Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

The premise seems interesting but its just seems to be missing something that makes it more compelling. I think you have a good idea started here but it just needs something more of a hook than just a mute teenager with abilities.

Maybe if they were clarified more and how they impact people it might elevate this into a more high concept idea.

Aleem Monroe (Level 3)

The logline is good, and gives the right information for me to feel like I understand the story. Twenty five percent of the loglines I've read have to deal with some kind of teen or youngster with mental abilities who's powers put people close to them in danger.

Alex Hollister (Level 4)

Another logline that may well be part of a great script, but ultimately fails to capture anything that might make the story unique. What are his extraordinay powers? Why does trying to live a simple life have a detremental effect on those around him? If the kid is mute then whee are the characters that will drive the story? It's a hard task having a mute protag without some kind of foils to drive the plot. Who are they?

Ali Jordan (Level 2)

This sounds like an interesting idea for a script. I'm not sure about the title, though. Not only does it seem like a mouthful to me, I don't have any experience of people pairing "nephew" with the person's name. At least where I'm from, that's limited to aunt and uncle. Maybe the title will make more sense in the later context, but it is also kind of hard to say.

Austin Jones (Level 4)

Is Liam homeless? On the run? Is he really the nephew of the childless couple? I sorta understand your last sentence but the conflict is not set out clearly. I feel like you are making an observation without truly defining the obstacle. What is Liam trying to accomplish in your story? I like the title...it is simple and tells us what your movie as about.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

I like the sound of everything but title, but I'll ignore that. Sounds very interesting indeed. But I feel you'll be walking the line between fantasy and reality, which could be tricky.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4)

Title: Doesn't really flow together. I like it, but it doesn't sound right saying it out loud.

Logline: What are his extraordinary abilities? As it is it makes me wonder, but I'd prefer to hear it in the logline. It doesn't seem to be a big mystery in the story so reveal it here and use it to your advantage.

Story: Reminds me of "Powder". I like some magic mixed in with my drama. I'm not completely sold but it does have me curious. A strong first 10 pages will be real important.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The title is unique, but it's not a grabber. The teens special abilities should be conveyed here or else we have no idea what kind of a script we're talking about. Is he a great painter? A psychic? Can he travel through time with the blink of an eye? That's something that is vital to the story and should be identified in the logline. It's also written fairly passively and that makes it seem like there won't be a lot of action propelling it forward. There's no spelling or grammar errors. I don't feel like this logline gives us enough information about the story and because of that, I find it hard to imagine how this could fill a feature length script. The genre isn't clearly defined. My guess would be either drama or science fiction, but I could also see it going the comedy route.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

I try to have a moment after reading loglines to think about the potential each project could have. And, if written as well as your logline i think it could be a favorite here.
Now when i think of camera directions and visual ways to represent the story(since he's mute) i really believe it oculd be great.

Good luck with everything!

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

The concept of a character having superpowers has potential, but tone of the logline suggests that the treatment of this might be too "worthy" and downbeat. Also, the title makes it sound like a manipulative, mawkish TV movie, whether or not this is true of the script.

The phrase "could prove disastrous" suggests a depressing ending, but at least "could" means that this isn't necessarily the case, so it's not a foregone conclusion.

The logline does provide a reasonable overview of the story, and doesn't completely give away the ending.

What are these "extraordinary abilities"? Are they interesting in themselves, or just there to move the plot forward?

There is conflict, between what the teenager wants and what the town wants, but it's unclear whether this is going to be presented in a balanced way or not. The reader is told that the town "demands his attention and a share of his glory". What about their need for a hero to help them solve whatever problems need to be solved with these vauge abilities, versus his desire for a simple life (and his freedom, if there's any element of coercion involved)? This is a far more interesting conflict than what is at present a caricature of the town. Perhaps the group that "demands his attention and a share of his glory" could just be a small, obsessed fanclub (with club t-shirts?), thus adding some humour?

This sounds like the beginning of an origin story on Heroes: the melodramatic stuff that happens before it becomes compelling.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I loved the logline and the story idea but the title didn't do much for me.

This is a film that I would like to see. I love films like this.

I think if I just saw the title I wouldn't give it a second glance, though!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I am on the fence about this one.

Really like the idea of the mute kid with miraculous powers but it could go so many directions that it's tough to know just how good the idea is. Can't you share what the miraculous powers are, or at least give us a hint?

It doesn't make sense that the entire town would "demand a share of his glory." First of all, what glory? Second of all, how could they possibly demand that? I know some talented kids, but I would never demand to share in their glory, I mean, who would. Maybe there is a context within which this makes sense, but you really haven't shared that with us here.

