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"Tacet" by Travis DeStein ~ First Place

Rewrite: 1/3/2009 12:00 AM

Logline: A young pianist overcomes his fears.

Genre: Drama - Family

Cast Size: 2

Production Status: Available (Please contact the author to negotiate the rights)

Contest: Less is More (Nov. 2008)

Contest Scores
PoorFairGoodVery GoodExcellent
0%3%21%41%35%

Comments Made During the Contest

Alan Webb Munoz (Level 3)

Really liked the use of silence and the building to a suprise climax. The only thing I noticed was the description before the ending made it seem that Alex was suprised by the silence.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4)

This is excellent. At first, I didn't understand what we going on, but your ending made everything clear. It was an awesome ending.

Your piece was incredibly well written, and your descriptions are great. I love how you always placed silence on its own line.

I've said it before that I don't really like all descriptions, but how can I not like this screenplay? Your writing is great, and your story is awesome.

Excellent!

Audrey Webb (Level 5)

I loved it! I am just curious about what we the viewers might hear. How do we know he's made a mistake if we can't hear the false note? Is the film entirely silent, even the ending? Would we hear even his breathing? It's a full movie: beginning, middle, and end. Excellent job?

Austin Bennett (Level 4)

This is how you write a one page sript. Great descriptions. I love how you make us feel deaf. The final two paragraphs brought a smile to my face.

My one very small concern, and it's probably a matter of space, but sign language is still language. What does the she say? It's not said, so it's not in dialogue form, but still an action... It should be noted in the description.

Besides that, I thought this was a wonderful, moving script. Every one should take notes.

Bill Delehanty (Level 4)

I liked the overall story, but the script itself is more of a short story for me. When writing screenplays, the "less is more" concept should always be in affect. Here you describe everything, very well, but that can become very annoying for readers who want to know what is happening and where the story is heading.

Brian Wind (Level 5)

Well written and paced. The title seemed a little obscure. The story was enjoyable and well done. Nice work. I didn't really notice anything I thought could be improved on. Thumbs up.

Bryan Mora (Level 4)

Awww- this was a cute story. No blood -no guts- just happiness. At first glance i didn't under stand the constant use of silence. But by the end i got it. You did a great job with this one. I Loved it.

NOTE: When i think about it this is perfect for a one pager. Really stands out from the others i've read. So, i'm giving this one score higher!

GREAT JOB!

Calvin Peat (Level 4)

This is very well-written and moving.

It feels well-observed and believable, capturing the reader's attention and keeping it throughout.

It also makes good use of the repeated word "Silence."

I don't know what the title means.

"facing away from the them" should be "facing away from them".

A brilliant script.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

I liked this a great deal. Good job. It really had me engaged and wondering and wanting to know. Great visually and a neat impactful ending. A complete story in a page which many of the screenplays in this contest are not.

The phrase 'Alex's jaw hits the floor' jarred a bit with me. I don't think it goes with a screenplay to use such hyperbole.

Great, great work otherwise.

CarrieAnn Lee (Level 3)

I love your little twist in the end where it is revealed that the little piano player is deaf. Some may think this improbable, but let's not forget Heather Whitestone, Miss America '94. Her talent was ballet dancing and she is deaf, making her the first Miss America who has a disability. Lovely story - I hope that it is based on a true story.

Be forwarned though, hearing folk can be a little selfish when it comes to expecting a soundtrack (even when it isn't necessary)

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

Excellent.
The only comment I have is that when no music was to be heard, I figured he was deaf. Do we hear anything? His walking out on stage? Turning the pages? Not sure what would play better on the screen, but hearing the music might make the ending a bit more of a surprise.
Still, thought this was beautiful. Very nicely done.

Chris Keaton (Level 5)

This is a nice little tale. I think writers will go between all action or all dialog when writing one page. We can see which way you dove. It worked well and would have an audience wondering. I do think you need to tighten your language up and make it more active. You had exciting moments that fell flat, because of your tense and word choices. otherwise, great job!

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I loved it.

Your craft is great and the descriptions are wonderful.

Great story and perfect title.

Excellent.

Dan Lennox (Level 5)

Very well done. Although I wasn't aware of Alexs' deafness, I found myself rooting for him all the way. Your pacing and imagery were great, and so were the descriptions. To the point, and effective in moving the story forward.

Overall, this was a Very Good job.

