Comments Made During the Contest

Ali Jordan (Level 2)

This is an interesting idea. It is intriguing, but some errors in puctuation, capatilization, and grammar. There is tense disagreement in "We had been dating for 2 years now". There are some missing periods at the end of sentences, and if Bubbles is what he calls her, it is a name and should be capitalized, in my opinion. Also, you capitalize it the first time, but not the others.
I enjoyed the plot of the script, but it needs some cleaning up.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

The character introdcutions were wrong. The names should appear in all CAPS the first time we see them with the brief decription following. The parentheticals beside the character names for dialogue should be used sparingly and to describe how the line is delivered, not to describe action. "We" are not in the script so the word "we" should appear in your script except in dialogue. Lots of missed punctuation. The story itself wasn't bad but all the formatting and grammatical errors severely hampered the flow of it. Some of the dialogue seemed a bit unnatural. A rewrite to clean this up would do wonders for this script.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This has a good concept (Shelley re-evaluates her relationship with Earl after seeing what's it like in the future), but the execution is marred by a slightly pretentious-seeming approach. For example, the characters crash into their own vehicle from the future. Huh? If this were science fiction, then that would be perfectly acceptable twist, but it would need to be made clear and have it established that this can happen according to the rules of the script, and the writer has not done this. So it's either muddled science-fiction or a pointless, indulgent attempt to tie the story together.

Also, Shelley's turning point ("Suddenly it all came rushing back to me") feels abrupt, making it difficult for the reader to buy her change of attitude. Also, it seems a little convenient that their future is magically all happy and perfect, although the ending at least provides a complication to this, making the story more interesting. Having Shelley then resolve this somehow, thus earning a happy ending, could have improved the story further, but this would have required clarifying the science-fiction/fantasy rules by which the story operates.

I like how it goes from Shelley's voiceover talking about Earl having rescued her from the deep end of the pool and calling her Bubbles to his voice telling her to wake up (and calling her Bubbles). However, we then find that Earl didn't make it, which implies that this is just some kind of vision of Earl, which feels less satisfying in story terms.

From an emotional standpoint, the ending is promising, and could be movingly tragic if rewritten to correct the mistakes.

When characters are introduced, their names should be in ALL CAPS.

"winces ." should be "winces."

"Don't worry bubbles Winston at the auto shop guaranteed" should be "Don't worry, Bubbles; Winston at the auto shop guaranteed".

What does "the Harold Hoagies" mean? Is it a sports team (in which case this should be made clear), or is there supposed to be a food outlet run by someone named Harold which sells Hoagies (in which case this should be "Harold's Hoagies")?

"calling her name" should be "calling her name."

"Shelley... Shelley" should probably be "Shelley... Shelley..."

Shelley's voiceover on page 3 should probably be "They say when you're about to die, your life flashes by. I saw my parents bickering, and then pretending everything was fine when I was in the room. I saw the day they told me they had had enough of each other and were no longer in love. I also saw the first day I met Earl."

"that was smiling at her politely" should be "smiling at her politely".

"You remember this road don't ya bubbles." should be "You remember this road, don't ya, Bubbles?"

Shelley's voiceover on page 4 should probably be "This couldn't be a dream; it felt so real. Usually when I dream, I can't feel. Suddenly, it all came rushing back to me. The ring on my finger, our two kids, and the family dog. How could I have almost forgotten the life I've had with this wonderful man?"

On page 4, "SHELLEY (CONT'D)" should just be "SHELLEY", because the previous time Shelley spoke it was a voiceover, and she's not continuing that.

The paragraph at the end of page 4 should be "She sees an inscription on her ring: 'Our love is no coincidence; it's Fate.' As she does this, a silver Mustang slams into their red pick-up truck. An ambulance siren blares."

"Shelley begins to sob uncontrollably as her emotions take hold of her she tries to get up but the paramedics subdue her." should be two sentences.

When Shelley reads the inscription on the ring at the end, the wording is different from that used earlier, which should obviously not be the case.

The writer needs to get someone who is very good at English to proof-read their scripts in future, to avoid errors which distract the reader from the story.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

it's important to capitalise new characters as they appear.

It's very unusual - I have never seen it before - to put parentheticals in capitals after character names. It would be a good idea if you read some other scripts to see how this is done correctly.

There is a distinct lack of punctuation in your dialogue, and that makes it difficult to read.

This is the seed of a good story, but there are so many grammatical, spelling and punctuation errors in it that I am finding it impossible to read.

Please consider this - as readers, we spend our time looking at other people's work in order to support and contribute to them. When a script is so full of errors, it appears that the writer doesn't care too much about his or her work to take the trouble to correct it before submitting. Why then should readers care, if you don't?

