Comments Made During the Contest

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This is very good... very well-written. I'm not a fan of all action/descriptions, but your descriptions are awesome and kept me into the story. I really like the "Kasia" name too... very creative. One thing: I don't think you need to capitalize a character's name unless they have dialogue, but that's just something minor I noticed. I could be wrong. Overall, great story. I liked it.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5)

That was one nice vampire story. I didn't like the timing of revealing the truth about her. You could delayed it a bit more. Once the twist is revealed you can't hold the reader intention any longer. You have to use your secret weapon in the perfect moment.

Good luck

Angela Guess (Level 2)

Very cool scene. I love your descriptions. They're so perfect. One of my biggest problems is finding a way to put images that are perfectly clear in my head both vividly and concisely into words. You do that amazingly. The tension you build in just a page is also to be envied. Nice job.

Ashley Croft (Level 3)

I like the ending and the way everything was set up. Very well written.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

I was wondering why this one took me much longer to read. Then I realized there is no dialogue. It's okay not to have much dialogue, but then you run the chance of over-describing and over-writing. Be careful of that.

Bonnie Maffei (Level 1)

Good writing, but I didn't get it. They're taking a vampire to the blood bank? Why?

Brian Wind (Level 5)

This was pretty cool. Some of the descriptive passages were a bit lengthy and could stand to be trimmed down or broken apart. The story was entertaining. Vampires (or zombies) are almost always an easy way to get a good score out of me. Nice job.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

Well this is a sweet charming story.

I liked it, but i'm not really a fan of your descriptions. It leaves something to be desired. I guess our styles are just different. But your story was quite a contrast to some that i've read thus far. I've got a thing for vamps this month. No thanks to 'Twilight' however.

Actually, this was 10 times better than Twilight. The script may not be my fav but take comfort in that.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is well-written, with effective foreshadowing, but could have been a bit more fun. The writer does a good job of grounding the story, but this also holds it back from its full potential for entertainment.

Also, the cops don't really get a chance to do anything in the story. The security guards catch Kaisa, thus enabling the cops to lock her in the van, and then the cops discover what she was after. The script could have shown more of the cops (or the security guards) chasing her, or even them fighting. In any case, it could do with some more action.

"pale as the moon with vibrant cat-like eyes" should probably be "pale as the moon, with vibrant, cat-like eyes".

"Hands, arms, face all covered in blood" should be "Hands, arms, face, all covered in blood".

"She stops, turns to retrieve it but her pursuers are on her in a flash" could perhaps be "She stops, turns to retrieve it, but her pursuers are on her in a flash".

"A caged animal, She kicks and pulls" should be "A caged animal, she kicks and pulls".

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was pacey and effective and though I'm not the world's greatest blood gore and vampire fan, this was well done for one page. Good stuff!

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
A bright moonlit night.

You don't need to tell us it's night twice.

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT
Bright moonlight.

Would be more concise.



Constraints - I think you mean 'restraints'!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Excellent. You managed to get it all done in one page: Cool story, suspense, surprise ending, and a vampire. Really enjoyed this one.

I couldn't get the "Robbery" part of the title, thinking it was a massacre - and was pleasantly surprised. Still not sure about the "Daylight" since she robbed the place at night and is only now exposed to the sun.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

Great story and wonderful reveal.

I love that you were able to do all of this without and dialogue. Your visuals are perfect and carry the story. Details like "officers blowing steam off their coffee" are fantastic.

Excellent. One more thing, great title.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

I thought this was pretty good. You had me interested but then I found myself wandering towards the middle of the page. So what was inside the bags that Kasia was carrying? Also, I was sort of hoping for a bit of dialogue between your characters. You think if somebody was being arrested, there would be some sort of dialogue exchange. I think this would have broken up the story a bit and helped to change the pacing.

I think there is the potential for a good story here.

David Birch (Level 5)

i saw a lot of characters' names in CAPS...where's the dialogue???...the story is told very visually, but without dialogue we don't get to "see" inside each of the characters we were introduced to in the setup...for instance, "jaded cop" can only be revealed through dialogue...let us in on your vision...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Actually think this would be better, though I think it’s definitely a good one-page script, with even a bit more tightening and editing. In the first paragraph, one sentence says her blouse is covered in blood then the next says her hands, arms and face are covered in blood. Those two could be edited together for a more terse, but effective, description.

