Comments Made During the Contest

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This has a well-written opening sequence, which does a good job of establishing atmosphere.

However, the twist, though surprising, is somewhat shocking.

Also, the characters are unlikeable (except perhaps Delores, who doesn't really do much) and the tone is rather nihilistic. And the bad guys win, which is not a very satisfying ending.

If Clint had turned out to be some kind of detective or cop, perhaps trying to stop Crystal or bring her to justice, then the story would have been much more interesting, since there would be a decent conflict, and a character we could root for.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

A well-crafted, if rather too violent for my taste, story. Your characters came to life (and then two of them were killed!)and the setting was palpable.

It wasn't exactly a surprise that Clint and Crystal were in cahoots. I wonder if there's anyway you could make it so that it WAS more of a surprise? Maybe having Clint express his disgust about Malcom and Crystal to Delores?

I'm not sure why Malcolm had to be gutted. It seemed a bit excessive.

But well done anyway, this was very good.

CarrieAnn Lee (Level 3)

I am curious to see what your logline for this will be. "A couple kills people for blood and money." (?) Just as Malcolm is now missing his inner'ds, your story is missing its "middle." Where or where is the "middle" to your story? Without it you have a weak plot. Sorry, displaying someone's intestines just doesn't do it for me.
Also, be forewarned that your title, "Crimes of Passion" has been used many times before.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This a well written piece, with the exception of below. I enjoyed your style. The story itself will have an effect on people. I would've preferred a more traditional three act structure, but it's still a good piece.

- Lose the word 'IS' from your vocabulary. Keeps the tense correct and your writing active.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

This reminded me of "Natural Born Killers" and the opening to "History of Violence".

Your characters are interesting, the dialogue fresh, and the images well chosen.

Your craft is very good and this story had a good pace and sense of style.

Personally, I'm not a big fan of "serial killer" type stories, but I thought this was very well done.

Courtney Love (Level 2)

Quaint, cute, fun. It was cool reading the southern inflected conversations in the beginning. This lated thru,though and I kinda tired of them. But! This story is captivating. Reminiscent of The Good The Bad and The Ugly. Great read. Tightly woven story. Backstabbing. Deceit. Gratuitous crime. A sucker in a greasy spoon. A couple on the take like Bonnie and Clyde. A better crime duo than Honey Bunny and the guy from Pulp Fiction.

David Birch (Level 5)

i needed to know why i should care about the characters...each of them were portrayed in a less than sympathetic light...i guess the waitress, may be...i don't mind and ending that leaves some things left out there but this one left me hanging just a little too much...good work on the dialog...i think that would be the strongest part of the piece...easy read...thanks...

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

This was written well, very tight, lean and, uh, visual. I just don't understand why any of this happened. What's the story behind these two? Lots of hook, but no set-up or resolution in my opinion. I do like your writing style so I'll give it a good.

George L. Heredia (Level 3)

I liked the character descriptions, but the sentences were a bit long. Somehow if you could have broken it up I think would have been better. No biggie.

Overall it was a good read. Full of detail. I didn't see the diner lady getting killed, but the trucker I kinda knew it. A better setup perhaps???

Ah, hell, ya did good. Nice read!!!

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

There wasn't much of a story. Well told for what I read and was quick & easy to read. The ending didn't feel like an ending. You could do with expanding the story and adding some sort of hook to grab me.

It reads like: two cons fuck and rob, do their business, then leave.

All the best.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

The beginning of this script is promising- it has a noirish feel to it. But the superficial feel isn't reenforced by any real feeling.

Even in a dark crime story, there's potential for a wide range of notes: loss of innocence, remorse, revenge, redemption, friendship, struggling against the darkness within us. This story has one note: ugliness. The only people left standing at the end are two sociopaths, and their reaction to what they did is emotionless.

The action is well scripted. But what makes this story worth telling?

Joel Davis (Level 5)

That was cool, very Tarintino-esque or like Natural Born Killers. It's not my cup of tea but it was well done so that's ok. The misdirection with the cab shaking and the groaning was great.

I would have liked to see them have more obstacles. It's too easy for them, it would be cool to see them almost get caught, or to see Crystal make more newbie mistakes and Clint have to bail her out rather than just explaining.

Clint and Crystal were interesting characters, the two victims seemed a little underdeveloped. I think their murders would have more impact if we got to know them.

I didn't really like the title, it sort of fit, there were "crimes" and "passion" in the story but really the story was a lot more interesting than the title suggested.

"redefining..." Great description of Crystal.

