dialogue could be tweaked to give the reader a better sense of these characters. After things move to the camp site, I got a much better picture of these people. I liked the way the ending was foreshadowed. I saw this as a very makeable short film. Overall, this was a solid response to the challenge and a good script that would benefit from a rewrite if you're inclined.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This was a very good romantic comedy. Abigail's ruse at the end to bring the zest back into their relationship was an excellent idea and I did not expect it.

Her arc is well developed but Rich's change seemed a bit rushed because he was being a total "dick" until she reminded him of the past. Maybe he needs to gradually get into the groove of the outdoors as the day goes on and there are more obstacles like a leaky canoe or it starts raining and he consoles her.

There were some typos in the dialog but the banter between the two worked well.

The last line with him having a mischievious smile could be re-worked to him stripping down and running towards the lake.

Overall a very nice short.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

I had a hard time following your story. Seemed like a vacation, then reminissing, then a bear sighting, and finally a romp in the lake. Seemed all over the board and with no actual charater arc.

Your descriptions were just a tad overwritten. I am sure a second writing would help you tighten them up some. And you dialogue seemed stilted almost unbelieveable. As an example Abigail says, "It has been a while." If she were really speaking she might say the same thing like this, "It's been a while." And this piece of dialogue completely confused me, "I've going to the biff."

You seeme to have too much going on in this 5 pager. Sorry, it was just okay for me.

Stan Tjaden (Level 3)

Fast read, but the opening is confusing. What did Grandma have to do in the story? Dialogue seemed trite, i.e. the Dick (Rich) joke. What's the story about?

Tom Zambrano (Level 2)

Not a bad little script. Just a little too sugary for me. Here are some specific suggestions and or questions:
1) Why do you have DUSTY OLDER RED GRAND CARAVAN in a slug line? You’ve already introduced it. This slug line makes it seem like it’s a different caravan. But it’s not, is it?
2) You don’t need to include descriptions of hair and clothes in a character’s introduction unless it’s pertinent to the plot.
3) Grandma’s line “This place has a lot of beauty, just not much forgiveness.” had me thinking that something bad might happen. I was a little let down when it didn’t.
4) Another of Grandma’s lines could use a little adjusting. “I hope you get what you came here for.” would sound better to me if you would replace “get” with “find”. Also, this is an important line. One of the most important lines in the script. I think it would be better if you had Grandma stop in front of her door, with her back to Abigail, and then say the line “I hope you find what you came here for.” then exit into the cabin. Big moments and lines like these need to be milked for maximum affect.
5) You might want to cut the entire scene at the portage where Abigail calls Rich a Dick and go straight to the next scene where Abigail tends to the campfire as Rich sits by the shore... The whole “Don’t be a Dick” scene just doesn’t sound right and is totally unnecessary.
6) “I’ve going to the biff.” I think you need to fix that.
7) I don’t think that a “squashed” roll of toilet paper is going to roll very well.
8) The first thing Rich should see when he comes out of the woods is a line of Abigail’s clothes leading up to the water’s edge.
9) Abigail should say to Rich after he spots her in the water, “Still want to see what’s under the water?” Then Rich should smile, then start to unbutton his shirt.

Good job. Good luck and keep writing.

Vitomar Souza (Level 0)

A very interesting script, well written.

William Coleman (Level 5)

This is a lovely interlude. The jaded couple looks back, and Abigail tries to relive that first important moment of love. I'd like to see a little strong reason for her attempt near the mid-point. Perhaps he is annoyed with her, too. The beginning and end are just fine. The middle needs just a little clarification. The dialog is clean, and it has movement within each scene. The main line needs a little work.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 8/1/2007 12:39 PM

I wanted to tell you, I've been reading your blog. It's somehow comforting to read about the trials and tribulations of other writers.

I'm glad you finally got around to submitting a story.

Adam Grage (Level 4) ~ 8/1/2007 4:40 PM

Thanx Chris. I really appreciate the constructive comments. Some are hard to hear but my thick hide needs time to build up. I have been working on another version of this story which takes a drastic change in tone and theme and actual outcome. It wouldn't have made it as a 5 pager so I had just tweaked this to make it a 5 pager. I hope to finish that soon and I'll let you know once its done.