Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I really like this one but I think it needs some trimming to be better. Such as the opening line I would change it to something like--

"...A psychopath believing he is a popular comic villain, Dr. Demento, escapes from prison..."

I would cut out the line about stoping a villain with an hero. But the rest is fine. Sounds cool. Good luck.

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

First observations - Waaaaaay too long. It starts very well, and sometime around the middle third sentence, it gets long winded and kinda predictable. Cliche & terrible title. I'd never see this.

It reads like a synopsis. Actually, it is a synopsis. You're telling me too much. A logline should be consice. Protagonist - objective - antagonist.

Something like this would be better -

"Local police chief needs the aid of a comic book nerd in order to save his daughter from a crazed pyschopath parading as a famous comic book villain."

As it is now, the logline looks like it's about the psychopath. In fact, the protagonist is the Police Chief. He'll drive the story. Whether or not he's the central character is another matter entirely. Some very good movies are about a side character, but there's always a protagonist that moves the story forward. (PETER PAN is an example. He's the title character, but the protagonist is Wendy. Her wants and motivations move the story forward.)

There's possible romance between the comic book nerd and the daughter, depending on ages, which is good, at least in my opinion.

You shouldn't name characters in loglines either. Police Chief and Comic Book Nerd are fine for loglines. Be specific. Archetype if necessary.

Now that I'm thinking about it, it sounds like a pretty decent movie and something I'd maybe like to see. It'd need a better title though. And good actors.

The characters themselves - Doctor Demento and Mister Ultimate - more cliche names. Too bad Doctor Doom is already taken, right? It's just so laughable.

There's definitely room for improvement, but I think it's good.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

The problem with comic book type movies, they all seem like ripoffs, but you added a twist whereas the hero really has no superpowers. The problem with the logline is simply, its just too long. Too much info. The whole line "...Things go from bad to worse when the killer threatens the life of Chief Wilson's daughter unless he comes face-to-face with Mister Ultimate, the super hero that always defeats Doctor Demento in the comics...." should be taken out.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is pretty good. The logline is written well without any noticeable errors, but I feel like it's overly wordy. If you strip it down to the core story here, it'd flow much better. Regardless, the story sounds very entertaining. It definitely sounds like you've got a clear idea of the script you're going to write and I'm looking forward to checking out the first 10 pages. The concept sounds strong enough to fill the pages of a feature. The genre is very clearly a super-hero comedy.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is a great concept, with echoes of the web series Captain Blasto (only with the story inverted), and the potential to be a thoroughly entertaining action comedy.

The relationship between Bob Zuckerman to Mister Ultimate reminds me of that of Hiro Nakamura to Takezo Kenzei in Heroes (at least to an extent).

Why does the bad guy want to face the character who always defeats the character who he thinks he is? Is his comic book knowledge just very sketchy? :) Or does he believe the line from the rebooted Battlestar Galactica, "All of this has happened before and will happen again"? Or is he just really crazy?

Perhaps I'm geeking out too much in comparing this to other things, but it is fitting given the story.

"super hero" should probably be "superhero".

I'm looking forward to reading this one. And I expect lots of geeky references! :)

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I'm not sure about the title. It doesn't trip easily off the tongue.

The plot sounds fun and fascinating. I'm not a comic book expert but are these characters real, in which case you might have a copyright issue.

I realise you had to name Dr.Demento but I don't believe you needed to mention the other names. They just make your logline longer and more confusing.

Despite being under the character limit of 1000, I think this needs tightening up a lot to give it more impact.

Just a tiny example...

"When a psychopath escapes from prison, he does so believing that he is Doctor Demento"

"When a psychopath escapes from prison, he believes he is Doctor Demento"

CarrieAnn Lee (Level 3)

This sounds like a lot of fun and should be a pleasure to watch on screen. Your logline had everything needed; genre, main characters, hook, etc and your title is appropriate, but I think you could have conveyed all that you needed with half of the words. In some spots you were redundant. Clever idea though. Good luck. I hope you make it to the next round.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Tell me this is a comedy.
Not sure how to take it. "Realizing the only way to stop a villain is a hero" is misplaced where you have it. The way you stop a psychopath who thinks he's anything is good ole police work. However, to track him or anticipate his moves if he thinks he's a comic book villain, you need a comic book nerd. This is brilliant, but the way you have it worded completely threw me off.

