Comments Made During the Contest

Adam Grage (Level 4)

I like the imagery of this piece. I think the ideas flow well and feel tight on the page but I am lost as to its meaning. I can't say that is necessarily your fault because I may just be missing it but you may want to review it to see if the overall idea is too obtuse and needs something to clarify your theme or underlaying tone of the piece.

I did enjoy it though because it was very easy to visualize. Good job.

Adrienne Jorgensen (Level 4)

I think this would make rather a strong visual and I enjoy how full it feels for a one-pager without any dialog. I'm normally a fan of dialog, but I do enjoy its absence in this piece.

It reminds me of the, well I don't know what it is exactly; it's not an ad, but it's not a PSA either. At any rate, it has a bunch of kids saying "tick", like a clock, with images of environmental destruction and their faces. Your piece seems to be along those lines, though more cinematic.

Alan Webb Munoz (Level 3)

The writing is very good. The sense of foreboding is palpable. But it did leave me very confused.

Ali Barr (Level 4)

Nice visual presentation, very descriptive. It may be a little heavy on description for a working script but it does give the art department clear direction. I didn't fully get it though. Is the oil and heat a representation of burning up hours and minutes? Time passing? No one can hold it back? If so, then so far this seems like a "something happened" more than a presentation of a problem, a proposed solution and a resolution. I think you can tweak it and bring us more into the story.

You are definitely a good writer. It just needs to take us somewhere.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

Don't rely too much on adjectives and adverbs for good descriptions. It's all about choosing the right verb to portray the action.

Story-wise was pretty good. Lots of action/descriptions, which makes it feel more like a novel than a screenplay. I was a bit confused throughout it. I guess I found it hard to follow. That's probably just be me, though.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

You walked a tight rope on the length of action lines. With no dialogue this looks exactly like a book. Also, when you don't have any dialogue, it usually takes the reader longer to read what you write. Read more scripts, especially here at Movie Poet, to see the "less is more" theory in use, that's what screenplay's are all about.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

There is way too much text on that page for 1 page of script, mainly because it was over descriptive. Trim adjectives and adverbs aggressively, break thick paragraphs apart or trim them down. As for the story, I'm not sure I followed what happened here or what the meaning was supposed to be. My guess would be that it was some sort of abstract warning about oil production and global warning and that everyone's clock is running out, but I really am not sure. Whatever the purpose was here, it wasn't clear. Nice writing, now make it look like a page from a script instead of a novel.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

With a one pager with no dialogue you have to be careful not to make it look like a short story. However, you're one of the few i think got it right.

This was poetic, and full of creativity. Great job. I loved it.

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This script is really well written and very visual. However, it's somewhat surreal and mostly incomprehensible.

What does it mean? Is it something to do with the passage of time affecting everyone? If so, how are the light and the oil relevant?

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Visually impactful. I could see it on screen. I wish I was more intelligent though because I couldn't quite understand what you were trying to say.

Something along the lines of our obsession with oil taking over the world? But why the heat? The clock hands melting - us running out of time?

Yes - very clever imagery but too clever for me :)

CarrieAnn Lee (Level 3)

It's probably just me, but I am lost in this story. Totally lost. Is this an environmental peice that is trying to show the (possible) futrue damage that can be done by global warming or . . . ? This reads more like a noval or short story. Where are your headings? We need something to introduce us to the next scene or simply one word in capitals to connect all the characters. The flow will not be interrupted only enhanced with something like: (for example)

TWO BABY BLUE EYES

stare directly . . . Infront of the light,

AN ENORMOUS TRANSPARENT CLOCK

precariously hovers . . . A thick

DROP OF BLACK OIL

flows down the . . .

A BEAD OF SWEAT

dript down the . . .

Anywho, this is just a suggestion for making it look more like a script and alloting you more of that desirable "white space" that script readers are always ranting about. Ah, . . . I know what you are thinking, "But, I won't be able to fit all of this onto one page anymore!" True, but worth the page lengthening for a future story. I love your visuals: the transparent clock, the elongated shadows from the clock's hands, the hands melting away - a cinematograher's dream.

