Comments Made During the Contest

Ben Verschoor (Level 1)

The kitchen and cement room scenes have potential (the parking lot is a transition), but it feels like there's too much to fit into five pages, and so neither of them feels fully formed as a result; in a character-driven piece, one scene alone is enough to set up with such a short length. Three gives you less than two pages each, and cutting back and forth in the middle doesn't help clarify much.

There are seeds for an interesting relationship between Tanya and John, but right now there's little context for what's going on. Since their tension in the kitchen doesn't factor into the story otherwise, one is left with the impression that he forfeits her life because she confessed to being tempted. Unless such monstrous comeuppance is to be interpreted as a gift to him (and if families are being killed, why are John and Jack spared?), I don't see the title's relation to what the script ends up being about.

Minor note: might I suggest incorporating the sentence, "Families killed for no apparent reason" into the previous sentence? As it is, it reads like this should be happening on-screen.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was very well written and paced. The characters were well defined but you capitalized TALL MUSCULAR MAN twice and only needed to the first time. I didn't really get the ending. Was it supposed to be implied that John was somehow in cahoots with the two muscular men and set Tanya up? If that was the case, it wasn't quite clear. If it was anything else then it definitely wasn't clear. In either case, I think clarification needs to be addressed in regards to the ending. Otherwise well done though. That was the only area I saw room for improvement. Nice work.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is well-written and holds the reader's attention, but the story is somewhat bleak.

The writer has done a good job of telling a non-linear story in a way which makes it clear in what order the events happen.

The script leaves too many questions unanswered, and without really enough clues for the reader to come up with satisfying theories. For example, what did Tanya think about doing, and who are the bad guys (beyond what little can be inferred from the newpaper articles)?

"I'm here I'll find you..." should probably be "I'm here; I'll find you..."

"large, stuffed to the max shopping bags" should probably be "large, stuffed-to-the-max shopping bags".

"He's going to be happy, huh." should be "He's going to be happy, huh?"

"articles on the front page concerning a" should be "articles on the front page concerning a".

"Don't be afraid buddy." should be "Don't be afraid, buddy."

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

My heart kinda sank when I read the title - it made it sound as though it was going to be one big cliche.

Well, the opening wasn't a cliche. I did wonder how we'd be able to tell it was a cement floor though.

This was tense and dramatic but I didn't understand exactly what was going on, I'm afraid, although when I read it a couple of times it became clearer - but is that a problem that I needed to do that?

I felt there was insufficient motivation revealed for such an aggressive act of revenge, if revenge it was.

I thought you intercut between the past and present cleverly, and the main characters were well drawn.

CarrieAnn Lee (Level 3)

Sometimes I like to pick out my own presents too, but having the spouse "taken away"? That's only an option when my husband discovers my choclate stash and gives it away to my children and . . . laughs. The laughing might push me over the edge. I would have to hire someone then too.
Not a single misspelled word or typo - I'm impressed. You do need to deliniate when you are jumping back and forth between past and present with a FLASHBACK, or BACK TO SCENE or the time given in the scene heading. so that we know the answer to big "when" question. If you want the audience to be able to read part of the newspaper article or headlines, then you need to use an INSERT heading. Keep on writing!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I've read this one twice and stil don't quite get it.

I think that she either cheated on him or almost did and his punishment is to hand her over to the murderers? But then why would he show up in the cell?
I really like the feel of this story and the characters, the surprise of her being abducted - but I want it to make sense.

Think you need to work on the story a bit, this could be excellent.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Oh, how touching. A nice daddy killed mommy story. It kind of warms your cockles, you sick bastard. I liked it. Well written and paced. Good Job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I loved everything about this except for the ending which has me scratching my head. What happened and why? This almost feels like the first 5 pages to a larger story rather than a complete tale.

Your craft is excellent. This was a real page turner. I loved how you kept inter-cutting the past and present. But in the end, I'm not sure what is was all about. I can speculate, but it would all be guesses. I need more details. I want to know who these characters are and why they do what they do.