Good job writer. I like the way this short story works.

Dawn Calvin (Level 5)

So far this was my favorite. Lots of story that didn't need any dialogue. Very good. Great descriptions.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

okay, vampires. Slight chuckle with the ending. I really don't know why I didn't like this better. I thought it was going to be another over complex one pager, but it really wasn't. Perhaps it was too much set-up. No connection to make this a laugh out loud joke. Nice visuals, good and bloody - all in all a good job.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4)

I think this was a great setup, and great concept. I really liked the little twists...criminal becomes vampire becomes "good" vampire becomes dead vampire. It's a very interesting ride.

Minor nitpick...I thought the introduction of the detective, BETH MERCER, was pretty unnecessary. The mention of her was a little distracting...the specific description tells us that she's more important than the other faceless law enforcement. She wasn't really.

Nice work though. Very enjoyable.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Excellent writing. Weird story.

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

Nice little vampire story with two good reveals. The story works fine, it feels self contained and there is good grasp of the characters. I think I would have liked to have had more dialogue, but perhaps the page limit stopped that. Now near the end you introduce Beth like a character of importance, but she doesn't say or do anything. You describe her as a "jaded cop" but her actions don't show this and it no way factors in on the story. You should keep the focus (as you have done for much of the script) on Kasia to make it seem like she is really in trouble. the way you have the police all milling about suggests that perhaps she is guilty and therefore weakens the reveal. I think you want to keep the audience thinking that something really bad is happening to her and that she is an innocent. The blood bank reveal should come very close to the vampire reveal because once you establish she is a vampire nothing else really matters. In fact I would consider the blood bank reveal first.. if only a second before the vampire reveal so the audience don't have time to put 2 and 2 together.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

A great title and a good script. I kept on thinking something really bad, murder, death, etc... And it turns out to be a blood bank. A great diversion of the mind. Your writing was great in parts and I was able to build a picture of the scenes. This is one of the few shorts I'd like to see extended. Even though it's a complete story. I feel this story can double up as a intro to a much bigger script.

All the best.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

The blood bank is a good twist, and I like the fact that you told the story without dialogue. I would tighten up the action lines. Also, after you introduced the detective as jaded, I was expecting some reaction from her at the end (ho-hum, just another blood bank robbery, or, something finally shocks her).

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Great name, KASIA. The description was excellent but a little dense, it seemed like it would be ok if this were spaced out over 2-3 pages but it was cramped on one page. The vampire robs a blood bank is such a tired old joke, but you give it new life and in this, and it feels fresh. I had a lot of difficultly this month with the protagonists being villains and thus harder to identify with, but by having her rob a blood bank instead of feeding on humans you make her sympathetic to the reader and what I assume is her death in the van have some real impact. Great job.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Tons of descriptive detail in your movie. Maybe too much. I do think it could be tightened up with no loss of horror in this bloody tale. It would help smooth the flow of the script for me if you used a few TRANSITIONS as you changed our views over time. Super reveal at the end of the story, a real twisty revelation. Good!

The title a little off base as the opening scene is set in nighttime. It was confusing to me. All the investigation stuff takes place in daylight. But this is after the Kasta robs the Blood Bank in the Hospital, which somehow I assume took place in the nighttime, given the chase and all..

Screams! Kasta is having withdrawal pains at the blood bank.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Interesting. Some random thoughts:
- Rewrite “EXT. HOSPITAL – DAWN” as “EXT. HOSPITAL PARKING LOT – DAWN.”
- Is it essential to write that the Paramedics casually hang around casually cracking jokes? You’ve only got one page to make an impact and it seems a waste of text.