I think this has potential and could be very entertaining, but it could go so many ways that I'm on the fence about it. If it advances guess we'll find out where you're taking it.

Oh, and you forgot to tell us the daughter falls for nerdy Bob.
Good luck.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Wow, there's a lot to take in here. Too much info can turn a reader off. A logline is supposed to draw the reader in. Give them enough to understand the protag, antag, and conflict. It must be compelling and draw the reader in. You've told me so much I'm no longer interested in what could be an interesting piece.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This title doesn't really work for me. It feels too "soft" and I wish it had more of the energy and zaniness of the story.

I really like the story a lot. I think it is original and it sounds like a lot of fun.

I imagine some will complain that this is too long and you probably could tighten it up a bit, but I still find it compelling.

I hope I get to read the first ten pages.

Chris Villafano (Level 3)

Nice concept. I looking forward to this superhero script.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Okay title. I like the premise it has good potential. Characters sound good realistic and believable. The pitch reads well maybe it could be trimmed to flow more. The genre feels like a comedy but could easily be an action adventure. You may want to change the pitch to highlight the genre more.

Damien Deefholts (Level 3)

i like the title.

names in loglines dont work for me.

it feels too long...I was lost at line three.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I think you're painting TOO much of a picture here. Just give us the BASIC premise of the movie. Who is our protagonist? What does he/she want? Who's tring to stop him/her (antagonist), what happens if the protagonist succeeds? Fails? Where does the story take place. This looks like this can be a funny idea, but it's just way too much information for a logline.

David Birch (Level 5)

this was just a little too convoluted for my taste...probably suffered by the generous guidelines...should have tightened it up a little...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I'm not sure how unique this concept is, do you own the rights to the Dr Demento character. I've seen (or rather heard) his program a long time ago. Are you him? Can you use the character without legal repercussions? Let's say you do and go from there.

The logline is overly long for my taste. A high concept logline should be one, (or two) sentences that has me see the whole movie. You did have me see the whole movie here but with four sentences. It is visually precise and not at all confusing. You have all the required elements. But the concept itself is a bit goofy, a police chief enlisting the aid of a comic book acned nerd? Really, lol. At least I know this is a comedy.

I'm a bit old for this type of movie and probably would not watch it. I don''t see huge audience potential, but I can't speak for the other quadrants. Perhaps this would turn into a cult hit. I only question the use of an existing character and if it is not a character that you own outright, then the concept is not a unique original. You did however do a good job with the logline,IMO, according to the guidelines. Good Luck.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

Should gt a few laughs from this one.
Hope you make the top 30...can't wait to read more.
Good luck

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I think this logline is a little wordy and needs to be shaved down big time. But you know what? This concept is GREAT. One of my favorites thus far. The idea of creating a superhero to placate a certifiably insane "super villian" is fan-freaking-tastic.

That said: I think you can do better with the title, and I want you to really organize things with a little more streamlining than is on display in the logline. But bottom line: I hope I get to read the first ten pages of this one.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

This has FUN written all over it. Great concept, good characters, with a creative, and plausible way to have them all a part of the story. I look forward to the downfall of Demento, and the rise of the comic hero with Chief Wilson’s daughter in his arms.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Although this is not the kind of movie I would want to see, the log-line is good. Perhaps a bit too much like a synopsis but well written. I would suggest that you try to make it shorter and more to the point. Excellent title.

Garrett Box (Level 4)

The problem is that this sounds like it was written by a boy in junior high school. It is sort of silly and it probably won’t be made because it seems that Hollywood only makes adaptations from comic/graphic novels.

Harriet Barbir (Level 0)

I liked the idea of the demented villain v the comic book nerd/hero. However, this lost some of its impact when the police chief's daughter is threatened, as she has no real connection to Bob (unless he's in love with her, but this isn't even implied in your logline). Given the title, it might have been better to know a little more about "her".

Hector Gutierrez (Level 3)

Great title and concept. A very original premise with lots of potential. Teaming a comic book nerd with a cop could lead to either comedy or suspense - or both, of course. I wonder if you're planning any romance between Wilson's daughter and Bob...