Then I don't really get how his desire to have a simple life combined with whatever the miraculous powers are, could possibly prove disastrous for those who love him - who I am guessing is the childless couple? I can see how the combination of these two things (his desire to have a simple life and his powers) might prove disastrous for him and perhaps as a result, to those who love him - but you don't seem to be concerned about Liam - only the childless couple. Don't really understand that, and of course, if I knew what the miraculous powers were, then I might.

I do like the core idea here and could see this developing into an interesting and touching drama, but I really need to know more from you so I can decide it you plan on taking it there.

Good luck.

Cheryl Laughlin (Level 2)

The logline has me intrigued, which is what it's supposed to do. So kudos. Just a tiny note, the title seems a bit more generic when the logline seems to tell of something more extraordinary. But those are just my random thoughts. The logline works nicely. Thank you for letting me read your logline.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Not bad, not bad at all. It could be tweaked some more, but I think you'll do that anyway. I can't wait to read your first 10 pages.

The title sucks though.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The title is okay. I assume Liam is the mute teenager, but why the word Nephew? I wish I knew how it connected to the story.

Your logline reminds me of mine (not a bad thing), but I fear we have both made the same mistake. In an effort to keep some of the mystery of the story, you have not shared enough to make it compelling. What is this "extraordinary ability" he has? That is the "hook" of the story and what makes people want to read on. I think you have to share that.

Still, I am very intrigued by this and I hope I get to read your first ten pages.

Chris Villafano (Level 3)

Great logline.I am curious as to what the mute teen's abilities will be.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Title is okay. But the problem is you do not mention his special ability and this is the key element to the film. I like the contrast of being mute with abilities but I need to know more. I do not understand the threat to those who love him. The genre is not completely clear.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

There's a good premise here that promises quality drama and conflict. This is reminiscient of Victor Salva's 1995 movie release, "Powder" in which the circustances are very similar.

Depending on how you spin it, this could turn out to be somthing familiar but different or a total cliche. There's a fine line here, and you're right up against it, but there's still plenty of room to pull it off.

The title is simple and low key, but not bad. The logline is pretty tight and has all the elements needed to give the reader a solid feel for what the story is about.

David Birch (Level 5)

a unique concept...would have appreciated a tighter delivery...good luck...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I like the title. Simple in words but it makes me want to read the logline.

The premise is interesting. I sense the two sentences could be blended into one tighter sentence to have impact that is more dramatic. With what sounds like an intriguing story, a more refined logline could make this effort a real winner.

Hope to have a chance to read the first ten pages of this one.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This sounds like a well worn concept, but you've given it a twist. Although the logline generates somewhat confusing questions about the story, I can see it from the two sentences. Good job.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

This sounds great. I love your premise and it is well applied in your logline. Best of luck...I gave this an excellent.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

Let’s hope you resolve his conflicts in a positive way. We ponder what his miraculous powers are. Looks like you have the format for a tearjerker.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

The logline is very good but can be streamlined. Look at the adjectives to see if they are all necessary to the logline. Some words that might be able to be eliminated include "childless", "simple", and "miraculous". I think the title could be more attention-getting.

Garrett Box (Level 4)

Reminds me of “The Boy who could Fly”.

Harriet Barbir (Level 0)

The title isn't any help when trying to understand this, unless the couple pass him off as their nephew? It would be good to know what his extraordinary abilities are. Even so, his "glory" kind of indicates that there's been media attention, which raises the question, wouldn'this real family then find him? Also, not sure how his wanting to live a simple life and his miraculous powers proving disastrous to those who love him - the people who love him most, surely, are his parents, from whom he has been taken. And (for them at least) isn't his being taken a disaster in itself? Do you mean the couple who took him here? If so, why should an audience feel sympathy for them, rather than his parents?

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

I like this kind of story, and I think the logline is well-written. I am not a fan of the title. It sounds very stilted, and although it probably serves to give us a bit of the culture of the couple, I don't know if it has the right "vibe". "Liam" might be better.

Jay Arbry (Level 3)

Why would a teenager be "taken in" by a couple? "The combination of miraculous powers and the desire to lead a simple life"? What does that mean? This is way too vague and open-ended to be interesting.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

I like the descriptive words you used in the logline. I'm not understanding yet where the title comes from.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I thought it was good on a first read through. However it grew on me a bit in further readings. It's very simple, but I think it could be very powerful. Well written this could be the best of the bunch.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Some really cinematic possibilities here. You're really giving us the promise of a dramatic, character-driven piece, which is great. However, this leaves too many questions. Foremost, what are his "extraordinary abilities"? Without knowing that, we can't understand what this movie will be about. Also, I'm not sure how a "desire to live a simple live" could prove disastrous". What's the specific, tangible consequences that he's facing?

