Comments Made During the Contest

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

Intense. Great dialogue, great descriptions. It isn't a very original script, but the way it's written is excellent.

That last scene gave me chills.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Pretty well written and paced. Definetely a warped tale. The story itself was quite well done. My main issues with this script are in the descriptions. Mother isn't properly introduced and I don't know what it means to "look severe." There are sentences of description that could trimmed down and retain the same meanings so parts of this are overly wordy. In general though, I thought this was pretty well done and there's not a whole lot of room for improvement. Nice work.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is a horrible script, but at least the story is told with more subtlety than it could have been.

If the story were less dark and actually enjoyable to read, then the slow pace would be frustrating for the reader, but as it is, this is not an issue.

"Father cringes as mother yells." should be "Father cringes as Mother yells."

"(to Father) )" should be "(to Father)".

"under the disapproving stare of her Mother and the sympathetic stare of her Father" might work better as something like "under the disapproving glare of her Mother and the sympathetic gaze of her Father", but maybe the repetition of words is what the writer was going for.

"We'll she is my little princess." should be "Well, she is my little princess."

"Amanda brings her spoon up to her Dolls mouth." should be "Amanda brings her spoon up to her Doll's mouth."

"She stretches and yawns a she stands." should be "She stretches and yawns as she stands."

"FATHER (O.S. )" should be "FATHER (O.S.)"

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Loved the opening scene with the doll. The whole script reminded me of a more violent version of my 'Spell' - very similar idea.

Then...I found Mother's dialogue stilted and unnatural and her reaction to her own child simply not credible. I don't mean that a mother couldn't possibly think such things about her child - it was the WAY she expressed it that didn't work for me. I think I have a difficulty with scripts I have read that seem to try to blend humour with subjects of such seriousness as child abuse and neglect.

The ending was very good in its way too - a twist I didn't expect, and far better done than the interaction with the mother, horrific though it was.

I think this would work better if you wrote the mother in a more subtle way so that she wasn't a totally demonic woman who was laughable and for whom no-one could have any possible sympathy.

CarrieAnn Lee (Level 3)

It's going to take every ounce of my being to be a fair judge of this, because I have seven daughters. Obviously, it was written by someone who has written a lot of short scripts; your craft, formatting, grammer etc was superb. BUT . . . too many major events for five pages. The verbally abusive step-mother, the coniving (and possibly murderous daughter) Amanda, the incestous father and a scene where the little girl fondles her doll's crotch.(?) Good Luck trying to get a parent to have their little daughter play in this movie.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I love the title.

Phenomenal opening - perfect use of slo-mo.

Dark and haunting tone throughout.

That ending is terrifying.

Excellent.

Christopher Canole (Level 2)

I am impressed by the amount of material you packed into a few pages. The writing style reads like short story fiction, which pulls me out from the scene once in a while, so try to read some short scripts of produced films to avoid passive verbs and adverbs which distract from reading this as a scene rather than a short story. Also try to stretch your dialogue beyond the expected conversation. Even though this is a five minute piece it helps to give your three characters more original lines. I re-read it only reading the dialogue and found no unique lines that define your own particular voice as a writer. This could be a very good future YouTube video.

Courtney Love (Level 2)

Oh great! Like a Little Miss Sunshine takeoff. I'm a huge fan and I love this one, too! Never would have guessed that Amanda was a dollophile! Whoawee! I would like to see this on Cinemax or somewhere. Premium cable would love this story.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Wow....... What a powerful story. The ending blew me away to say the least. I was actually heading in a different direction, but was jerked into another direction more evil than my expectations. Not much else to say on this one, except excellent job!

David Birch (Level 5)

the twist at the end moved your grade up...well written...would have liked to see you have written the response to the mother wanting to send her away to school as - AMANDA/FATHER(in unison) -- Away!? [delete the "the both look shocked...the response could convey that image]...and then you closing could have more impact if the sillohet of the father is in the doorway delivering his line...you write"...looks toward the sound."...as a side note, good verbs like "scrabbles"...i added that into my book of action verbs...thanks...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

That was pretty sick. So we believe that mother is evil and dad is the hero, but he turns out to be molesting his own daughter? I don't see the point of it, nothing was resolved. Does Amanda continue to be abused? Not a very satisfying conclusion.

The writing was crisp and visuals fairly easy to follow. Turned up mouth? Sneer?

A very dark and unsettling tale but you did a good job with it.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Great story. Some housekeeping.