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

This could be very fun. The title makes it seem as if the POV might be the girl's , but I guess not. The logline runs a little long. I would say "..Zuckerman, local commic nerd". I don't think you need "help stop this crazed criminal". "Things go from bad to worse" is a cliche. Can you think of another way to express this that evokes something about your film? I am giving this a Very Good.

Jay Arbry (Level 3)

You might call this a comic book movie except comic books are usually a lot more sophisticated and interesting than this. This is like the plot of a Saturday morning cartoon. Over-the-top characters and corny plot twists and not much else.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

Hmmm... tough one to dissect. I think the logline, although long, gives a clear picture of the story. Unsure if it is made to sound interesting enough.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I really don't care for the title. The story sounds intriguing but I think the logline is very bulky and unwieldy. I'd like to see a shorter stronger logline because I think the story has potential.

Jeffrey Slocum (Level 4)

Sounds like it could be really cheesy. I think superhero films can be really good, and they can be really, really bad. Sounds like children could really like it, depending on who directs it. Curious to see what style is used. I get the feeling that a psychopath is not going to be depicted as crazed as he should be, but I could be wrong.

Joe Belzberg (Level 3)

This logline has me torn: I love some of it, but the rest needs to be edited. I'll start with the the good: the preimise. It's unique, and sounds like it could make a fun movie, I think I'd see it. However, this logline has a few things working against it. Most notably, the length. It's a high concept story, it should a shorter logline. You also don't need to name all of the character's in a logline. There's too many characters, I was almost losing track ase I was reading. "Police Chief Richarad Wilson" can be just the police chief; you can call Bob Zuckerman just a comic nerd. I love this concept, but a little bit of editing would make this perfect.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Too much going on in here. And I thought Dr. Demento was a 80's comedy musical act?

It does have a clear goal, a light and funny tone with a comic theme, and interesting characters. It feels a bit contrived and campy at the moment, but if you tone that down a little bit it could be an appealing action/comedy.

The title doesn't tell me much, perhaps something more direct like "Superhero" or "Mister Ultimate" could better get across the comic-book flavor of this.

John Brooke (Level 5)

For some reason, maybe the reading of your logline, I detect that this film is a zany comedy fantasy. I have to admit it, I really enjoy funny entertainment. I was hooked into your story within the first three lines. It is a delicious smorgasbord of Walter Mitty style opportunities for laughter.

Your logline is in my opinion unnecessarily lengthy and packed with more detail than you necessarukt need. You are of course within the suggested guidelines.
I enjoyed reading this and I’m sure it will attract others who want entertainment that results in laughter. Smiles.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

I have to praise you on an original sounding idea. I would consider rewriting the logline so that it flows better. At the moment there's too many names being thrown around. I would remove the name Richard Wilson and just call him Police Chief.

It's also not apparently clear why Demento threatens the Chief's daughter. I'm guessing it so he can face his nemesis Mister Ultimate one last time so that he can defeat him but I had to read twice to pick up on that.

Kirk White (Level 5)

there is a kernel of a good story in here but I can't really see it in the logline. Your premise is good. but I don't think you fully grasp what you want to tell or how you want to tell it. I'm thinking this should be a comedy but I don't get that from the way you've written the logline

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Title: It's all right, saved by the pun to Mister Ultimate. But the girl is not the main character, nor even the second character, nor even a love interest! So why is she featured in the title with that prominent "Her"?

Story: Besides being absurdly implausible and Make-A-Wish-A-Thon-ish, it actually sounds fun, as long as you invest the screenplay with as much humorous imagination as you've shown thus far.

Craft: Too many names, elongating the logline unnecessarily.

L. Scott Dunlap (Level 2)

Too wordy, reads like a synopsis rather than a logline. Too much detail, rework it until you get it down to just the core of the story. I had a difficult time telling if this to be a comedy or action/drama.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

It is good that each event builds upon the previous event. There is a fine line between sanity and madness here. The psychopath would have to have access to millions of dollars in order to actually pull this type of crime off. If that can be explained within the context of the script then this can work. A psychopath who manages to escape from prison running around in the wood looking for food and shelter won't be a threat to the police whether he thinks he's Doctor Demento or not.