David Birch (Level 5)

has a real good "feel" to it...hard to pick at it for lack of dialogue given the parameters you set up...well written from a technical standpoint...good job...

David D. DeBord (Level 5)

I think this would make a very interesting short. It almost has to be a one-page script and movie, which of course says that you fulfilled exactly, the requirement of the Moviepoet challenge.

I do like the story. I think an audience would have great curiosity about what the heck they were seeing on the screen. But the end of the movie would answer their question. And answer it well.

I’d really like it if you removed the “ing” verbs. Rather than “Little fingers begin walking on the keys…” I’d rather read “Little fingers walk on the keys …” That keeps the action in the present tense and keeps the action active.

And a technical question: “every key he plays is silent, muted.” Is it silent, or muted? Seems like it’s completely silent. Isn’t that the story?

David Rabinowitz (Level 2)

Really good job. A lot of evocative description in a short amount of time. The uses of the word "Silence" on a single line ups the ante each time.

The payoff is satisfying, if a bit familiar. I think the biggest accomplishment here is getting into the head of Alex, so that the end hits the reader more forcefully.

Elias Farnum (Level 5)

I must admit I didn't get the story until the signing at the end. Very clever, I'm not sure if the peice is silent in its entirety, but since standing ovation was not capitalized - - I don't hear a thing throughout. Again, very clever, but I didn't really sense any story in the conventional sense. The visuals were great, and overall a good job.

Nice title, works on both levels. Music silence, and hearing silence.

Faith Friese Nelson (Level 5)

Nice story. I would encourage the writer to make an effort to write more actively. This script has a lot of words that end ING. Try to eliminate some of them and your script will read quicker. Example: "ALEX (9) rushes on, keeping his head down and his nervous eyes from looking into the audience." Consider: "ALEX (9) rushes on, keeps his head down. He refused to allow his nervous eyes to even glance into the audience." Example: "Tongue poking out, Alex dives in." Consider: "Tongue pokes out and Alex dives in." Example: "Alex slowly turns, finally facing down the audience." Consider: "Alex slowly turns, finally faces down the audience."

Graham Trelfer (Level 4)

This is a nice piece, you have a good story, nice visuals, but reads as much like a short story as script. Although I can forgive this to some extent as it is silent. You should ask yourself what makes this particularly suited to being filmed over being read.

Javier Torregrosa (Level 4)

A well told quick story and once you used the word silent, I knew he was deaf. A good story that was well written and not your usual type of story that one would typically read. The title escapes me. What does it mean? Do you mean Tacit?

A nice story all round.

All the best.

Jim Brown (Level 3)

There's something stunning about the simplicity of fingers striking piano keys, and no sound coming out. It makes us wonder why, and that draws us in.
It's a nice way of expressing this child's subjectivity.

I would change the last line. I don't know that you can show someone not believing something. I would have him do something- even if it's just to smile or bow.

Joel Davis (Level 5)

Nice image, and well done reveal. This was really cinematic, and a good fit for the one page length. I liked the use of "Silence" to space out the page and slow the pacing a bit, it kept it from being too dense. The one nit, and this is minor, is the last line describing Alex's "jaw hits the floor" seems a little cartoonish, and "he can't believe it" isn't visual. A more subtle reaction would have more impact, but like I said, that's minor and you set it up well so we can imagine his reaction.

John Brooke (Level 5)

A miraculous fantasy film that certainly kept me guessing, and thinking and wondering right up to the slap on the side of my head.

I like the poetic syncopated formatting you have chosen to punctuate the pace of Alex’s piano performance.

Nice revealing twist at the finale.

I was puzzled by “Alex’s eyes begin to dawn” what does this mean? Also I think that “every key he plays is silent, muted …” I think it should be just silent, as muted implies deadened sound, what I got was no sound at all.

Your wonderful title though absolutely accurate and may be a little over the heads of non-musicians like myself. I had to look it up! Good work.

Jon Hill (Level 4)

Quite an original idea. My main criticism is that when Alex starts to play, there's a full paragraph where you describe the keys beings pressed *then* you mention the scene is played out in silence. I would mention the silence as soon as the keys are pressed. Other than that, good job.

Kathy Thomas (Level 3)

Very touching story. I liked how silence was used especially when you get to the reveal and we know why there is silence. Well written. Just one spelling mistake there is a "the" in front of "them" in the first paragraph.