"We’ll she is my little princess." Think you mean: "WELL, she is ...."

"Amanda looks alarmed at her Father, who..." Father should not be capitalized.

Something is wrong with this sentence: "She stretches and yawns a she stands."

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

That is sick. The ending isn't right. My God, that's horrible. The writing and story is a little odd to read and the grammar could be touched up here and there. The parents are defined but not really Amanda.

I'm a little shocked to read that description with what Amanda does to her doll. That's a little hard to believe. Followed by the father's dialogue. I find that unbelievable that a daughter would side with her father rather than her mother. But this is obviously a broken home.

All the best.

Joe Belzberg (Level 3)

I really like the overall concept of this script. The slow-mo opening is really cool and did a fantastic job of quickly introducing us to Amanda. The last scene also did a good job of establishing sympathy towards Amanda.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Her situation was just awful. That made me sad. The writing was clear and direct but it seemed like there was no one to like in this at all. They were all villains, all victims of each other. Even Amanda, who presumably started out innocent, wants to murder her mom.

Really, this was more of a set up. You do a really good job showing the situation obliquely, rather than having anyone come out and explain it, great job there. But there's no resolution to it. We don't know what happens. Does Amanda succeed in killing her mother? Does her father have some kind of consequences for his horrible actions?

typo pg 3: should be "scrabbles for purchase." Or use a different phrase, that feels a little bit cliche.

John Brooke (Level 5)

What a contemporarily story and you have told it craftily. Wonderfully slick with out a glitch in it’s smooth rendering. The revealing ending is beautifully concealed. You have caught all the sicky aspects of incest that makes the Amada as a doll into a life of hell. Damned good work.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

There is a motif here that is chilling and haunting and actually well devised but then the hatred of her mother and how overplayed the dialogue was was an unneeded and distracting misdirection. There was subtlty missing.


Concept Fair-Good
Title Fair-Good
Story Fair-Good
Characters Fair-Good
Dialogue Poor-Fair

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Damn!!!
Shocked because of the rality that is presented here. To think that there are so many children who have to suffer through this type of torture.

The script was excellently written. Tight and very well voiced. The characters are very defined and their words portray them exactly as they are...monsters. The little girl is faultless throughout all this as she is being shaped into a monstrous being through the immoral actions of her parents. The scenes with her and her dolly are brilliantly crafted to present this clearly.

I knew the father was also as guilty as the mother. His reactions were just too good to be true. It's usually an indicator that something is being hidden...well done!

I'm sure many people will find this script disturbing because of the subject matter. I sure did. However, the excellence with which it was written cannot be ignored. It shows so much, yet nothing at all. The entire situation is completely understood, yet nothing explicit is shown. Brilliant work!

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

I saw the ending of the story from the very first page. So your attempts at a turnaround twist bounced right off me, but maybe you got other folks. After all, we've had a script on this very theme in both of the last two contests as well.

You're right, this does happen more than we civilized people even want to think about. Yuck. You've absolutely succeeded in making me feel revulsion towards child molesters, and you've written it extremely well. I need to go take a shower now.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I hate to say it, but I knew what was coming after I read page one. I think it's the topic. I tackled the same subject and heard the same thing in just about every review. Child abuse is so ubiquitous that it's hard to come up with an approach that isn't commonplace. That's an incredibly sad realization. You did a good job of writing, though.

I like the opening visuals. Especially the doll curling around the little girl's hand as she punches it. Actually, I like most of your visuals. It's very easy to see what you're writing. That's a good thing, and not always easy in scriptwriting.

I like that you didn't give names to Mom and Dad. It generalized them and left Amanda as a real person. I like that you assigned each parent a separate form of abuse, too. I tried to do that in my own abuse story, but I don't remember anyone noticing.

You've established a dynamic here that could be really great - in a longer story. You've got the dysfunction between the mom and dad, mom and Amanda, and Amanda and dad. You've got a competition going on between each pair, too. Everybody's playing everybody else. The difference between Amanda and her parents is that she's learned it all from them and they brought the sickness into their relationship. There's potential here. It needs to be longer and more dramatic, though. By "dramatic" I guess I mean sick and twisted and conniving. Play up the scheming, manipulation and power plays going on between them. Emphasize the sickness.

I love the title. It reminds me of "A Doll's House." I like the visuals. The dialogue is stiff in places. There are some punctuation errors that are distracting. It feels like it should be longer and more fleshed out. There's a huge amount of potential and I'd love to see it achieved.

