Comments Made During the Contest

Aimee Parrott (Level 4)

Brilliant. I don't have any criticism to offer, I loved everything about this. As always when reading anything about Dubya, I felt a little sick reading this. But in a good way. GREAT job.

Alexia Glock (Level 3)

I recommend that you get a basic book on script formatting basics. It's important. No one will go past the first page of your script if it is not formatted properly.

You can't reference a character we haven't already met - Ariston. Just simply begin with Plato. People will get it.

You go nearly 3 pages without an action line. Just two people talking. This won't hold visual interest.

There is no story here - just a blatant political statement. We get that Dubya's a moron immediately and then get four more pages of the same. It would be more interesting if their interaction led to something - even just a small revelation or evolution of character.

Caroline Coxon (Mod Emeritus)

Completely loved this. Lost for words except I laughed out loud all the way through it - AND, even though plainly American in context, Dubya is so universally known and, dare I say, derided (?) that none of the humour was lost on me.

Fantastic. More, more!

(Two typos - one where Plato became Pluto, but what the hell?)

Charlie Hebert (Mod Emeritus)

I thought this started out pretty funny, but quickly got to nonsensical. It is basically a straight dialogue aimed at showing how stupid Bush is (as though no one already knew). I kept seeing the characters in cartoon form, like "TV Funhouse?" or whatever it's called on Saturday night live. In that context I think it could end up a pretty funny piece, but needs some work and probably a litte more "action".

Good luck.

Chris Messineo (Founder)

I think you have a potentially interesting idea here, but it comes off more like a skit than a satire. Your portrait of Bush is so over the top, that I think it loses any of it's potential bite and insight. There are some humorous moments, but in the end it doesn't feel like a fully realized story or film.

Dino Barlaam (Level 3)

I'm sorry, but this was the worst script out of the bunch. Essentially just talking heads, trying to be funny, but it falls flat.
Ok, I get the joke on page 1...but it makes no sense...why is Aristocles here, how did he get here, why does he care about "Dubya", etc.
Aristocles' motives are weak, and G.W. Bush is cartoonish at best...I liked the version of Bush on shows like "South Park", "Family Guy" and "American Dad" much better...and funnier.

Just awful...two talking heads saying nothing funny or interesting to listen to or watch here. and I am no Bush supporter, believe me! This entire script needs an overhaul, or just start over again.

Don Riemer (Level 4)

Clever premise, but it quickly turned into an obvious and straightforward lampoon of GWB. It could have been much more compelling, especially if the flow had been broken up into multiple scenes over a period of hours. Consider making it one day that Plato has to speak with Bush... and perhaps GWB is not there.... maybe others keep coming in to speak with Plato, asking his real intentions and loyalties, before they let him speak with the president? Just a thought... But as written, this one is sort of flat.

Kirsten Bischoff (Level 3)

Funny! This would be a good skit for Saturday Night Live. Or the Hasty Pudding Club. LOL. Actually quite smartly (!) done in a lot of places.

Liz Messineo (Level 4)

I like a good George Bush parody as much as the next guy. However, it seems more like a sketch. There really isn't a "story" here.

Margaret Avnet (Level 4)

I love the idea of a great philosophical thinker like Plato having a discourse with Bush. It makes for a good comical movie. Perhaps though the writer should have made Plato a bit more flustered dealing with Bush. The only other problem I see it that the ending seems a bit abrupt. That may be because of the five page limit.

Martin Lancaster (Level 4)

Funny stuff.

I never get tired of Bush jokes so I got a kick of this one. It would make a great TV sketch. You got Bush's unique use of language spot on and I liked the contrast with 'Play Doh's philosophical discourse.

Nice work!

Melissa Mitchell (Level 4)

Sorry, couldn't read the whole thing the first time. No story. It's a writer putting words in the mouth of a public person to show that person as ignorant. No matter how clever the situation or the puns, I want a story.

Nick Sidorovich (Level 3)

Playful and funny at times. Bush is an easy target. So much more could have been had from this. Would appreciate more irony and not just malapropisms. Great concept, good effort, but so much more could have been said - I'm looking for more of a point of view from an author who puts Bush in a room with Plato. Keep going! You show promise!

Pia Cook (Level 5)

This one didn't really work for me. Not because of your writing, but I just don't enjoy political stories too much. It doesn't matter where in the political spectrum it falls, I just happen to not dig those.

You may want to split up some of the dialogue here and there with some action. It's a tad long at times.

I'm sorry...