Jose Batista (Level 5)

Wow. This was an Excellent story indeed! Loved the vampire twist at the end, definitely did see it coming, although it was forecasted ever so subtlely. Your craft is flawless and you did a magnificent job of conveying what could be a long short film into just one page. Great use of visuals throughout and the lack of dialogue made everything work well. I would even say that the story was so well written that the characters spoke without uttering a word - if that makes any sense at all. I can't say anything at all about this script in the sense of needing or missing anything. Even the ending, however small and tightly written, was simply a final touch of grace. I thoroughly enjoyed this script.

Kathy Thomas (Level 3)

I think that you write very well. Your descriptions are crisp and clean and you paint a very good picture. Unfortunately, what you lacked is a story. This would have been better told in a long context where you have the freedom on going into such great details. For this assignment it doesn't work but good writing.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

A "long white blouse" confused me. A blouse is a blouse, isn't it? A female shirt? Or do you mean a nightgown?

Where did the Security Guards come from? Does a Blood Bank usually sport security guards? I think it'd be smoother to say they're police officer.

You don't really need to specify Beth Mercer's last name. It doesn't matter. No one calls her by name, so it struck me as an insignificant detail. Hey, you didn't give Kasia's last name, and the script didn't suffer for it at all.

It's not the most original idea, and I'm not into fantasy and vampires and such. But I'll say that you have a GREAT eye for pacing and scenery. I was there, I could see everything, I really don't have any more criticisms. So, I didn't particularly like the story, but you still deserve a Very Good. Good luck to you!

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Good visuals, though there's a predictable element to the story. Seems like the teaser at the beginning of an episode of "Supernatural" or "X-Files".

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

This is one of those stories that leaves me with questions. Like, why not drop one or both bags and save yourself? Also, people like me have preconcieved ideas of what vampires are like and I wonder why she didn't use her superior strength to fight off the security guys.

Your formatting is good. I'd like to hear the dialogue of the people drinking coffee. One of your descriptives annoys me - I don't think sunlight threatens the horizon under any circumstances.

Still, I really like this premise and I see a lot of potential here. I hope you do a longer rewrite. If you do, I have some ideas on how you could expand on this. Let me know if you're interested in hearing them.

Good work that would be Very Good in a longer version.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

By day she is a catlike creature and at night she is human? Pacing is right on and fast perfect. Story left many questions like what is she and in the trash bags was it filled with blood bank blood? I feel that this story wasn't finished either much more needed to be told. It felt like it stopped right in the middle of the beginning of the story.
Overall, I felt this is a good read.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

I couldn't figure out where this story was taking place. In the woods then in the police van, then the hopsital? I guess Kasia was some kind of vampire and the cops captured her and threw her in the van. But why would they take her to a hospital parking lot? What was in the garbage bags she was dragging?

this seemed cool but in the end I just couldn't figure out what was going on. If you get a lot of that from readers I'd work on making your visuals and story clearer.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Ha ha. May I remind you, however, that vampires can survive in daylight, it's just that they can't change form (for instance, into a bat), so are more vulnerable and so sleep at daytime.

However, it could still work, as long as I knew which vampire legends you were following. For instance, can't Kasia just fly off with the bags? Why does she have to run? She's obviously a vampire with a conscience, stealing from the blood bank rather than killing, but surely she can break out of a police van? How did the police manage to restrain her anyhow?

Also, vampires are slightly overused, even in the modern context. It was still good, just not very original.

Matt Johnson (Level 3)

Intense script to say the least. It was heart pounding almost the whole way. Not much to say about this besides make sure you proof read it a couple times to remove those small errors. Good job and I really enjoyed the script.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Nice description, but you've offered a situation without giving your readers a story. Yes, you've given us a little surprise when the sunlight hits Kasia and then reinforced it with "Blood Bank" on the door, but she's caught from the second paragraph on. The rest are enhancements to that basic situation. This feels like part of a longer piece to me.

Michael Cornetto (Level 5)

That was quite well written and it tells a story but...