Good effort.

Fairly good effort.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

This was interesting but the problem is, all of your characters were diplorable. I didn't even feel sorry for the little girl, and I should have. She didn't feel like a victim to me, she was just as bad as her parents. I can understand why she'd want to hurt her mother, but the fact that she and her mother were playing this little blame game thing made me think she was on the same level.

I'd work on giving us someone to root for in this story.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Wow. Very good. That really disturbed me, but not in a completely unpleasant way. I'll try to explain later.

You set it up really nicely. I bought it immediately that Amanda raised her doll like she was raised.

My sympathies kept changing. First with Amanda, because she was obviously being abused. Then with her mother, because Amanda did try to kill her, and her father didn't believe her. And then Amanda again, because it was her mother who was causing those injuries and the mother deserved whatever she got. Then her father, because her mother wanted to send Amanda away. Finally, as everything was revealed, I wasn't sure anymore.

It was done quite tastefully. Often when abusive parents are portrayed on screen they are cartoon villains or so irredeemably evil that they are boring characters. You avoided these two pratfalls really well, by introducing the character first, not using the shortcut of "abusive parent". I've seen this mistake even in feature films that have been produced.

Very good.

Matt Johnson (Level 3)

This one is kinda freaky and a little disturbing. The genre is not my style but I still enjoyed it and my preferences didn't affect the score at all.

It was well written with some really good descriptions but some of them were kind of odd. Maybe it's just because I've never heard the phrase before but each time a character's mouth(maybe it was just mother) "turned up" I had no idea what expression that was. Is it like a one sided grin or something? Anyway, the dialogue for the little girl(I assume she was little) was pretty well done.

I liked how the doll played a symbolic meaning rather than just a prop. The one thing with the doll that I didn't understand was the crotch massage. If I can put the puzzle together right, the doll was symbolizing Amanda because when Amanda spoke to the doll, it was in a very parental tone. So, if that's what you were aiming for, right on. If it wasn't errr, I don't know then.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Very well written. The dialogue is easily distinguished between characters. The descriptions of the action are clearly stated. The twist ending is a surprise but it doesn't feel artificial. One critique is the shot specification in the opening of the script - I know this isn't recommended, and it really isn't necessary to tell your story. Also, you have an extra parenthesis on page 1: "(to Father) )"

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

"The tattered bonnet-topped head of the curly-haired DOLL
flies through the air, then it bangs hard against a wall."

I would suggest using 'a curly haired doll' instead of 'the' as we haven't met her yet.

"she scrabbles for perches and finds none." I think you mean 'purchase' instead of 'perches'.

God, well done. Such an awful subject and you portray it very deftly. It sent shivers up my spine. It's a subject I know well, not from personal experience but through someone very dear to me and you nailed the mother's behaviour perfectly.

Nothing but an excellent for this. Great writing, well done.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I like the title. It conjures images of family entertainment. of course, I expect you'll take it into some twisted arena.

and, of course you did. just letting you know I was not fooled by your attempt to misdirect the hostility onto the mother. for some reason, perhaps the way you wrote the opening subtext, I knew father was the antagonist early in the piece.

a few comments about your word choices in sentences:
throughout the piece, you used "then" alot. there is no need to waste space with this word. in fact, it distracts the read and takes me out of the story.
"She scrabbles for perches and finds none." I think the word you want here is "scrambles." "Perches" doesn't seem right, either. I think mother would "scramble for a hand hold and finds none."
"Amanda nods and does as she's told." if she did as she's told, she has taken her plate and went to her room. so, you do not need the line, "Amanda scurries from the room" after the two dialogue lines since Amanda has already left the room. secondly, the line "does as she's told" is outright telling. so, replace the phrase with something that shows us she's obeying, i.e. "Amanda grabs her plate." the two lines of dialogue; then, "Amanda scurries from the room."

I was so hoping to give this an Excellent, but there are elements (dialogue, action, telling instead of showing) that must be rewritten to be much more concise and that transfer images more visually.

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

A very dark story. Writing is active, tight, and clear. Dialogue is mostly good. Format and style are solid.

Dinner table dialogue can be tightened up a bit; it's a very abnormal family you're describing, so perhaps it's appropriate that their lines feel somewhat strained or stilted, not natural, but if that's not the goal you might take a second look at the scene. No really likeable characters, no one to root for, and a very hopeless ending, which fits the grim nature of the story but makes it a difficult script to enjoy.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Oh, dear Lord above, there are some disturbing scripts this month!