This is a really promising start, but you need to tell us more. The title isn't a home run, but I like it and it seems like a good fit for your story.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You’ve written a compelling logline that has got me hooked. I would love to see this kind of film. In my imagination you have promised me an evocative story chock-a-block with adversity and emotional tensions. A young simple hero overcoming all the odds stacked against him. I want to see this film.

The title is intriguing and in light of the logline is enigmatically tame. I’m sure you will unlock it’s meaning in a powerful way in your

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Sounds pretty good. I would suggest you clarify "extraordinary abilities" -- are we talking superhuman fantasy (e.g. X-men) or something similar to "Rainman"?

Also I think that "demands his attention" and "share of his glory" are too similar making one of them redundant. I'd consider simplifying into one statement.

Kirk White (Level 5)

this reminds me of Powder mixed with Phenomenon. I don't see anything unique in your voice here. it reads a little sterile...write by numbers...like a tv guide entry

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Title: Pretty cool. I'm not one for character names in the title, but this one seems to work somehow.

Story: You haven't sunk the hook into me. What miraculous powers does the kid have? Tell me, intrigue me. Why are the powers so dangerous? Surprise me with your imagination, give me a hint!

Craft: It flows very well, just is missing that key piece of info to make me go "Wow".

Laureen Muller (Level 4)

I am guessing that Liam is the mute teenager. Title is simple but not sure it ties to the story. Are they calling him their nephew or son? It tells more about the effects on others then the story of him. I am not sure if I would be reading a script about the couple, the town, the boy or all. I would read on to see where this story takes me...but would have liked more clarity in the log line to tell me the focus of the story along with the conflict. Also, not sure what kind of powers you refer to, extraordianry and miraculous are very different.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

This movie might be worth a look. Good job.

Lizzayn Shaarawi (Level 3)

Good title, though a bit on the bland side. The logline is good. The premise isn't jumping out at me as something I'd want to see, but you've done a good job writing the logline.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Title: I like this. I want to know what the story's about. I can't tell what genre it's going to be, but I'm still interested. After reading the logline I still don't know if the title fits, but I'm guessing it does and I like it. Good title.

Story: This sounds like it could be interesting. I'd be willing to take a look at the movie. Good story.

Craft: This could be tightened up a bit. It's off balance somehow. The spelling and punctuation seem good. Good craft.

Good work.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Very nice title and an intriguing logline. I think if you pinpoint his abilities a bit more, like what do they have to do with? Ghosts? Reading mknds? Healing powers? Super human strangth? I don't think you need to get totally specific but I think it needs to be mentioned. Honestly, I'd want to know what his powers were before I went to see the movie. I love ghost type stories so if it was something like that I'd be interested. But if it was healing powers, I may not be as interested, but other people may. It almost changes the genre...whatever his powers are. It sounds like a drama but whatever specific powers he has could add a sub genre. Am I making sense? Anyway...I liked it! Very good job. :)

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

"could"
Take this word out. Someone reading it wants to know that something's going to happen eventually!

This sounds interesting. I like how you make his powers more mysterious than the average superhero movie. I'm guessing that he can read people's thoughts? That would definitely prove disastrous to those who love him.

Matthew Scott (Level 2)

This got off to a great intriguing start, and it's well written with an economic use of words. I feel like the concept goes a bit vague toward the end with less detail than the start.

I would love to get hints of what unique ability this teenager has, and how the town wants to profit from his ability. In my opinion, your logline should inspire images of possible scenes from your film - scenes that are uniquely possible within the world of your idea.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I like this for the most part, but I think the title is a tad awkward. It needs a catchier title.

The story sounds like it's been done before, but that's awful hard to tell from only two sentences.

Let's read the first ten.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

The title is okay but lacks a little punch. Doesn't really grab me. The first sentence of the logline is very good. It offers a quick descriptive insight to the plot and mood of the story. I think it works fine all by itself. I believe you could do without the second sentence all together.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: good, intriguing, has a mystical feel to it which fits with the logline.

Story: Strong, you give us an interesting protagnist with a clearly defined goal and a big obstacle to overcome. It feels as though it will be a character study/drama.

Craft: ok, would suggest removing the comma before 'but' and exchanging but for 'and'.

