Comments Made During the Contest

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I like the title.

Very focused logline. I think you do a good job not over or under writing it.

I used to work for some video game developers; in a fight against those guys, I would put my money on the assassin :-). In the world of film, it promises to be an interesting battle of wits.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

Cool premise and title. I always had a bad feeling about mail order brides? But is this a comedy? action movie? both?
I hope I get to read the script for this.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

I don't like the title, mainly because it doesn't reflect the story at all and sounds more like a foreign romantic drama than an American comedy thrill ride. The logline is well crafted and there are no errors. The protagonist, antagonist, goals and obstacles are all well established. The story sounds very entertaining and is something I look forward to reading the first 10 pages of. I certainly get the feeling that you have a good enough handle on the story to fill the pages of a feature. Nice work.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

This is such an oddball entry i can't help but love it. I want something phenominal on the page! I'm rooting for you, good luck.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is a crazy concept, but has potential.

The high stakes mean that the script could be quite exciting.

However, it may suffer from a lack of sympathetic characters.

The word "outwit" disappointingly implies a battle of wits rather than something more action-packed, although the idea of the main character succeeding through their intelligence is appealing. However, this may not have been the writer's intention.

"After learning" should probably be "After learning that".

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Exciting title - I'm a great one for alliteration, and the name is exotic and immediately suggests the Russian connection.

The logline is spot on and I've nothing I can add to that :)

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

My only thought on this one is: "Why the hell didn't I think of it?"

Sounds brilliant. I want to read it right now.

Hope you do the first ten justice, this could be great. Excellent job.

Bravo!

Cheryl Laughlin (Level 2)

Good logline. I did wonder...is this a drama or drama with comedy? Maybe that little bit letting the reader know drama, would help visualize a bit better. But overall, sounds fun. Thanks for letting me read your logline.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Ah, a great logline. Can't say the story is compelling, but it's a fine logline. Although I can see some comic potential. Great Job! Can't wait to read your first 10 pages.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I like this title. It has nice alliteration and I think it works well with your story.

This story reminds me a little bit of the movie "Birthday Girl" (which I liked a lot). I think your story is compelling and I want to know more. I wish we had a few more details. Why and how did she double-cross the mafia? Does she really love her husband or him her? How does his video game design skills enter into his outwitting the assassin?

I think if you expand this a bit, it could be very good.

Chris Villafano (Level 3)

Short,but sweet. I like the logline.Interesting concept.

Christopher Castle (Level 4)

Good tile. I like the premise to this movie and the picth ticks most of the boxes for me. You could clarify the genre as it could be a comedy or thriller. Good luck. Maybe bring out the relevance of the videogame designer tag.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

You got me on this one... I liked it! Short and to the point. It tells me what the story is about and what to expect.

The logline is tight, the subject matter promises good conflict, and the title fits the bill.

Very good job!

David Birch (Level 5)

like the conflict of the mail order bride/russian mob angle...tight delivery on the logline (good, good, good)...best wishes on getting to the next round....

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I like a one sentence logline, and you have a fairly unique concept here with a "mail order bride," also good. I see the set up and hook, but not the resolution, excellent. It generates plot questions that are not confusing, also good. Will it appeal to a wide range of audience? Probably, I would watch this.

Very Good.

Elisabeth Dubois (Level 4)

Lol, sounds great...hope to see this one in the top 30...it could be twisted into such a great comedy.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

This is the 83rd review I've done for this contest and this logline is not top 30 for me...it's top 3. GREAT logline. GREAT.

This logline is so streamlined and is just BOOM, there you go. But look at the WEALTH of fascinating information that is relayed in this one simple sentence:

1)
Mail-order bride. That one phrase says VOLUMES about the main character AND the bride herself.

2)
Double-crossed the Russian mafia. Immediately high stakes and conflict.

3)
Videogame designer. Combine that with the mail-order bride tidbit and we have such a GREAT picture of the protagonist.

4)
Outwit a professional assassin. The goal and the stakes restated...along with the interesting dynamic of the videogame guy going against the REAL DEAL, a dynamic that Hollywood has been fascinated with since THE LAST STARFIGHTER.

Great job. Can't wait to read your first 10.

Ethelyn Boddy (Level 4)

A provocative logline, what I think a logline should be, and it promises an intriguing story. Right now, this is a favorite. Interesting characters in a complex setting. Good luck with this one.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

I don't understand the title ... is Karina Kiev her name? I would like the title "Mail Order Bride" better. The logline is perfect. I would love to read the screenplay and see the movie. Excellent!