I'm not sure of the genre. It could fall into a few. I think if it was a comedy it could end up too over the top.

The title is good, but it really builds up the damsel in distress. I'm guessing the nerd gets the babe in the end.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Title might work better without the "Her". I like this premise, and it'd be nice to see the comic geek get a little love.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Title: I like this title. It sounds pretty good and it goes with the story. Good title.

Story: This is an interesting storyline. It's not really my type of story, but it seems well thought out and unique. Good story.

Craft: Very few of the onger loglines have been as good as yours. You've includied alot of information. Some of it could be eliminated, but most of it adds to the loglineline. I think the spelling and punctuation are good. If I missed something, it must have been subtle.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I think this logline could use a trim to get it focused. I had to read it several times to get a grip on all the characters you mentioned and I'm still not sure who Mister Ultimate is. Is that the one Bob Zuckerman pretends to be? It sounds funny but for me the logline really threw me off. I know we were given a 1000 character limit but a logline should be clear and easy to understand on the first read. This was definately confusing. I do like the idea though.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Doctor Demento is a radio DJ I believe, (in)famous for releasing Weird Al Yankovic on an unsuspecting world.

This sounds good. There's a big in-built audience for this kind of thing, and I would probably include myself in that audience, depending how the material's treated.

Mister Ultimate sounds like a lame superhero. You might want to rethink the name (I'm not a fan of the Ultimate Marvel imprint either).

Otherwise it looks fun.

Matt Johnson (Level 3)

I think the overall idea of the story is pretty decent. It just seems too long and it names names, which supposedly you're not allowed to do in a logline. If you shorten it into something

"After a prisoner, who acts like Doctor Demento, escapes from prison, the local police enlists a comic nerd to defeat him."

Something along the lines of that.

Matthew Belanger (Level 3)

These sentences need to be more active. Using the passive voice ('does so believing', 'is with', 'must become') slows down the action of the content of the sentence, and does really give a vivid idea of what the action will be.

ex: When a psychopath escapes from prison, he does so believing he is Doctor Demento. or A psychopath escapes from prison assuming the identity of Dr. Demento, a villain from a popular comic book.

Also, why would the police chief call a local comic book guy to be the man to track Demento's movements? I think it would be more interesting if the comic book guy followed the news about Demento's crimes which maybe had some link to the comic book crimes he commits. That way he's more active i wanting to help, but has to convince the police chief he can help and knows how to catch him. The police chief becomes an obstacle, and there is more conflict (Basically the relationship between Die Hard's John McClain and any skeptical police chief assigned to the job.)

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

Very interesting concept. The log-line seems a bit long though, a bit too much detail. I had to read it three times before I really understood it.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

There is way too much information in this logline. I can appreciate that you have your story well thought out but give me some initiative to read it. Try something more like this:

A comic nerd must become his favorite super hero, [super hero name], in order to save the police chiefs daughter from a man who thinks his is [super hero name]'s arch-nemesis.

The title isn't bad but it kind of reminds me of 'The Greatest American Hero'. I'm not sure I would watch this based on the title.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: good feels comedic, could also be a romance. Fits well with the story.

Story: great, comes over as an action comedy. Fabulous idea, I'd be interested in seeing this. Who's the protagonist though? the chief or Bob? Feels like Bob's movie, maybe could make this clearer.

very well thought out storyline here with clear goals, obstacles and interesting characters.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

The concept is very good. The title and logline do all the checklist of things that they should do. The presentation, however, is a little too prosaic and formulaic. It does not particularly sell the idea. The professional (agent or producer) might want to see the script in spite of the pedestrian logline.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

My score is based on clearly stating each of these major story elements (Get a Yes in each to earn an Excellent):

Protagonist: Yes
Goal: Yes
Antagonistic force: Yes
Stakes: Yes
Accurate Portrait: Yes

Some personal thought about your synopsis:
You have alot of work to do to keep this energy flowing for 90 to 120 minutes. as a synopsis, it's fine. as a feature-length movie, I can't imagine it will do very well. then again, you just never know.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Interesting, if a little predicatble. Usually, there is a drastic physical difference between superheroes and the nerds who idolize them, so I am not sure how this could be worked out in the story without being too much like a copywritten character. Also, the title implies that the daughter is more important to the story than described.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

I like this a lot. When I saw the length of your logline I was worried. Every other logline of a similar length I have read this month has been rambling and ineffective. Yours is not and benefits from the length to explain the story. Of course, if required for a specific purpose, you should also be able to grab attention with a shorter logline. In fact I would recommend you try to tighten this a little. Whenever I am forced to keep to a meagre word count, I always find the shorter version is punchier and more effective than the longer winded one.