I'd like to know more about his abilities, they're a bit vague at the moment and it doesn't intrigue me as much as it could.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

My score is based on clearly stating each of these major story elements (Get a Yes in each to earn an Excellent):

Protagonist: Yes
Goal: No
Antagonistic force: Yes (I'm assuming the mute teenager is the antagonist?)
Stakes: Yes
Accurate Portrait: No

Some personal thought about the log line:
There are just a few choices I didn't understand why you went there. why a mute teenager? Why a childless couple? should you tell us more about the extraordinary abilities rather than leaving it so vague? how did his extraordinary abilities turn into miraculous powers? when did the mute teenager ever mention he wanted to live a simple life? I'm not sure these questions all need to wait until the movie is seen/read. the title seems rather bland. I'd like something that relates to the theme you'll be proving (or disproving).

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

This sounds good but just didn't quite grab me enough. I'm not sure why. Possibly a hint of what his miraculous powers actually are may help. When the logline is too vague, the reader has little hope of getting a distinct idea of the movie the script could become. Also while you write about miraculous powers and disastrous consequences, the language just doesn't sound like you're very excited about it.And if you're not, no-one else will be.

Patrick T. Lo (Level 0)

I like it. It has a lot of human quality to it.

I feel that the title could be better. Maybe if the title was something about the story rather than the character.

Now I'm left wondering what his extraordinary abilities are...

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

This is very interesting. The title is fitting, although it looks like you could have gone a lot of ways with it. Also, the last sentence is unnecessary in my opinion. This logline is very powerful with one sentence. A mute teenager is taken in by a childless couple, but when he displays extraordinary abilities the entire town demands his attention and a share of his glory. Great job.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

I think the second sentence is redundant, or at least could be easily assimilated into the first. The fact that the town is demanding a share of his glory is conflict enough, or at least it will clearly "prove disasterous".

The only new addition is "his desire to live a simple life", which could be replaced by a single adjective like "reticent" (not sure if that's exactly the right word, since I don't know enough about the character).

The title and plot are good, though a little derivative of movies like "Phenomenon" or "Powder". I'm sure your script might have a fresh take on the subject, but as a selling logline, it doesn't separate your script from the pack.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

I really like the idea of your story and your logline pulls me in nicely. It gets to the point quickly and leaves me wanting more. Ths could be a front runner for the loglines in my opinion.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

It's hard to tell how this will be presented in the film. It reads like a pure drama but I wished for one element in the logline itself -- a mute teenager is taken in -- why start there? How did this mute teenager get left alone was a pressing question for me? I also thought 'demands his attention' was an oddly phrased way of saying that the town becomes curious of his powers. If he uses his powers for good, wouldn't they vie for his attention? Demands someone gives me the impression that they're entitled. The last sentence also felt a bit awkward. Couldn't it prove disastrous for the teenager as well? It led me to question the focus of the story. It's not a bad logline. I felt it lacked clarity.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Charming title. I like the style of the logline. You crafted it well. Your choice of words is good, seems like every one counts. the end of the logline could be improved. It's unclear about how his desire could prove disastrous.

Is it because the town wants so much from him that they will be upset with his loved ones? That's what I got from the logline.

I'd like to see where this is headed. Is the mute teenager the protagonist? Or is it the parents? The title is about the teenager, the story is also about the teenager. You can see the conflict that will come as his desires conflict with the entire town.

Good luck with the voting.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

Simply put, an interesting idea. I'm curious to see where this goes.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Very memorable title this. Sounds like a drama or coming of age story.

The primary characters have been given a bit of backstory but we don't really know who they are or what their motivations are.

Where did the mute teenager come from? Did they adopt him on a chance meeting?

What are his miraculous powers?

This reminds me a bit of "Phenomenon" and even "Michael" to some extent. Both Travolta films where he has special powers.

Now unless you tell us whether his extraordinary abilities are more along the lines of healing or destruction we won't be sure what to expect.

To me the concept is intriguing but I don't see elements that might suit a feature length. You have a great start and end but the huge middle elements haven't been disclosed and therefore I can't quite visualize the structure.

I want to learn more but still wish to be at logline level before you convince me to read the first ten pages.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Just a tad too long, but I think the logline is good and I like the premise of the story. The title is intriguing to me. I hope this one is one of the chosen 30.

Sam Krump Johnson (Level 2)

What are his extraordinary abilities, and what sets this apart from every other "disabled man who can do one thing really well, so everyone tries to exploit him" story?