I think it read a bit more like the beginning of a larger story than it does just as it's own isolated story. I think that's because of the police. While it might KASIA's last day, it isn't going to be the last day of the investigation. And I think the investigation is more the story you want here.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Great stuff here. I love how my perception of Kasia changed over the course of the story. First, I think she's a murdering robber, but at the end, I realize perhaps she was only trying to avoid hurting anyone by stealing the blood. Good job transitioning between the parking lot and inside the van by using sound. Very good descriptions.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

'her pursuers' - perhaps mention them with a glance over her shoulder, there's nothing to indicate she's being chased

'sunlight threatens', great choiice of word considering the twist.

your character descriptions are superb, 'jaded cop, faded beauty, not only poetic but gives an instant feel for the character, I wanted to know more about her.

Kasia has a great intro too, very visual, she feels fragile and stunning which makes the ending so poignant, she's not killing but she still has to feed, I also felt as though she may have been taking the stolen blood bags back to her young. I can also totally visualise her flipping out in the back of the van, a terrified creature, and I like how you didn't give her any dialogue.

I really hope Beth gets Kasia out of the sunlight before it's too late and then gets her story out of her. Awesome piece, a full story and yet also a real 'grab ya' intro to something longer and ...meatier.

This has real substance and 3 acts, I'm impressed by how the characters felt 'fully drawn' by your descriptions of them. I aspire to this standard of writing.

Think the title could have been stronger...

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

first off, the slug line tells us it's night for the opening image. no reason to repeat. if you want the scene lit by moonlight, find a better way to portray that suggestion.
"Sunlight threatens to break the horizon." novelistic. how is this shown on the movie screen?
Many of your paragraphs need to be broken into multiple paragraphs. the rule of thumb is to start a new paragraph when the camera sets up a new shot. once you format this properly, you have a story that's longer than one page.
"Shivering in the back of the van is Kasia." this is passive sentence structure. rearrange it so it's active. active sentences are engaging and don't distract the read.
I read this twice to understand your purpose. the main reason I didn't get it the first time is because of the long paragraphs and how distracting they were. since I just scanned them, I missed an important detail = "Light catches Kasia's arm. skin blisters and cracks, reveals sharp, fanged teeth."

Patrick T. Lo (Level 0)

The huge block of text is turn off for me personally, but the piece is well written. My concern is that if you didn't have to write this script in under a page, would the writing be crammed up like this? Or would it have dialogues (the cracking jokes)?

Other than the lack of breathing space in the script, I enjoy the read.Very good.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

The setting is very creepy...good visuals.

Some of the narrative paragraphs could be curtailed a bit by slimming down the descriptions. While these descriptions are well written, there might be too many and too overly-descriptive, creating a prose-like feel.

If the script is gonna be mostly narrative, make it a quick, easy read. Try not to create a black, bulky looking page.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a good chilling story with strong visuals. You have told a complete story that has intrigue building up through to the finish.

I like the "pale as the moon" description but I think there is a minor technical problem in the way you have written it. Because a screenplay describes what's on screen when I read this I set my mental picture as a pale white faced woman running through the woods. Then later on you say "face all covered in blood". Now I have to scrub my mental image and think of it differently. This breaks the flow of how I see the movie unfolding. It is difficult but always good in screenplays to keep the reader flowing smoothly along.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I thought this one was well written, but for some reason I didn't connect with any of the characters so I didn't feel much for the story itself. I felt it was maybe a little disjointed. This probably would have worked better if you had developed Kasia a little more. Or any of the other characters. I didn't see the ending coming so that's a big plus.

Raymond Belair (Level 3)

There are so many vampire stories out there now that if you are going to attempt one, it really has to bring something new to the table to be effective. It was obvious at the start that Kasia is a vampire, so no surprises there. And the blood bank thing is somewhat of a modern vampire cliche, so that didn't help. What we're left with is a well-written peice, with a very flat story. Good luck.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Enjoyed it. I loved that the title references 'Daylight' yet the script opens at night. Immediately compelling. I thought the scene with the Paramedics and Security people wasn't needed. It made the human element seem jaded. I would have preferred if you used the space to amp up the mystery of who Kasia was and why she was running away. The scene where Kasia is exposed to light was nicely written and I sensed the closure at that point. I wouldn't have closed with the scream. Kasia has been screaming throughout --I think it would be better to close on the Blood Bank sign. Just my opinion. Really enjoyed the concept and presentation though.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Cool story. Vampires (this was a vampire story, right?) seem to be hot these days. Pretty cool writing style. I especially liked the line about the cop---jaded cop, faded beauty. Well done, good title too.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Great title. Fantastic suspense. Original premise.