John Brooke (Level 5)

You have presented a world of gratuitous violence which makes no sense to me. I received no message of value from your committed energy. The story goes no where. It’s as thick as a coat of varnish on glass. – I am compelled to look at your craft again before the contest ends. Let’s pray that my mind expands suffiecently to appreciate the energy and intellect you have invested in this filmscript.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Wow! This is the first screenplay I’ve reviewed this month and it’s a good one! I found myself loving the vibe of the story and the dialogue really grew on me.

If I can offer one minor suggestion... the opening dialogue felt like it was starting halfway through a conversation. Perhaps you could add an extra thirty seconds at the beginning of your story where you show Crystal and Malcolm getting acquainted (with Clint watching them eagle-eyed.)

All in all, a great story. Loved it.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4)

Horror and gore is not my cuppa tea so it makes it difficult to critique objectively.
Concept- fair
Story fair
Dialogue fair
Title " fuck me" is not "passion" ...is it? Fair
Characters the female says "britches" which I never recovered from - fair

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Great killer-thriller script. I'm not seeing anything new here, but the presentation was well crafted and nicely executed. From the initial flirtations to the disembowelment, you had decent descriptives and good dialogue. Crystal and Clint being in cahoots was well hidden for a good part of the script and the revelation was unexpected, so that was a big plus.

You did Very Good work here. Good writing, but especially great dialogue was the driving point of this script. Keep Writing.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Your first character introduction (oh, so important!) doesn't give me a visual: "redefining trailer trash" doesn't tell me what she looks like, or how she's redefined it. Need to start out with a strong image.

I wouldn't suggest using inanimate objects as the subject for your sentences, because that'll lead to passive verbs (a no-no in scripts), like this: "A glob of ketchup drips on to his jean jacket, but is promptly wiped away with his sleeve." Is wiped away? So Malcolm has no control over his sleeve? Keep your verbs active: "A glob of ketchup drips onto his jacket. He promptly wipes it with his sleeve."

The ending is entirely predictable from page 1, I'm afraid. The only spot that surprised me was that they actually went to the motel instead of getting out of state. The first place the police will look is nearby: at that motel. The violence was surprisingly raw, almost distastefully so, but you're probably aware of that.

Leslie R. Henderson (Level 1)

The writing is tight and descriptive. I would be willing to turn a few more pages to see what happens for a few more scenes.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is only my second excellent and I'm nearing the end of my reviews. This is just about perfect. I'm wondering who you are, thinking I might know, and looking forward to congratulating you on a win.

EXCELLENT work!

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

I didn't know what to expect from this story, but it sure did pack a punch. I'm not sure if it really wrapped the story up though in the end. It felt like a little more needed to be told before it was wrapped up. Pacing is perfect and dialogue is good. I would like to see the revisions of this story since it really does have potential.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I guess Delores ran the diner herself? she cooked too? Or did he kill the cook? I thought it was okay until they both went back in the diner. To me that was a bit too much.

It reminded me a bit of Natural Born Killers except I didn't find these two people very appealing. They were void of personality. So for me it was just a couple of dirt bags killing people for fun and thrills. Not enough for me.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

I really liked all the sleaze at the beginning. Although naturally I sensed something was up with Clint and Crystal, I didn't expect the direction it went in. I also thought the reveal of Delores dead in the diner was a great moment, and how you didn't overplay it helped me believe in the reality of these two killers.

The ending touch was also really good, as if they're moving on, leaving the whole place dead. The subtle suggestion of further/previous murders ("Couple hundred is pretty good for a shithole like this") was also well done.

I don't have anything bad to say. Excellent.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

You did a fantastic job writing this but...(you knew that had to be in there didn't you)

I am tiring of serial killer team stories. They are just everywhere and it's all basically the same story - rehashed. You didn't really do anything new here. If you are going to write a tired genre then, please, at least give it a new twist.

I'm off my soap box, nicely done.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

"CRYSTAL, 30's, redefining trailer trash and not for the
better,"

Brilliant character description, your 'voice' is loud and clear.

I thoroughly enjoyed this, reminds me hugely of Natural Born Killers.

It's extremely well written, very visual and a totally unxpected twist. I'm sure this will do well. Great job.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

I like your craft. this story left me feeling just a little too incomplete. You wrote some moments that twisted on me - I expected one thing and you delivered something totally unexpected. I also like how you gave each of the characters unique voices.

Olubunmi Akinsemola (Level 1)

I feel some improved formatting is needed. Remove the stereotype of everybody ending words with ' rather than g.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

We got more than a few crime stories this month, my favorite genre!

This reminded me a little too much of "Natural Born Killers," though. It didn't really stand-out or differentiate itself much from that movie. A nice fresh spin on the Bonnie and Clyde style story of a couple on a homicidal road-trip would have benefited the story greatly.