Intersting, good descriptions, but slo-mo here doesn't entirely get it. Sorry.

Keep on writing!

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this was very good, though I must admit I am not positive I know what your meaning is here. Great images and cool story, but was looking for something just a bit more revealing or shocking at the end.

Still, really good job for a one-pager.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

Somehow I feel this would be longer than a minute. I think this might be something that has to be SEEN to be appreciated. I get what you are trying to do, but the words are painting the a picture would. Good Job.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

The images are wonderful and imaginative, but I'm not sure I know what it all means.

Is there a story here or is it just a metaphor involving our dependence on oil? I'm not really sure.

Honestly, I feel a bit frustrated because I've read it twice and I still don't get it.

Christopher Canole (Level 2)

An opening without dialogue is quite a challenge. Sort of like a one minute commercial. As a union set photographer I read this as if trying to figure out what images could best summarize what is happening. If I took stills of each beat of your page I would have many that seemed variations of the child with no new information. If this were a trailer to a movie what is the subject, is it literal as in science fiction, or metaphorical like Dali's melting clocks? What might help the audience is a reaction from the cast rather than just staring. Structurally, you use the TICK and TOCK of the clock well in the second half, why not use it from the beginning? And may I suggest using only "active" verbs instead of "is" and "has".

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

This was a bit obscure... I just didn't see a story here that I could follow. However, your imagery was well written. Your refrences to Salvador Dalí's Persistence of Memory paintings were interesting. I couldn't figure out what you were trying to symolize with your references to the dripping oil.

Although the descriptions were very visual and well written, I thought they were cumbersome and at times confusing to read.

Interesting collection of images though.

David Birch (Level 5)

no dialogue...only action/description...reads much more like a novel/short story than a screenplay...you story premise is okay, but you need to "morph" it into screenplay format...you could use (V.O) to tell your story and get the reader emotionally "hooked"...creativity was more than adequate...now, work it into a screenplay...thanks for the read...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

Good attempt at something a little different. Always give kudos for that. Seems the intensity of the passing images is lessened by the less than succinct words. For instance: “… everything goes completely black.” phrase could be simplified by dropping completely, or better yet, by compressing all the words in the overall sentence. Take the key image you want to describe and use the fewest number of words to actually describe it. Terse and succinct to match your story.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I'm sorry but I have nothing substantive to offer for this because I couldn't really figure it out, too enigmatic beyond anything I've ever seen. Interesting visuals, but that doesn't help the story.

Erenik Beqiri (Level 3)

I think I know who wrote this, hope i'm not guessing wrong. This was a great read, the idea was very original for me and i like the fact that you managed to create such visuals in one page. The description is really good.

My only complain is that, at first i had problems understanding the overall story. I think that part could reworked.

Great job.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Beautiful writing. Be careful that your screenplays don't start sounding too much like a novel.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

There's something going on here. I've given you a very good rating as the descriptions are wonderful. But I still don't believe this is a complete story. I'm thinking it's something to do with the cycle of life. But I'm not sure if it's complete. I think this story should be extended to give a much larger picture. I still might not get it, but at least the writing is great. Lol.

All the best.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

I didn't understand this on a visual level.

You assume an understanding on the part of the viewer about certain things, without showing them.
The clock hovers precariously:
What does precariously look like?
Thirty-five seconds remain on the clock:
How can we see what remains on a clock?
The hands of the clock are melting from heat generated from the light source.
How can we tell that from looking at it?
an elderly Arabic woman:
Arabic is a language. How can you tell from someone's face what language she speaks?
The brilliant luminance shines down unforgivably:
How do you show a luminance shining unforgivably?