I apologise if this sounds harsh, but if you take it on, it might be the best advice you've ever received! As I said, there's a good story lurking in here and that is a skill that can't be learned.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

This is well written, but I will have to read it again.

Guessing it's some kind of time warp, but what I don't understand is that if Bird died when he was young, how's he end up in the red pickup? On first read seems like it would make more sense if the old Bubbles was being put in the ambulance and the Old Bird was dead - killed by his younger self.

If I figure it out will write more.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Interesting story. But not really lade out in an understandable structure. I don't mind twists and turns, but it needs to make sense when it ends. Her riding in the car didn't make sense even after reading it again. Your descriptions can be tightened. Rewrite with the visual in mind. Some people don't like VO, but I don't mind. The dialog and characters all felt real. Good job.

Nitpicky things:
- Hate the names in parenthesis
- Write out numbers in dialog
- Dialog direction goes under the name, not beside it
- Show us! Attempts to avoid the truck? How, by jumping out?

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The good news is, you have a very intriguing story here (and that is the most important thing).

Unfortunately, there are many formatting, grammar, and spelling mistakes that make it a little hard to follow. I had to read it twice to feel like I understood it all.

One suggestion, I would try to cut down on the voice-over and find a way to let the visuals tell more of your story. Remember, whenever you can "show don't tell".

David Birch (Level 5)

ambitious attempt...there were some formatting problems that i'm sure others will point out to you...i, actually thought it was a cute story...a little cliche, but still worked on some levels...correct your formatting errors and give it another go...thanks...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This sounded poignant but it just confused me. Formatting was unclear and with the age changes, I wasn't sure when who was what where. Too much direction in parentheticals possibly.

Nice title.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

A sweet story but writer needs to tighten writing. Here are some examples.

"A young handsome high school student with..." The word YOUNG is not needed. If he is in high school, we know he is young.

"Earl and I had been dating for 2 years..." Numbers should be written out unless they are a year. "TWO years".

In my opinion the V.O. is used too much in this script.

"A faint voice is calling her name" Period is missing. Also, try a more active voice: "A faint voice calls her name."

"You remember this road don’t ya bubbles." Period should be a quesiton mark.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

You have the makings of a good story here, but you need to learn formatting.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

The format was weird. It felt like it was 1.5-line spaced.. I've never seen a script stretched to fit into five pages.. usually they're crammed in. Some of the basic formatting, such as the character introductions and the parenthetical, are wrong. Consult a formatting guide, and use dedicated software (I recommend Celtx, it's free) to get this right.

Don't worry too much about the formatting stuff, it's just mechanical details, it comes with practice. The storytelling is what's important and I can tell from this that you are a strong storyteller.

A car crash in a short script feels a little over the top, and you've got two in there. But I really did like the characters you present. I liked the character's voice in the voice-overs, it was good dialogue, but it would be even stronger if you could weave it into the story.

Good work, and if you're just getting started with the screenplay format, you should be proud of this.

John Brooke (Level 5)

A love story that defies common logic. It’s a double love story operating on two astral planes featuring a dual universe and time warping into a convergence. Interesting, and all the while it is a a boy meets girl, get married, have children, and die story.

Dual Universe – Double Love Story – Defies normal logic – time warp – time convergence, in a sort of a Rocky Horror spin. Neat concept and nicely welded together seamlessly.

John Ward (Level 3)

I'm a bit confused by this story. Shouldn't the ring inscription be the same in the last two scenes, or am I missing some nuance here (or is it a typo). There are a few things that I think need a bit of work. The slug-lines are a bit too detailed. I think you need to break them up a little so they don't just read like prose. Also keep them in the present tense, as you slip into past tense in a couple of places. The dialogue was also a bit suspect at times, as it didn't really reveal much about the characters or their relationship. Instead you opted for the voice-over, which I didn't like. Also she's 35 and going gray? I think you need to make her older for that to work. Thematically I thought it was good, and the pacing was nice. Not too fast, but not too slow either. I think it could benefit from another re-write though.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Cool script. I did not really understand it as much as I wanted to, but I like the concept behind it. I feel as if the part at the end when they're older and riding in the red truck is showing a glimpse of her life flashing before her. You had a great set up in the beginning and the script flowed well.

An overall good job, although the story is simple and doesn't really have any surprises. We don't get to feel much for the two characters, only that they were meant for each other. I also don't get the title, how does that connect or explain the script?

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

A very bizarre, unbelievable, yet interesting story.

Way too coincidental that Earl talks about his tires a moment before he crashes.