Garrett Box (Level 4)

First, it’s pretty horrible to have a mail order bride, so that makes the protagonist a jerk. Second, mail order brides don’t go through the mafia. Three, how does a videogame designer help him outwit a professional assassin? Maybe if you dropped the whole Russian mafia/assassin thing and just focused on the life of a videogame designer who makes the bad decision of getting a mail order bride and have their two worlds collides. He could give her the option at the end to leave and then she stays for a heart warmed endind.

Hector Gutierrez (Level 3)

The title: I think using a non-famous proper name could make the movie difficult to sell. I'd suggest something else.

The story: Interesting choice of characters with potential for developing a solid conflict. Yet... a videogame designer outwitting the Russian mafia may break the suspense of disbelief if it's not handled properly.

Jane Beckwith (Level 4)

Pretty good, logline, very good title, but I've already seen this movie! I'm giving it a good. If your movie is not totally original - no one will mind, as long as the logline differentiates yours in a meaningful way. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and giving you a Very Good!

Jay Arbry (Level 3)

Russian mail-order brides, mafia types and, ho-hum, assassins giving chase. So what else is new? Not exactly a humanistic or naturalistic type of story, is it? This has corny b-movie written all over it. Oh, but a good title.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5)

It could be a good idea for a man that's into action.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

I would have liked a little more in the logline. It was a basic concept that would have benefited from some more information. I like a short logine, but when your using a tried and true format I think you need to sprinkle in some details.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Fantastic premise, and spelled out concisely and actively! Great setup too, I love the juxtaposition between a video game designer and an assassin. Really, no crits from me on the logline, I think you nailed it.

The title is the only weak spot for me, it's catchy, but it doesn't imply anything about assasins or video games and only obliquely about the Russian "flavor" of the movie. With a clear, catchy title this would be unstoppable. But that's a minor complaint.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Some buried vague memory of the film that this logline represents resonates in my mind. Is it deja vu? I have this vague feeling that I have read this work somewhere before this contest. Your logline is well crafted and invites the reader and fan of adventure dramas to view this film.

Of course the title is an integral part of the script.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

It sounds good and you don't get too many films about mail order brides and videogame designers. Perhaps you could state a little more about the designer (e.g. A shy videogame designer) but other than that a very good logline.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I like the new take on the woman with a mysterious past and the nerd who uses wit and wisdom to out do enemies who are stronger than he is. However, I feel like another line or two wold not have hurt. There is not too much being said about the actual plot. What is it that the russian mafia is sop upset about? They're not gonna blow resources and people to get to a single girl unless she has double-crossed them in a serious manner.

Not an overtly long explanation, but a subtle hint regarding the source of all the problems.

Overall I like the idea, it is Good.

Kim Kirchner (Level 3)

I like the alliteration in the title alot. It's catchy and easy to remember, which is great. The logline is also good. The story itself sounds really exciting and would make a great action movie. However, I think you may have been able to be even a little more specific with it- maybe replace "struggles" with something else. I'd just like more of an idea of what struggling entails for this guy. Nice job, all around.

Kirk White (Level 5)

premise is solid and intriguing but I get no sense of who he is or for that matter who YOU are as a writer. it's a thriller? it's a comedy? I can't tell.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Title: The double "K" makes it sound like a comedy, believe me or not. The title doesn't strike me as muscular enough to support the story. A simple thing to change.

Story: Immediate possibilities of love and action. Recipes every good story needs. I like it.

Craft: Seems marvelous.

L. Scott Dunlap (Level 2)

This is the first really good logline that I've read. Very direct and to the point. I'm curious, intrigued and can't wait to read the script. Well done.

Leigh Smith (Level 4)

The title allows the reader to get some idea of what the script is going to be about.

A videogame designer shouldn't be a match for a profession assassin. This story is the classic tale of brains over brawn, but how does the "beauty" fit into the equation. If she is the title character, she can't be the average mail-order bride. Also, she was somehow escaped the mafia and arrived in America.

I am interested in the motives of the mail-order bride. Does she come to love the main character or is she more trouble than she's worth? Have you thought about making the bride your main character? I would love to see how she double-crossed the Russian mafia.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Title and logline work together. You cover the protagonist and the threat. I'd be interested in seeing this movie.

Loraine Mcbarron (Level 3)

Sounds like a thriller to me and can see the obvious conflict of outwitting a professional assassin before he kills the mail-order bride. Is the assassin also out to kill the videogame designer as well is what I ask myself?

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Title: I like this title. It's attention getting and poetic. I'm expecting a story about a woman. Maybe a comedy, but I'm more inclined to think drama. After reading the logline the title is perfect. Excellent title.

Story: Very intriguing.