You have a confusion of images: an indoor sun, a floating clock that drips oil, porcelain tiles, and faces that come and go.
If you start with the premise that this script is about global warming, there is a logic to the images. But you need to do a better job of presenting your ideas in a way that is understandable to the eye.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

This wasn't really a script. However, you did keep it entirely visual which almost makes it filmable. It was too abstract for me, I mean I picked up on the themes of global warming and peak oil but it was too "messagey" and didn't really tell a story. It might make a great montage for the opening of "Inconvenient Truth II", but it doesn't stand alone.

John Brooke (Level 5)

Wow, I’m overwhelmed! What an abstract phantasmagoric film you have conjured up with your series of jump cut montages.

You present us with Dada fantasy of a future world that is difficult for me to grasp.

An avalanche of heightened language. Seems at odds with the intent of this site. “Celebrating the beauty and economy of language in short scripts.”

I don’t believe that newborn babies have developed the necessary neurological connections necessary for intellectual curiosity. They can detect the light and dark as you depict.

Overall I don’t understand or comprehend what you are saying so loudly.

John P. Dowgin (Level 3)

This is a longer script crammed into one page, especially in the case of the 8th paragraph. I though the imagry was quite nice during the first half, but then became a little labored in the second half. I also think some of the descriptions could have their dramaitc wiehgt enhanced by being pared down; less would be more here, especially in such a visually complicated concept.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Hmmm, not sure what to make of this one. It’s more like the synopsis of a music video or an art house film than an actual story. You present a series of powerful images with little meaning behind them all.

In addition, your writing is very heavy going with more black text than white space. It’s like you’re trying to squeeze everything in to one page :)

Jose Batista (Level 5)

I don’t understand what is going on in this script. If the meaning of the clock with its melting hands was alluded to in the script, then it was too subtle and could not see it. The script has no clear story and does not have a set of actions that would denote anything happening in a particular institution or laboratory. The descriptions of the white tiles would certainly be for those two, but I cannot see where, how and why. The writing was also banded together in large blocks of descriptions. I think you tried to fit too much into this one pager and it ended up a misunderstood story.

Your grammar and punctuation were alright and you understand the rules of scritwriting so keep at it and read many scripts from previous contests to get a good feeling for the type of material you need to present.

Kathy Thomas (Level 3)

I can see that there is a visual but I don't see a story. I think that visually this film if shot would be beautiful but as reader, I can't honestly say that I enjoyed reading it. It's confusing to read. You don't get a clear picture of exactly what is going on.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

This script has the verbose feel of a preachy art film. I can't imagine that it would be that much fun to watch, to be perfectly honest.

I don't get the title, nor the source of the extreme light. All I can figure is that this script is a commentary on oil dependence, which clouds the issue of the title.

Come to think of it, it feels more like an essay than a film. Sorry, not my cup of oil.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Interesting visuals and symbolism.

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

I don't know why, but I have a strong aversion to this type of story. It seems too simplistic an approach to a huge problem. It's also been done the same way every time I hear it. Only the scenery changes. This is a public service message that's getting old. Right down to the "Tick,tock..."

I'm not consciously marking down for my prejudices, but they're there and I'm trying to work around them.

Your formatting is pretty good. Your phrasing is good. Pupils don't dilate in bright light unless it's due to illness or drugs. You should fix that error or work it into the story.

You're a good writer. If you're going to take on this type of message story again, though, you might want to do it in a way that will come across more powerfully and uniquely.

Good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

What? I have no idea what this script is suppose to be about. It makes no sense to me. It is quite visual though which is good.
Concept: Poor
Story: Poor
Characters: Poor
Overall, I felt this is a poor read.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Well that went over my head. I read it twice too. I didn't understand what the clock and the oil had to do with eachother. And there was 35 seconds left? What did that mean?

I hope I'm the only one who didn't get it but if I'm not you should work on making what you see in your head clearer to people who are reading it. Not just the visuals but the meaning behind them. Maybe this was just too deep for one page.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Doomsday clock. I get it.