Why does Shelly tell us about all the things she sees when knocked out? Film is a visual medium! People would much rather see the things she sees, than listen to her narrate them while watching a boring black screen.

Details:
-There's a lot of space between each line of text, which isn't necessary. You actually lose space by adding that in there. Your word processing program's probably set at 1.5 line spacing, and you need to reset it to 1.0. Or, better yet, invest in screenwriting software. That'll also help you with the host of formatting issues that are present in your script.
-Most of the dialogue sounded stiff and forced, in too-proper English, not spoken English. Try reading your dialogue aloud with a friend. That simple exercise will immediately point out problem areas to you.

Lizzayn Shaarawi (Level 3)

Though the action gets going from the start, the formatting could be improved. When you introduce characters (EARL and SHELLY) the names should be in all caps. Don’t use parentheticals when you can write the same information in the action lines, for example “Devilish smirk, fear turns to anger” these can be more effectively written as action. I found the story to be engaging and entertaining. The plot is good and so is the pacing. Overall it was very enjoyable.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I'm just starting this and I'm going to make comments as I go.

When you introduce a character you should capitalize their name.

The first VO is stiff and unnatural sounding.

When you begin Eric's dialogue you have his name followed by the parenthetical, "(DEVILISH SMIRK)." That should be on an indent in lower case lettering below the speaker's name. That formatting error continues throughout, as does the dialogue problem.

You're very specific in describing the street and tunnel, and I'm wondering if you had somewhere in mind. If that's the case, I think you should specify that location in the beginning. No mark downs for this, since it isn't all that important. Just something I wondered about. If the location is more generic, then you might want to make the descriptives of it less exact.

On your dialogue - You're skipping over some punctuation and there are places you should use contractions. Try having friends read your dialogue out loud so you can actually hear it. Most of us speak in contractions and often don't finish our sentences. Others speak every single word individually. Keep your dialogue as natural as possible for the characters you're creating.

I like your characters and I'm intrigued by your story. I don't quite get the story, but I want to.

Fairly good effort.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I can see that there is a cool story in here but it was confusing. I read the end three times and I just could understand what was happening. Was it now? Was it 30 years later? How could she see the inscription inside the ring?

I'd work on making things clearer, but it's a good start. Also your formatting is totally out of whack. Your spacing is off, you should Cap names when first introd, too many wrylies and they aren't formatted correctly...you should invest in a screenwriting book and take note of how the others here are formatted.

Mary McKevett (Level 2)

Clever and unpredictable - excellent use of flash backs and flash forwards.

Matt Johnson (Level 3)

So far from just scanning, I can see that there is kind of a big format issue. When a character smiles or does any kind of physical action, it is usually done as an action rather than an add-on to a character title (above the dialogue). That line is usually reserved for the character's name that is talking and maybe a (V.O.). If a certain line of dialogue needs to be recited in a certain way, then you can add a line between the actual dialogue and the character title in parentheses, reciting how it should be said. IE:

MORLEY
(screaming)
Jesus Christ! What the fuck! Get this fuckin' Chewbacca off me.

Another thing is that, the "Fear becomes Anger" deal needs to be scrapped. People that see the movie don't read the script. Therefore, if we cannot see it or hear it, it doesn't belong in a screenplay. At least most of the times, in this it doesn't work.

Also, I would consider some multiple read-through and draft edits before turning it in. There are a lot of grammatical errors that you would have caught easily. It's almost frustrating to read it because of all the errors that could have easily been fix. Also when you indicate Earl(Bird), you don't have to. And why does she have a premonition type-deal, when it never really happened?

Overall, I think it has potential to be a cute screenplay, but with the mixture of it not making any sense and the grammatical errors really brought it down.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

I thought you did a pretty good job with this. The beginning especially was quite will done, I could really feel them racing down the road. When it came to the second part I found it a bit confusing but then I got it and I thought that was an ok twist. Sorry to say that I didn't like the third part - it just made no sense story wise for me. Perhaps you have some reason you were telling the story the way you did but it really didn't work for me. While I think this would probably look great on film, I think the ending is a bit too out there.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

I liked the use of the nicknames, especially Shelley's line: "He was the only one who could call me Bubbles but everyone called him Bird."

When you are introducing a character in the action descriptions, there name should be in all caps.

Mustang should start with a capital letter - it's a brand name. There are other minor errors throughout the script as well - take the time to proof read. Also, some of your sentences seem to be run-ons - try reading them out loud and put in the right punctuation.

The text seems too spaced out on the first four pages. You don't need to make it to 5 pages for the contest if that was your concern.