Kirk White (Level 5)

a solid story. Nicely crafted but nothing in it really moved me. I kinda figured out the deaf thing before the reveal...if it was indeed a reveal. Overal a sweet tale; told well.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5)

Wow, what an excellent script! I could nitpick here and there about certain uses of words, but I'm not even going to bother. The beauty of your story came out and hugged me in a fantastic way.

As a musician myself, I instantly understood your title. Fantastic choice.

Let me sigh and drink in the gorgeousness of the scene. Ah. So many stories this month have killed children, hacked up children, raped children, lost children, etc. It's been such an evil month for the little ones. And you, in your one tiny script, just redeemed the entire month. Outstanding. Love it.

Lewayne White (Level 4)

Creative and complete story. Great visuals, nice "twist".

Margaret Ricke (Level 5)

Very quiet (pardon the pun) story, and nicely done. I have to admit that I don't understand what you mean when you say, "Alex's eyes begin to dawn..." I think I get the drift of it, but something more clear would help with the visualization.

I like the title and the multiple meanings the word has. It was a nice choice for your story.

Good work.

Marla Brecheen (Level 4)

Wonderful. I loved the twist that he was deaf and that is why there was a silence each time. Great storytelling here. Pacing is right on. Wonderful job.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5)

Cute story. I actually figrued out he was deaf the first time you said silence.
Nice idea for a one pager and nicely written. Good job.

Martin Jensen (Level 5)

Sorry, I had to look it up. Should have known what Tacet meant... I'm actually quite the musician.

I don't know why Alex needs to be nine. It could really be any age, but I think that it's less likely to be someone performing on stage at such an early age (I could be wrong).

It was a nice, charming story, and I would be very interested to be put in the place of a deaf person while watching the filmed version, as it doesn't really come across properly in written form.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Excellent.

Great concept, strong writing, one of my favourites this month. I have a feeling I know who wrote it too.

Matias Caruso (Level 5)

Very good.

My only beef is that I saw the ending coming, but still I was happy to see the kid receive his ovation. You made me care for this character.

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Interesting. Beethovenesque, if there is such a thing. You've offered us a beginning, middle, end, and conflict, which is an achievement in 1 page. I liked that Alex is active and trying to accomplish something. I was disappointed that he was told to look at the audience instead of his having to overcome his fear to look. What if he squinted, took a deep breath, turned, and opened one eye, as a little boy afraid to look might do, to see what the audience's reaction was? All in all, though, very well done.

Micah Ricke (Level 4)

I like what you are trying to do, but this is one of those scripts that reads differently than it would play on the screen. I think it would be much better if we, the audience, heard the music, that we heard his playing. I couldn't imagine sitting through this in a theater. To really convey his deafness and the difficulties he's overcoming you need to have sound. Otherwise it's just a silent film of a kid playing the piano.

Mike Dominguez (Level 3)

Really great use of repetition of the word "silence". You ate up valuable space by placing it as the single word in the lines, but it was worth it for the impact.

Only suggestion is that I don't think the last line is necessary. I would have liked ending on the standing ovation - this visual is what Alex sees, and ending on it would have a powerful impact. It is putting us in Alex's shoes, experiencing his reward as he is experiencing it, as we've been in his position acoustically through the film. We don't need to see Alex's reaction because we'll be feeling it ourselves.

"facing away from the them" - small typo

MJ Hermanny (Level 5)

The title gave the game away for me, but I really enjoyed this.

It's well written and formatted, the descriptions strong, obviously no dialogue to comment on and I really felt for little Alex when he stumbled.

Well done.

Neal Barringer (Level 0)

Loved it! it needed my fresh eye to fix one minor typo. "He sits as the piano, facing away from the them." I was especially suspended by the "Silence" throughout. Had me wondering what the resolution would be. I only saw one spot where adverbs felt wrong = "He quickly brings his other hand to the rescue." of course, "quickly brings" can be replaced with a more active verb to make the image vivid. I was surprised, in a good way, with the final revelation. I did not see it coming.

Paul Pengelly (Level 2)

Well written. Are you a pianist yourself? Wrote the part well.

The only thing is that I wish the payoff (finding out he was deaf) was not given away in such a casual way (the woman backstage signing). I think the script would have worked better if somehow his disability was revealed in the last shot. He looks out, sees the crowd is standing and cheering, and only then do we realize he is deaf (a girl in the front row (maybe his mom or girlfriend), signs to him and it is subtitled on the screen... "you are amazing" - or something like that.