Although it is very "The Omen," I might have opened with the scene of Amanda attempting to "kill" her mother. It's a great visual and makes you wonder why she would do this.

Also with that scene, since it's a flashback, it should be formatted as such. No big deal, but I think you need more than "Earlier" in the scene heading.

Excellent screenwriting, format overall is fine, only detected a few minor typos.

Good job overall!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a powerful and disturbing script. You have taken on a really challenging topic and used a strong visual method to convey the ideas.

I'm guessing that you have deliberately made this more complicated than one evil doer, one victim, one accomplice as many of these stories are. So we have Amanda attacking her Mother, her Mother apparently the source of much of the abuse, and her father being sickening. While I appreciate what you have done with that I wonder if perhaps you have gone a little too far and if the power of the story would be stronger if it was simpler. Specifically the part where Amanda attacks her Mother has something of the horror film cliche about it and so it probably weakens the dramatic strength of the story.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

Ummmm...ahem (sniff)...wow...where do I begin? I guess I'll begin by saying this: having been an avid writer/reader of screenplays and scripts of all shapes, sizes, lengths and genre for a long time, I can honestly and objectively say that I found this script to be a remarkably refreshing break from the overrun, mundane, been there done that, horribly written, ridiculously quasi-fantastical and illusory sci-fi crap that I've had the misfortune of encountering.

This script was not one word short of fantastic. I (the reader) was brought directly into the world of a broken family, with the life of an emotionally and physically abused, tortured little girl at the forefront. Her actions, personality, behavior, and angry outbursts beautifully reflect the ugly and grotesque neglect that has been showered upon her by both of her parents: a physically abusive mother...a sexually violating father.

This script, and the heart-tugging story that it conveys, is very, VERY well written!

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Spooky sad tale of abuse of a little girl, and she in turn taking it out on her doll. I'm not sure it works to have both parents abusive. It's just too sad. I felt really bad just reading this.

I expected the end, once the father was really nice and sweet to the little girl. Maybe turn it up a notch and have it be the mom who is doing the sexual abuse. Ugh. maybe not.

This was hard to read because of the subject matter. But you wrote it well and created a repulstive picture of this little girl's world.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

A very good story. You do a great job of pacing and slowly introducing information. I also like how you use the doll to tell the story. The evil and tension that exist in the house are so thick you can cut them with a knife. Very good.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

Yikes! I didn't see THAT coming. Great shock value. A well-written screenplay, but I wouldn't want to see the movie.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

A good twist. We think it's the daughter who is bad. Then we feel for her based upon the Mother's out of control behavior only to find out the nasty one is the father. Good suspense.

There were some typos in your script. They did not take away from the read.

In my opinion, I was jolted into thinking some to the dialogue could be trimmed as I read Amanda say, "Bed." It read okay and might pace even better with fewer words and tighter descriptions.

Over all, it was good and with a solid rewrite this is a contender.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

The first paragraph gives the impression that this is a decapitated doll's head. A little unclear.

Well, this was a very disturbing little story you have here. I have to applaud you for your originality and the subtlety you've shown with this great script.

This is one screwed up family. You have the Father come across as the hero early on and then when that turns we have nothing to cling on to.

My one complaint is the Mother's supposed superiority over the Father. If he does beat her I'd have thought she would be scared of him and he would be the more dominant figure;

Kid abuses doll, mother abuses kid, dad abuses mother and kid.

That's the one thing I'd change about this.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Unfortunately, this was fairly predictable and there are some serious issues with the story.

The Mother's dialogue is straight out of a Betty Davis movie, and the Father's reactions are so odd (even given the circumstances) that is fails the believability test.

The scene where Amanda attempts to kill Mom... it's just so... done before. There was nothing new to it. You need to learn to push your scenes HARD. This felt exactly like the scene from the Omen where Damien (sp?) rides his big wheel past his mom while she's perched precariously.

Cartainly children react to horrible situations such as Amanda's in unusual ways, but ending up so obviously and melodramatically evil just didn't ring true.

Not sure how you can rework this story to make it better. It's travels down ground that's too well trod and the characters are simply too cookie cutter.

Sorry.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I don't get how the beginning is a 'series of shots' when it feels like you're only describing one shot.

"Contents of the cabinet spill out as Mother loses her
balance; she scrabbles for perches"

That last word should be 'purchase.' I thought this was a pretty clever story. I was wondering why the dad would so quickly jump to the kid's side, but the ending cleared that up. I did find it a little hard to believe that the girl would go after the mom instead of the one who was abusing/molesting her?