Your script felt too verbose. It's not that you can't use long words, it's just how much space it takes up. For instance: "the pupils are fully-dilated reflecting the awesome strength of energy ahead." This won't mean anything to anyone that hasn't read the script, and cutting through all the extraneous words is like wading through treacle (sorry to mix metaphors) in order to get down to the fundamental visual. What are we looking (reading) at? Blue baby's eyes, looking ahead. That's all that's needed.

The fact that you used up a whole paragraph describing a baby's eyes just makes me feel very, very tired, and might've even stopped me reading the rest of the script, if it hadn't been one page long. OK, if it was a lingering, slow-burn shot of eyes that you wanted to convey, fine, but describe it some other way. You'd drive someone mad trying to match the level of description.

See, all this stuff just distracts and detracts from a quite good (if preachy by connotation) script that would make a stark, thought-provoking film (about oil, right?).

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Fantastic.

I loved it.

Great idea, powerful imagery, solid writing.

My only complain is a nitpick - a few too many adverbs for my taste but otherwise the writing is very strong.

For some reason I'm reminded of those awesome Guinness commercials from a few years ago.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Some strong images here, but the meaning of this tale escapes me completely. Sorry.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

What? Didn't get this. Don't understand why all the different people. What am I supposed to feel for whom? Don't understand why this is called the second sun. Not sure what the clock means or why its hands are melting into oil. What is the set up? What is the complication? What is the pay off? This piece is a montage with no story.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Really interesting visuals, good descriptions, and timely social commentary. It definitely intrigued me. But it read more like a short story than a script, that's the only critique I have. Sorry I can't be of more help, it's hard for me to evaluate an unconventional script like this.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

This is incredibly visual although I think it would be longer than a page if each shot was given it's own space on the page - i.e a fresh line for each change of character and shot of the clock and dripping oil.

I feel this is a very interpretive piece and my take is that it is a comment on global warming and the way we humans are destroying Earth and raping her of natural resources. I look forward to reading others' comments, and your own, on this script.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

Way too much prose and not enough screenwriting.
"The sound of a clock ticking" - eliminate this sentence. We've already heard the clock; no reason to tell us it's the sound of a clock.
"seconds pass by inevitably." - eliminate the adverb.
"an incredible light source" - I could not visual what you meant by this.
I like the visual of "hands of the clock stretch elongated shadows..."
"hands of the clock are melting" - this is a passive sentence. rewrite to make it active and engaging.

of course, once you rearrange the sentences of the paragraphs into the "rule of thumb" guideline (each time the camera sets up a new shot, start a new paragraph), you have a story that is longer than one page. this guideline applies especially to the "tick-tock-tick-tock" when you cut from Asian to Latino to Slavic to Arabic. the way you've written it, each image would get about 1/10 of a second of screen time. Not enough time to recognize the races you want highlighted.

and, the story never resolved. maybe you intend for me to extrapolate my own outcome? but, I don't have enough information to do that. many unanswered questions.

Overall, I'll have to wait for the film version to be released before I will truly understand your vision.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

Here's a true story- I had just reviewed a few scripts and was about to call it a night, but I was intrigued when I saw your script's title pop up, as it grabbed my interest. So, I opened it up and was confronted by a large, black page of narrative text and got bummed out. This was all before I read one word- first impressions.

And now that I've read it, I have no idea what it's about...I'm sorry. I always appreciate imagination, originality and inventiveness, but I'm at a loss as to what you are trying to convey to me. I know I'm not the brightest guy around, so maybe others will understand and appreciate this more than me, but in the meantime I did give this a Good.

Spec scripts should appear lean and entice the reader into a fast, fluid read. Action paragraphs should be no more than three of four sentences long. While this is visually written, it did read more like prose.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

It's great that you have written something truly cinematic and with a message. I'm guessing that in your head you have it sketched out what this is going to look like and how the clock moves as the people change. However I was not clear on some of it which I guess is to be expected.