Also - I think MOS should be used (without sound) to explain that the entire perfectly silent - or maybe a bit of white noise...

Very good though. Thanks. Enjoyed reading.

Paul Williams (Level 5)

I absolutely loved this! You get an Excellent from me. I hope this places or at least receives high marks. I can't wait to add it to my favorites.

One of my favorite scripts on here is "Silent Screams," by Sally Meyer, which has the same reveal of the protagonist's deafness explaining certain ascpects of the story.

So, when I learned Alex was deaf, it didn't have as much of an impact on me as compared to if I never read, "Silent Screams," but I enjoyed this none-the-less.

Philip Whitcroft (Level 5)

This is a nice story with a strong visual theme. The danger here is that the viewers might be scratching their collective heads wondering if the sound has failed on the film!

It would be an awkward balance to keep people interested before the reveal at the end but I'm sure there would be a way. Thinking about it you could add in a vibrations theme into the visuals. Say he could closely watch a vibrating glass of water and be feeling vibrations in his feet, that kind of thing.

Pia Cook (Level 5)

I loved this one!

My first Excellent this month!!

You packed a complete story full of emotion and a twist into just one page!

Al I can say is BRAVO!!

I hope you win even though I entered a script myself!

Good Luck!! It was a pleasure! I mean it! :-)

PS. If I had to complain about anything it would be that I did not know what the title meant.

Raymond Belair (Level 3)

Well done. I was surprised how I felt a real sense of tension as I read this. I don't know if it would translate as strongly to the screen, but it was very effective on the page. There are just a couple of things you might consider changing. The tension drains away as soon as we see the woman off-stage using sign language and the silence is suddenly explained. Would it work better if he turned on his own and saw the crowd giving the ovation, look to the wings and see the woman signing, then we see his nervous terror replaced with stunned joy? I didn't feel like the final lines did the piece justice. "Jaw hits the floor" sounds almost comical, I couldn't help picturing a cartoon character with his jaw actually dropping to the floor. And "He can't believe it" is too much of an unfilmable. I'd rather have some concrete, heart-warming description of his reaction to the crowd.

Good luck!

Rich Keel (Level 4)

Nice play on the Silence. Didn't see that coming. Very good story. Unlike some of the other one pagers that seemed to go on this one was quick and more enjoyable to read. Good luck this month!

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

One thing that I'm not used to seeing in scripts is long depicted 'silence.' Obviously, if there's no dialogue and no action -- there is suspended silence. I think this could be beautifully handled by a director but on the page, it leaves me wanting more story. This is cleverly revealed with the twist and the sign language but for much of the story, I kept thinking it was either a dream or a vizualization. The twist worked but again. Too much of the page was Silence. I wasn't engaged by the periods of 'nothing' as much as I would be by watching a film. Simply a viewing versus reading experience.

Rustom Irani (Moderator)

Virtuso writing. Great set-up, conflict and pay-off.

The Silence transitions were beautiful and as the audience I was conflicted as well.

Some descriptions are poetic but I can vividly visualize them in terms of shot selection and execution.

Perhaps a more better description to convey that the silence is his experience rather than ours would work in a longer version.

Here with one page you did extremely well.

Fabulous title.

Sally Meyer (Moderator)

One of my favorites this month. I can just imagine being there in the audience. Wonderfully done. Nice descriptions and a lovely slice of life short film.

What works is that we have a clear beginning, middle and end, with an engaging character and a compelling story..

Well done.

Scott Merrow (Level 5)

This is a nice story, and it would be a nice little movie -- if you could pull it off. The way I see it (on the written page), the whole piece would be silent. So, as soon as he started playing the piano -silently- we (the viewing audience) would know something odd is going on. That would immediately become the big question in our minds -- why is there no sound? Most of us wouldn't notice that "he is no virtuoso." We wouldn't notice when his fingers stumble on the keyboard. And, most importantly, we wouldn't notice the audience's silence when he finishes playing, so we wouldn't understand his anxiety. And, therefore, we wouldn't fully appreciate his joy when he learns by sign language that he's receiving a standing ovation. If you could figure out how to present this onscreen, it would be a heart-warming little movie.

Shaheryar Ahmed (Level 4)

What a piece. Amazing. I would love to see this as a film. A powerful, emotional piece. Brilliant. A very simple yet effective script which tells the story of a deaf boy playing a piano.