I do hope you rewrite this and expand it a bit.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Another interesting story, but all over the place. The scenes were all over and I had a hard time following them. First the concrete room, then the modern kitchen, then back to the concrete room. Were these flashbacks? If so what was the flashback, the kitchen or the cement room? The other heartache I had was with the ending? It just ended suddenly. I felt cheated. Some other questions that came to mind when reading this was, who are these people? Why were Tanya and Jack kidnapped? I think the structure could use some touching up and reworking to give the story more of a spine.

David Birch (Level 5)

i needed more...dialog was solid, and the visuals worked, but i just wanted some back story to get me "hooked"...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

The craft was good, but what was the point of the story? Did John somehow set this up? You had some good subtext going at the breakfast table but it wasn't revealed in subsequent scenes. Sorry I didn't get it.

The best birthday ever? Makes the whole thing rather cruel, lol.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Try to write more actively. Example: "TANYA, 24, and her son, JACK, 4, are walking toward the rear of the crowded lot." Consider "TANYA, 24, and her son, JACK, 4, walk towards the rear of the crowded lot."

Another example: "One grabs Tanya by the head, covering her mouth and pulling her backward into the van." Consider: "One grabs Tanya by the head and covers her mouth, pulls her backward into the van."

The plot was very confusing to me.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

What an enthralling story. I'd be happy to get second place to this story. The story in it's self is nothing new but the way you told it was great. I loved the way you cut from scene to scene. And the ending had me wanting more. I really didn't want this story to stop. It was GREAT.

What a fast read.

All the best.

Jeff Ferry (Level 4)

It didn't really click with me. I read it a few times and I never felt close to the characters or the concept.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This was pretty disturbing. They got kidnapped on John's birthday? I couldn't tell if John was responsible or not, it seems like he is but it wasn't clear. And if that was the case, I didn't understand why he would have her kidnapped and presumably killed over an argument. And why he didn't do it in a way that didn't put his son in danger.And if it wasn't John behind it, it was just random??

This was tough because there wasn't any clear protagonist. Jack is more like a macguffin, John's not likable and possibly the villain. Tanya's pretty close to a protagonist but she doesn't really do anything.

I did like the contrast offered by setting the kidnapping against birthday shopping. That provides a nice juxtaposition that really heighten the drama. This story has a lot of potential, sort out the details and it could really work.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You have created a heavy dark mood within the tight confins of this shortscript. This is brutal non sequitur frightening film. The slow measured pacing eexorable leads up to an enigmantic ending.

However become totally confused. The scenes jump aground and there is no indication of time, forward, backward or sideways. I am lost.

I have read through this story several times an no clearing of the mists occurred. What I got was that somehow Tanya did something to John that really pissed him off. So he arranged to have her kidnapped first and the to be murdered. The fact that their son Jack happens to be with Tanya at the time of her kidnapping is just a coincidence. Jack just acts as a foil.

John's cryotic words in his final dialog suggest that if she had admitted her transgression to him, then she would have been spared. This just piled more confusion on the confusion I was already trapped under.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

Concept Fair
Title Fair
Story Fair
Characters Fair
Dialogue Poor-Fair

Kirkland Morris (Level 1)

The set up was very well done and grabs the reader the way a story should. The writing was seemless enough to cut between the present and the past wihtout losing the reader (good job), and the writer wrote in a way that kept me engaged to the very end.

That being said, the only reason I didn't rate this Excellent is because of the ending. You had my adrenaline pumping so hard but I had no real clue as to what the ending meant? Was the mother the killer in the paper? If so, why did "bad men" take her? Overall, I enjoyed the read.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Why does Tonya ask Jack to be quiet? Is it for her sanity? It's not to hear voices responding to her through thick concrete and a heavy metal door, I don't think. I mean, her own voice is probably echoing pretty loud in that room. What's a little more noise? It'd probably be best for you to explain that line as simply Tonya trying to think straight. When a parent's under stress, a noisy kid never helps matters.