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Seems like an interesting story idea, and the logline is pretty good, too. Two things, though. First, it could be pared down a bit. For example, you could eliminate the phrase "is taken in by a childless couple." It's probably very important to your story, but not to the logline. Secondly, I find phrases like "could prove disastrous to those who love him," kind of vague and frustrating. It tells me there's more to the story, but it doesn't really give me a good feel for what it is. And it's counterintuitive -- how could miraculous powers and his desire to live be disastrous? I'm sure it's a key part of your story, and adequately explained in the screenplay, but give us a little more in the logline, so we have some inkling of what to expect. A little glimpse at his dilemma might be the perfect hook to sell the screenplay.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Kind of like Phenomenon with a hint of Lars and the Real Girl. I think it could work out pretty well and be a heartwarming reminder to love, for those with families.

Is the childless couple his Aunt and Uncle? That would make the title relevant. If not, then the title has a bit of 'splaining to dooooo! Also, I like that you didn't come out and say what his powers are, just hinting that he has some. This works for me, but it might not work for some of the other readers.

I am curious though, who are "those of love him" is it the childless couple that may or may not be his Aunt and Uncle? Obviously the entire town doesn't love him! The logline is a bit misleading. But, you've got the essentials down and I'd still like to read the script.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Intriguing. I like how it's sharply focused on the protagonist's dilemma and the possible consequences, it also makes me want to know what his miraculous powers are. Very Good.

Tim Aucoin (Level 4)

Reminds of the premise of Powder(1995).

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Good. Not sure why, but I like it.

Logline: Good. As with so many, it fails to address all of the aspect of a true logline, but this was written in the spirit of a logline and does accomplish some of what is required.

In the end, it sounds like a movie I might want to see, so you succeeded to some degree.

My biggest suggestion: This sounds like a cross between "Powder" and "Phenomenon". You need to differentiate it a bit more and tell us how the child and family overcome the problems inherent in his powers.

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

Is this the logline for Edward Scissorhands? I kid... kind of. Very similar plotline, it seems. But, if it's one thing Hollywood is good at (or at least willing to do), it's reworking tried and true concepts and material.

Not knowing what it is, I'd lean toward including what his extraordinary abilities are. Yes, a logline line should "tease" a reader somewhat, but I think this is a major plot detail that should be included.

Overall, good job.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

To Start with, this remind me of the logline from the film "Powder" and several other movies that are similar in theme.

That aside, I like the title and the writing itself is strong, its easy to read and is very visual and well done.

Very good!

Vicki Davis (Level 3)

I think this is a very well written log line. I don't care however for the title. I have an idea of the cast of characters, where they are and what obstacles are in the way of there goal. This logline intrigues me to find out more, what is the ability, and how does the entire town try and take credit or shine in his unwanted spotlight. Very interesting concept.

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0)

It's a well written logline with a sympathetic character but I'm not sure I would want to read or watch a story where the main character doesn't talk. You might think Helen Keller, but I think her teacher was actually the protagonist there! I would also like to know a bit more about who or what is the antagonist here, the entire town? What are his extraordinary abilities? Good luck, I think it's an interesting idea.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Sounds like the deaf version of "Powder". Powder was sucessful, so maybe this is a good thing. I think it's worded perfectly; you tell us everything we need to know: his desire, his outer struggles, etc. The simple title fits the simple concept. Super job!

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Well-written, but this rings of "Powder" and "Phenomenon".

Try rewriting the logline to show us how different and original your story is from the rest.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

This looks like an OK logline in terms of format and info. I'm not sure about that "could" in the last sentence. Does it or doesn't it? You're allowed to spoil the ending in a logline. The movie sounds a lot like "Powder." I'm only halfway convinced that I would want to see it. Title sounds fine.

Comments Made After the Contest

Nick Miranda (Level 4) ~ 3/2/2009 12:39 AM

I have, thus far, only read fifteen comments about my logline and I realize my glaring error. The title!

I think I can fix all the questions about the title, the characters, and story with only one word. Nephilim: the offspring of a human and an angel.

Liam is a nephilim; I was hoping more of you would get the clue of "miraculous powers" and figure that Nephew Liam was a play on words of the nephilim. I was trying to be witty and clever. I apparently failed.

Tom Shipley (Level 4) ~ 3/2/2009 7:09 AM

Hey Nick,

You were clever, but you just need to make sure the audience knows that background. You won't be able to do that in the logline, but I think the title would work if it's explained in the script, kind of like Rain Man.

Chris Keaton (Level 5) ~ 3/4/2009 8:50 PM

I get it. Now the title makes more sense. I would change the title, get it sold and then spring a title change on them and they'll say you're a genius. I actually gave you an excellent, apparently only a few of us appreciated your genius.