He can't listen it himself but by god he is playing a masterpiece. A nice twist. I could see it in front of eyes. a boy shyly or scared to death that what will happen is playing and he does not know what will be the outcome but he gives his best. And recieves a standing ovation! Brilliant. It made me remember a scene from Babel. there is a scene in which the japenese girl enters the club and we see from her POV and there is no music and no sound. The reason is that she is deaf. and the director just gave us a ride from a deaf viewpoint where they don't hear anything. Its like.... I am speechless!

Shane Shearer (Level 4)

Excellent work. Bravo. Love the use of silence. You're led to believe he's screwing up the entire time when, in reality, he's actually deaf. Great work, great set up and structure. You're a heck of a screenwriter.

Spencer McDonald (Level 4)

A different style of story. A good heart felt story that tugs at your emotions. I loved it. Great job.

If I were to offer any suggestions to improve it might be to limit the number of times you write silent. Seem a little overkill. I understand the message and yet feels like overkill.

Two thumbs up on this one. Good luck and I could see this made into a short on youtube.com.

Stephen Brown (Level 5)

I thought this was beautiful. Very poetic and a lovely rythym to this script. I loved the repetition of the word 'silence'. I just googled 'Tacet' and again, I love that. Great choice of title.

I really felt for the kid and felt his joy when he saw that the audience had given him a standing ovation.

I kept wondering why all the silence, and I didn't think of him being deaf. When that was revealed it all came together.

I liked how Alex came out all shy and nervous. His character felt very real.

This felt right as a one pager. My clear favourite so far (58th out of 76) and I'll be really dissapointed and shocked if this doesn't place.

Sylvia Dahlby (Level 5)

I enjoyed this and realized the boy was deaf when he started playing. Good job for one page. I forgave some editorial issues (ie: "He can't believe it" is inside Alex's head, it's enough his jaw drops). I suggest dropping all passive verbs (is, are) and use only active verbs.

Teo Gonzalez (Level 4)

I like your script very much. Congratulations.

Tim Westland (Moderator)

Finally, a well written TWIST !!!!

And a script with a reason for no actual dialogue.

A very nice story...

Tommy Merry (Level 4)

GRAND SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As I was reading I was hoping that you were going there
AND YOU DID. :-)


I know that its fantastic to read. But I wonder how this would play out on the screen?..

"Tacet", I learned a new word!

Ya know, I thought I had a chance this month of placing... but with your screenplay
and a few others I've read.. my chances are less then hopeful.. Hee Hee

Excellent!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

The only tiny little thing that I'm confused about is "He is no virtuoso, though." If we can't hear the piano, then how would we know how good or bad he is?, (this part just seems non-filmable). Otherwise this is a powerful piece. This is the last script I'll review before heading off to work, and I'm happy that my morning will end on a high note. Although his deafness was predictable, the standing-ovation gave me goosebumps.

William Coleman (Level 5)

You manage 5o get into the head if any performer, even though yours is nine years old. All that tension, the fear you are failing, it's all there. I liked your twist at the end that Alex is deaf - echoes of when Beethoven had to be turned to see the audience when he finished conducting the first performance of his Ninth Symphony - and he saw the ovation for his great work.

Your writing has a nice impressionistic style/ I liked the suspended sentence leading to the next and the repetition of the word "silence." I really didn't know where you were taking me. Good work. If you had dropped out FADE OUT (Chris said we didn't need to use that - and done just a bit more of a build this would have been a clear five.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

Nice setup, though the first mention of silence clearly gave away the fact he was deaf. Beyond that, if he had trouble with the piece, why the standing ovation - because the crowd knew he was deaf? If that's the case, then wouldn't Alex despise them because he feels their applause is out of pity instead of his talent? I know I would.

Other than the above, you write beautifully - wonderful turns of phrase, pace and excitement. You truly created a clear and distinct picture that left me feeling the boy's anxiety.

William Dunbar (Level 5)

I thought this was really good. I think it could work really well on film, and it was good to read. I'm not sure about the kid's motivation all the time. Obviously we're not supposed to know he's deaf, but sometimes it seems like he himself doesn't know he's deaf. For example, he doesn't seem to understand why he can't hear any applause. If you left his reactions a little more vague, I think it could work. Really good job overall, though.

William Flink (Level 3)

Awesome Idea, really, good job. It's interesting seeing this boy playing the piano, but the piano doesn't return any sound until you then show that he's deaf! Great.