Your story, intentionally ugly as it was, kept me riveted all the way to the end. Oh, that end. What exactly happened there? Was the whole rash of murders simply John's way of getting rid of his wife? Or was he getting back at her for some past argument? If so, why involve the kid? Anyway, I thought whole families were getting killed in these murders. What kind of deal could John have pulled to get out of it? Why give up his wife? I just didn't understand it, I'm sorry.

I kept looking for a "why". Why them? Was John into drugs or bookies, that got them into this mess? Why? I so, so want to give you an Excellent for this, but that strange ending sucked the life out of the story for me. I probably missed something. I'll reread.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

So John set this kidnapping up to have his wife killed? Did he kill all of those other families from the newspaper article too? It was all a bit much.

The dialog was a little too icky sweet and Tanya and John's relationship was confusing. He was mad at her for something. She didn't seem to know what. He obviously wanted her out of the picture...fine. But the fact that you threw in all the articles in the paper about families being killed for no reason, well that just confused me.

If you are going to put in stuff like newspaper articles it needs to be clearer. Something like:

INSERT - NEWSPAPER ARTICLES - "ANOTHER FAMILY FOUND MURDERED", "THIRD MASS KILLING THIS MONTH" --- something like that.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Nice. I liked how it seemed the villain was a Jigsaw - killing people for no reason - but it turned out differently. That's good, because I hate Jigsaw villains.

I also really liked how you set up where John's inspiration for this framing may have come from, with the newspaper headlines. A convincing bit of misdirection, with another possible meaning on top.

It would be better if we could spend longer at the start of the story. Not at the start of the script but the start of the story, before they are kidnapped. I don't know why, but this seems to be popular, the opening scene which makes most of the script a flashback. This takes away some of the suspense before they are captured, even when the perpetrator is still unknown.

Otherwise it was good.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

I don't get it. The script is well written and retains a mystery throughout but in the end I went back looking for clues, a motive, whatever, and I just couldn't make sense of it.

Tanya supposedly did something wrong, at least in John's eyes. Someone has been killing whole families for no apparent reason. John arranges for his wife an kid to be kidnapped and his wife disposed of. His cover story is that he and his son escaped.

That much I get, but I'm left with too many questions for it to be a satisfying story.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Hmmm... sorry... I didn't get it, so I can't comment much on the story.

I think you should be a bit less cryptic about what the muscular men want and why.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought this was nicely atmospheric and the basic concept was good, however, I had the most difficult time following all the time jumps. You need to be more specific when you make a time jump - it is actually unfair to me as a reader to have to guess. By the end I could figure out that the mother had done something wrong and didn't apologise for it but that wasn't enough, I want to specifically know what she did. This was nicely written but I think there were too many issues that made if confusing and not complete.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

If we can't see Jack and Tanya in the opening shot i think they need to have (O.S) after their names.

"They approach a new, high-end SUV parked between two vans.
Tanya hits her remote and the rear hatch of the SUV opens.
She puts the bags in the back. The hatch shuts."

A lot of unnecessary description here, it could read:

"They approach a new, high-end SUV parked between two vans.
Tanya puts the bags in the back."

"Tanya and Jack smile at him." I think that should read: "Tanya and John..."

Not too sure what's going on here. John thinks his wife had an affair but she vows nothing happened and then he arranges for her to be killed?? I take it that the men holding them are the murderers the newspaper mentions but how is John involved with them and how did he save himself and his son???

Leaves a bit too much unexplained for my liking but very well written. I like the tension built by cutting back to the kidnap scenario.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

- Tanya and Jack did not get proper introductions. right off the bat, I don't know anything (age, characteristics, etc) about these two so can't visualize them.
- "a bare skin feeling across the floor.": I'm curious how you will show this on the screen?
I like the tension and suspense you've created in this piece. I'm only on page 2 and already fear for Tanya and Jack. It's too bad you didn't finish the story, though.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Format and style are good. Writing is tight & vivid.