One area on which I'd like to be clearer is the clock ticking and people changing thing. Being mathematically minded I guess I'm expecting a logical pattern. What I got was young blue eyed baby gets quite a few seconds, next person gets less, next less, then each tick changes the people, then the Arabic woman gets longer, then old man version of the baby gets longer still. So what I'm saying is why this pattern? Is it a logical pattern that would feel like a natural sequence? When I first read it I was looking for the reason behind it and didn't find it. Maybe I'm weird but even in chaos I look for structure and reason!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

Hmmm... feel free to call me stupid if you want, but I didn't really understand this one at all.

It also felt way too much crammed into one page. Too many visuals that I would have loved to be able to better see/understand, but the one page restrictions keeps them from really coming out on the page.

I think for me, this one although well written has too much story, too much visually going on for one page and as a result the whole thing suffers.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Excellent vocabulary. My initial reaction is that this is overwritten, more like a novel and less like a screenplay. It's very visual and capitivating but it lacks the drama of latching onto a character and following along with their journey. I had a hard time establishing a beginning, middle and end. It was stimulating but, without the drama of an anticipated climax, it could have just as easily been one of those commercials that draws you in if only to see what the heck they're selling anyway. High marks for creativity and originality. Well written as well. Nice work.

Rob Gross (Level 4)

Another well written entry to this month's contest. Your descriptions were vivid and pacing was awesome - especially toward the end during the "TICK TOCK" part. The title made me think of an old Twilight Zone, where the sun was getting closer and closer. The story, with its many "oil" references, made me think this was a story about the world focus on oil. Were you going for that? OR was this about another "sun" melting down the earth.?
The prose could be tighter as well, but only one page so it wasn't difficult to read.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

The title provides a clue to this piece that on first glance seems to be about not particular protagonist and doesn't seem to have a plot.

This is satire, pure and simple. Your comment about energy resources consuming human beings of any race, color, creed or age is horrifying because it is true.

The large chunks of paragraphs are the only way you could convey this in a single page and this might deter some of the reviewers, as it did me initially.

Global warming is the other idea I think you were going for but I think it is more the former than the latter.

This would make an excellent PSA. Vivid and true. Nice job.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

I'm sorry, but I'm not sure I follow what this is about. I don't see a story here at all. And a screenplay is a story. I may be mistaken, but I can't understand what is happening. Sorry I can't be more help

I'm going to feel foolish if this has some deep meaning that is going right over my head.

Sasha Clancy (Level 4)

I'm not really sure what to do with this one. It has some great visuals and some great writing but I don't see the story. This feels like the introduction or perhaps ending of a short story instead of a stand-alone 1 minute movie. I'm sure there's a message that I'm missing since it appears to be highly symbolic but since I'm missing it, I can't comment on it.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

I have no idea what this is about. But I do know that it's more prose than screenplay. A screenplay is more than prose -- in addition to telling a compelling visual and emotional story it presents a plan for putting that story on film. The ultimate audience (ideally) is the viewing audience, and as such they won't have the opportunity to read your script. So phrases like "as the seconds pass by inevitably," are wasted. I don't really understand the point of this screenplay, but whatever the point is the writing should be much tighter.

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

I didn't entirely get the big picture. The sun melted time which turned into oil which drowned the people of the world? It was well written, the story just doesn't seem coherent in my mind. That's probably more or less my problem rather than yours but... I don't know. I'll have to reread it again.

Good job of writing, though.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

All I can say is psychotic. This story made no sense to me at all. It was nothing but a jumble event of dripping oil, melting clock hands, changing faces, and one terrified person.

The script did not flow well and pacing was bad. Your descriptions need to be trimmed and the whole script needs more white space for a faster read. I did not see any character arc in the story except if you include the clock as character who has hand in the beginning and loses them by the end of the story.

In my honest opinion, this was a poor effort.

To improve your script begin with a character, his or her flaws, goals, enemies, and conflicts along the way. Character may help you craft a winning screenplay.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I'd like to say I understood this...because it feels very intellectual, but unfortunately I didn't.

There's a strong sense of foreboding and dread right through the script, and I belive that is very intentional. I din't really get the changing faces though.