It feels sort of like an event though, and not much of a story, which maybe is a short film in a nutshell, I don't know.

I imagine it'd be interesting to see this on the screen, and your paragraphs is very clear on what's going on.

For some reason, I want the standing ovation and applauds to be sound though, but he's deaf so that wouldn't be logical.


Comments Made After the Contest

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/1/2009 12:19 AM

Congratulations. This was truly wonderful. I really hope this gets filmed soon.

Pia Cook (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 12:34 AM

Great job dude!!!!

One of my few excellents this month!! :-)

Bryan Mora (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2009 12:42 AM

One of the few excellents i gave this month! I thought this was great!

Congrats!

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 1/1/2009 12:45 AM

I'm happy that I voted 1st, 2nd and 3rd as Excellents... and that this script won 1st.

This was simply an amazing effort and well deserving of 1st place.

Bask in the glory!!!!!! HAHAHA

Happy New Year.

Amanda Sidorowicz (Level 4) ~ 1/1/2009 12:49 AM

Congratulations on first place! This was my one of my favorites (in not my favorite) this month! Awesome job!

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 12:53 AM

I definitely don't deserve any points for originality. Give all that to Beethoven and his Ninth Symphony.

Tacet: Latin, "it is silent." I'm a pianist so I apologize if the title went over anyone's head.

Marnie Mitchell Lister (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 1:34 AM

Congrats Travis! First place in the MP contest with the most entries so extra congrats. :)

Sally Meyer (Moderator) ~ 1/1/2009 1:37 AM

Travis, many congrats!! I loved this and it was one of my favorites!!! Good job.

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 1/1/2009 2:03 AM

Travis, this was fantastic. I could feel that the writer was familiar with playing the piano for an audience and you caught the drama brilliantly.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 2:22 AM

You should check out "The Greatest" by Kenny Rogers if you liked this story. It was a major inspiration for the little boy in my script.

Stephen Brown (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 5:52 AM

Travis, I thought everything about this script was fantastic. Seriously, one of the best scripts I've read on this site. Great job and congratulations. Happy New Year!

William Flink (Level 3) ~ 1/1/2009 6:27 AM

Hey Travis,

This one of the scripts that've stayed with me since last month, definately one of my favourites.

Congratulations =)

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 6:35 AM

Finally got home from work, so I have some time to write.

Thanks a ton to everyone for the great advice and input. I've definitely come a long way since my first script here, and it's all thanks to your help.

I was originally going to write in the sounds of Alex's heartbeat or breathing, so the whole thing wasn't completely silent. It wound up taking too much space and I thought creepy silence throughout the script was kinda cool instead.

I always thought it was a poignant/moving story where Beethoven was unable to hear the applause for his symphony. I just replaced him with a cutesy little boy.

A lot of people complained about the ending. I was trying to have some fun with the character at the very end, but it doesn't seem like anyone else had fun. Blah.

I'm definitely honored to receive so many good reviews and get 1st place. Thank you.

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus) ~ 1/1/2009 3:08 PM

Congrats, Travis. No surprise this one took it. Great job.

Brian Wind (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 5:14 PM

Congrats Travis. Great script.

Kyle Patrick Johnson (Level 5) ~ 1/1/2009 8:05 PM

Travis, well done. I showed this script to my wife, after I'd voted on it. I told her that I wanted to show her an example of an "Excellent" script, and said I hoped this one won. And so it did. Either I'm a genius, or you are. Keep it up.

Tommy Merry (Level 4) ~ 1/2/2009 12:55 AM

A well deserved win.

Well played Sir!

:-) :-)

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/2/2009 1:13 AM

I hope your wife agreed with you, Kyle? :P

Thanks to everyone for the extra comments.

Jose Batista (Level 5) ~ 1/2/2009 2:45 AM

Travis, I was able to review 65 of this month's scripts and it was unfortunate that yours was not one of them. You did a great job with this one pager and it was truly excellent. Congrats on placing first, I certainly agree you deserved it.

Erich VonHeeder (Level 4) ~ 1/2/2009 10:10 AM

Great work Travis.
A much deserved win, and a GREAT start to the new year.

Keep it up!

Rustom Irani (Moderator) ~ 1/2/2009 3:14 PM

Okay, the re-write was fantastic, as well. Those tiny changes do make it stand-out.

Now I've to mark this a favorite.