The plot itself is very straight-forward. Again, a few twists and turns might have spiced up the story. As soon as we meet Malcolm, we know he's not living past "FADE OUT." I thought there might be a double-crossing twist at the end by either Clint or Crystal, but there wasn't.

I'm thinking about the decision not to show the murders...It would be gruesome to display these killings and I'm not always a fan of blood and gore, but with only five pages, you got to pack as much punch as possible. I'll defer my decision on that to the other reviewers, see what the consensus is.

Your screenwriting is good, just try to curtail your descriptions, especially the character descriptions and minor character actions. Format appears fine, didn't detect any typos.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

The writing in this is OK and the character interaction works well. For me though there is not much to the story. There is not much more than an account of two people preparing to kill two other people and then discussing it afterward. That would be fine in the context of some wider story that gave a meaning to those events.

"redefining trailer trash and not for the better" - I'm not sure I understand what that would mean.

"(Eyes her cautiously)" - I think an actor might think this parenthetical is stating the obvious.

Ron Hooker (Level 4)

This script had a very modern-day Bonnie and Clyde flavor to it, which I found to be entertaining. Clint's character was far more believable than Crystal's, though. He's strong in stature and knows what he's doing. Crystal, as was noted, was new to the game and came off as far too confident and capable of pulling off a hit without so much as showing some sort of apprehension or fear. I would suggest giving her some visible nervousness as she washes up. Let Clint show his strength and assertiveness by calming her nerves. This would allow you to "reveal" her rush of adrenaline as she realizes she liked it and wants more.

Still, very well written. Good imagery and detail.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

This oozes style and you have very vivid descriptions that serves up details for your characters rather well.

The evisceration actually seemed like a digression and I wasn't sure you needed the motivation to stay on that shot or even dedicate a scene to it. We see her splattered with blood and that is actually enough for me.

To show she is capable of visceral brutality without giving a substantial pay off in the resolution doesn't work for me.

Also they seem clever enough and Clint knows what he is doing. So why be stupid and leave clues all over the place. Why wash up in the diner bathroom?

This has potential to go the "Natural Born Killers" route and your characters have great dialog to serve a longer plot.

You could expand this, as right now the style has a upper hand over the plot.

Nice title.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Ooooh very dark!!! This one was well written, dialogue was great, the characters were pretty good. I think what I needed to see was some reason why they were such horrible people. Gutting a man when he had no money to start with, and killing an innocent waitress for a couple hundred dollars.

I guess it just seemed senseless. The characters were such that I couldn't root for them. I was not aware the waitress was dead until the end, so I was not rooting for her, poor soul.

Anyway. I will be interested to see how this is perceived. I found the story to be written well, technically and the pacing was spot on. Descriptions were great, I just didn't feel anything when I was done reading, except loathing for the main two characters.

I also think the title is all wrong, these were not crimes of passion. These were senseless killings.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

Good story. I like the twist you have in the title vs what the passion is in the screenplay. Clint and Crystal obviously have a complicated relationship and I like the fact that you leave it to the imagination of the reader to decide what it is instead of telling us. I would have prefered the ending if you didn't have the last scene. To me, it's cliche that the light goes out. We already know everyone is already dead. I would prefer that you end with the comment about the motel just down the road.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

A well-written screenplay. I wouldn't want to see the movie. What's the point? Two sleazy people kill two other people and steal some cash. What's interesting about that? Are we supposed to be shocked that there are people like that out there? Sorry, too late. Charles Manson and Jeffrey Dahmer spoiled that. You need to put a fresh spin on it. Or something. Surprise us. Keep us in suspense. Whatever. But something.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

'Redefining trailer trash and not for the better'

That description isn't very clear in my mind. Trailer Trash is already a derogative description so I don't see how her redefining it could be not for the better. It doesn't put an image in my head of Crystal.

Great dialogue!

This is a very, very professional script. The writing, for want of a better word, is amazing. I'm very, very impressed with this.

The story, in itself, is not all that original. 'Natural Born Killers', 'Bonnie and Clyde' are two movies that spring to mind. I'm sure there are others.

None of that matters though, because movies like this will continue to get made for as long as movies get made. I want to read more of this, I want this to be a feature. The characters are fantastic and authentic. I want to know more...so if you extend this, please let me know and I'll have a read.

You are an excellent writer judged on this and that is the vote you'll get from me. Faultless.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

This is extremely well written. The narrative is great, the dialogue is superb.

The only real problem... it's not really a complete story. Like many other scripts in the competition, it's more of a scene from a longer script. There's a twist, but not a true plot.

The big difference between this and the other scripts I mentioned, though, is that this is written INCREDIBLY well. I hope it IS part of a larger work, cuz it's great.

I do think having her gut him, stem to stern, is probably overkill (pardon the pun).