Story is confusing. I don't understand what's going on, particularly in the final scene.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

You do a fantastic job of holding the reader's interest and leaving them in tension-filled suspense throughout. The back-and-forth scenes are very well executed, clear and easy to follow. It ends very abruptly though, leaving an anticlimactic feel, as if this was part of a larger story.

But, ultimately, there's little resolution and I'm left with so many questions...

Why are these killers taking Tanya and sparing John and Jack?
Did John make a deal with them?
Is John in on this all?
Who are these killers?
What are their motives?
What didn't Tanya do wrong to John? Cheat on him?

Your screenwriting is very good. No long black blocks of narrative. Your format appears in order. Didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a really chilling story but I'm not sure I understand it. I thought I was getting it but the last scene in particular seems hurried and didn't pull it all together in a way that I understood.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

This script was written with plenty of detail, scenes that were easy to see in the mind's eye, and captivating enough to glue my eyes to the screen. And then...

The script tails off at the end with absolutely no explanations or answers. We're left completely in the dark. Was John part of the plan? Was he innocent? Was he an accomplice to the murderers posted on the front page of the newspaper? Did he sell out on his wife to get out of the dire situation? We don't know. Nothing really points to a true conclusion.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Hmm very chilling tale. I gave it a good. The writing is tight and the story has a good twist at the end. I wasn't certain what they were arguing about in the flashbacks and I also wasn't sure what she had done to deserve what happened. Also it wasn't clear if the killings in the paper were related to the story.

But I think you have a good story here that would play out well onscreen.

Sarah Turi Boshear (Level 1)

I found this to be well written and gripping. I love how you use the time cuts back and forth to build suspense.

That said, I was frustrated by the resolution. You set up all these hints about families disappearing and something Tanya did or didn't do - but then they never pay off. It's one thing to leave unanswered questions, but in my opinion the script is a little too obscure. And I'm aware this IS a matter of opinion - other people who like more open-ended stories may enjoy this more.

One immediate suggestion - since the script ends so abruptly you may wish to add a FADE OUT. Otherwise a reader unfamiliar with the five page limit might wonder if there's a final page missing.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Too cryptic. For one thing, you can't tell until the end of the story, which scenes are in the present and which are flashbacks, so you can't really see how things are developing. After re-reading it, I can see that Tanya did something (even though she says she didn't do anything wrong), and the muscular "bad men" are after her because of that. She and Jack are kidnapped and thrown in a cell. John tries to save them, but can't. That's basically the whole story. It's mysterious and pretty well written, but if there's more to the story it was too well hidden for me to figure it out. Think about it -- we don't know if she did anything wrong, and (if she did) we don't know what it was. We don't know who the bad guys are. Are they even really bad? Or is she the bad one? We don't know anything about John. We don't really know anything. It's one thing to tell a mysterious story, but ya gotta give us something!

Stacy Milbourn (Level 3)

The story was a bit confusing to me, and it seemed a little unfinished. Was the scene of John's birthday a flash-back? Or was it perhaps a birthday the year before? I liked the idea of going back and forth from the kitchen scene to the dark room scene, I'm just confused about when the kitchen scene took place. Also, I'd like to know what John thinks Tanya did. Is Jack in on the kidnapping? Did he set it up in order for his wife to be taken away? If so, what did she do that was bad enough for him to want this, for him to want his four-year-old son to watch his mother be taken away? I have several unanswered questions that keep me very curious, and if you covered these things, I think it would make the story much better.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

Firstly, Jack's dialogue seems a little older than 4. Also, him helping carry the bags seems a bit against his age. I haven't got kids of my own but I wouldn't have thought a four year old would be able to carry shopping bags.

I liked the rest of the dialogue and the atmosphere but when the lights come on in the room you should have had another slug-line. Or you should have had a different slug-line instead of darkness, and just had that as a description in the action line underneath.

There are too many questions left unanswered for my taste. I want to know what's going on and that's affecting my score.

Seemed like a good idea behind this, but I can't tell what it was.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Wow - two Very Goods in a row !!!

Although I could see where this was going, I think you handled it very well.

I especially like... no! LOVE, what John says to Jack at the end. TRULY inventive!