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

The ending was disturbing. The writing was very good, but I can't help thinking that there is no one in this script I liked -- except the actual doll. Having disliked Amanda all the way through, the ending, though shocking and harsh, it didn't make me feel for her, which concerns me. Maybe you didn't want your characters to be sympathetic and I'm reading it all wrong.

The mother seemed a bit unreal to me -- or not human, could be a better way to describe her. Going at her daughter that way, a barrage felt over-the-top. I would like to see more of an emotional range from her, not just the reaction of fear or hate. I think it would give her color and she would be sympathetic.

William Coleman (Level 5)

You caught me with your final twist. The violence of the first scene really worked for me. By unleashing the violence against a doll, you synthesized the inner violence and anger of Amanda. The sudden switch in Amanda when she arrives at dinner almost led me in "The Bad Seed" territory. The second scene with the Father's defense of his daughter, treating his wife as being unreasonable or even irrational, led me to emphasize with the Father and Amanda - until we saw Amanda's potential violence toward her Mother with a flashback. I asked, is Amanda capable of causing her Mother's death?

I did question the open discussion in front of Amanda. Even the most insensitive parents try to keep some things away from their children - and in this case, a child that might be dangerous to the Mother. I don't think discussing sending Amanda away would have been discussed so openly.

In other words, you had me going in several directions at once. I turned to page five. I liked the off-stage argument - more of that I think. Children hearing but not hearing their parents quarrel while they are in another room opens up a child's imagination.

The title is excellent. This script is on the top end of a 4. I would have gone all the way to a 5 if the dinner table had been treated more subtly. This script is filled with subtlty and mystery. Then the Father on the stairs after Amanda sexual act with her doll is chilling. You shot an arrow into my consciousness with that, and gave me an insight I never had before.

This deserves to be rewritten - extended a little, mainly - and shot. I don't know how you'd deal with that final scene, perhaps with another person's hand and allowing your young actress to say the line without knowing the reason she is saying it. I'd hate to see a child doing that action and saying those lines on camera.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Great idea and ending, but the dialogue needs to be tweaked (see below) and you need to proofread aloud to hear how the whole story flows. This should also help make your prose smooth and seamless. Be weary of overusing "it", "that" and "doll". With a little rewriting, this will definitely be excellent.

Pointers and things to fix: Too many "it"s and "that"s; proofread aloud to make certain the prose is smooth. "END SERIES OF SHOTS" isn't necessary. Fix parentheses "(to Father) )". "We’ll she" remove the apostrophe. "she scrabbles for perches" huh? "Mother lies on the floor, she looks up at Amanda, full of anger mixed with fear" watch syntax. "and yawns a she stands" fix.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2009 12:07 AM

This was so twisted and dark - I loved it. Congratulations on your second place finish!

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 12:17 AM

Congratulations, Michael! You'll notice I gave you two ratings. I meant the first but voted the second. You can smack me on the side of my head when you see me. I'm glad you placed.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 12:39 AM

Congrats Michael! Great job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2009 1:23 AM

Congrats Michael!!! Great job.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 3:19 AM

Nicely done Michael. Twisted but great screenplay you have here.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 2/1/2009 6:41 AM

I didn't get around to this one during the contest but it would've got an excellent from me. I was enjoying the story up until the ending and, wow, it takes an incredibly dark turn that flips the whole thing on its head. Excellent twist, brilliantly foreshadowed.

Congrats!

John Brooke (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 8:40 AM

Hey, at least I know a great script when I read one!

Matias Caruso (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 9:24 AM

Congrats Michael! Way to go!

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 9:37 AM

Congratulations Michael!!

Well deserved. Left comments on it at SS. :-)

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 10:14 AM

Congratulations Michael,

I'm really glad this placed and also incredibly surprised that it wasn't written by woman, didn't see that coming!

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 2/2/2009 10:52 AM

Congratulations Michael.
Very very disturbing.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 2/2/2009 2:18 PM

Thanks all. Sorry there were a few typos in there, blame it on my busy schedule lately.

As far as I can determine and based on the English advice I've received, both scrabbles for perches or purchase are correct, the first meaning to frantically find a resting place and the second meaning to frantically gain advantage. Either could have been used in this case, I've changed it to purchase because that is by far the most common usage - even though it isn't exactly what I mean.