Chris Messineo (Founder) ~ 1/3/2009 6:45 AM

I loved the original, but the rewrite is even better. Impressive.

Brad Huffman Parent (Level 4) ~ 1/3/2009 9:05 AM

I'm a little confused on the re-write. You still have the line about the sign language, so he's deaf right? Then I don't understand about the sound fading in. Does HIS hearing come back, or is just for the viewer?

I didn't get to review this during the month, but either version would have gotten an Excellent.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/3/2009 9:41 AM

I always wanted to have the sound of the audience come in at the end, as big payoff and all, but I don't know how to make it work. I keep thinking if the whole thing is silent all the way through as a movie it'd feel awkward.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/3/2009 10:26 AM

Alright, I changed it again. This is my final version.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 1/3/2009 9:39 PM

Hell, man, what a fan-frickin-tastic script !!!!!

Now we all have a high water mark to shoot for.

But with all of this praise, someone MUST pick a nit... and that someone is ME! Hahaha.

It's up to you, but I believe "shivers" should probably be changed to "quivers".

Shiver is technically a word that works, but I've only ever seen lips "quiver", mostly by nubile young women when I enter a room. They also break into cold sweats and fan themselves. Sometimes they faint dead away. Maybe I need to shower more.

Anyway, Congratulations again, sir...

Tim

Serita Isaac (Level 0) ~ 1/5/2009 12:02 AM

a really good script, beautifully crafted. was very moving too :)
cheers!

Raymond Belair (Level 3) ~ 1/5/2009 10:14 AM

Congrats Travis - loved the script. And you learned me a new word! Bonus!

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/7/2009 8:38 AM

B.O. can be a killer, Tim.

Thanks a ton for your kind review, Serita.

Thanks for the bonus points, Ray. I didn't expect the title to be so obscure for some, so I'm glad ya didn't mind.

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 1/8/2009 11:23 AM

Travis, I'm an idiot for not getting through all of the one page scripts.
I just read Tacet...Wow..

I would love to see the woman with a tear of joy rolling down her face.

An awesome one pager. Now, I'm gonna read the rewrite!

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 1/8/2009 11:26 AM

I liked the original version better - up to the end that is.

As for the end? I liked that he took a bow. There was something innocent and childlike about his jaw hitting the floor, and that was cool. But the second ending works better in my opinion.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 1/9/2009 5:24 AM

Thanks a lot for the reads, Bob. I'm just curious, what about the original (until the end) did you like better? I tried incorporating most of the advice from the reviews into the rewrite, so I dunno what to think.

Jonah Yarden (Level 4) ~ 1/11/2009 10:12 AM

I'm very disappointed...that i didn't get to read this one during the competition. Excellent, precise and a pay off that i did not see coming.

Rich Keel (Level 4) ~ 1/13/2009 2:24 PM

Loved this one when I read it the first time and the second. Well deserved Excellent!

Rob Gross (Level 4) ~ 1/13/2009 4:44 PM

Travis,

I read the original and the revised versions back to back.

The revised was tighter (a good thing), but personally, I liked the little bit of extra description- just sounded better to me.

Shaun Bragg (Level 4) ~ 5/10/2009 10:24 PM

Very very good. A wonderful insight into this child's dilema. Very well told. Tight and excuted perfectly.Bravo.

Shedric Bragg (Level 3) ~ 5/13/2009 1:49 PM

My bro said this was one of the best ones he's read. I really enjoyed this. Short and it really is striking how much is expressed with only one page.

Fantastic!

Garry Reid (Level 1) ~ 5/13/2009 11:37 PM

This was a brilliant short.

I don't think I'll ever forget this one.

Travis DeStein (Level 5) ~ 5/14/2009 5:03 PM

Thanks for the reviews, guys. Glad ya liked it.

MJ Hermanny (Level 5) ~ 5/15/2009 2:30 PM

Congrats on getting this into a legit production Travis. Can't wait to see it.

Tim Westland (Moderator) ~ 6/2/2012 6:56 PM

Again... who gave this a rating of Fair? Craziness!

Joseph Conway (Level 2) ~ 6/3/2012 5:33 PM

Excellent little script. I just submitted mine and it's awful compared to yours.

Ammar Salmi (Level 5) ~ 6/4/2012 9:49 AM

Congratulation. Update the production state of this script. Here is the link: www.virginmediashorts.co.uk/film/2530/vibration


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