Patrick T. Lo (Level 0)

I have to read it four times before I can understand what's happening. You can definitely trim it down and structure it better so it's easier to read:

"Police Chief Wilson enlists Bob Zuckerman, the local comic nerd, to track down Doctor Demento, a psychotic prison-escapee who believes he's a super-villain from a popular comic book. To do so, Bob must become the comic hero he has worshiped for years... Mister Ultimate."

Other than that, it could work. I'm not sure about the title though.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

This is more of a synopsis than a logline, but the premise is good. I'd love to see you try and trim this down to a brief, concise logline if possible. Like I said, the premise is good and Dr. Demento definitely needs to make a comeback. This would be an interesting read, and definitely a good flick. Work on trimming up the premise into a logline and you got something special here. Good luck.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

The logline is not really the place for me to learn about and remember named characters specifically.

There's quite a few superhero stories, but as long as they keep on making billions of dollars, I guess writers should keep on pumping them out. There is the risk of these stories getting burnt out though.

This logline can be shortened a bit, to create less of a synopsis feel. Some clarity should be added as well. From what I gather, Antagonist escapes from prison, Protagonist attempts to capture him with the aid of a specialist, the protagonist's daughter then becomes invlolved in the danger.

Title: Not bad for a superhero story, good play on words.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

This is a funny idea, and the story and conflicts are clear. It does read like a synopsis rather than a logline, and I think you could shorten it quite a bit if you pull out the really important information. It's well written, but like in a screenplay, a six-line paragraph looks formidable and sinks the expectation of a sleek, funny read.

The main ideas you can condense this story down are: escaped psycho thinks he's a supervillain, kidnaps the Police Chief's daughter, Bob the comic nerd called in to impersonate Mister Ultimate. Those are the elements that should sell the story - the rest I can wait to see in the script.

The title is a little off, because the Chief's daughter isn't a main focus in the logline (who I presume the title references). "Ultimate Hero" is more on the mark but less interesting. The play on Ultimate is a little corny, but it might still work.

This could be just my problem, but "Dr. Demento" is a mock radio personality from the 80s. I was quite excited, actually, by the idea of someone who thought he was the REAL Dr. Demento, and so the actual story was a bit of a letdown. That's probably just me, though, so it's neither here nor there.

This will likely be a funny and imaginative script, it just needs a little better sell from the logline.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Typical superhero movie...or is it? :) I like the premise of a deranged lunatic acting out his childhold hero(villian). Reminds me a little of Last Action Hero, sort of and I think this could be pretty good. I think your logline had a little too much desciptives in it but you did basically tell the whole story. Which is the right thing to do, right? I Think. Either way you have a very good from me. Good luck with this one.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Too long and too relient on superhero knowledge. For a pitch, you give too many character names and use them in full when what we really need is more story. I'd say there are far too many superhero pitches. We need more original characters and original stories. This one just didn't work for me.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

The title is good and links up to the logline clearly. The logline itself drawn out. Including the characters' names in the log line requires me to work too hard. I would try to trim this down a bit. I don't think longer loglines are necessarily bad, but as you have this written, there seems to be too much here.

Not to say this is better, but here's what I'm trying to say:

A small town's comic book expert is enlisted by the police chief to play hero to save the chief's daughter from an escaped psychopath who believes he is a comic book villain.

Now that's a bit of a run on sentence but you get the point. Again, I'm not saying I'm an expert. That's my opinion.

Good luck.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I like the "Super Heroes" angle. This script sounds like it's full of action and subplots. I will say, however, that I think you explained more than you need to. You could have tightened this up and kept most of the content without basically telling the whole story. I do like this idea, though. I'd like to read the script.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The "Her" in the title is hardly given much description or mentioned in detail in your logline.