You know, I'm going to save myself some time here and just tell you that this is really excellent work. I'll be amazed if you don't make it to round two.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I think this needs a little more. Maybe an adjective to describe the guy. By reading the logline I can't tell what genre it is. It could be a comedy, it could be a suspense/thriller...so it need something more to pull me in and grab my interest.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Sounds funny. Action comedy is quite hard to pull off, but I think you can do it well from what your logline indicates.

All the concepts mashed together here actually compliment each other, and there's still enough plot to fill a whole movie.

I'm interested.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Very good concept and a solid conscise logline. My only suggestion is to add a little something to the end of the logline in order to fully reveal the concept. Something about him drawing from his repetoire of gaming skillz.

Great concept, though, I'd read it.

I'm guessing action/comedy or comedy/thriller

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I love the logline. I like the title. I think this is excellent and look forward to the first ten pages.

Michael Hoffman (Level 4)

I really like this entry. Title is catchy and enjoy the use of alliteration.
Also, love the simplicity and professionalism of the logline. We get the hero, villain and conflict in one quick and engaging sentence.
Very well done.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

Title: very humourous, instantly gave me a Russian flavour. But I don't get comedy from the logline. I get action thriller. Kiev is funny but doesn't fit with the rest.

I don't feel that the description 'videogame designer' adds anything, if he is struggling to outwit a major software corporation then it makes sense, if it is crucial to how he defeats the mafia then include it in the logline.

Story: we know his goal is to outwit an assassin but what's in his way? What must he learn? If his goal was to protect his bride or get her back then his obstacle would be the assassin.

It does not feel original. the double crossing mail order bride is quirky but outwitting an assassin is not. Find something to make your story stand out, if you're describing your hero as a games designer because he's a geek, just tell us he's a geek, that's instantly more interesting and humourous.

Nathan Goldman (Level 4)

I really like this one. The story sounds original and intriguing. The title and the logline clearly and simply sets it up and hooks the reader (and the viewer). Literally every word matters and is the right one. The writing gurus all preach economy and style, and this writer is obviously a true believer.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

My score is based on clearly stating each of these major story elements (Get a Yes in each to earn an Excellent):

Protagonist: Yes
Goal: Yes
Antagonistic force: Yes
Stakes: No
Accurate Portrait: No

Some personal thought about the log line:
I'm not very intrigued to actually watch this concept. mainly because the main character, a video game designer, is boring. I'm not sure what strengths he has that can defeat a professional assassin. also, because watching a video game designer struggle with a professional assassin is not entertaining.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

Quirky and still serious enough to go the distance as a feature. I think this has some high potential. The only issue, and I'm sure you would address this in the story, is why wouldn't the game designer just give the girl back to the mob. It isn't like they had a long courtship. I guess I'm asking: Why should he care about her? Just something to consider.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3)

Sounds intriguing. I like the concept and the logline but don't love it yet. Maybe the mail order bride who has the balls to double cross the Russian mafia can play more of a role than purely being decorative. Give her something interesting to add to the mix and it may just elevate the concept.

Oliver Webb (Level 3)

Sounds good! Solid set up. If you add one adjective that describes the video game designer, give him a add personlity-type, that would be great. Really good though.

Paul Jaworsky (Level 4)

I like the title and the logline. I like that it is brief and to the point. I seem to get a lot out of one sentence. It looks like their are a lot of ways to go with this one. Good luck. Nice job.

Pete Barry (Level 5)

Good title, good writing. I'm not so sure about the concept, but it has all the makings of a compelling full-length. It only occurred to me after three reads that it might be a comedy and not a thriller, but I won't mark you down for that. (The word that signals it is "outwit". Something more akin to survival might behoove a thriller.)

I'm rating your thriller with a top score; if it turns out I didn't get the joke and it's a comedy, well, you fooled me.

Peter Tolosa (Level 3)

This is a brutal concept. Solid log line, and I mean really fuckin' solid. It's all there in one breath. Beautiful. The title I'm not so sure about. That's your bag, though. I'd think on it.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I know there are some videogame designers on this website. Is this one of you writing your autobiography?!

The story here sounds solid although the mail order bride thing has a familiar ring to it and I don't know that this logline has a new angle in it that makes it stand out.

Being very picky on the title I'll make the point that Kiev is in Ukraine so you might expect a Ukrainian Mafia instead of a Russian one.

On the technique I appreciate the very short style you have used here, but I'd suggest that if it means being able to fit in a more distinctive concept, then expanding this would be a good move.