Even with the sharpest knife, gutting a man would take a lot of strength and wouldn't be the kind of thing a first time killer is likely to succeed with. Plus, it's a pretty enclosed space, which would make it harder. I think an "ear to ear" would be sufficiently brutal and visual. But that's just me.

Glad to have read this and I look forward to reading more from you.

Rating: Very Good.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Excellent writing. Unfortunately the story didn't really hold up. You've painted such a bleak and depressing story and I didn't really see the point. You had me interested and curious as to Clint's motives. But in the end I felt unfulfilled. So they kill people just for fun, to see how it feels. That could be interesting, but you left it so empty. Clint and Crystal's motives are so plain that it's not engaging at all for me.

VerLynn Kneifl (Level 1)

Excellent formatting. Good continuity. Very visual, but with economy of words. For example, with two words - "40's" and "obese," you get an instant mental picture of the waitress, Delores. I thought Clint's body language was generally described well, giving him a sense of foreboding; there's an element of suspense in what part he might play in the story. The only thing I stumbled on was Clint being "void of any emotion." It gets the point across, but I'd probably reword it. In conclusion, I generally don't enjoy this type of script, but it was a good read. It kept my attention.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 2/1/2009 12:24 AM

Brian, I really think your style and craft are improving tremendously. This is one of my favorites of yours. Very well done.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 12:32 AM

As always, thanks for the great feedback everyone. I really enjoyed reading through it because there was a very wide range this time. This was originally intended for the Chemistry love story contest but I forgot to take my name off the title page. My goal that month was to have the darkest love story in the contest.

I'm glad some of you really liked it and I can understand why others didn't. It's definitely not something that everyone would enjoy.

To answer a few questions that seemed to be common in my feedback...

Their motive for killing was money and fun. They're homicidal sociopaths so they don't have day jobs. They drive around the country robbing and killing to sustain themselves.

The likable characters (at least the characters that were supposed to be likable, Malcolm and Delores) are killed and the bad guys live. You were not supposed to be rooting for the sociopaths, so I can understand why some of you felt like there was no one to root for. It wasn't my goal.

Excessive gore and violence isn't for everyone so I could understand that turning some people off too.

Overall, I'm pretty pleased with the reception this received considering the subject matter is probably offensive to many. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read this and provide feedback. It's greatly appreciated.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 12:33 AM

Thanks Chris! I learn more each month with every fresh batch of feedback I get.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 3:18 AM

Nicely done, Brian. This was my favourite script of the month.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 3:29 AM

What was the original title when this was meant for the Chemistry contest?

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 3:44 AM

Thank you Stephen.

Travis, it was Neon. I wrote it, then added the neon sign towards the start and end to sort of justify the title and bookend the script, but it really played no part in the story. (You could have probably guessed that it was Neon since any time we have a limited number of titles, I seem to instinctively pick the most commonly selected title. I'm 2 for 2 now with Cask of Amontillado and Neon.)

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 2/1/2009 4:31 AM

Very stylish piece Brian. I personally wanted to see the actual evisceration. Yeah! I'm kinda sick that way. Having the carcass doesn't really do much, unless...the guy is still a bit alive when we see his body. A prop or effect like this needs an equally disturbing payoff.

Reminded me of "Sex With Loaded Weapons" This has a ton of potential to go many routes.

Zombies? Most definitely. Sci-fi? Yeah. Maybe they're abducted by Aliens.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/1/2009 1:37 PM

Thanks Rusty! I wanted both murders to come as a bit of a surprise to the reader which is why I chose to show only the aftermath of both. Glad you liked it.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 2/2/2009 8:51 PM

Brian - Wow!

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/2/2009 9:23 PM

Thanks Margaret! Should I assume, based on your surprised exclamation, that I wasn't the author you were guessing when you wrote your review? ;)

Margaret Ricke (Level 5) ~ 2/2/2009 10:04 PM

;P Honest to God, I don't remember who I thought wrote this (good doctor drugs). You're right, though. I'm pretty sure your name didn't come to mind...or did it? I saved more than 30 reviews for the last 2 days and was just about beside myself. This was my absolute, number one favorite. I was sure it would place.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 2/2/2009 11:24 PM

Thanks again. I didn't think it'd place due to the dark and violent subject matter which isn't for everyone, but I was happy to see it got a lot of positive reviews.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5) ~ 3/26/2009 2:35 PM

Hey I tried to read this & can't open the doc? Think I found a bug?

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 3/26/2009 4:14 PM

That's weird. It opened right up for me. Did you send Chris a message?

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 3/27/2009 8:54 AM

I checked, the PDF is fine. I think any error in opening it is on the opener's machine.