Mitch Underhill (Level 2)

Hmm. Maybe it's just me, but I was quite confused, even on my third time through. Believable characters, though.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

First of all your formatting needs a serious seeing to!!

Here's a link to a PDF by the Academy Awards people that shows you how to do everything to industry standards.

www.box.net/shared/og2qy6nn7z

If the link hasn't worked, just cut and paste the www address.

This is a very interesting idea and I look forward to reading your future entries.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

Wow... where do I begin? first, I'm not sure whether to detail the proper format for screenwriter. a little bit of research on your part will easily uncover the proper form.
I'm quite confused about your line spacing. if it were all double-spaced, I would cut some slack. instead, some is double-spaced and other is single-spaced. that inconsistency is an indicator of lazy proofreading. a review by even a small group prior to submitting to MoviePoet would have corrected that oversight. instead, you're subjecting yourself to 50 or 60 people duplicating formatting suggestions.

about the story:
I enjoyed it. It's a fresh perspective on alternate (or is it corresponding) history. I was a little confused by two instances of Shelly. one where she's a passenger in a silver Mustang. one where she's a passenger in a red truck, colliding with the silver Mustang. I'm not going to put much thought into the how's or why's of the universe. this is film and one of its purpose is to escape reality and natural laws.

your craft:
needs lots of work. the V.O. did not work for me. it seemed to be inserted just to tell the audience stuff that could easily be shown. "we're on our way to mother's house for Christmas" could cleverly be exposed through dialogue. by the way, alot of the dialogue was stiff, on-the-nose, and unnatural.

Nick Miranda (Level 4)

The obvious grammatical and formatting errors aside, I thought that the twist ending was so twisted that it formed a knot in my head--which is not a good thing. I felt like I was getting a handle on your story until the scene where the medics are trying to revive her in the back of the ambulance. I wasn't sure what you were really going for. At first I thought that she and Earl survived the first crash and were hit in the future by a similar car, but, after reading it a few times I'm sure that isn't what you are saying. It was the same car? Their older selves were in the red truck? Which Earl died?

The other thing that stuck out in my mind was the long V.O. sections. There was too much dialogue to go along with the action you described in the lines previous. Perhaps breaking up the monologues with a line or two of specific actions would make these sections smoother.

Oliver Webb (Level 3)

I like the story you are tell, the jumping around in time and stuff but I think it's too much. The " they say life flashes before your eyes" think is overly done. Find a newer, fresher way do to that. I don't know what that is but it can't be a copy of the norms. I think you would could make this script three-time better but "showing" what happened at the lake and "the ,the kids, the bickering parents." So write the actions lines, but just leave it up to "v.o."

Patrick Sweeney (Level 4)

Interesting story, but I don't think I understand the ending.

Parentheticals are lower-case, below character name & above dialogue. Avoid parentheticals, use them only when confusion could result: SUSAN (lying) I hate you. Tone should be evident in word choices in dialogue, not hammered by parentheticals. Line spacing seems variable. Needs edit pass for punctuation, capitalization. Run-on sentences are hard to follow. Dialogue is stilted & unnatural, try reading it aloud or better yet, arranging a reading with friends. Story takes an intriguing twist with past and future Shelly's 'meeting' in a car crash, but results only in confusion.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Unfortunately, there are a lot of screenwriting and formatting issues that severely distract from your story.

Read, read, read spec scripts that have placed in contests here throughout the months, determine what the common denominators are with them all, and incorporate that into your future screenwriting. And never stop writing!

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

I like the story in this. A vision of what might have been and the same lives interrupted at different times by the same accident. The format is a bit of a problem and you have broken some of the taboos of screenplay writing.

Search for the "Lessons Learned." and the "I want to want to read this script! (But only if you make me want to read it)" discussions threads. They are both full of numerous comments that are very helpful.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

Good imagery...VERY good imagery...but very confusing. The "time travel" jump from one vehicle to another wasn't explained very well and left me scratching my head. I've read it three times now and I'm still a little confused.

They're in the silver car. They see a red truck. Crash. Now they're in the red truck they just crashed into, but older. They're hit by the same silver car they were in just moments ago. Crash. Hmm.

I don't mean to be rude, but am I missing something?