Ah! The Vampire makes a great comeback at MP. I hope we have a Zombie script in this contest as well.

I loved this.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

Great title. I liked the story. You packed a lot in only one page. I think you did well setting up the story and creating a lot of images in the story.

I'm not a fan of horror or vampires etc, but I gave this good marks, because it was written well, and told a story in just one page. Nicely done.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

I like the ending but it was a bit of a rough road to get there. I understand that you are trying to convey the chase and the stress in Kasia's situation. However, there are so many scene changes that I don't think you really do it justice. I would prefer to see fewer scenes with slightly less detail and focusing on Kasia's situation and her terror at the mistreatment/apathy of the cops. I think the ending would have more punch.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is not really a story, just the beginning of one. It's all intro, then we find out she's a vampire who robbed a blood bank. (I'm not sure why it's called "Daylight Robbery." The robbery occurred at night, didn't it?) Anyway, the challenge here is to create a complete story in a page. Something more than a surprising reveal has to happen. But most of this is just intro. The descriptions are very good, but wasted here. We don't really need to know that the coffee came from a vending machine or that Detective Mercer is a jaded cop and a faded beauty. Great stuff in a screenplay where it matters, but it doesn't matter here. You've only got one page -- get on with the story!!

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

nicely done. the only problem being that you did way too much telling and now enough showing. I'll give you a few examples and provide, in my opinion, what you could have done instead.

"She carries two black trash bags, a heavy load"
- since these bags are full of blood, you could delve further into detail regarding how they sloshed to and fro, rather than summing it up in a simple "heavy load". That's telling us it's heavy, rather than showing us. If we envision her running with these heavy bags, we'll see he breathing heavily, straining, and other various signs of stress caused by the bags themselves. We don't get that, we get "they're heavy". Elaborate

"officer lifts tape and leads along a corridor, more like a river of blood"
-To save space, you could have eliminated the "leads along a corridor" entirely and just went with the river of blood spewing down the corridor. Something to that effect. Go into detail of how the blood is puddled all over the floor, shades of red bleed from the wall, footprints streak the linoleum floor. When people think of a river of blood, their first reaction is the river of slime in Ghostbusters, the one that's underground and that Vego guy's face illuminating from it.

These are just two examples but I'm sure you get the general idea. You did very well and I'm sure a lot of it was just crammed in to fit the limitations of a one pager, but that's just as good as cheating. Like writing a 6-pager when the rules state it should be 5. It's nicely done but unfair to the others since you've essentially crammed two pages into one.

Not that it takes away from the story. That's effin excellent!!!

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

I felt the descriptions were over written. Seemed more like novel writing then screenwriting. As an example you say, "terror etched on her face." Could be trimmed to "Face of terror." Many more examples throughout.

While reading I kept thinking this was some sort of vampire story only to be left at the blood bank. So, may it was a vampire story. Anyway, it was tough for me to read and did not flow well for my taste.

Overall, it was okay.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

You don't need 'night' in the first sentence. Repetition of the slug-line.

I really liked this. I thought you packed a hell of a lot of story into just one page.

Some plot wasn't explained fully, and in a way, I don't think one page did this justice. It could definately use an extension...but as it is now it still works very nicely.

Best one I've read so far (out of 10)

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I liked the visual storytelling with no dialog and rich descriptions. I would suggest having fewer characters and fewer scene transitions - more character interaction would have made this better. As it is, there was no character I could really connect with - Kasia was interesting but not sympathetic; there was not enough Beth for me to relate to either.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Your descriptions are way too long and, in many cases, unnecessary. It seems to me that you went into a lot of trouble to say just a little bit. I would ask why you gave a complete name to the detective but left the officer as the 'officer.'

Tim Westland (Moderator)

You've obviously got talent up the wazoo as concerns description/narrative. Holy smokes.

This felt like part of a larger work, and that's fine... but I was dying for some bit of dialogue. But there was none.