I kind of agree with the comments about the Mother which say she was overly dramatic. In my original version she wasn't but through rewrites she kind of grew that personality. I guess she's just a Bette Davis wannabe.

Cheers for the reads and the comments.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 2/3/2009 3:35 PM

Michael, this was the best script I read this month and I'm pleased to see you placed. Disturbing content it is, but the presentation was finely crafted. A well deserved win.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 2/14/2009 5:30 PM

Disturbing indeed. I agree with Brian in that I do not know what it means to look severe and I think Mom may have used less harsh words.
But this is certainly a win that was deserved.
Congrats!

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 3/6/2009 5:31 PM

Just a quick note that this was picked up by a production company in London. Whether it actually gets made or not remains to be seen, but if they do make it they will be making it on film and not DV - which is kind of cool.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/7/2009 7:02 AM

Great script. That's wonderful to hear that it might get made on film. How exciting.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 3/7/2009 5:33 PM

That is awesome to hear!
Could you tell me how you got it to the London production company?

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 3/7/2009 9:45 PM

They saw it on the web and they liked it, so they contacted me.

Jeannie Sconzo (Level 5) ~ 3/8/2009 9:26 PM

When you say on the web, do you mean MP or somewhere else on the web?

Lonnie McIntyre (Level 2) ~ 3/24/2009 11:08 AM

I didn't see the twist coming at all. I thought it was going towards the girl trying to kill the mother, i.e; "The Omen". Good story, although slightly disturbing.

Nicky Muddle (Level 3) ~ 4/1/2009 6:05 PM

I didn't review this earlier but just wanted to give you some feedback. I grew up in a highly abusive family like you depicted in this script and yes, some people cannot handle this sort of material. But for the people whose life this is they have no choice but to handle it.

There are parents who inflict terrible suffering on their own children or who allow others to do so. These parents can also put tremendous spoken or unspoken pressure on their children to keep up a false image of being a "normal" or even "perfect" family. And they all have their own issues and damage from their own upbringing which is more important to them than their children's need to feel safe and loved.

Overall I think your story is quite realistic, but I personally would have liked to see a longer script (not on Moviepoet obviously) so that the issues and abuse patterns of these individuals become clearer. That's when this material gets really interesting. At this length all you have time to do is reveal that they are abusive.

The doll was a lovely touch and nicely handled. I also liked that you showed that some victims (not all) respond by becoming an abuser themselves. Think about what Amanda will become when she grows up. The other issue this highlighted for me is that abuse victims/abusers often marry other abuse victims/abusers because they do not know what it is like to be treated with kindness and respect and feel uncomfortable with it.

I hope the filmmakers who produce your script treat the subject with as much respect as you did.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4) ~ 5/3/2009 8:12 PM

A good story well told.

The dialouge was decent. The action was quick. A nice twist on the evil doll plot. There's elements underneath, the Amanada's character that makes the ending that much darker. Love it.

Jorge Swaby (Level 2) ~ 9/20/2009 10:17 PM

great story

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 4/22/2011 9:51 PM

This is in post production and the director/producer asked me to take the script down. So I've made it unavailable until after it hits the festivals.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 4/22/2011 10:01 PM

For those of you interested, there is now a couple of shots up from the film. Man did they ever make me feel stoked.

http://www.rosebeef.co.uk/#/films-a-dolls-life/4535636103

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 5/6/2011 1:41 AM

Some additional shots from the film if you are interested.

www.freewebs.com/mixelpixel/NB1_3439.JPG

www.freewebs.com/mixelpixel/NB1_3534.JPG

www.freewebs.com/mixelpixel/NB1_3623.JPG

www.freewebs.com/mixelpixel/NB1_3800.JPG

www.freewebs.com/mixelpixel/NB1_3873.JPG

www.freewebs.com/mixelpixel/NB1_3905.JPG

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 5/6/2011 9:39 AM

I love those shots and I can't wait to see the film!

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 5/9/2011 11:14 AM

Ooooh....really nice shots. Give a real eerie feel. Looking forward to the film MC. :)

Michael Cornetto (Level 5) ~ 3/7/2012 4:56 PM

Here's the festival schedule so far for this film. See it if it's in your area.

- World Premiere - Bermuda International Film Festival 2012 (March)
- American Premiere - Newport Beach Film Festival 2012 (April)
- Cannes Short Film Corner 2012 (May)

You can keep track of other news here www.adollslife.co.uk/#/news/4552490129