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

First of all, your format is a little out of whack. Easily fixable -- just read the section on formatting in Trottier's "The Screenwriter's Bible," or any of a million other screenwriting books out there. Punctuation and grammar also need some work. On to the story -- I don't get it. Was the whole thing about 35-year-old Shelley (and the kids and the dog) a dream while she was unconscious from the crash? That's an interesting idea -- a glimpse into the beautiful future that could have been, at the exact moment that all hope for that future is dashed. Very sad. But that interesting idea is kind of lost in the muddle. Information about her parents' bickering and divorce is distracting. And the fact that her vision of the future has her and Earl in the red truck causing the same accident is weird and eerie, but that's really all it is -- weird and eerie. It needs more. It's an interesting idea, but it needs some development.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

A little bewildering and all over the place. I understand where you were going with this drama, and you had nothing but great intentions, but you needed to grease the bearings a little better. We slip in and out of Voice Over for no apparent reason. It's not as if she's on her death bed remembering all of this; she's simply doing a Voice-over, addressing the audience, just because she can. I'd do away with it.

Also, you've got to capitalize names when they first appear in the script, this will let the reader know of new characters. Only the first time you write the name though.

Also, do not add the title to the top of the page. If you wish to have a title shown, you'll want to create a title page. Question, why doesn't Shelly get a description when you give Earl the "young handsome" routine? It doesn't really matter, and doesn't take away from the script, I was just rather curious.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I don't think you need the character names in parantheticals. They should be capitalized but just as part of the action. Maybe not a rule, but I haven't seen it the way you've done it before.

Actor notes should be under the character's name not alongside. I think you overuse them too.

There is definately a good story in here but I was left pretty confused. I think you need to clear up the story and possibly extend it.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Format:
It's way off. I suspect you are using Word instead of a screenwriting application. You can find free Word templates for screenwriting on the web. Seek those out, because formatting is critical. If it's wrong, they won't even read what you've written.

Introducing characters:
Totally wrong. You've introduced them like this:

A young handsome high school student with a Drakesville Demons jacket
(Earl) barrels down the street with reckless abandon in a silver mustang.
His girlfriend (Shelly) desperately grips the dashboard, her face is pale
with fright.

When you should have done it more like this:

Dressed in a Drakesville Demons jacket, EARL (18), barrels recklessly down
2nd Avenue as his girlfriend, SHELLY (17) grips the dashboard with white
knuckles, her face pale with fright.

The Name is in Caps and an age must be given. Description is good, but not always necessary - depending on the situation.

Parentheticals:
You've WAY overused these. They are like salt and pepper - use them sparingly and only when you need to. Otherwise, write what you are trying to communicate as narrative.

There are some serious punctuation problems. Some make the script hard to read.

As for the story... I basically liked it up until the point when you come back to Shelly (teen) when the paramedics are working on her.

Here's the problem; a story like this has to have some internal logic or consistency, even if it has time travel/non-linear/twilight zone aspects to it.

I mean, I LOVE the idea that, somehow, young Bird crashes into old Bird/Bubbles. But if the young version didn't survive, then how can he be in the red truck? You really need to rework that ending. Earl should survive and have some sort of meaningful closing line about love, live, eternity, fate, whatever. But as it is, the ending fails

It's pretty good work, though. Go back and polish it up.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

I read through this three times and I'm still confused. What exactly happened in this story? It went from teenagers to adults and back to teenagers? I didn't see the message behind any of it. Also, your spacing seemed a little whacky.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

This was a bit confusing on the first read and the format needs to be cleaned up a bit. As far as the story, I thought it was okay. I wish I had more for you on this one, but honestly, it didn't grab me in any way. It felt flat and was a bit 'stock', character-wise.

William Flink (Level 3)

"Time seems to slow
down as we see the crash through Shelly’s eyes" - You managed to write the paragraphs well, and without camera directions until this sentence.

Try to avoid the two words "we see", they break the illusion. As well as "time seems to slow down" , try to find another way to show it. Maybe, describe things i super detail.

I think that the crash had already occurred in the beginning, and this was her flashback/reviewing her life while she was unconscious.

I like that you're interweaving past, future and present time between an event (car crash).

The car crash is something that probably happened in the present.

for the most part I feel that the V.O. is necessary. But, I'd like to see this without it, I feel it sort of destroys the illusion even though it adds another layer of time to the story.

Good title by the way
Decent dialogue

"VOICE: Shelly...Shelly" - I know maybe the gender of the voice may not be important but I couldn't stop thinking about: whether it was a man's voice or a woman's.

Comments Made After the Contest

Kevin Carty (Level 4) ~ 2/5/2009 8:59 AM

thanks everyone for reviewing my very first script. I really want to get better because i've been writing a feature screenplay and I'm trying to get the craft of screenwriting to become second nature. I want to improve my grammar and prose because there are so many stories whirling around in my sea of thoughts.I did re read it but that was after it was already in pdf form. I love this site and look forward to entering future contest.I'm probably going to rewrite this one.... thanks everyone and please keep reading my screenplays because I would like to get better.