Richard Bell (Level 3)

I always look for good character development, even in short scripts and "Dubya" certainly is a character that we all can visualize right away. I understand that this is a send up of him and I'll be the first to jump on the dumb Dubya bandwagon. However, after the joke about calling Plato "Play Doh", the story loses focus and presents no new insights into his stupidity, which is already well-documented.

Rick Hansberry (Moderator)

Didn't care for it at all. A poor man's SNL skit. I enjoy a good political satire and I think the premise with Aristotle is promising but the Dubya is Dumb bit is tired and overdone. I kept waiting for the payoff that never came. I wanted to see Dubya be intrigued by the concept of Plato's ideals -- amazed at how philosophers from centuries ago are able to understand basic truths about humans and we, with all of our knowledge of modern society just don't get it. I do applaud anyone willing to try flat out comedy. Screenwriting is easy. Comedy is hard. To paraphrase a lot of great writers and actors. Overall though, this was my least favorite of the 10 scripts I had read initially. I did go back and re-read it after reviewing all of the scripts and this was my least favorite of all of the entries in January. That being said, I hope my comments are taken not as a slam just my preference. I hope that others will have the same brutal honesty on my material.

Tommy Evans (Level 3)

Too much dialogue not enough description about emotions of facial expressions. Dubya's use of jargin was hard to follow. Need more explanation as to why Plato is visiting him in the oval office.

Tracey Brown (Level 3)

While the central set-up made me smile, I do think that 'Dumb Dubya' has been done to death. But there are some effective lines, and the visual idea of the world being play-doh in Bush's toddlerish hands is funny and chilling at once.

The formatting needs to be looked at.

Wenonah Wilms (Level 0)

Please take these comments with a grain of play-doh! I enjoyed the read very much, although I'm not very political and I couldn't help but think that this played out more like a Saturday Night Live skit rather than a short film. I think you nailed the dialog (for GW anyways, I'm sure you're taking creative license with Plato) and it made me laugh several times. There could be a couple more action sequences to break-up the dialog chunks - and in fact I think it would have been funny for GW to break out the fuzzy pumper barber shop early on and get distracted by it throughout the script ... and maybe even play around a bit more with the 'play on words' routine comparing his presidency to play-dough activities. In all, it completed the given task of two people in one room and I think it was a very creative way to do so.

Good luck!

Wes Worthing (Level 5)

Has a SNL skit feel to it. Funny at times, not riveting though.

William Bienes (Mod Emeritus)

Funny, clever and interesting. I liked it very much, though I'm not sure it had a dramatic arc. The writing is hip and the dialogue is snappy and very real. Characters were well-drawn, and they made me laugh. Very good comedic elements.

William D. Prystauk (Level 5)

I really wanted to love this one, but it seemed redundant from all of the Bush-bashing comedy skits I've seen elsewhere. Regardless, the concept was fun as well as Bush's play on words due to his inherent idocy. My favorite element was Bush's "Play Doh" error. I think a rewrite will really make this a formidible comedy piece - tightening up some of Bush's dialogue mostly. Also, some simple proofreading would have prevented listing "Plato" as "Pluto" on one occasion.

Comments Made After the Contest

Julie Stewart (Level 3) ~ 3/1/2007 2:19 AM

Wow - what a great contrast of opinions and responses to my script. Thank you all - I find them all very constructive and am always open to the full spectrum of criticism.

Interestingly, I am a Brit, living in France (visiting the UK only when necessary - once in 5 years is the norm) and had no idea of the vast amount of GWB skits and satires out there. I read only French newspapers, watch French TV news and listen to French radio - GBW is not a favourite of the French by any means, but we have none of the bush-bashing that some of you mention.

I had a very classics based education and am more familiar with Aristocles than with GBW.... I did have a PlayDoh set as a child.

What/who is SNL ? Maybe I'll polish it and send it to it/her/him/them.....

This was my first short script - and I'm very pleased with it and I love you all in this community for your generous time and support.

I'm off to see how the rest of you did ...

Aimee Parrott (Level 4) ~ 3/1/2007 5:28 PM

Julie, SNL is Saturday Night Live, a weekly skit show. I don't know if they accept queries or submissions from outside writers, but my guess would be that they don't. They have a writing staff, plus the performers write a lot of their own material.

Cody Kiss (Level 0) ~ 9/20/2010 2:35 PM

This one was so funny! i mean i like him and everything, but it was still very comical with the play on words and complete idocy of the entire thing. A great piece of work!