Is she a comic book nerd or lover?

Is Doctor Demento supposed to be a killer or a comic killer? How dark is the story supposed to be?

Bob sounds interesting and his skills in comic trivia sounds well researched. I hope it is.

What does Bob do besides read comics? How would the Police know he is the local comic nerd?

You have established the villain quite well but Bob needs some backstory. Also we really need to learn more about the Chief's daughter. She is playing an important part after all.

This has interesting characters to make me wanna read the first ten pages.

But the clear description of genre and some backstory elements have to be chalked out better.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Fun.. I would like to see more of this. I think this has a fun concept, and a fun idea. It's out of the box and I like that. The logline is a bit long for me. But it didn't stop me from wanting to read more. Hope this does well.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This could be a really fun movie, but the logline is much too long, and it's all over the place. I recommend that you identify the key elements of your story (just a few), and weave your logline around them. It seems to me that your key elements might be these: 1) a psychopath believes he's a comic book villain, 2) the police chief enlists the aid of a comic nerd, 3) to play the role of the comic book hero who routinely defeats the villain in the comics. I'm sure all the names and details are very important to your story, but they just muddy up the logline and make it more confusing and less interesting. (Also, FYI, there's really a Dr. Demento. He has a nationally syndicated radio show, and he plays wacky novelty songs and parody songs.)

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

In my honest opinion the logline is too long. It should span only one or two sentences. And the idea of a "Super Hero" theme doesn't do much to get my interest going. I think you give too much away in the body of the logline.

My first thoughts about your title are this: sounds like the name of a "Super Sex Toy."

Anyway, for me it was just fair.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Excessive verbiage and rambling prose do not make for an impactful logline. This is also loaded with cliches "things go from bad to worse" and the "damsel in distress". I also suggest not naming the protagonist (who I can only assume is Bob) or the police chief. I suggest reworking this so it's about the PROTAGONIST's challenge and goal.

More like:

A nerdy comic book collector is enlisted to help the chief of police rescue his daughter from the clutches of a psychopathic escaped convict who thinks he's the living incarnation of a super-villian.

Strip the logline to the essence of the story and leave out all the details and specifics.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Fair, yet unimaginative.

Logline: Poor.

Doctor Demento? Really? Where's the bong? Did you think that nobody remembers KMET?

This was insulting to the people who gave this contest serious thought.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

I think this is a great concept. I'd just cut down the logline a lot and distill it to the basic premise. There's a great logline in there, it's just buried beneath stuff that I'm sure is interesting in the actual story, but doesn't seem all that relevant to the logline.

Tracy Ryan (Level 3)

I gave this a good rating because the premise is interesting. But the logline is too long. It is more like a short synposis. You would need to get this down to two sentences. Leave off a ton of the detail and highlight the hero and his journey. The premise is so fresh that a shorter logline would suffice.

Vicki Davis (Level 3)

I love this. I think it is very well writen, and I like the idea of one psycho's delusion causing a hero to emerge, but also feed into the delusion. It is an interesting premise. I like all of the specifics in your log line, the characters, there gals, and the obstacles. great Job.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Great scenario. Super heroes are highly marketable and will be for years to come. If you can tap out great comedy, then I think you have a winner here. The title is confusing, because the logline makes it seem like this is Bob's story, not "her's".

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

When reading the logline, this title popped into my mind, "Alternate Hero". Just wanted to share that information.

I do not think you need you need - "...the villain from a very popular comic book." If people get it, they get it. You reference the comic book with Mister Ultimate, you don't need two references in there.

Sounds like fun.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Good idea, but "Dr. Demento" is the novelty song DJ who discovered Weird Al Yankovic. Your logline is too long and gets confusing with all the names. Edit it down and make it cleaner and leaner.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

The story sounds really fun, and the title could work. However, this is not a logline. This is a short synopsis. It should be less than half this long. Also note: Doctor Demento is a famous radio personality.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/2/2009 9:04 AM

I feared that too many people would think this logline was too long. But, I really loved it. I thought it had great style. Best of luck with this story.