It was all prep work. Great prep work... but a script needs dialogue... even a one pager.

I rate this as Good... and I hope you are writing a full screenplay and that I get to see it someday.

best of luck.

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

This is a funny short, it was kind of losing me until right at the end

Good punch line/twist! :-)

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

So were the cops vampires, too? And they were stealing her blood stuff? I knew Kasia was a vampire from the very first line, so that kinda ruined the twist at the end a bit. Very good writing and I couldn't find any grammar mistakes at all. I kinda wished the story kept more, that there was more to it, but as it is it's good.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The most exciting character you have here is Kasia, and yet you don't present enough of the story from her point of view. The paragraph that describes the scene outside the hospital takes up too much space; it's clear what you want out of that scene, but I don't want to know what the cops are doing, especially Beth; you can't film "jaded cop" unless she does something to prove her jadedness. To the viewer, Beth is just another cop. If this were a longer script and Beth was a recurring character, then it would make sense to mention her personality. The reveal of the blood bank isn't strong enough to surpise. I would key in on Kasia, walk us through her struggles throughout the night. I want to know what she had to fight through to get to where she is, so when she starts to fry in the van, then I'll know whether I want to root for her or be happy she's dying. Otherwise your descriptives brought me into the story and didn't lose my interest one bit. Thanks.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this script, though I was never really sure about the conflict -- whether the story belonged to Beth or Kasia, I guess I think it would be a solid start to a longer story.

I did like that it was a blood bank and not a mess of dead people. Interesting.

William Coleman (Level 5)

You write very well. Your descriptions are vivid and you adroitly mix sentence - simple and complex - with sentence fragments. this gives your writing punch and movement. This is all to your credit, but I see this as a story for a longer script, not a one-page screenplay. "Forensic Officers stand idle., blowing steam off vending machine coffee, cracking jokes or shaking their heads..." suggests dialog to be written. I like things to be suggested, but I want a little more detail, a sense of where this is going. I gather this is a werewolf or vampire story, but I think this is a core of something longer. As a short piece it doesn't work for me. You are a talented writer. Keep at it. In fact, I'd like to see a longer version of this on screen as a feature film.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

There's a lot packed in here, but I can't believe a vampire would allow herself to get caught so easily by a couple of security guards. Most importantly, there's no payoff at the end. The lack of dialogue is very poignant, but this definitely seems like a story that should go beyond a single page.

You have something here you can work with for certain, just avoid a cliche for an ending. (It actually reminds me of old horror movies from the 50s.)

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I think this is well written, short-story style. I'm having a problem in that I try to imagine watching it on film, and I just can't see it being very interesting. It's a good short story, but I feel like it needs some kind of I-don't-know-what to be a good film. I wish I could say what I think it needs, but I'm not sure. Good job of writing a story, though.

Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/1/2009 12:36 AM

I loved this and gave it an excellent. I think this is my favorite of your scripts. The visuals are phenomenal. This would make a great little film.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 1/1/2009 2:19 AM

This deserves a place amongst the best Vampire stories here at MP. Nice job.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2009 4:15 AM

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

I've been messing around with this story for years. It started as a short story about an off-duty cop donating blood when the place is raided by vampires. Then it evolved into an outline for a feature length heist movie: The Italian Job with benevolent vampires. Then I wrote it as a five page short for the "It's not as bad as it looks" contest here on MP but I wasn't happy with it so I didn't enter. Then I eventually whittled it down to this one pager. That might explain some of the details that don't seem relevant. Beth's character could probably be omitted from this version, she had a bigger role in the five pager. I'd argue that the scene with the paramedics standing idle is important because it foreshadows that no-one was hurt, despite all the blood. I probably could've used a couple of lines of dialogue but only for pacing purposes, I think the story works well enough visually.

Thanks for the insightful comments.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2009 1:29 PM

A great job Martin. I thought this was going to be placed.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 1/2/2009 10:29 AM

Really enjoyed this one, Martin.
Great work.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/2/2009 11:44 AM

Scored this one excellent, great work, Martin.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 1/3/2009 2:45 PM

Just clocked your logline for this, I'm liking the title a lot more now.