Something you need to change, or would it be 'add', is an indication of time. You switch back and forth, and I get why, but I think you should indicate "FOUR HOURS EARLIER" or something like that.

But that's a piddling complaint. A nicely crafted script!

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

This was written so well... But the story didn't click for me at all. Why bother with his birthday? What was the significance of that day? You make Tanya seem so legit as a wife, loving and caring, that it seems awkward and out of place for John to be so angry with her. Why not add some hints of unrest or unhappiness earlier on? I really liked the opening scene, it got my attention and all. But I thought you revealed it too early. The beginning made me wonder what was going on, but then like a page it's explained away.

Comments Made After the Contest

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 12:40 AM

Thank you all! I wrote this in the last few hours of 2008 while ill. I knew it needed more room at the end, but, hey... I qualified and I was submitting with or without a good proofing and edit. I'm actually surprised to see so many positive comments.

I've started a rewrite. If I can find a little kid who looks younger than they are and can act scared without being scared, I think this is going to be my November film. It'll be a much easier first film for me to take on, and I really like this story. I just have to crank up the twisted elements and write them so the audience sees the story I want to tell.

Thanks again.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2009 12:43 AM

With a little rewrite this could be a wonderful film and I would love to see it in November.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2009 1:32 AM

I really enjoyed this script and it's a shame it didn't place. Well done, Margaret.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/18/2009 12:37 PM

I printed out what I've got of my TANGLEWOOD script yesterday so I could work on it during a restaurant lunch. I pulled out the script and was disappointed to find I'd grabbed a ratty copy of THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER by mistake.

I've been very discouraged working on this. The computer file was corrupted and I was really frustrated with myself for losing so much of my work. I was asking myself if I really cared to finish it, too. You know that "Why bother?" that sometimes hits you? I had it bad on this one.

So I'm sitting there kicking myself some more, and someone says, "Hi. I'm Ashley and I'll be your server today." I looked up and there was Tanya.

I told her I was planning on making a movie from this script I was working on and asked her if she'd try out for the part. She asked some questions about the story and then said she's interested, but she's never done anything like this before. Well. Neither have I...

I rewrote the script on the back of the old copy during lunch and I typed it out last night. There's more directing than there should be, but I wrote it with the intention of using this as the first working script while I'm filming in September. I wrote in what I hope are subtle cues to myself as a director. Any hints on writing a working script would be greatly appreciated. Any comments on improving the sript itself are appreciated as well.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 7/18/2009 12:38 PM

Maybe a title change...

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 7/29/2009 12:04 PM

Margaret,

This was a great script. I missed this one during the contest in December, but I do like it. I do agree with the majority assesment: The story builds up to a nothing at the end. Why are they there and who has them and for what? Who dies at the end? I, personally, would really like to know. The scene with John and Tanya in the kitches was superb. It told so much with such little action and a few words. However, to make that come to fruition you need an ending that fits, and this one ends rather cliffhangerish...LOL. I was at the edge of the cliff hoping to find a bridge to the end, but instead I almost fell into a chasm...I want more!

This is also highly filmable for a super cheap budget. Would certainly make for a great entry to the November contest here at M.P., but please throw in a resolution of some sort.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/11/2009 3:32 PM

Jose,
Thank you for taking the time to read and critique this.

I've been doing a little more work on it and just submitted another rewrite. The little boy is now a little girl. That's because I found the perfect kid to play the part. I'm just hoping her mom and dad will okay it.

I also put a little something in the ending to clarify what's happened for the audience. Not much in writing, though. More is going to have to come out of the actors and the editing. I want the audience to see the truth in the faces of their faces. I'm planning on having something a little less subtle written out and ready to shoot just in case I need it.