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Could be great. I like the idea of a video game nerd fighting off the mafia if it is more of a comedy. But if it's a drama I think it would be horrid...so I'm assuming that it is a comedy. But I'm told it should be evident in the logline and it has some hints but I don't think it is clear enough.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Lots of potential for high tech/high stakes chess here. A mail order bride though? Sad commentary on our videogame designer. Seems like a guy that would be hard to root for. I do like the pitting of a game designer against a professional assassin. It's kind of cool to link the hunter and the hunted in two different worlds against each other. There's something dangerous and tragic in the title. The more I look at this, the better I like it. Best of luck.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Simple and so very effective. Your choice of characters in itself paints a thorough picture. I can see the video game designer and the professional assasin. I'm giving this an excellent. The battle stage is set. Good luck. You should make the next round with this.

Rod Thompson (Level 3)

Its short and to the point, but doesn't really catch the attention. I'd say add a little more suspense to drive home the threat.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

I'm not exactly sure how the connection between a video game designer and a professional assassin will be made, but I'm intrigued to find out. I think a little more information could have been conveyed here. Still, I'm interested to learn more.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Very good. I think you get the point across perfectly. This is a good concise logline. Good title (although it doesn't really explain what the movie is about). The logline is just about perfectly laid out. I would definitely want to watch this movie.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Great logline! Totally believable premise, great combination of characters (Russian mail-order bride, video game designer, Russian mafia, assassin). This is a terrific idea for a movie, and your logline is very effective. Great!

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Sounds like a decent comedy. My one complaint is that I don't think that we need to know that our protag is a videogame designer, I would rather know something about him...about his problem he will try to overcome.

One of the better efforts though.

Steve Dexheimer (Level 4)

The title is great, and the story is clean and simple. Very easy to imagine what kind of script we're going to see out of this.
The only comment I have concerns the main character himself. You describe him as a videogame designer, which is fine, but I'd like to see that juxtaposed against the nemesis and the main obstacle. He has to struggle to outwit an assassin, which granted is hard enough for anyone to do, but why is it especially hard for a videogame designer? You could have said he was a garbage man or a stock broker and it doesn't change the story or up the stakes. But if he was a single father before Karina came along, or in a wheelchair or something like that, you immediately see how it's going to be tougher for him or the stakes go beyond just his own life. Or, if there's some special skill he has as a game designer that he'll bring to play to defeat the assassin.
Just a thought. You've still got a great idea to work with here. Good luck in the next round!

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

This sounds awesome. Conjurs an action adventure with comedic touches.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Title: Poor (doesn't hint in any way about what the movie is about. Sounds like a drama.

Logline. Excellent - I want to see this movie (even though it sorta reminds me of the Anthony Edwards 80's movie "Gotcha".

Combine the two grades and the overall is: Very Good

Tom Shipley (Level 4)

This is good. Great premise. the only thing I'd maybe take out is "videogame designer." It seems like that job is almost becoming as cliche as "an ad exec" and I don't think it adds anything to the logline.

But overall, very good job. I'd want to read this script.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

This is good, It's got some potential and I like the title, it makes you say, "hmmm, I wonder what that's about",
and for me thats crucial.

While I don't find the logline wholly inspiring, It is well written.

I think finding a different profession other than a videogame designer
for your protagonist might make it more interesting. But that's just my
personal feelings.

Sounds like a lot of adventure! Good Stuff :-)

Vicki Davis (Level 3)

Very clear and too the point, Introduces the Characters and the conflict.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

If there is any other tension between the main character and Karina, then you should include that as well, but with brevity. Fun title.

William Coleman (Level 5)

My impression of your story makes me question whether this has sales potential. We have had a couple stories dealing with mail-order brides from Russia. You need a twist, but you don't give me one. There is one twist inherent in making the husband a video-game designer. This suggests that perhaps he'll use high-tech to outwit the professional assassin. However, you need to spell that out a bit more. This is a short logline, so you have room.

In conveying my brief impression of your story, you have written a tightly composed sentence. I think you could have written one or two more of the same quality. That would have made me as a potential reader says, "Hey, this sounds interesting."

I recently got a "read" from a query logline and synopsis in which the reader wrote back, "Hey, that sounds like fun. Send me the entire script."

That's what a log line should do. This process is a first step in a series. Each one must be a strong stride forward.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Good, but give us the hero's name. There have been tons of movies about every day people standing up to crime syndicates, so what makes your script so special and different? Give us a little more detail in the logline to better sell your originality.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

Good in terms of being a proper logline and the right length. The story sounds like it could be good if well-put-together. The title sounds fine. The one issue I see is his description as a "videogame designer." I'm imagining that this fact has some bearing on the story, like the plot follows a game he designed or vice versa. But since this isn't in your logline, it just sounds like superfluous info. I'd recommend adding a short sentence mentioning that, especially since it sounds like it could be the hook of the whole script.

Comments Made After the Contest