I'm curious as to the meaning of this one. I think you did well with it, but it went over my head.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

Less is more? This missed the point of this month's theme. It reads like a novel, not a script.

The heavily descriptive prose while well written and surreal in a Dali kinds way, did nothing to develop a character or plot. No conflict, no resolution, and nobody I could relate to. Thirty-five seconds remain? I'm pretty sure I missed the point - is this an end of the world story? Why should I care what happens to these people I only get a glimpse of.

I suggest scraping it all - find a character in here and tell that person's story rather than bounce me around in the overdrawn images. Evoke some emotion by letting me share in a person's situation or inevitable doom rather than some clock in the dark.

Lose the large blocks of text, edit and condense the writing to evoke pictures and emotion in a minimalistic way. Think: POETRY

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

Your descriptions are too long and elaborated. I think that that is an error in a criptic script because the reader trudges through the page rather than enjoy the writing.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Great descriptions... but no real story. Just a progression of disconnected events.

It's not a script.

Travis DeStein (Level 5)

Wow, this was some serious Space Oddyssey stuff. I think I understood the gist of the metaphors, although I think the writing could be improved. Instead of just a huge wall of text and all, I think it would help smoothen the script out a lot if you'd add more divisions and space, thereby making it easier to read.

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Interesting piece. Writing-wise there are a few areas that need a little pick-me-up: You should make clear that the newborn is caucasian, if he is caucasian, or let us know his nationality because you specifically mention the other nationalities it would keep in tone with the rest of the script. Repeat sentences: you say "The dirty oil surrounds her feet and seeps back to the edges of the room"., then a few sentences later: "The oil has spread across the entire floor to the room’s edges". Also for "precariously hovers in space" this was enough, but you added: "unattached to anything of substance". Watching this would lead to discussion and interpretaions and that's always exciting. Visually creative piece.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

"Tick-tock, tick-tock... the sound of a clock pounds in the darkness as the seconds pass by inevitably." That sentence should end at pass.

This is not a script as far as I'm concerned. It is prose, full of description and a recurring image.

William Coleman (Level 5)

I really liked your concept of encasing a series of entire lives within one short script. Your descriptions are vivid and well written. The use of the ticking clock ties it all together. In a way, this is a cinematic poem. However, if you had written it in the form of a film script it would have covered three pages when you broke it up into individual shots. It may have run a minute, but I doubt it. Even though I think you cheated in your use of formatting, I liked the concept and the power of the images you use. With that in mind, I give you a good. At three to five pages (properly spaced and formatted) it would be a clear Excellent. It was good to see someone move away from the usual linear story telling and experiment with images telling a story. Better still, no vampires or zombies. I found your work refreshing.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Nice experimental try, but why "only thirty-five seconds remain" - from what point to where? In order for this giant metaphor to work, the hands need to be headed towards midnight (I know it's a cliche, but it is indicative of time running out) and the people really need to be burning up as the sun rages for absolute impact.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I'm sorry, but I didn't have any idea what this was about. So much so that I don't even have an idea what to say about it. I hope other reviewers got what you were saying more than I did.

William Flink (Level 3)

first reaction is that I would like the room description first: the tiles etc.

Interesting Idea with the TICK and TOCK, It's very precise on when each detail is to be introduced.

It's pretty discusting with the perspiring and the oil over the floor, adds intesnity.

And it ends in a cesspool, should it not be a new scene header then? I don't know though.

I feel it's a little bit over my head perhaps, I don't get the message and I feel like there is one, It's interesting though, and I'm pretty sure it'd make an interesting short.

Comments Made After the Contest

Martin Lancaster (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2009 2:10 AM

Really surprised this didn't score better. It's in my personal top three. I don't think you need to fully comprehend a story, or a piece of art for that matter, to get a kick out of it. The ticking clock metaphor is pretty obvious. Beyond that, I think you can interpret this in a number of ways.

Loved the visuals. This would make a great commercial.