I'm really excited to start filming, but I'm doing the preshoot work that needs to be done. That's a total change from my usual MO. I usually rush into things half cocked and then shoot myself in the foot. :D

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 8/13/2009 1:41 PM

Margaret,

You did it. That little something was exactly the subtle clue that was needed for it to all work out. The last scene with her descending into darkness after staring in the direction the men went was simply awesome now that I understand it all. The change to a girl was hardly noticed, and I feel it was a good choice because visually it will create a higher level of emotional response from the audience seeing the little girl getting kidnapped and then crying on her mom's shoulder. Its amazing how a few fine tweaks can bring about a change in a film script. This is certainly the one right here and I want to wish you the best of luck in the shoot. Look forward to seeing this one in the November contest.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/14/2009 1:41 PM

I just submitted my final rewrite. It involved changing a couple of words. Hey, I've said before that I'm OCD. ;P

We have a small engineering and manufacturing business. It's been slow... I told my husband he should make me some sort of dolly for my film work and dang if he isn't actually working on it!

Yesterday I went to town (literally, not figuratively) and worked on the script at my restaurant. They probably think I'm nuts. They're definitely getting to know my face...

Ashley is out of town right now, so I didn't get to talk to her at all. The waitress I did have asked what I was doing and then gave me specific names of people to talk to in the theater and video production departments. I got the feeling that my endeavor is being discussed a little by the wait staff. I get these looks... Maybe it's just something on my teeth, though...

I have to admit that I'm having second thoughts about using my youngest granddaughter for this. She's very mature for a three year old, but she is only three. What do I do if she gets tired of the whole thing before we're done shooting? I'm having a backup seven year old granddaughter planned just in case.

With that in mind, and in an effort to keep filming time as short and as easy as possible, I'm asking someone for a rest-of-my-life birthday/Christmas/anniversary present. Another camera could be a lifesaver for this shoot, and it would definitely get used. My philosophy has always been that it can't hurt to ask as long as you dont put on the pressure and you take the answer in stride. Well, grateful's a must. A guilt trip the other way is an absolute never, though.

I hope no one minds all this writing here. The ball's actually rolling on this! I'm making my way through the planning stage and organizing my ducks! Everything's falling into place so I can move from the planning to the doing... I'm excited!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 8/24/2009 2:38 PM

I talked to the manager of the store whose lot I want to use for this. It's a big store in a mall and I was pretty worried about getting turned down. He's fine as long as I keep the store name out of it. That's only because it's an abduction scene.

He knows I'll have a crew there, and that we'll be bringing in some lighting and some kind of dolly. He knows we'll be there for several hours. I promised to call him when we're ready to shoot, and I invited him to watch if he'd like. He was really nice about the whole thing.

The rear of the parking lot faces a little cemetery. Perfect for what I want. I went back there and figured out where I want the vehicles parked.

I've got friends working on a kitchen and a holding room. My own kitchen is nice, but it doesn't fit John's character. He's a control freak, so his influence in the decor would be huge.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 10/30/2009 6:54 PM

I've been quiet on the threads about this for the last week (no need to thank me... I understand.). In a relatively amused way, I'm starting to wonder if this project is cursed...

We were going to shoot the parking lot scene last Sat. Angie - my newest Tanya - called early in the morning and apologized because the boys were sick with the flu. Then I talked to Tom - my John - earlier this week, and he can't film until Nov. 10th or so. He'll try to find the time if I can do some short shoots before then.

Getting everyone together is like herding cats...

I've got a little more than two weeks before I head for the class in Jersey. I'm praying for a miracle to get this filmed before I go. I'm so proud of the jib and boom pole that I've made, it's ridiculous. ;P

I think I've reached a point that I could hand the production book over to almost anyone and they could film it pretty much the way I see it in my mind. That's an accomplishment, I guess.

It's been a lot of fun and anguish and frustration, and if I don't get it done in time to enter I'll probably have to have an alone moment... Maybe a few days... I'll live, though. I just don't want people to think I'm a total idiot.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 10/31/2009 11:56 AM

"I just don't want people to think I'm a total idiot."

We never do, Margaret. You've taken on your shoulders one of the hardest jobs out there: actually bringing your idea to life. I think I speak for everyone when I say that we're completely impressed with your dedication and your efforts, no matter when the final result turns up. Here's hoping everything works out.